My 55 year old aunt that is like a mom to me lied to me...she fabricated a story about getting asked to speak at some conference in Florida. She said they were paying her air, hotel, and food and she could bring a companion (my uncle) She talked about how she wasn't too nervous to speak and how honored she felt she was asked....etc. etc. Turns out she went to Las Vegas...again. She goes about 4 times a year and normally I watch her adult handicapped daughter some of the time she is gone. (I share the babysitting with a cousin.) This time she did not need me to help with the sitting. My cousin has different days off now and he and his wife (no kids) took car of her. I thought her story about the conference was suspicious because she has always been a SAHM and I couldn't understand why she would be asked to speak. I also knew they always went to vegas for 5 nights which is exactly how lone she would be gone..She does gamble a lot (every Friday at the boats). I am not sure if there is a gambling problem. They seem to have plenty of money (buy nice things, take care of the house etc.) I am just appalled at being lied to. I called my cousin and when I asked if she was really at a conference, he said "I plead the 5th" confirming my doubts. Why would my aunt, who I am closer to than my own mother, lie to me and what should I do about it? I am so angry. I know she is embarrased to be going to Vegas so much. If she's embarrassed, why go? But more importantly why lie to me, someone who loves her like a mother and does so much for her? I know when I call her and ask about the trip, she'll just lie more telling me about it. Do I let it go on? I feel like posting the words "I KNOW" on her facebook page to get her attention. What would you do?
Thanks for all the advice so far....I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. Just to clear things up a bit, I have never commented on her going to Vegas. I always ask how it is and if she liked it. She does get everything comped while she is there. She shares that every time. I would NEVER say anything about the number of times she goes. When she asked me to watch her daughter, I simply say yes and we work out the schedule for the time she's gone. My great grandparents (her parents) moved up here from out of state about a year ago and I know she doesn't want them to know she goes. She cares for them in their own condo,..takes them to Dr. appointments, makes dinner a few times a week, etc. I KNOW she doesn't want them to know. They have very strong beliefs about gambling and to them its a sin. When they were out of state, she just didn't call them while she was gone. I never mentioned it to them either and never had to lie or anything. I simply didn't talk about her to them. Now that they live so close and she sees them almost daily, she has went twice making up stories to them about my uncle making surprise plans for her or going to specifically see some show in Vegas. I just can't understand why I am now in the same boat with them??? They may pass judgement (she thinks, I'm not sure they would ever say anything), but I certainly have not. I also know taking time off from work for Vegas for my uncle may look bad on him to his employees.... My aunt used to judge a friend of hers for gambling so much. She talked about how she was at the boats soooo much to me. When she started gambling herself, she and this friend stopped talking. It was weird. Thanks for any other advice you can give. I truly appreciate it!
Wait til someone posts something about her trip to Vegas lol I would ask her, if you're that close, there is a reason she is lying to you.
When you ask about her trip, just ask 'how was Vegas?'
I would wait until she gets back and talk to her, in person if possible, about it. Ask why she felt like she needed to lie to you. Tell her that you don't care how many times she goes to Vegas, unless *she* feels there's an issue there. Tell her how you feel about being lied to; that you feel hurt and betrayed. Be honest and sincere and try not to attack her. Make it about YOUR feelings regarding being lied to, not about her lying.
I think I'd say "So, how was Vegas?"... and when she comes clean tell her she has no reason to make up stories with you and you would much rather know where she was in case of emergency ... and your feelings are hurt that she wasnt honest... and you really want to know what has prompted her to fib about it in the first place. The "why lie" part is more interesting than the fact that she did it.
Let us know how it goes :)
She might feel as if she's being judged?
I know your feelings are hurt and you have every right to feel hurt, but if you can, step outside of what she did to you and look at what she is doing to herself. Why lie if not embarrassed? Gambling every Friday? This behavior is a sign of addiction. I'm not saying she is, but red flags are a-flyin. So, your approach to her: Be very honest and state that you heard she was in Las Vegas and hurt that she lied - No drama, just as simple as that. Be concerned, come from a place of wondering, rather than pissed and confrontational. Don't Facebook, think of relationship, rather than this incident.
Its sounds that is a gambling problem and as you said you are very close so you must be one of the persons that's she really care .....maybe she doesn't want to hear your comments about gambling or so....(my mom is in the same boat). I agree with Lesley S.
Whether the guilt she feels comes from an internal or external sources, if you are as close with her as it sounds, then she needs to know somehow that you do not judge her for her recreational choices. Given the brief description of her life, it doesn't sound easy and she relies on these breaks. Remember, though, that for you to come across as sincere, you must believe in what you say.
As others have said, confront her nicely in person if you are going to do it. I would keep your eyes open about the gambling issue--it could be an addiction but watch for a pattern or that is becoming a problem for her.
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Maybe someone has questioned her about her Vegas trips and penchant for gambling, made it into an issue and now she's embarassed about it. Or maybe it really has become a problem for her. Or maybe there's something medically going on in her brain that is affecting her judgment or sense of reality.
I know that you are hurt that she lied to you. Not withstanding this recent aberancy of chracter, she's still the same aunt that you have always known and love. You don't indicate how you found out that she was going to Vegas instead of going off for a speaking engagement but, I think that if I were you, I'd wait and see what she had to say after she came back. If she came back telling more tales, I think I would very gently say something like, "That's funny. I had heard somewhere that you were actually going to Vegas for one of your trips again and so I thought maybe plans for your speaking engagement had been cancelled." And then just see what she has to say from there.
If she is not a habitual liar, then being called out on the carpet like this would probably cause her not to want to lie again. I just think that maybe there is more to the story going on and maybe she's ashamed of her Vegas trips for some reason.
Hear her out and see what she has to say. And just try to realize that, if she is not normally like this, then maybe you can cut her some slack this time. We all make mistakes sometimes.
It sounds like a gambling problem, which is just as bad as a alcohol or drug problem. They will lie, cheat, & steal, just like a druggy to gamble. If she is that big of a gambler and stays 5 nights, I suspect her room and meals are comps.
It is possible, she has lost a large sum of money and needs to win it back. There is not much you can do, if she is in trouble, you have to treat it as if it were a drug or drinking problem.
Personally, I would ask how her speech went and how she was chosen to be a speaker.
The days of calling and having someone paged in a casino are long gone, so you can't page her in her casino of choice.
Keep asking questions and I am sure she will tell the truth, eventually.
I skimmed over your responses and unless I missed it, nobody mentioned how strange it is that she made up such an elaborate story about herself. That right there is a red flag in itself. Not just that she lied, but the story sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies or a need to be praised. I'd be surprised if this is the first time she's made up a story about herself to impress people or get compliments. Maybe she has a self-esteem problem. And yes a gambling problem too. But yes I would be hurt and mad that she lied and I would confront her. Not just about lying but why she felt the need to make it so over the top.
She lied to you because she has a gambling addiction. All her close friends and family seems to either endorse her addiction or enable her. I'd also write "I KNOW" on her facebook... and when she gets home, talk to her about seeking counseling.
Hi,
I am so sorry that she treated you this way. If it were me, I would confront her face to face. I would say----I know, I know that what you told me wasn't the truth- I know that you didn't really go to a conference to speak. I am not sure why you made this up, but would love an explaination. then wait to see what she says....who knows why she did this????But her behavior is inexcusable. Hold her to it--don't just sweep this under the rug. GL.
M
So she told your cousin where she was really going but not you? Is it possible that she knows you don't think its okay to go to Vegas and she doesn't want to disappoint you, she's embarrased if you know where she is? Without meaning to, maybe you are judging her and she senses that and wants to avoid your comments or reactions? Lying to you is not okay but you need to also look at why she would lie to you and not to others. As for a gambling problem, she might have one and she might not. Tread very carefully there. Even if she is addicted, she will likely be resistant to talking with you about it. I know this is all painful but be cautious that you don't accuse her of something that might not be true. Try to get at the reason she lied to you about Vegas first.
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