Family Drama / Etiquette

My thought? Life is too short to be offended by things like this. You're looking for drama. Stop it.

I give out last minute invites frequently because we decide to do something last minute. My family doesn't care but I guess we don't have a history of dysfunction.

If you don't want to go, just say you can't make it. I certainly would not call her out on her "rudeness" since that would be rude;)

You're looking for drama where there isn't any. Go if you want, and be nice. If you get upset every time you don't get invited quickly enough you will probably stop getting invites, then will be back complaining that his family ignores you or is "disloyal."

Yeah, seems like you are jumping on the "offended" train too quickly.

So, your only choices are to "go along" or "swallow" this. I think there are a few other options in this situation. Ignore, might be one. Politely decline, might be another. When you make big deal out of this, it's kind of like the pot calling the kettle, black.

Drama begets Drama. Drop the attitude.

So you know for sure she was having a party and only invited you because your step son outed her? Sounds like some of the drama might be of your own creation. His sister called and invited you to a get together. Go if you want. Stay home if you don't problem solved.

I think someone should RSVP, return the Jump To Conclusions Mat back in it's box, make a dessert, and go.

Don't read into the timing of the invite. You were invited.

Now the ball is in your court to go or not.

ETA after your post in the thread - usually, by the way, you write a So What Happened. Like another poster, I don't know how you answer your own question on the thread:
I didn't actually mean to click on "flower" on your post. I wasn't paying much attention because of the TV. What I was actually thinking was could it be one of those text message auto-corrects. If I'm not paying attention while texting, some of the words that come up sound pretty silly.

Original:
I disagree with you. I also think that if you're going to feel slighted after getting an invitation in this way, anything they do is going to make you feel slighted.

Accept the invite graciously. Go and be happy. Understand that they may not have even gotten their act together. That happens. Not everyone "plans". Sometimes the wife thinks the husband has invited people and the husband thinks the wife has invited people and NO ONE has done it. A kid bringing it up may be just what's needed for the adults to get their acts together.

I'm not trying to argue the issue of the past problems with the family. Some people just are not "loyal". Some people are just plain selfish. It happens. But how you handle things going forward is what will make you continue to be unhappy or help you just enjoy the moment.

Unless you want to wallow in angst over the past, stop fussing about this late invite and just go and try to pretend that you aren't pissed.

I suggest you're giving this too much thought which is understandable given the history. I came from a family tumultuous at times. I learned to analyze before acting. In therapy I learned how to take situations and words at face value; no analyzing. I found that mostly when I just paid attention to the moment's surface life was easier and situations worked out fine. On the rare occasion it didn't work out I was able to back off, not get hooked, and manage fine with a whole lot less pain than when I tried to figure out what was "really" happening.

I've had family and friends invite me in a similar way. Always it was just miscommunication. Often it's been because they thought I knew I was welcome or they'd been busy and didn't realize they hadn't Iinvited me or they expected someone else would tell me or perhaps as it sounds like in your case, it had been so long since we'd been together they hadn't thought to invite me.

I suggest you go, be friendly and forget the past.

The best way to avoid drama, or at least keep it to a minimum, is to not be a part of it. She invited you to a party. Either you graciously accept her invitation, or you politely decline it. Anything else is just causing drama.

If you want to go, go. If not, kindly thank her for the invitation and let her know you won't be able to make it. Done.

My SIL is the big drama queen in my husband's family. She's always posting pictures on Facebook of the fun things the family does with her brother and his boyfriend. That's great, but we are rarely included - and this is my husband's brother, too. But when my brother's wife posts pictures of one outing one time, she goes on and on about how offended she is. But this was my parents and my brother, not hers! But my husband and I know better than to give into the drama. We simply apologize and promise to include her next time - and then we complain to each other.

Hey, you can't control what other people do. You can only control what you do and how you respond. There's nothing to be gained by "calling her out."

Please realize that overthinking things creates drama, and you are overthinking here based on past history. Understandable, when that history is a bad one, but take each day and each invitation on its own.

It's just a Fourth of July gathering. Don't know about your family, but among our family and friends, the Fourth is very, very casual - sometimes people call the night before, or even the morning of the Fourth, to say, "Do you want to...." at very last-second notice. This is not a wedding to which you weren't invited, or a Thanksgiving dinner arrangement gone wrong, or a Christmas Eve dinner where everyone knew about it months in advance and you weren't told, or someone snubbing you at a funeral. Keep things in perspective here.

Can you be objective enough to go back and re-read the last paragraph of your own post? The language is defensive when the only "offense" was texting you after she talked with or texted the stepson. Would you have been less offended if you'd been texted a few minutes before him? WHat if you found out someone else got a text five minutes before you did? Can you see how, in a very casual situation where the invitations are issued informally (text isn't exactly an engraved invitation), the day before the event, you may be reacting to your past experience more than to this one specific invitation?

You said you didn't want to be the one to "cause any further disruption" where there has been some progress. Get into a lather over who got texted first for a very last-minute and casual gathering, and you are doing just what you said you don't want to do. If you just can't bear to go, encourage your husband to go by himself. I don't see what "circumstances" here are so offensive, or call her claims of missing him into question.

Well, at least your step son is up for negotiating invitations with the family, and you seem more focused on the timing of the invite rather than pitching in and making it a pleasant event for all.

In our family, invites get tossed back and forth through family members all the time. And canceled the same way.

Just tonight I had to cancel a weekend trip, and I told brother to tell sister. So it goes sometimes.

I hope you all can be a little more forgiving of the timing of invites, as it's difficult juggling everyone's schedules these days.

I'd love to tell you about my last minute cancellations I've made this weekend due to medical emergencies.

Next time, call and ask what's up and you'd like to participate and can you bring a dish.

You are making an assumption that she only invited you guys because someone spilled the beans. When people make assumptions, they are causing drama.

I'm sure she and other family members pick up on your "I am not one to swallow things like this and just go along" attitude, therefore you come across as not likable. Your husbands family knows things about him and his ex that you don't, so to assume it's all the ex wives fault his family doesn't like him, sounds silly since you weren't there. If you truly don't want to cause any "further disruption" then go and have a good time without calling her out.

So she was texting down the list, perhaps going back and forth on foods to bring and you think it is unusual that there was an hour between when your step son got a text and you did?

You are seeing things that are not there.

Why are you adding to the drama? You say it's their drama. But you immediately want to be offended. If you're assuming intent, then YOU are part of the drama you're accusing them of.

Your step son wants to see you. You are invited. Go and be polite and stop looking for problems.

I think you have some very good advice below, I'll just add this:

I have parents who have a VERY hard time with planning things in advance. That is to say, if they make a plan a week or so in advance, it becomes an 'obligation' and they take that sort of attitude-- they really don't like being 'pinned down' to anything. This has caused a lot of conflict between us in the past because I am, by nature, a planner. I like knowing in advance, planning ahead.

We both thrive on vastly different ways of living. While I am not completely rigid in my plans, I can tell you that my folks experience my planning in that way.

Once I got over the fact that their way (spontaneous would be their word for it) is not meant to be an insult or offense directed at me, things did improve. We have a LOT of drama and old history in my family, and I realized that for me, this was MY trigger-- when they don't show up at all, or show up unfashionably late-- I had to let go of that anger and remember that I, too, have the choice to decline, change my own mind ("Oh, now you are thinking seven instead of five? Hmmm... that's too late for us, so I think we'll need to bow out. Have fun and we'll try it another time.") and do what I need to do for me and my family.

YOU have the same exact choice. I hope that if you go, you go graciously, and if you don't, you stay home in an equally gracious manner. Don't hold onto this. Believe me... I did for YEARS. Guess what? *It didn't change them.* It didn't matter what the rest of the world felt about their manners in this regard -- what mattered was my deciding to stop internalizing their decisions and making it about me. This is THEIR way. I can learn to take care of myself and let go of it or be mad about it all the time. I can tell you which choice is more pleasant for everyone...

Try, Try, Try to stay above and out of the drama.

I have been in this situation so many times. It is embarrassing, hurtful and frustrating, no matter what side you are on. The receiving end, the person that stepped in it y accident.. Awful feelings.

You know the history, but who knows what is going on?

Second guessing and assuming can put you on the level of their bad manners, so instead, be lady gracious and make your own plans.

No explanation needed, just do what you all want to do. And drop their drama. Let it land on the floor like a thud and walk away from it.

K.,

Welcome to mamapedia!

Happy 4th of July!!

You are being no better than you sister in law, in my opinion. What purpose would be served to "call her on it"?? Just so you could be a snot too?? WHAT IF!!!?? Her request WAS sincere??? What if she wasn't sure about how her invite would be interpreted by you or your husband and looky here... she was right... it was MISINTERPRETED....

MAYBE just MAYBE your step son did call her and ask if she didn't invite and she did...

I don't know the backstory, nor will I pretend to. However, from where I stand? You are harboring a lot of anger and CONTRIBUITING to the drama in the family.

Now my question to you is this - do you WANT reconciliation or drama???

Reconciliation? Then go and BE NICE...
Drama? Confront and stoop to her level..
You can't change the past and bringing it up all the time will NOT change it... LEARN from it... why not YOU be the first to start the healing????

"bring his "meds""

Umm, I'm pretty sure this was her clever way of saying BYOB. In other words, she was inviting him to bring his own alcohol, as she would be drinking but not supplying. Kind of like, "Pick your poison."

Maybe it wasn't so clever, but come on. You are really jumping to conclusions here!

Bottom line, do you want to have a relationship with them or not? The ball is in your court. If you want to be on good (drama free) terms with them, you are going to have to assume their invites are sincere and stop reading into things.

Relax! If you keep assuming the worst of people, you will find it, whether it's actually true or not.

well, if you are really willing to 'call' someone on their 'rudeness' for an 'invitation' brought up by a kid, i suspect a lot of the 'family drama' originates squarely with you.
i'm glad your husband is present to temper things so your step-son doesn't get entirely alienated due to your inability to 'swallow things like this', ie abstain from starting trouble.
so, for your stepson's sake, you might want to take a pass on this invitation. sounds like you're loaded for bear and walking in looking for a fight.
khairete
S.

My thought: If you are going to have an attitude and are considering calling her out on her "rudeness," don't go.

Another thought: Family does not HAVE to be loyal to each other just because they are family. You may not know the whole true story of things that happened between your husband and his ex. Maybe if he is able to acknowledge and take responsibility for things he has done, they may more readily accept him back after the estrangement. Obviously, I don't know the details, but often there is more to a situation than we know when it occurs before we were even around. My point is maybe there is a valid reason for his family to support his ex.

I just had this conversation with someone yesterday. She was invited to the same picnic I'm attending today. She thinks she was only asked because another person insisted that the host do it. I know that is absolutely untrue, but she's being paranoid because she can't see that she is liked for her own merits.

Anyway...sometimes life goes smoother if you take things at face value and not assign motives or emotions to them.

In this case, the non-drama thing to do is simply assume that it was an oversight or that they thought you already knew via another family member. Maybe your step-son did put them up to it, but maybe not. You can't know for sure unless someone tells you.

Calling her up to gripe at her about it would never be the right choice, but you're not obligated to go if you don't want to go. Make the decision based on what feels right to you, then politely decline or accept.

Do you know for sure the boy mentioned it to the SIL? Is there a chance she just called late?

In the service of your marriage, I would shelve the anger and go. Sounds like this is a second marriage. Things can be complicated with remarriage even for extended family members. Perhaps his family really loved his first wife. Feelings don't just go away because a divorce paper was signed. I know I don't know your story. My sister's husband left her for another woman and his family still keeps in contact with my sister. She was family for years. Over time they have warmed up to new wifey but it took time. It seems important that your stepson brought it up. Maybe go for his sake. Also, I would be careful to draw conclusions over a text. Too much can get projected into it that really isn't there.

Eh, too much drama. Go if you want to, don't go if you don't want to. Don't bother reading anything into it. Don't NOT go just because you're offended. Don't add to the drama (which is exactly what you'd be doing if you refuse to attend on the grounds that you're offended by the lack of timely invitation).

So GO if you want to spend July 4th with your extended family (and go graciously and have a good time, don't pout all afternoon). OR spend July 4th with your immediate family doing whatever you normally do on July 4th. But simply choose one, and do it happily. Forget about any perceived offense. CHOOSE to be happy today.

Please don't add to the family drama by calling her on it because you are offended by the late invitation. They may have already thought you knew about it via the grapevine or it may have been a last minute gathering. Maybe since progress is being made at family reconciliation and you don't want to cause further disruption, then act gracious to all if your husband decides that he wants to attend. If he doesn't, then just send regrets. Try harder to "go along" instead of creating a whole new chapter of drama.

I'm wondering how you replied to yourself without using the so what happened.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. Just don't assume that your SS had anything to do with it.

I understand that you can't always control where your brain goes. When it comes to something I cannot prove or can never know for sure (like somebody's motives), I choose to brush it off. I CHOOSE not to let it matter. What if it was a simple oversight? Due to the same drama that you mention, and maybe a little more, SIL might have been over there wondering if she should extend an invitation to you. Maybe she had tossed around with someone the idea of entertaining and the news got back to you before she was ready. If you're not willing to ask non-accusatorily, then I think that everyone would be served better for you to settle on one of the best conclusions that you can draw, not the worst.

Also, maybe she had reasons for not wanting to invite you and then felt awkward when news got to you. It's okay for you not to be invited to everything. If you think that you got a last-minute invite, following somebody else's slip, it wouldn't be a terrible idea to believe that she decided not to dig her feet in on not inviting you. She would have been well within her rights to do so, if you were not part of her original guest list. Maybe the ex was invited or had just decided that she'd go, and SIL thought it would be uncomfortable. I recently went to a family party (husband's family) without my husband and was surprised to see SS and ex show up. SS was part of the open invitation, and he had extended that to his mother.

Another tidbit: No matter how long you've been married to your husband, she's been his sister longer. Unless you have also heard her version of ALL events since their childhood together, you CANNOT know their dynamic well enough to call her wrong and him right. Siblings bring all kinds of things into adulthood. That you mention a history of family drama says that this disease is systemic and chronic. Your husband is part of that system. I'm sure that you want to be protective of him and that you long to inject to this family some of your kind of justice, but an in-law who gets offended about a party (not even a party and not even for any special life event) will NOT help with any healing there.

Those are my thoughts--as an in-law, as a second wife, as a person whose family has drama and a person whose husband's family has drama. I get all up in arms about certain things, but that's between my husband and me. As long as we're on the same page about it, we're good. You never diffuse dramatic folks with drama of your own. The best way to make your point with them is to remain calm and firm and keep your own peace. Any act of "going crazy" on them should be unexpected and have a very, very short life span. (Really, you only get one.) Otherwise, it's ineffective. If you're always offended or annoyed, then in their eyes, you're only the disagreeable in-law.

The day has passed by now. In the future, just decide to go and have a good time or not. Period. It's your choice. If you go and your good tiem is interrupted, guess what--you can leave.

The best way to avoid drama is to just make your own plans, do your own thing. We usually knew what we were doing on holidays pretty well in advance, because WE decided what we were going to do, sometimes it was with extended family sometimes just us.

Always be the bigger person. PERIOD. Who cares how, when you got invited. It's family so go and be on your best behavior. Be above the drama.

Oh, families, families! There's an old saying about family life being the training ground for social interaction. The training can sure be rough.

What does your husband think about going? You have strong feelings about this, but maybe it would be good to go with what he decides, since it's his family (and he has stronger feelings, whether he shows them or not). You can be gracious just for a few hours, right? Maybe some day you can entertain that whole family at your house, and show them how it ought to be done.

I'll grant you that they have things to learn about party planning and invitations! If I were in your shoes, I'd be laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. I really would.