Family Drama - Rice Lake,WI

I think Hazel hit it on the head. Only when I was reading it I was wondering if the people involved were tweens...

What would I do? First, let's face it--your SIL does you a very kind favor,she made one mistake and instead of calling her to see what was up, you decided to take your child. Instead of leaving it with her explanation that 'the roads were bad' (and just letting it go) you decided to double-check the story AND you decided that no matter what she said, she was lying and you were right.

Do I have that all correct?

M., sometimes I look at the clock and think "I have plenty of time" when something snags us up. Getting kids out the door is that way. Sometimes we think we have more time than we do. In this case, I would have given the benefit of the doubt: maybe traffic was bad; maybe she'd had a tough time and didn't feel like she wanted to rehash it with you. Maybe her clock was off... who knows?

The problem was that, instead of being grateful that she was okay, that she did make it (albeit late, but you don't mention she has a habit of this), you ascribed the worst possible motives to her. YOU made that jump, instead of just letting it go with "we all have rough mornings sometimes". If someone was regularly doing me this favor of taking my child to school so it was more convenient for me, I'd cut them a LOT of slack. OR, if it was problematic, I'd adjust my own schedule so I could do it myself.

Because you assumed the worst about her, and were likely acting that way (or why would she ask if you had a problem with her? what are we missing?)--She asked if you had a problem with her, and instead of saying your piece or asking "No, do you think I do? What's up?" and trying to clear the air, you more or less froze her out. You wouldn't look at her. Very passive-aggressive. OF COURSE you had a problem with her, and at that point, you were punishing her by making her tease it out of you. How do you think you *didn't* contribute to the problem? This all could have been dealt with by a little forgiveness and just "oh, sorry, I was just having a tough morning and I didn't mean to take it out on you. I appreciate your taking the time to pick up my girl and I was just a little off." Or something else to clear the air.

You felt you were in the right. I imagine you still feel in the right. At this point, you will likely need to just apologize and move on and be aware that your SIL will be wary of you in the future. She was trying to work out a misunderstanding and you cut her off at the pass every time because you don't like how she did it. (raised her voice, in front of kids, family present)

M., the best thing our kids can see is us working out our differences. Do you think your SIL was mad because you were pissed but refusing to even grant her the ability to clear the air because it wasn't on your terms?

Years ago, when I was a nanny, we had an incident where I was supposed to take all the kids out for a pizza party in the afternoon-- one of the parents was supposed to pick up the big kids from their bus stop at a neighborhood school. M., that mom forgot, genuinely forgot, and when she finally came with the girls 45 minutes later, she was crying. She felt panicked and terrible. She'd lost track of time and was horrified with herself. There was no need to punish her for this or make her feel badly. People generally feel terrible when they let other people down. Even people they are doing a favor for. This incident taught me that we are ALL human, we all make mistakes even with the best of intentions, and that we should sometimes just let those mistakes go.

Now, your SIL made the mistake of not managing her time well that morning, and you've made the mistake of turning a molehill into a mountain. Try to clear the air. This wasn't part of your SIL's diabolical scheme to take you down or make your daughter tardy, it was a mistake. Very, very small potatoes in the big picture. I'd just apologize:"I don't know why I got so upset about this,but I am sorry." and then try to move forward. After that, if you are apologizing sincerely, then the ball's in her court.

(and ascribing best possible motives: "she lied because she was embarrassed/felt badly and wanted to save face. I'll just be gracious and move on.")

I'm sorry, but I think you are the one that started the whole thing. She does you a favor every single day by picking up your daughter for school and you started this over something completely trivial and nitpicky and then showed attitude instead of telling her that you had a problem. You might THINK that you were being a bigger person by not saying anything and letting it go, but really, you weren't. It is obvious from the entire rest of your post that you displayed an attitude to her about it and denied a problem. That's real honest. Isn't it? That's your big claim to being right in the whole thing, too, isn't it? That she lied to you?

You're not really clear about a couple of things, and it bugs me. Makes me wonder if something is being misrepresented to make you look better in the whole thing. At the start of your post you say that she picks up your daughter from school, but that you are clearing off your car to "take her". Huh? Does she pick up your daughter from home and take her to school, or does she pick her up from school and bring her home? And what was it you were about to do, go get her or take her?
Then you said "she showed up 15 min late" and you say that you told her if she was going to be late to tell you so you could take your daughter yourself... then this is where you say you checked your phone and she had called from her house. So did she call and NOT tell you she was running behind? That makes no sense whatsoever. Why did she call you?
It makes it sound like the real story might be that she did tell you she was running behind, but maybe misrepresented HOW behind, and you are ticked that it was so much, and didn't want your daughter to be late. Which is fine, but if so, then SAY so and just start taking your daughter yourself. If you are going to rely on someone else to take your child to school, then you need to be a little more understanding when there is a glitch in someone's morning. It happens.
And if you have to start getting your 1 yr old up in the mornings every day and packing him/her in the car in addition to getting your older one out the door, you will soon realize that.

Then, when she comes to pick up her nephew (I'm guessing you two exchange services regarding drop off and pick up?), and directly asks you if there is a problem, you LIE and say in a very curt manner "nope." and then proceed to ignore her. Your own description. The very nature of your description gives the lie to what you did. Anyone who had no mal-intent would have just said "no, why?" and paused in whatever they were doing, with no need to tell US that you "continued picking up toys". That is obvious that you were being intentionally busy to avoid conversation with her.

Look, yeah, she over reacted in front of the kids. Then it proceeded to escalate--but you are part of it. You are not above the drama, you are part of it. You actually started it. And when she called you on it you seem to have acted all "I'm above all that what is your problem?" which is infuriating to someone who genuinely wants to get to the bottom of something. Stop denying you were mad from the outset. It is obvious that you were.

The rest of it can be solved easily enough---you go apologize to your parents for your middle school drama spilling over to family events. You and your SIL should have BOTH been bigger than letting that happen--but you need to apologize for it, not just your SIL. And you need to apologize to your SIL for lying and claiming you weren't mad about anything. Come clean with her and say, you know what? I WAS mad. And here's why. And then go from there. Apologize for lying about it and admit you should've just been up front at the time.
Then get over it.

I think you were being passive aggressive towards your SIL, but you are are trying to project an air of being the bigger person by ignoring her attempts to discuss the situation. I'm not surprised she continued to get more upset. If I were trying to clear the air over some issue and the other person was obviously bothered, but refused to talk about it, I would be upset too.

She was late. It happens. She did call you. If the ride for my kids was late, I would call them myself to see what was going on in case I needed to make other arrangements. If you can't get past things, it would be better if you take over the transportation. She gets your daughter as a favor to you so I would apologize for the way things turned out and tell her that you appreciate her picking up your daughter. Let the lie over what time she left go. It's not that important. Make up with her and leave the rest of the family out of it.

Perhaps your SIL feels unappreciated for picking up your child everyday for school. I know it is not out of her way but she still has to get an earlier start so she can stop at your house. You seem to think it is no big deal for her to do what I would consider a very big favor for you.
To be honest, your comment would have annoyed me too. Your SIL was probably not planning on being late then you make the comment if your going to be late, call. I think it is better for all to just take your own kids to school.
Re: your mom...you need to talk her. I also think you should apologize to your SIL and thank her for driving. I hope your SIL then apologizes to you because you deserve an apology from her as well.

Hazel has it right. People get flustered, get stuck in traffic, read a clock wrong, things happen.

SIL seems far too touchy and easily angered, which would be a red flag for me -- is she like that about other things? Is she a constant source of little dramas?

But at the same time, you were too quick to try to "catch her out" yourself (why check the precise time and location of a call? That seems like trying too hard to be the one who's "right"). Both of you could have reacted differently here.

I do agree that fighting in front of the kids would be wrong, so good call there.

But I wonder: Overall, is your family drama-prone? The clue is what you say about your mom. Does your mom usually get into these things like she did here?

Mom needs to butt out of this incident and all others. If she talks trash about SIL to you, should it be any surprise that now she's talking about you to to SIL? Keep her out of all future ruckuses. If mom wasn't present when you talked to your dad, but he told her things that you said, he too needs to butt out.

As for what to do, I would ensure that I just didn't discuss any future disputes with either mom or dad. If SIL chooses to do so and badmouth you, that's her problem. If mom BELIEVES the SIL's badmouthing you, her own daughter, well, you mom might have some issues bigger than this one incident.

I have my own question for responders that feel you are the one that started the whole thing...

Even if M. was irritated, and maybe even acted a little like it , because SIL was late, why does that give SIL permission to be a *B* later in the day... twice? If someone is acting angry at me and in my face I am going to avoid them too. Why couldn't SIL just drop it after M. said No I have no prob?

That is assuming M. didnt tell her "no you called at 8" and it went just like she posted.

I just took the post totally different I think. The way I see it, is if I am irritated with you, and choose not to bring it up to you (esp if your the type to yell in my face), it must not be THAT big a deal, then you should leave me alone.

ETA... Victoria makes some valid points tho, lol

It's called being passive agressive. Just because you were the "quite" one and her more verbal, doesn't make her the bad person. You were giving her attitude from the beginning of this and she called you out on it.

I think that if you want it resolved, you and SIL need to have a real talk (doesn't need to be long or dramatic) and clear the air. Then if anyone else asks you about it, you can say that you and SIL resolved your differences and let it go. If your mom is talking badly about people, then that is her problem. You can shrug and say, "You know Mom" and move on. Drama exists only as long as there are people stirring.

It sounds like you need to clear the air with your mom and tell her that if she continues to talk sh*t about you to ANYONE, that you won't be coming over anymore.

Your SIL lied to you and is yelling at you because she knows she was caught. If she thinks that it will make you think she wasn't lying because she is pissed at you, she's an idiot.

No more picking up each other's kids. If she is willing to yell at you in front of them over something like this, I would wager that she will either talk badly about you to your children, or start treating your children badly. You don't need to be seeing your SIL much if she is going to lie to your face and talk badly to you.

It really is time for you to let your mom know point blank that she needs to keep her mouth shut.

Dawn

Too late now, but you probably should have let her continue to pick her up if you truly forgave her and forgot about it.

You just have to quit talking about it to everyone and let it die down.

I think the key sentence for me is your SIL asking if you have a problem with her. That sounds like she heard something from your mom that either isn't true or that should not have been repeated. Your mom is stirring the pot.
I think you both should try to apologize again and have an honest conversation about the pot stirring. Agree to not listen to gossip about each other, to live as honestly with each other as possible.
Then the conversation with your mom...

I agree with Hazel.

You think that your sister in law was lying because she said she left 10 minutes before 8 and you checked your phone to see that she called at 8. Didn't it accure to you that her clocks may be off. If you go by my clocks around the house you can lose 10 minutes here and there. Even the computer clock is 12 minutes faster then my cell phone clock. Appoligize to your SIL and know that it is important to keep open communication in friendships and in family relationships. As for your mother, it is always said if someone says things about someone to you behind their back, you can be sure they would do the same to you. This is a reflection on her, not you or your sister in law. Just see that you don't add to the conversations when she does it, it won't be kept secret.