Feeling Unappreciated and Ignored

I am sorry! There is always so much for us mamas to do and, I think the fact that we do so much so well sometimes backfires... because our family members think that it is easy for us.

My only suggestion is to sit your family down today and work out a system to divide up the jobs. Write down what each person is responsible for. It is not fair for you to do it all. But also, in communicating with your husband, you might also see that he in fact is taking responsibility for more than you had previously realized (or maybe not! I just know this has been the case for me!)

Hope you end up having a better day!

I think you're talking about my house. DH never seems to understand how much really needs to be done to keep the house in order.

Even last night, dinner had just finished up and he was sitting on the couch with our 2 month old, watching TV. I was running around picking up after dinner, washing the table, putting the dishes away, putting leftovers away, bringing our toddler to the bathroom, helping her wash her hands, straightening up our cloth diaper stash (which he just piled up, instead of sorting them by child like we always do), ran a load of laundry....all while the baby was crying. I said in the middle of this all "hey, feel free to switch places with me and I'll take the baby". "Oh no, she's fine" he said. So I kept doing what I was doing and after about 20-30 minutes he yells "Are you going to feed this baby or what??? She's been crying and all you're doing is running around". I said, "Sure, no problem. I asked you about 15 minutes ago and you said she was fine. There are a lot of things I was doing to clean up after dinner and get the kids ready for bed". He responds "You weren't doing anything. I cleaned up while I was making dinner...." (his response goes on and on....but frankly he doesn't get it).

Anyways, he doesn't get it, and the kids (2.5 and under, 3 of them) aren't old enough to do anything about it. He watches the kids while I work (either outside of the home, or at home) 40 hours a week, and he thinks its ok that he does basically nothing for cleaning all day, and that I spent time before and after each day up until they go to bed cleaning and picking up. His response is "why should I bother cleaning up? Its going to look the same tomorrow". UGH.

And I too can never relax. Cluttered house, cluttered mind. Makes it hard to get on with life. I wish someone would understand, but it seems you do.

Sorry I can't offer any help, other than possibly hiring someone to do the things you need to do. I would, if I could afford it, for sure. Other than that, try talking to him and the kids (if they are old enough). Make responsibilities.

And, the mantra that someone else mentioned:

1. If you open it, close it.
2. If you turn it on, turn it off.
3. If you unlock it, lock it up.
4. If you break it, admit it.
5. If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
6. If you borrow it, return it.
7. If you value it, take care of it.
8. If you make a mess, clean it up.
9. If you move it, put it back.
10. If it belongs to someone else, get permission to use it.
11. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.
12. If it's none of your business, don't ask questions.

I may have to borrow this list :)

You probably need to compromise some. By the end of the week at my house there will be 4 cereal boxes on the counter rather than in the pantry where they belong..... It really isnt a crime.
As a woman who loves a clean and tidy house I understand your frustration BUT how hard is it really to pick up a few things that the others leave behind? Is it really worth getting mad over or could you just smile and say to yourself "I love my family but why arent they following my lead?"
Do an experiment. Don't pick up after anyone but yourself for a whole week and THEN have all of them pick up their stuff. It might give them a concept of the BIGGER picture. GO ON STRIKE to make your point and then have a family discussion about everyone pulling their own weight.
But also remember that a little muss means there is "life" in your home and it should look lived in otherwise it will seem cold with no heartbeat.

I actually have the opposite problem in that my husband is very anal, and wants everything perfect all of the time (which just isn't possible, nor is something I strive for). So, to me, I like a little "lived-in" appearance, but am unappreciated unless it is spotless! I agree that you should try a week long strike and maybe your family will start to realize the messes they are making. But children in general probably won't pick up after themselves much until they are older, in high school (and maybe not even then!)

If you figure out what to do with your husband, please share. :)
Mine doesn't even throw away the trash on his bathroom counter when he opens a new package of something (soap, toothpaste, contact lens solution, razor, dental floss... whatever... the wrapper/trash/packaging just gets left there).

But for the kids, start teaching them early. It will probably be a few years before it starts really taking hold, but keep at it. Use the mantra from Ann Landers (I wish I still had it somewhere).. It goes something like this:
If you open it, close it.
If you take it out, put it back in.
If you empty it, fill it/throw it out.
If you drop it, pick it up.

There is more, but I can't remember it all... I used to keep it on my refrigerator door.. until I got one that isn't magnetic. :(

LEAVE. Yes, leave for two weeks if you can (not sure how old are your kids). Leave them a note with the house chores (so they know how much you work) and go someplace where you can relax and recharge..they will be glad to have you back and will hopefully they'll be more careful how they act around the house!!!

I just told my entire family yesterday,( they are all up before me,they leave very early...)WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK, THAT,WHEN I GET UP, I LOVE TO LOOK AT THE FULL SINK EVERYDAY AND SUCH????
THIS IS NOT MY STUFF,THEREFORE RINSE,CLEAN AND PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER, I'M NOT YOUR MAID !!!!!
This morning the sink was empty, but I know this will happen again.
But the same here,feel like a cleaning lady all day long....

I didn't read all the responses, and I'm not sure if this would work, but what about if you instituted a 15-minute clean-up time at the end of each day? If your kids are old enough, get them involved too--everyone gets a laundry basket. Set a timer--each person is assigned to a room. That person has to pick up everything that doesn't belong in that room, put it in the basket, then take it to where it belongs and put it away. It won't get the dishes done or the laundry folded, but it will help to clear some of the clutter (dirty dishes can go in the dishwasher or soapy water in the sink, and dirty clothes in the hamper). Hopefully it will also make everyone more aware of how much mess there is, and they will start to get better about putting things where they belong in the first place.

Another thing, my mom did (and I hated her for it at the time)...my room got very messy as a teenager. Particularly my dresser. One day I came home from school to find all my stuff in the front yard--she had literally taken all my stuff and thrown it out the window onto the grass! It did make me stand up and take notice and be better about keeping my room clean!

Good luck--you're doing a great job. I hope some ideas people posted will help you.

Dear Tracy, It is sad but yours is the cry of many a mom...myself included. I have tried over the years to enforce what my dad called the "second step" "If you take it out ,you put it back." You may have to call a meeting of your family (husband included if he is also to blame) and tell them what you need. Be very clear what you want and must have. I have known some moms to go on strike and let the mess pile up (not easy) the family has to work together. Your sanity is important and your children need to know that there is no maid or magic clean up! Grandma Mary

T., I feel your pain. As I read your post I couldn't help but notice how many times you used the word "I". You used that word 13 times. What you need to do is something different. You are the mother not the maid. You need to retrain yourself first while retraining your family to pick up after themselves. I'm just of the mind, "if you are big enough to make a mess, you are big enough to clean your mess". You need to have a family meeting letting everyone know there are going to be some changes in how things are going to be done. Understand that different people have different motivations and you will experience some resistance to this change but you have to get this change because it is for your best interest. You may need to modify your expectations for your home while going through this process of change. Give the children a set time each day to do the straightening and cleaning. Give great rewards. Husbands need rewards too for good behavior. ;-)

Your family is used to you doing it all and them doing nothing and they are satisfied but you aren't and this must change but that same change needs to begin with you.

WOW, have I been there! I feel like I have to be on the brink before anyone helps me, but 2 of my kids are too little to contribute. Anyways, one thing I remember as a kid from strict step-father was if we left our stuff laying on the floor or out of place, he took it. And if he took it twice we NEVER got it back. Granted I think he was over the top, BUT good lesson there on a less dramatic scale. It taught us to pick up our stuff and take care of it. And if you need to be extreme and "take" the cereal do it. lol.
Your kids have to be taught that you are NOT their maid, as well as your husband. If need be. Its hard as mom we seem to get taken for granted, and alot of times we suck it up and just carry on. its not fair! Stand your ground!

Hi T.,

We moms don't get enough appreciation, that's for sure! You're doing an EXCELLENT JOB, and if you're the only one who realizes it, so be it.
This is life. Messy, no appreciation, endless work and physical struggle.
It's the way we LOOK at our lives that determines our happiness. If you can be happy counting your blessings every day that you HAVE a family, you HAVE a house to clean, you HAVE food to prepare, you HAVE your health (in spite of those aches and pains), you can change the way you move through your day. I thank God for indoor plumbing every time I flush the toilet and take a shower. It keeps things in perspective for me.
It's good to vent...take time for yourself...connect with other women...have a little fun. All this WILL pass. All too soon you will be looking at life from MY end of it -- old age! Gratitude does wonders for our attitude!
Be happy. You are blessed.

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

This is the MEGA constant problem... among women/Moms.

I have this problem too.
Plus, my Husband is more 'picky' about how neat the house should look like per his comfort level.... BUT he does not HELP... in attaining that. "I" do it... all. He.... complains and criticizes.
I.... will runaway with a loaf of bread soon.

EVERYday... I clean. We have upstairs and downstairs. It is a lot of house to clean. Then he tells me "why are you always so busy? Can't you just watch an hour long show?" Um, no. BECAUSE... "he" expects the house to be all neat and perky... by the time he comes home from work. THEN I have to do all the other home/kid things at night and cook and clean up, again. Because... he does not help. And when I ask him to help... he accuses me of being 'bitchy' or that it is my problem.
Sure.. he has his good moments of when he does help and is so.... tolerant. But not always.

I have 2 kids, a Husband and my Mom that lives with us. I pick up after all of them. I have MANY times, sat down with them to remedy the issue. But, it only lasts for about 1 week or they all gang up on me and then turn the tables on me saying that "I" do too much and just don't do it, if it bothers 'me.' BUT.... if I do actually do that (which I have)... then they all start to COMPLAIN about the house being messy and why am I not cleaning? So... it is a no-win situation.
I have gone on "Strike" too.... things would get better, but then it just goes back to where it started.

I have even made lists.... To-Do Lists... of what each person is responsible for. But that did not sink in long enough, either.

How old are the kids? They can do a lot. Think it out, call a family meeting (after dinner, before everyone is tired) and explain that in a family everyone is needed - it's a team. Because you and your husband are working especially - everyone needs to do what they can to pull their weight. Show your jobs - paying rent/mortgage, paying the bills, water, electricity, driving, etc - all those things that kids take for granted. Then assign jobs. By age 10 kids can do laundry, change their sheets, sweep, vacuum, wash dishes and clean the kitchen. By 5 they are in charge of their room, making their bed, putting away clothes someone has folded from the laundry, clearing the table, setting the table.

They may not be able to sit on their computer/electronic things as long, or text their friends,etc. That is okay. They will soon be adults and it doesn't come magically - one has to be taught how to care for a house to make it a home, how to cook, clean, manage ones money, keep the car clean. It is more important than any extracurricular activity.

So, it is really a matter of getting clear about your goals and being consistent. "No going out Friday/Sat/Sun until the chores are done." You'll have to follow through - but if you are 100% consistent, then the whining will stop since it is seen as fruitless, and you will get to enjoy team playing. Next time there is a snow day, assign digging out to someone else - with the promise of something fun to do once it is accomplished - and sit down to enjoy a good book. I am reading Mark Helprin's "Winter Tale" which takes place in NYC - a fantastic read.

You can do it!

I don't know how many chldren you ahve nor do i know their ages. let's say the children are 5 yrs old and older.

Create a chart with everyones daily duties -- divvy up the smaller things they can do. At 5 i think it's perfectly reasonable to ask a litle person to dust, clean their own rooms, clear tables after meals. if they aren't done -- they'll be repercussions of some sort.

If you're not comfortable with this or the children are too young to help out what happens if you leave the mess? Does your hubby have selective blind ness like mine and just doesn't see the mess -- OR will he get to cleaning the mess eventually? In our house no one cooks and cleans the dishes used to prepare the meal. one person cooks the other cleans. if it's just you and your hubby doing the cleaning. Have you asked to specifically take care of the X, Y or Z room? I have and it doesn't work -- but I do know that my hubby will not clean the bathroom -- but he'll clean all other rooms and does the laundry. make your ask along with a timeframe and stick to it. don't let the mess drive you crazy leave it and he'll get to it.

last but not least, this is my favorite option, when i returned to a very demanding job, I got a housekeeper. Hubby kept saying we didn't it -- but the house was always hurricane-like. and he wouldn't clean up. I couldn't take it so I hired someone. i pay for it, usually, and I'm totally free to not worry about cleaning the house -- just tidying. there are times when I may not have money for things b/c I'd rather spend it on the housekeeper but it's worth it to me. I don't LIKE cleaning either but someone got to do it.

hopefully this helps

I think you hit a nerve with a lot of of Mommies. Common problem to be sure. All I can add is that I've had to explain to my husband that although I am a stay at home Mom, I'm not a stay at home maid/slave. I gladly hold the responsibility of most of the household chores. I keep the house well stocked with everyone's favorite foods/snacks/fresh fruits/veggies, etc. I also cook dinner almost every night - from scratch - to suit everyone's food sensitivies/stomach issues. It's not unusual for me to visit the grocery store 2-3 times per week. I do the bulk of the laundry and most of the picking up/cleaning up.

When it got overwhelming a few years ago (when my DD was small and not able to help as much as she can now at 11) I explained to my husband that if I spent all my time & energy cleaning up/picking up after everyone, I'd have no time for him at the end of the day (as in s-e-x). He quickly learned that throwing in a load of laundry, cleaning up after dinner or running the vacuum was the quickest way to get me in the mood. And yes, I'm serious. I don't like feeling like a dishrag at the end of the day and I certainly don't feel all warm and fuzzy toward him if I feel that I'm being taken advantage of. I can honestly say that since I explained this to him (and continue to live up to my end of the bargain) it's been much happier around here.
I should also say that we both have back/neck problems and neither of us is physically able to do a lot of heaving cleaning/lifting on any one given day, so we are considerate of each other and will each do more when we're able. Is my house perfectly clean and uncluttered? No, but it's presentable should someone come to the front door unexpectedly most of the time. My husband has said that the house doesn't have to be perfect and he appreciates having a delicious meal at night with a happy wife and daughter. He also appreciates that I'm available for "adult time" more often than he knows most of his friends' wives are. He'll be the first to tell the guys that if they're not enjoying that time with their wife, it's probably because they aren't helping enough around the house.
Men speak another language than we do. Good luck with everything.

If you figure out a solution to this, please post it! I just had this argument with my hubby last night. We have a constant flow of dishes and laundry to be washed or folded or put away. I finally got to clean the second bathroom (which is usually last on my list because only my husband and I use it) and I told him to look at it. He said, "If it's that amazing that it's clean, YOU need to clean it more often." As far as he's concerned, it's not his job and he works FT. I work FT as a mom and housekeeper here and run a PT (which takes FT commitment) business as well. I don't understand why because I am here a few more hours a day than him that it ALL falls on my shoulders.

BTW, I shoveled the driveway and cleared off the car myself too. My neighbor saw how pathetic I was and HE helped me out a bit with the driveway.

I get it! I work, have 3 children ages 16 to 22, and a husband. Although my husband was "helping" me with chores like laundry, I still felt that the entire management of the house was my responsibility. I finally broke. I then told the family (not asked) that I was no longer making dinner. I found that planning, shopping and cooking was too much for me. I will gladly do the dishes, and therefore get the kitchen as clean as I would like it. It helped tremendously. Of course we eat chinese take-out several times a month, and hamburgers and hot dogs every week, but I don't have to shop. My husband has found that coming up with ideas is difficult, too, so sometimes when he asks what I want for dinner, I give him an idea of something I would prefer, and I sometimes even get it! Yeah! and now that my head is above water, I offer to make dinner occasionally.

I suggest that you find one thing that you can successfully give away so that you have the energy to pick up the mess either just before bed or just after you get up.

BTW, my children's rooms are a complete mess, unless they are finally embarrassed enough to clean the up. I am responsible for the public areas and I pay someone to help me clean every other week.

Good luck! Sanity is somewhere just around the corner. I know you will find it.

Is it your husband you are aggravated with, or the kids making a mess? If it's the kids, and they are past preschool age, have you TOLD them specifically what you want them to do - clear the table after they eat breakfast, put the cereal away, put all dirty clothes in the hamper? Be specific about what you need them to do. If the kids leave out something that you can get rid of, do it to teach them a lesson. If they don't clean up after themselves and you end up doing it, charge them. If they're grade school age or older, let them pay out of their allowance for the things they are not doing that you've told them to. If you haven't specifically told them what you want them to do, and you've always just cleaned up the mess and resented it, they can't automatically know that you'd like them to put their clothes in the hamper and put their bowls in the dishwasher and the cereal away.
My kids got over leaving stuff like their backpacks, sneakers, jackets around instead of putting them away when I'd confiscate them and charge them to buy them back.