Feeling Disconnected with Husband for past Few Months

I am having this same problem. I would get a grandparent, sister or trusted friend to take care of the baby for a night so that the two of you can go out on a romantic date. Dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing. Whatever the two of you can enjoy together. You need some alone time together to reconnect.

It can be scary how quickly feelings can wax and wane in a relationship, especially after marriage and children! However, it's all pretty normal. My hubby was the type to do nothing around the house, stay out with his friends for 8 hours or so after work, leave me home with the kids all day, and think nothing of it. Parenting was a difficult adjustment for him. His way of dealing with all of the "man issues" it brought up was to NOT deal with it. It was very hard for me. It took us a long time to get our communication straight and lets face it, even when your communication is great, it's always something that's a work in progress. I get up in the morning and pack my hubbys lunch every day before he goes to work. I (almost) always put in a nice, lovey, spicy, or silly note - some days it is hard to write something because I feel like I hate his guts and just want to leave, but I always try to say something sincere that will keep a good connection between us, and remind him that I love him (which is true even when I hate his guts!) :) Men get all "hormonal" after we're done being pregnant lol. They freak out about providing enough money and working enough hours, they feel uncomfortable taking on parenting responsibilities so they don't, (I had to trick my hubby into feeding the baby by happening to have a pressing errand to run while his friends were over and the baby was hungry and cajole him into fingernail trimming over several months) Many men feel that they don't have parental intuition, or assume that we'll just do it better, so they leave it to us. My husband has told me many times that he'd love to have to do all the parental things and really connect with them that way, but that he just couldn't make himself do it when I was home because he knew that if he didn't I would take care of it anyway. Don't stress out too much about the whole thing. Drifting apart and together is a natural cycle in relationships. Ideally, it just doesn't swing *too* far one way or the other. Personally, I found the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" to be helpful in understanding where my husband was coming from in a general way and I felt it did help me communicate with him better, even though I was afraid it would be a cheezy read. Just keep plodding away at it and remember your deep feelings at the heart of the whole thing and not the temporary upheavals and resentments. Just keep being honest with him about your feelings, periodically stating your needs without being "needy" and try to have compassion for his recently changed world view. So many men really struggle so much in the first year or two. They experience such a drive to care for their family, and such an awkwardness about caring for the baby that they end up distancing themselves. Your hubby still loves you, he's just giving himself some space to work through his issues on his own time - which you should respect as much as possible, but do remind him that you are an equal half of the picture and he should respect your needs as much as he can as well. Just make sure that you are each being honest about the concessions you are willing to comfortably make with your partners (and your) best interests in mind - that way the chance to build resentments is lessened.
Plus, staying at home is hard, particularly if you are new to it. You do need extra attention from and interaction with your hubby since you don't get to see any adults all day!! As a SAHM of 6, I *totally* understand, however, it's not really fair for you to place the burden of you having rewarding interactions with other adults soley on him. Join a mom's group. Volunteer (even something you can help with from home). Visit family or friends. Strike up convrsations with other ladies at the grocery store, etc. It will help you out TREMENDOUSLY. Not only will your hubby feel less like you desperatly *need* his attention all the time, and that he can give it to you as a token of his love, and not just his duty, but it will help you have something else rewarding to focus on besides the minor ups and downs of your relationship. (Its easy to get washed away in these when you are a SAHM I think) Plus, it will remind your hubby that you are a woman who is doing her own thing and is likeable and active in the adult world, not just the "mommy" he may simply be seeing you as right now (which may be part of the intimacy issue in addition to stress, etc) It's hard to reach out sometimes, but well worth it. I hope that things will resolve themselves nicely for you. I know this can be really scary and difficult to feel like you can "deal" with. Bright Blessings.
-T.

I am also a stay at home mom to an 8 month old, no longer breastfeeding but still alot of work. I would probably work on jump starting your connection physically because my experience with my husband is when we connect intimately he is more open to ironing out any issues. We have made this a priority for the last 3 months and we both definitely see the improvements. I am a Dr. Laura fan and she has alot of good stuff on her website dlaura.com about strengthening a marriage and is a huge advocate for SAHM. She also has a book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

Oh Dear Sister! If you are in love with your husband and my assumption is that you are because you’re asking for advice. Keep in mind men are very simple all they need is to feel loved and wanted. Anything less will make a man feel as lonely as you are starting to feel. Don’t just tell him he is special show him. He is your man and make sure he feels it. Having a baby is one of the best times of your life however, make the time for him! That little peanut will get along just fine without her sweet Mom for a few hours. Get a sitter and show up at his office or surprise him and make time for him when he comes home. Girl you need some retail therapy at Victoria Secret and he will take notice.

Ohhhh, the first year with your firstborn... What a wonderful and challenging time. Most all of us married couples go through this when we make the adjustment from a couple to a family. You are feeling lonely, neglected, probably a little unsexy and not to mention very, very tired. Your focus is on the baby 24/7. You are a new Mommy and that's very normal. On the other hand, your husband (who was once the only object of your affection) isn't sure what to do. He sees you are totally engrossed in the baby and he knows you are very, very tired. He feels a little neglected too. He used to be #1 and now he's not. He knows better than to ask for sex by now and so he fills his time with what he knows best. Work. What else can he do? He is as new at this whole parenting thing as you are. But I doubt he knew what he was signing up for as far as him losing his wife when he gained his son. Cut the guy some slack and let him get some. Even if you are tired. (and I know you are) Sex is how men give and recieve affection with their wives. It is still a very important part of your relationship. You say that you haven't been intimate in a long time. Well if you make yourself lovingly available to him I doubt he will reject you. He probably just doesn't know how to ask for it anymore. Men's needs are as simple as food, sex, and sleep. You both need to make that connection again and then you won't feel so distant. You can get through this. You love your little boy more than life that is obvious. The best thing you can do for him is to love his Daddy.

God luck and God bless.
J.

E.,

I am so sorry. I had a similar issue when we moved to our current house. I had to quit my job and was staying at home and was harboring some resentment. I really had to work at being intimate with my husband and to remember to say nice things and actively show how much I love him through kind deeds.

The best thing we did was institute a date night. We picked one night a month to go out to a movie or catch dinner and just talk, or even go for a walk (when our finances were really tight).

If there is any way you can plan something like that it might help you and your husband to reconnect. Get a baby-sitter, or have family come over and watch the baby, and go out for a couple of hours.

I hope this idea helps. Good luck and hang in there, it will get better.

-C..

Hi E.,

Plan a date night with hubby!! Get a babysitter and go out to dinner and just "have fun" with him again without having your son around.

Something I would consider to is tell him how much you "respect and admire" him for working so hard at his job and how thankful you are to him for allowing you to stay home with your son. This will show much appreciation for him and in return he will show you more love. There is a GREAT book that I recommend. It's call Love and Respect. This book was a lifesaver for me. It helped so much!!! I wish you the best. And don't think you're the only one who goes through this. I believe many women can relate including me.

L.

I would suggest reading the book "Love and Respect" and "the five languages of love". There may be something in there that you can apply to YOUR situation...
AND I would also suggest scheduling a date night once a week.
No baby, just you two.
And I'm not talking about going to a movie where you sit and stare at something and don't say a word.
Go out for dinner, even if its at KFC
Get a cup of coffee and walk around the park
Figure out what your and your hubbys love language is and do it often.
Being a sahm can be tough. Just having a baby is tough too... You may have a touch of the baby blues that are making the emotion of lonelyness magnify.
also check out Mark Gungor... He has some vids on You tube and his presentation on men and women is very down to earth and understandable, not to mention funny!!
Good luck!!!!

I had this issue a while ago when our last child was born. I felt trapped at home with a baby and a toddler (and a teen) and my hubby worked a LOT! I found that we both were exhausted and I had PPD pretty bad. I received a couples devotional book from my pastor and I put it to use. I knew I would be leaning heavily on my husband for emotional support when I felt overwhelmed, but I didn't want to diminish his emotional 'bank account' either. Read one devotional a day (or one a week, even) and focus on that one thing. It helps 'replenish' you both and you will notice that your marriage starts to be a source of joy and peace. It sounds like one more thing to do, but it really helped me focus on what is important and forget what isn't. I also kept in mind that these baby years are the toughest on a marriage, especially to a mom who is used to being pretty carefree! I always keep a picture in my head of what I think our lives will be like after the kids are grown and I want a strong, loving, passionate marriage. It takes work now to keep it strong later! Good luck to you!
~L.

I'd suggest writing a letter, finding a cute card (maybe one of those musical ones) or trying to make a date with him for a short meal out (do you have someone close who can keep the baby between nursings?) Unless there's something major wrong, catching him off guard when he's not hassled or wiped out might get his attention. Use humor if you can and keep it light until you establish better communication. Father's Day might be an opportunity to show him you appreciate him too. I definitely wouldn't ignore this. Possibly he hasn't figured out that you can love the baby and him too, but if something more is wrong, you need to know so you can work on it together if he's willing. If you need to, check into marriage counseling thru your insurance or with your pastor, if you have one. Hoping for the best for the 3 of you!

E., I'm feeling for you and I'm sorry that you are going through this,I do want you to know that you are not alone. It's pretty common to feel this way when you start having children. But this does not mean you give up! My husband and I started very soon after our first child to have a date night once a week and we have benefitted greatly from it the past 8 years! It is hard to make the adjustments of being at home, taking care of the baby... are you in a moms group? I have found great support from ours at my church. Which leads me to the greatest source of strength and hope I find in Jesus. God is love and he is always ready to help us in our time of need! Keep trying to communicate your feelings to your husband, and remember he loves you and I'm sure he's not intentionally trying to push you away. He may be going through some adjustments himself. Whether our husbands admit it/even know it or not, they sometimes get jealous of our new committmentand affection to our children! Sounds silly but I seen it many times. Even though you are looking for the intimacy, it may take you to make the initial step to reach him. Think of ways you could bless him, you may be surprised what you receive in return!

My husband and i were just talking about this the other day. He said that he had trouble with me and the kids because I did all the work and he felt like he wasn't a part of the parenting process.(ie I did all the feeding, bathing, clothing, diapers, etc) He also said that it was hard for him not being able to communicate with our infants, but he really loved it when they turned 18 months because they were walking and somewhat talking. The other thing motherhood did was take all my time and it left nothing for him at the end of the day. The best thing I ever did was get a part time job working from 4-8:30 am. It got me out of the house, I had adult conversations, earned money, but best of all - my husband had to take care of our children all by himself!!!! This was very hard for me to let go, but with every child it got easier. Let him do some of the work, let him be involved. My husband said it was the best thing because now that my kids are 5, 7, & 10 he gets them up, dressed, feed, and out the door to school. He says he loves his alone time with the kids in the morning because he sometimes has to work late and is also very tired at night. Hope this helps.

I'm sure your husband is feeling disconnected with you too. If you're breastfeeding and doing all of the child care, then what time do you have for him? When does he get "baby" time?

My advice is simple, get a really good pump (Medella Pump N Style is an incredible option) and let him take on some feedings and other child care duties. This will give you some down time, once you're comfortable with him doing baby duties if you aren't already, and will help him to understand the changes within the home and your relationship. It will also help him bond with your baby which is VERY important. You'll realize this when baby starts having separation anxiety at "normal" stages. You're going to want at least one other person the baby will go to instead of you all the time.

Also, implement a date night!!!! Not all dates have to be baby free or even out of the house. I have heard of this book called "Date Night in a Minivan" or something along those lines. I know you can get it at www.mops.org. I would say 1 night a week is good for date night and do 1 date night a month (at least) with no baby.

Just my thoughts from part of what worked with me and part of what I thought would work if we had a total disconnection. That didn't happen until recently when he made the comment that I don't have a real job, I just make what I do sound like a burden when I call it a job. That was the start of his dog house days, but that is all a different story. (Yes we're together and there are no plans to change that, he's just in need of an adjustment, maybe I am too, who knows.)

Hi E.. Reading your post was like hearing myself talk! I completely know where you are, and have been there. My son is now almost 13 months old, and I have spent most of that time very resentful towards my hubby. I was very verbal about it though. I would tell him and sometimes it would turn into fighting and yelling, and there were a few times where I considered leaving, and told him that I felt that was my only option. It was an awful time, but we made progress. Fortunately, after some time, he was seeing in him the things that I was pointing out and he could see the anger and resentment that had built up inside me, and even when we did have sex---few and farrrrrrr between during those times---it wasn't the same, we were very detached, so I think after a while, he started to see that I truly was hurting and he has really made a lot of improvement. (Also, keep in mind that as your baby gets older, life will get easier and you will find that you can fall back into a routine more like you once had. I have 2 older boys too, one is 14 and one is 10, so I have been there.....)
I too was a SAHM and was glad I could be home, but at the same time, taking care of a baby IS a job and you get tired and you need support, you aren't in the adult world, and probably running around in jeans or sweats most of the time, so you need that intimacy and attention from your husband. What you are feeling is so normal, and so many of us have been there. Try to continue the dialogue with your hubby about how you feel, hopefully with some persistance and some honest communication it will get better. Keep your head up. Being a mom is the greatest job you could ever have, but it is taxing and you become worn very quickly.......take care.

Kids are a blessing but yet they have such a way of changing things also. I think most people have this ideal that having children makes everyone so close and you know where I am going. Tough stuff really. With that said its tough being a stay at home parent and its tough being the working parent. I think a certain amount of resentment is normal. You see all of the good stuff while he misses alot. He sees the world while your walls are kind of closing in on you. Know what I mean? Sound familiar. We have three kids I am a stay at home mom and to this day we go through phases where this happens. Ok so intamacy. Here is what your gonna do. Work with me here this will sound stupid but my husband loved it. Either find a babysitter or plan nap time around the time hubby is coming home. PUt a note on the door something cheesy like I have your wife do what i say take off your clothes dont say a word blah blah blah.. Then have all of the lights off go to the next note which is in the bathroom take a shower or put this on what ever. make a fun game out of it by the time he gets to you you are in candlelight look nice. We went a long time with out having any sex what so ever and i did this one night he saw me in a way i think he hadn't seen me in since we were dating. it really spiced us up. I know it sounds corny but i saw it on tv and it was funny. good luck E. i feel for you i do hang in there things always work out.

Keep trying to talk to him. With my first son (who is 4 now), my husband admits he was so frightened. He actually said he felt useless. Everything was so new and it took time to figure out our roles. Because I was doing everything, I think I was nervous to leave my husband alone...which just made things worse. Even today, my husband has to remind me to "just ask" for help. I had to accept that others may not do things exactly like I would...but in the end, my sons (4,3,7 mo) survived and I'm happier when I ask for help.

I doubt it will make you feel better that its not uncommon. I've experienced that and many friends have, too. In general, men are single purpose driven, and he may not feel up to, or enjoy fatherhood like he hoped he would. He may also be feeling the pressure of the responsibility of having a son. My husband had serious financial panic. Maybe he feels since you are so involved in your responsibility, he is doing what he thinks he can do best. Men also can have difficulty adjusting to their wife becoming a mother and losing the spot of being #1. I also remember reading that it's important to allow the dad to parent his way, and not to "be the expert" and say how to do things. So long as the child is safe and comfortable, let them do whatever. Otherwise, they may give up and leave it to you. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about a problem that can't be solved with a concrete, tangible solution, he shuts down. Be specific and make requests. Like, ask for a date, not "more attention". I totally immersed myself in motherhood and I know I left him out and was less gentle and caring in my behavior to my husband. We're fine now, but its a constant effort to keep the balance. Unfortunately, women tend to set the tone of the family, so if you feel resentful and even angry, it spills over. I also got a lot of benefit from joining a play group and satisfying some of the need for conversation with other women. Once I went back to work I had to give that up and really missed it. If you really feel unhappy and like its not working, try seeing a counselor. Probably by yourself at first. And if you aren't getting exercise, start walking or something. It makes so much difference to my moods just taking a half hour walk every morning. Maybe you can ask him to come along. Good luck!

Hello. You have an 8 month old and your breast feeding. Your husband may be feeling kind of lonely himself. Not to mention he now has someone else to provide for. He may also feel as though he has nothing in common with the baby (not big enough to play with, etc.). I believe this is how My husband felt at least. It takes adjustments on both your parts, and he may just feel as though right now he would be better off at work. Hopefully they appreciate him. My husband works lots and lots of hours, because sometimes thats what it takes to do the job right. He picks up the slack for those that "Don't Care" so to speak. They do appreciate him!!! Work for your husband may be a safe zone right now. Don't get discouraged and keep the communication open. Also, let him know that the baby will love just being with him, in case he doesn't realize it. Hang in there, it will turn around.

I feel really bad for you because I know you must be lonely and miss your husband a lot. I would really try and make him sit and really listen to you, maybe you could get a sitter and it could be just the two of you so there is no distraction. He really has to make family time, and you have to make him understand that family is top priority. Good luck, I know it won't be as easy as it sounds, just tryng to give you some ideas.

You have already received some great advice from moms who have been there! Something I noticed when I was a new mom was that I felt disconnected from everyone and everything! I got into a local MOPS group, joined a story time group at my local library, and soon made new friends. I took up photography as my hobby, began scrapbooking, and started to feel like myself again. In a phrase, I "got a life"! and starting living again. When my husband saw the positive change in me, it brought us even closer together. I became the fun person I was before the baby came along. Sometimes we would just put the baby in the stroller while we played catch in the back yard. It was simple, but a great way for both of us to connect. Instead of talking, just show him what you need. Be patient. Some guys are a little slow!! A rule I also made for myself was to never wear sweat pants! I may have been low on sleep or grouchy, but I made sure I looked like his wife when he came home from work. Not just for him, but for me too. It is a great boost to your own confidence to keep yourself up inside and out. You can't change him, but you can change you. Try that first and see what happens. I'll be thinking of you!

Take care,
J.

If he won't talk about it, then it's up to you. The only thing that you can change is you. Initiate sex. It's normal to have ups and downs in a marriage, esp while you have little ones. I have been married for over 6yrs to my hubby. There have been times when I ques our marriage and times when I know I couldn't live without him. All things work out if we treat each other with kindness and understanding. He has no idea how hard your life is right now taking care of your baby and everything. And his life is hard for him right now too, just in a different way. Men feel pressure to provide and sometimes worry about there fathering abilities. Nagging won't make him want to spend more time with his family. Just be kind to him and leave your heart open and eventually he'll get himself figured out.

Check out a GREAT book that has saved many marriages and made a lot of good marriages even better. "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich can be found at almost any good bookstore and on Ebay as well. Believe me, it's a fantastic book, and once you start to put it into practice for yourself, regardless of his actions, he'll begin to notice, too. Their website is www.loveandrespect.com

I am a stay at home mother of 5 children ages 8-2 and have been married to my best friend and husband for nearly 9 years, now.

Hope this helps.
R.

Hi, I know you already got many great responses but I just have to add one thing... We, the wives, are, more often than not, the ones that keep the marriage where it should be.

Soooo, don't give up, but please don't nag. Men have this wonderfully annoying habit of tuning us out as soon as we start, so it doesn't work anyway. However, you can start asking him how his day was and what is new with his world and usually just by treating him the way we need to be treated they start to turn around.

If you're baby has a meal where you're not nursing than make that the time for a sitter, if you're still breastfeeding exclusively than plan a walk or a drive where you can talk and not be distracted by the baby.

Good Luck and remember there is nothing wrong with us being the ones to initiate intimacy. Actually men really like it when you show them how much you love them in that way.

God Bless
K. SAHM of 3

E. ~ I'm just wondering if maybe your husband is having a hard time adjusting to fatherhood. I know my husband did. In our situation my husband didn't know the first thing about babies and because he was so unsure of everything he spent most of his time out of the house, either at work or out with friends. It took almost a year for him to become comfortable in his new role as a father. I continued to work after having our first child, so we had to work together and share some of the responsibilities....and it still took a year! And with you being home and being the main care giver he may feel left out, not only in caring for your child, but also in your relationship, as parenting has a way of taking up most of a mothers time and energy.

I know you said that your husband is putting all of himself into his work, but is their a time when you can get a sitter and spend some quality time together? Date nights are so important for a couple especially to those who have little ones at home.

I also know it's hard because you want your husband to make that first move, you want him to want to be involved, to want to be around, to want to talk and to just want you period! But if he is feeling left out, he may just need to be reminded that you still love and desire him.

It's important as a SAHM to remember that you are not just a mom. You are a woman, a wife, a friend etc...and that it's ok to get that sitter and to spend some quality time with your hubby, friends or just by yourself. So if you haven't been in the habbit of doing that, just know it's ok and it is good for you! Establishing a healthy balance is important for the whole family. I pray you find a way to reconnect. Marriage and parenting are hardwork and balancing the two can be a challenge, but it is not impossible and it is deffinetly well worth the time and effort.

Blessings ~
M.

hi there,

he could just be tired. my situation is just the opposite, i work all day while my husband gets to stay home and i am tired (so not really "in the mood") and i am kinda getting resentful that he gets to stay home with the baby bc i would love to be able to stay home so i guess either way people get resentful and sad? the main thing is communication to at least tell him your feelings mabye hes just tired and not thinking about stuff that much?

Dear E.,

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is quite normal! I used to feel resentful of my husband too, because he could leave the home and have his own life. Perhaps your husband feels that the baby is your primary focus instead of him? Just like you feel that work is his primary focus. I don't know you or your husband at all, so remember that when reading this: my advice would be to focus some more attention on him if you can ie. make a nice dinner, make sure you're taking care of yourself, and make more attempts to talk with him (but not always bringing up issues). Hopefully by showing him that you're there for him, he'll do the same. I hope that's helpful. I wish you both all the very best! Your son will be benefit from your efforts to keeping your marriage healthy.

L.

I've read some of the responses and they are all good. I have one idea that may not be correct, but it's a thought. Is this your first child? Do you think your husband has developed jealousy feelings towards the affection you show your new baby? It has happened to men before. I don't know how common it is, but it's something to think about. You would know more than me if this is a possibility. If this is the issue, he might not even realize it. It's the same form of jealousy an older sibling may have towards a new baby. Do some research online if you think this is a possiblity...find out the signs and see if this fits.

hey there,
I know exactly how you feel. When my husband told me that he is going back to school I knew that it was going to be tough but I had no idea HOW hard is was going to be. We literally have NO time together when he's in school. And between school, his full time job, and trying to study, I completely feel like a single mom. What breaks my heart further is my son, who really wants his daddy. He wants to play with him when he gets home. But my husband is simply too tired or has to study for a test. He goes in the computer room and locks the door then my son has a coniption because the door is locked. It took alot of arguing before i had to tell my husband that he needs to just stay at the library and study.
Whats worse, is that he's too busy to care about how I really feel. It's not that he doesn't care, just that he has no time to stop and really think about how this is affecting me and david. I know he cant help it. I know he has to finish his degree. I know it's the best for all of us. But it's still hard as hell and i get resentful myself, just like you, because I told him a million times before we started a family that he should consider going back to school to finish his degree first. He never listened to me. Made every excuse on the planet. And now here we are, 1 child, planning on another, and he's not home to enjoy it. Thank god it's summer and he's off for the summer, but i know that once septemeber comes, it'll be the same ole song and dance and I am dreading it. I'm really going to try and keep my mouth shut next time too. My nagging didn't help matters.

The only thing I would suggest is just taking it a day at time. It probably IS a little hormonal. Children change everything dont they?? In a good way yes, but I remeber feeling that my problems now seem so much more complicated when you bring another life into this world.

If you never need to chat about this, I'm here.

E.,
If your hubby takes a lunch to work put a note in it saying you love him and feel like your drifting apart. If he doesn't put a note on the steering wheel of the vechile he'll be driving.
Sometimes our D/H need a little reminder not to get too hung up over work. It has worked for me.
Best wishes and don't give up,
D. V.

I am so sorry for how you feel. But its not you. It the hormone's and breastfeeding. It's not uncommon at all. I felt the same way. I also want to commend you on still breastfeeding. It takes a lot of time and work. Try to do something for yourself. I new hair color, cut or a new piece of clothing something that you normally never do for yourself. Something that makes you feel pretty. Just a little token makes things different. Sometimes the more you question it just makes you even more upset. Overthinking. My husband felt after I had our youngest and I could breastfeed longer than with my first, that I was the baby food source. So it's kinda like he's looking at a fridge. Now if you can, get a sitter, cook or preferrably go out, have your/his favorite meal, a glass of wine (pump & dump 24 hours after), grab some his and hers massage oil and celebrate each other. Should work. I'll pray for you. Best of luck.