Family Drama, Hands on or Hands Off?

Yeah...I don't play that game either.
Everyone gets invited and who comes comes.
I am Switzerland.

This goes with your other post where you describe hosting both Thanksgiving and Christmas for your entire extended family. That question and this one can't be separated, not this year.

I genuinely recommend that this year of all years, you, your husband and your daughter have your own family holiday for at least one of the two holidays. The drama you describe -- "serious breakdowns" and adults who don't talk -- sounds like far too much to add to the intense labor you already do for these relatives. Take at least one holiday entirely off (preferably both).

You are right not to get involved and to say everyone is invited but are you asking the question because you fear some level of drama will come into your home? If so, avoid the drama by not hosting. Take the break that your other post shows you need. Maybe the relatives who have issues will just stay away, but if they do come, you will not have time to play peacemaker or suggest this or that outing to distract everyone, not based on what you posted earlier. I really feel you are taking on board far too much of your extended family's lives -- both when they take for granted that you host two major holidays, four weeks apart, and when you feel that you must welcome warring relatives into your home.

It's your holiday too. Your daughter doesn't need drama over the holidays. Wouldn't it be great to just sip hot chocolate and play games with her over a holiday, and not worry once about the guest room or cleaning up or cooking for guests?

Do nothing more.
Just make it clear your home is a neutral zone (if any fighting starts up).
If anyone wants to fight they need to leave.

Not family, but I have Friend A who isn't wild about Friend B. I also have numerous BGLT friends and I have family members who feel that being anything but heterosexual is sinful.
I invite everyone and anyone who can't deal is welcome to RSVP regrets.
Everyone knows that the one rule is that ALL guests will be polite to other guests or be escorted to the door.
I have never had to ask anyone to leave.

Since I went back to your last question, I'm in agreement with making this year the year to celebrate with your own family. It sounds like a lot of stress for a lot of unaware people.

Nope just tell everyone that your house is Switzerland and all are welcome but you will not take sides. Hopefully they can put on their good manners for just 1 day. If not then they can stay home.

Since this is your second post in one day regarding the 'holiday season', I would be inclined to look for a neutral space that you could rent out for a specific time during the day. Perhaps cook and bring a 'main item' (turkey...ham??) and assign other sides to other members.

I would try to distance myself as much as I could. Sounds like a group that would be impossible to please, and I would still take a 'lead' in planning, but would do EVERYTHING I could to keep the stress OUT of my home.

Best!

L.,

Do nothing more.

From what you've written here, the issues that these family members have with each other have nothing to do with you, so there is no reason for you to become involved. They need to be grown-ups and settle it and move on.

If they try to drag you into the mix, you already have your perfect response,
"Everyone will be welcome in my home." No further talk about it. End of story.

Wishing you strength with this. Hosting holiday events with large numbers is exhausting in and of itself without having to worry about family doing battle with each other.

J. F.

You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. (Repeat that 3 times a day.)

Invite, don't invite. But do not get into their drama. If they don't speak, fine. If they don't come, fine. Don't raise the subject but if anyone comments on the guest list, tell them they are free to accept or reject your invitation.

Don't get involved. Hold your head high, focus on the positive, and just sigh once and move on every time someone says something!

This has happened within my biological family as well.. my sister and I got into an argument and sadly, her granddaughters (without even knowing BOTH sides of the story) have decided to take my sister's side and they no longer speak to me... Moreover, her own kids, with whom my sister doesn't have good relationships also don't speak much to anyone in the family... So it's a pretty big mess.. I just keep my head up... stay positive and focus my attention on the positive people in my family... which happen to be on my husband's side of the family.. :)

Nope...your instinct is correct. Invite everyone, let everyone know that everyone else is invited, and let those who have issues choose to attend or not.

My husband and his brother had a huge falling out a few years ago and family get-togethers were such a pain because the hosts weren't transparent. They would send out a group e-mail that included us and left him off so we figured that he was out of town or whatever and not going and then they would do the same thing to him and we'd figure out awkwardly that both parties would be there. Or my husband and his brother would make a plan between the two of them to attend in shifts - we would leave early and they would come late or vice-versa - and then the hosts would change the time to try to get them both to attend together. It was crazy.

So...you invite everyone and let them sort things out among themselves. We desperately wanted our presence or absence at family events to be a non-issue and a private decision but the extended family kept trying to force the issue and it just made everything worse.

Good luck!

We have hosted big family dinners at our house for years now, for simple logistics, space, seating, and pet free atmosphere. One year my brother told me I was no better than my sister's then boyfriend (now husband) because I invited him to my home for the holiday. Ha! I didn't respond to him at all. It hurt me, but I didn't care enough to stir the pot.

My house is always open to everyone, and if people opt to come, they know I have no problem putting drama outside. I've done it before. So I think you are fine to offer your home to everyone, tell them all are invited, and let that be it.

I agree with your plan. I did that last year and almost all showed up. The cause of the fights and drama (my darling mother) who insisted on me having a group get together DID not show up.I was actually relieved. We have some renewed drama this year, but I am not having these parties, alas, a tree fell on my house and we are rebuilding. Perhaps that 'act of nature' was to save me from having to deal with it.Anyway,this year we will go wherever and mind our own business. I hate fights anyway, and I am not good at controversy.

I would just say that everyone is invited and you expect everyone to be civil in your home. My mom couldn't make my sister and I get along for a while, but she could require us to not fight in her home. So we went to Easter dinner, said very little to each other, and did not ruin Mom's event. My sister's in laws sometimes do not come if other in-laws come and she's to the point where she says you come or you don't but don't ruin my child's birthday over it.

I have had more than my fair share of family drama. I do exactly what you're doing - don't take sides - invite everyone and let THEM decide whether or not to come. Just remove yourself from the drama and ignore it.