Explaining Death to an Almost 3 Year Old

I am so sorry to hear of y our sad experience. Please go to www.biblestudents.com under the Bible Topic of Comfort, Suffering, Death and Kingdom. You will find resources to help yourself overcome this, and in turn help your dear child.
I suggest, making a memory book of your mother with your child, that way they have something to hold onto and keep near.
God Bless you and give you strength.

A.,

I know it is hard because they do not understand fully. We have had to explain several different deaths to our son. With another one soon (his aunt). We explain to him that she/he has gone on to a better place and is watching over him to keep him safe throughout the day. We explain that they love him very much but he will not be able to hug or talk to he/she like he is used to. However, whenever he is sad and wants the person, he can just talk to them and they will hear him, just not answer back. However, while u still have them around, if your mom is up to it, let her call mamaw, anytime of the week during this time. You could even possibly see if the hospital will let her come see her mamaw (if she is close enough), at least once, so she can tell her bye. Just be honest with her. Some believe it is not appropriate to let the kids go to viewings/layouts, and/or funerals. However, we have always taken our son. It does not seem to phase him. We tried with the first one when he was actually able to walk, to keep him out in the waiting area, but when he saw, everyone in the other room, he wanted to know what was going on, he went in, saw his great-great aunt laying in the casket, waved to her, and then walked around to talk to everyone.

There is no real answer. It just depends on what works for you and your family. My niece, is going through this right now with her 4 year old (it's her mom, that we know is going die soon).

Hope it helps,
T.

A.,

Just be truthful with your daughter, you don't need to go into great detail but tell her that Mamaw is very sick and that you're not sure how much time on this earth she has left. You'll need to explain that once someone dies they won't be there anymore, they are gone. I know it sounds harsh, but don't sugar coat it, you'll end up being asked more questions in the long run if you try to sugar coat. Trust me children appreciate it when we are honest with them and actually explain what the real situation is.

Plus, as others said, deal with your emotions too, this is your mother, cry, be sad, be angry and don't try to hide it all from your daughter, like you said she knows that something is wrong already let her know why you are sad, why she can't call mawmaw everyday anymore. If you start talking to her now, she'll be better equipped to handle the outcome.

Take care
Mel

I am very sorry to hear about your mom. My fater in law died when my son who was really close to him was only two. We told him that papap was going to go live with Jesus. I don't know if you are a christian or not. But this helped him understand. I know there are books out there for children to help them understand. My children were 5 and 3 last year when we lost our baby. They were expeting me to come home with a baby and we had to tell them about a month before he was born that we would not be able to bring him home wiht us that he had a diffrent home in heaven with Jesus. We also read some books on this to them and it helped them. The funeral home we went to has a little book to read to your child about the whole funeral pracess if they have never been to one that might be something to look into maybe you could get one before the funeral and read it to her.. That may help. Again I am sorry to hear about your mom I will be praying fo ryou.

A.,
I am so sorry for your (anticipated) loss. First, and I may get some flack for this, let me say that this is your mother and you should deal with your own grief first. Of course your child's feelings are important, but please don't put your own mourning aside for hers. That being said...
My son went through a death obsession for a while. He is 4 now. He wanted to know what happened to "grandma-grandma" (how he talks about his greats) and she had died when he was about 6 wks old. I tried to explain to him that people are kind of like toys. The heart and the brain are our batteries, and just like toys, sometimes our batteries wear down and we die. The only problem is that with people there are no new batteries to be gotten. I don't know if you are religious but if so you might seek the help of a pastor or someone who may be able to explain heaven to your little one without confusion. Someone mentioned heaven to my son and he was very confused. We don't go to church so he is unfamiliar, and he didn't understand how someone buried in the ground could get up to the sky. Goos luck to you and your family.
Bright blessings
~L.

A.--I am so sorry that your mother is sick. That is very difficult.

We had a suddent death in the family--my brother in law was a police office in another town & suddenly passed away. While our kids were babies when he died, our neice and nephew were almost 3 (they're twins) and were very close to their Uncle. It's been difficult to explain what happened to him. My brother in law and his wife were honest with them, but didnt tell too many details, so as not to scare them. My neice and nephew saw their Uncle almost every day, so the change in routine was difficult.

I think it's a good time to introduce what your family believes in terms of religion and afterlife. In our case, they just told them he went to heaven with God and missed playing with them very much. Of course they have questions and still ask about him often, but it's just a matter of being honest, but not too detailed. Good luck and God Bless.

I am sorry to read about your mother. My father died of lung cancer January 2006. At the time my children were 1yr. and 2months. But my brothers and sisters children were older ranging from 3-9 yrs. old. they all knew their papa was very sick. You could see it when you visited.My siblings explained to their children that papa was very sick and the doctors couldn't fix him. Now they all know he is in heaven. Even my daughter who is now 2 will look up in the sky and say hi papa. I keep pics around so my children will remember their papa. I hope this is helpful for you.

I'm so sorry A.! I know this is a hard time for you. My kids were 5 and 3 when my grandmother passed away and then a year later my brother passed away. They were pretty close to my grandmother and we would go visit her at the nursing home all the time up until she passed. At that time they knew grandma was sick. The when she died I just flat out explained to them that she went to heaven and that she was sick and pretty old. That her body just stopped working. Funny thing is, kids are so much more resiliant than you think! My daughter who was 3 at the time said to me " Grandmas not sick anymore!" Brings a tear to my eye as I tell you that. Then my brother died suddenly from meningitis. VERY unexpected! This one was a little harder sinc we weren't expecting it but again I tried to explain he got sick suddenly and went up to heaven w/grandma. That God had other things for him to do. I even let them go up to the caskets at the funerals. I see nothing wrong w/that. I know others may disagree. But I've always felt it was important they know death is a part of life and there's nothing to be afraid of. AND they aren't afraid of it.

Good luck! I know she'll be fine!

S.

First let me say I am sorry to hear of your mother's illness. I dealt with a similar situation 7 years ago, my daughter was also 3. My mother passed away of breast/bone cancer. The best thing you can do is let your daughter see her grandma and explain to her that she is ill and allow her to "say her goodbys" so to speak, (details of the illness can be given when she is older). I don't know how religious you are but my daughter really took to this: God needs another angel to look over us and nana (that is what we called her) has been choosen, she is very special. We are all proud of her and we are going to miss her very much when she is gone but she will always be with us. So whenever you start to miss her just look up in the sky and she will know you are thinking of her.

I also allowed my daughter to go to the funeral. She saw her mother and everyone else break down into tears and she knew how much nana ment to everyone, and surprisingly she said to me "don't cry mommy, nana's not sick anymore." You would be surprised how much kids do understand. Last month when we lost my grandfather (my mom's dad) she stood up at the casket, now 10yrs old, comforting people telling them that grandpa was with nana and they are going to be so happy to be together again. I think because I allowed her to attend my mothers funeral and expained to her what was going on she was able to handle both deaths extrememly well. Never underestimate your childrens intelligence and understanding of the situation around them. They understand more than you think.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this very emotional time.

Hello. I have not yet taken my 4y/o to a funeral of a relative yet. However, I did take my daughter to a memorial one year after my grandmother died. My g-m friends had a jar of "fairy dust" (glitter) that they took turns sprinkling over a memorial stone next to a tree they planted in her memory. I let my daughter (then 3) sprinkle on the "fairy dust" and we talked about how g-m is in Heaven with Jesus and we have a picture of her in our living room. She often makes commets about sprinking dust on the rock by the tree where g-m is burried (which she ins't burried there b/c the tree is NOT at the cemetary) and when she gets to Heaven she is going to give g-m a big hug. I thought the "fairy dust" (you could call it anything) is a good idea for little ones and the tree too, then they can look out the window or go to the special place and see the tree and share memories of Mamaw or even talk to her.

My 4 year old has now been to 5 funerals, none of them were as close as a grandmother but he knew them. Some were older people and there was one that was a teenager. We simply explained to him that there comes a time when God wants us to come live with him. He takes each of us in a different way. Some people get sick and then their body stops working and they die. Then we have a funeral and we celebrate their life and how wonderful and special that person was on earth. We've explained to him that heaven is a happy place to live and we will all live there together some day. We let him show the way, he can go as being carried up to an open casscet and say a prayer for that person and their family, friends and loved ones. We answer any questions he ask straight forward and he does extremely well with the whole situation. I am very straight forward with it, children are sponges and take in a lot. Teaching that death is not a bad thing, simply a part of life, a move from earth to heaven, I see is more positive. Maybe a simple, Grandma is very sick and can not talk on the phone will help or at least be a start.

Well, my dad died back in September. Our son was 3 1/2. My nephew was 4. Both boys responded differently and my sister and I had to prepare them accordingly. My nephew lives out of state, so he didn't see his Grandpa sick - only after he had died. My son who was very close in proximity and in general to his Grandpa saw him in the hospital hooked up to all the machines, etc. Our son wanted to be there - he wanted to understand what was what and why. He also wanted to be around the casket later - wanting us to lift him up so he could see his Grandpa. Our nephew was scared of the casket and didn't want anything to do with the funeral, etc. Two totally different approaches - and we all tried to respect each of them. Our son still asks questions and talks about his Grandpa. We try to answer them and tell him how we feel too - how we miss him, etc. After their Grandpa (our dad) died, my nephew had nightmares occasionally about it. He asks questions every now and again - but seems to be 'adjusting' (if that's possible) to the idea that he isn't coming back.

We've also told both boys about where we believe their Grandpa is - in heaven with Jesus. And that it was his 'old' body that went in the ground. "He" wasn't really in the ground (which I think bothered my son the most - thinking of him being under the ground in a closed up casket). The boys know that someday they will see their Grandpa again someday - in a new body that doesn't get sick...it's opened quite a bit of discussion as you can imagine - but they both are inquisitive and eager to understand this concept...

Don't know if this helps at all.

So hard.

But, the more honest we've tried to be with them - the better. We've let them see us cry and grieve too. I've found that my son cries about his loss sometimes too - I hope he knows it's ok as a result of watching me...

My heart goes out to you - truly.

T.

Be honest, completely honest!! Explain to her that her Mamaw is sick and will not be around much longer. We take our children to calling hours and funerals. Kids are very resilient and it doesn't seem to bother them at all. When my husband's Grandfather passed away our 2 year old kept wanting to go up and see his Grandpa. Death is a normal part of life and should be seen as such.

I have not had to go through this yet. I just wanted to add if it were me I would explin heavan is a place where they can go and rest and get better and soon we will go there too and be reunited with everyone. Death is hard enough but then to explain it to a young child is harder. I know it will be hard but when explaining it to her try not to cry. You want her to feel and believe that heaven is a good place and crying might confuse her. You crying at any other time is ok and when she askes just tell her you are sad and that you are going to miss grandma. My heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult time.

A.,
Recently as of November I loss my mother and just two weeks ago my father died. Both of them were VERY close to my 4 & 3 year old. They babysat for me all the time. Also in the
last year my mom play a huge role in helping me with my twin boys(16months) She was here all the time. She died suddenly from a heart attack. It was important that my sons went to the viewing.. I said She will look like she is sleeping, but I did explain she had died. and she will be heaven. When my father passed. The oldest got the chicken pocks the next day. They couldn't go the viewing(I feel they need to closure) So I made sure they were at the cemetary- he had full military honors- so it was a site to see, I wanted them to remember as much as they can. I will make sure I keep their memories alive by talking about them, answering any questions they may have.
I suggest you be honest, and tell she is sick in the hospital.
And that your mom sends her love, also have her draw pictures to put in your mom's room. She will enjoy that I am sure.

hope this helps.
Kathy

A.,
I to had this happen over memorial day last year with a very close friend that my daughter called grandama. It was my best friends mom that I had known since I was 2 years old. I watched the movie bamni with her and explained to her that like bambi's mom grandma Marsha went to heaven.. Ocassionally she states she misses her and I explain that she is with god and we can't see her but she is always in her heart. It was hard for a while but she excepts it now since we watched bambi.
hope this helps.
B.

I feel for you and what you are going through. My father passed away in July. My son was almost 4,We lived with my parents so my mom could continue to work so my son was there the whole time my father was sick,and I would try to explain papa was sick.I think it's helped that he got to help take care of papa.I think they seem to understand things a little more than we do sometimes.Let her be apart and help as much as she can.. and when it gets really close try to explain what is going to happen before it does,that is one thing I wish we had done,that day we sent all the grandchildren away,when they came back they were very confused as to where papa was ,and belive me at that time is going to be the hardest time to explain what happened .As for taking her to the funeral that is a choice you need to make if you think she would understand. I took my son and I don't think it really fased him one way of the other. I think he is now just starting to realize papa is not coming back. You also need to prepare yourself for when they ask where they are ...because it's still really hard to hold it together when he ask.. take care

Hi A.,

Is your mother able to talk or is she sedated most of the time? If she is still able to talk, I would let your daughter call her, it may be soothing to your mom as well.
My father passed away in 2000, my oldest son was little then. 1st, it is OK to allow your daughter to see you grieve, if she watched you supress your feelings, that is what she will learn to do.
2nd- when my dad passed away, my son thought that meant that his dad was going to pass away too. Well, I had the hardest time explaining to my little guy that his daddy was ok, that god had plans for my dad and that he was very sick. He did not know my dad very well because my dad and I were not close, but he still watched me weep everyday over the loss, so my loss became his loss.
I guess what Im trying to say, (and its not coming out very well!) I dont think there is ANY easy way to tell your little baby girl that her mamaw is passing or has passed. Just do the best you can do for now, the right words will come to you when the time is right. She can sense something is wrong because she is watching you. It just comes from the amazing bond we have with our kids, but you WILL find enough strength and courage and the right words to explain this sad loss to her. Dont forget to take care of yourself too. God bless, may peace be with you and you family.

when that time gets here explain to your daughter that her mawma is in a better place and that shes still going to be there for her just cant see her and remembering all the things they did together im sure she will feel alot better if you talk with her .and let her know that shes watching over her i hope that helps you alittle bit.

Hello.. I had to explain death to my children. 2 yrs ago, my nephew died from suicide. My children were close to my nephew, especially my daughter. We lived close by to him most of her life (on the same street). I did not take my children to the calling hours, or to the funeral but I did take them to the dinner after the funeral, to be with the family. I did not tell my children how he died (just recently did my children pursue the question how ?? I told them he was very sick.) But I told my children that he went to heaven. I explained that heaven is in the sky. They have asked me questions can I go see him, can we get a plane to see him ? I tell them no. I answer them child appropriately. I dont give them too much information, This was hard for me, because how do you explain that someone took thier own life. So I just choose not to. Sometimes they would forget, they would ask my sister in law(my nephews mom), where he was.. or if he was at work. I felt bad that they would go to her about that, she said she would rather answer the question of an innocent child then that of an ignorant adult. I know its hard, that was the first death my children had that was close to them. My father in law had passed right before my oldest child was born, my children know they have a grandpa in heaven with thier cousin, as well as my grandma. The older they get, the more questions they will ask. My heart goes out to you, I hope you find strength in all of this. Good Luck to you.

Hello A.,
The pain that you must be going throgh right now is one of the hardest parts of life.
Our daughters are the same age. Mine will be 3 April 17.
We have lost three members of our family since last April. My husband dad died 4 days after our daughter turned two.
My husband lost a brother back in Sepetember. That one we had to explain things to her. She was close to him, and we knew she would ask questions about him and she did.
He had been sick, so when she asked where he was we told her that he was really sick and couln't talk. Then when he passed away, he told her that he went to a very special place where he would feel better. The sad part was were wouldn't be able to see him again. We did end up telling her about heaven. She know a little bit about it because of church and all. She knows that he is someplace happy and feeling better and someday a very long time from now we can all see him again. That was done back around Christmas and every once in awhile she will tell us he is up there and points to the sky.
On March 5, 2007 my husband's step-mom passed away. We todl her she went to the same place as her grandpa's and uncle Bud. When she seen her step-grandma she said good-bye grandma see you in a very very long time.
She now points to the sky and says that everyone is up there getting better.
It works for now, but i know someday I will have to revist this issue. Just try to explain it the best you can.
If you feel a total loss with this. I would call a close friend or someone who has been throguh this and ask them how they would handle the sitution.
If you have a hsband have him be with you when you try to explain this, or maybe he can do it while you sit there if your going to get over emotional about it. That I find is what scares them the most.
I will pray that you find in peace in this time. I will also pray that you find the right words for your daughter.

Hi A.;

I wanted to give you my thoughts and prayers because you are going through such a difficult time right now. My daughter, who is now 6 1/2, and my son, who is 3 1/2, lost their grandfather unexpectedly 3 yrs ago. It was my father and as stated, very unexpected. My daughter at the time was 3 and my son was only 6 mths old when this happened. My father lived in KY and my family lived her in OH and weren't able to see him as much as we would like to because of our financial situation at that time. Like your mother, my father too was an alcoholic. He was in a bad car accident and fortunately, he was NOT drinking because had been sober for about a yr and plus the tests from his autopsy did not show any signs of alcohol in his system. My father and I had a really rough relationship because him and my mother divorced when I was young and I still kept in touch with her and my father did not like that. But when he passed away, we were making amends and were becoming close. My daughter was able to spend time with her Pappaw but my father never got to see his grandson, my son. When it came time for me to leave and go to the funeral (my husband and children were unable to go because we had no money and we had to borrow the money from my stepfather to pay for my plane ticket to KY) my husband and I took my daughter aside and tried to explain to her the best we could about her Pappaw passing away. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but please do not take this the wrong way. My daughter knew that there was a Heaven, a God, Jesus and angels. We told her that the angels, God and Jesus wanted her Pappaw to come up and play with them. When we said that, she stated that she wanted to go too. We told her that the place that Pappaw was going to play was for people that will not come back. For some odd reason, she understood that. The story I'm about to tell you will probably better explain what I'm saying when I say, tell your daughter the truth but in a way that a child will understand. A few days after I came back from the funeral, we had a few days of rain out here. On one of the days, the sun broke through the clouds and it became a little bit clear for a few brief moments. I had just picked up my daughter from the sitter and we were on our way home when my daughter started laughing uncontrollable from the backseat. I asked her what she was laughing about and she just happened to say "Pappaw's here". I pulled into our driveway at home and took her out of her carseat when we both noticed a double rainbow. My daughter started laughing and running around in circles and was saying "Pappaw's here! Pappaw's here!" and was pointing at the rainbow. My husband and I both had to pick up our mouths because we really couldn't believe what we were hearing!!! My daughter stood in our driveway and was waving saying "Bye Bye Pappaw!!!" and the rainbow disappeared!! Still to this day, whenever my daughter sees a rainbow, she says Pappaw sent that to us and she's 6!!! My son has only seen pictures of my father but he knows who he is, not only through myself and my husband and other relatives but also my daughter. I hope this helps you and eases the stress in trying to explain this situation to your daughter. Try to get your daughter to go and see her Mammaw or try to call her. Both Mammaw and your daughter need to see each other before she passes away, whatever the circumstances are, you should try to go and see her.

Hello, I went though this with my son back in 93 he was almost 2. It was my other son who I lost at the time. I told my son that his brother went to be with God. I am not sure what religion you come from but if you beleive in God then let the child know thats where grandma went. If this is not your religion then I am not sure what to tell you. But after little while the child may not ask about Mamaw. My son does not even recall the brother and does not ask about him and he is 14 now.
Sorry to hear about your lose. It is tough. the best thing I can tell you is take day by day. And if a friend offers help take it. Most people say no thats ok but really take the help they offer it helps alot for you to get things done cause your mind is somewhere else right now.
I wish you all the best.
D.