Explaining Death of Grandparent to 3 1/2 Year-old

This August I had to tell my 3 1/2 year old that one of his twin brothers had suddenly passed. I got alot of advise from the hospital staff before we went home, and it is very important to say that "Grandma died today" Dont say, gone, left or is sleeping. And give your child the option to see her at the funeral, before the crowd arrives, and have a back up plan if they are ready to leave. It is important to talk to them as if you are speaking to another adult, and not sugar coat any words. Then ask them if they have any questions..even a week or two later. And most important of all try to keep your regular schedule. There are a lot of wonderful books at the bookstore for children about death. "I wish I could hold your hand" by Dr. Pat Palmer is was helpful, it talks about the loss of every living thing in a gentle way.

My father died from cancer in September. My grandchildren are ages 2-5 and we explained that Papa wasn't really sick. He had a disease which was very bad. If you use the words sick and died they could be afraid that if they get sick they could die from it. My 3 yr old grandson was very upset over the whole thing and sat with me for the service patting my hand the whole time while I cuddled him. A couple weeks later one of my cats unexpectedly died and it started the whole conversation over again about death and what happens.

My advice would be to be honest and open. Listen to what your little one is asking you and answer as best as you can. It's ok to say I don't know. It's ok to cry. It's ok to be sad. Be prepared to talk about it for quite a while as additional questions come up weeks after.

Hugs to you and your family as you go through this difficult time.

S.,

I am sorry about your family's pain and am amazed at your courage.

My grandfather passed away last August and we had to explain the death to my 4 year old cousin who was extremely close to him.

We told her that Grandpa was in a lot of pain, and thats why God had to call him. Grandpa has now become a star and is close to God. We explained that it is ok to miss him, and its ok to cry. But if she ever needed to speak to him- tell him how she was feeling or wanted to tell him what she did in school, she should look outside the sky and talk to the star- Grandpa is listening even though he can't talk back to her.

That has given her some reassurance- and every now and then she looks out of the window and talks to the stars. SHe still misses him alot- shes the youngest member of our family- he was the oldest and they had a very special bond... I think his death has been the hardest on her..

The key is to talk to your child- ask him- are you missing Grandma, do you want her to come back, etc. Let him express his pain. Don't make death a taboo, its hard enough for kids to understand their feelings, without adults confusing them further that nothing has happened. Whatever you do, make sure he understands this is a permanent thing and that she will not come back... Over a period of time, as he grows older, he will understand better.

Kids are alot smarter than we think and alot more expressive if given the opportunity.

Hang in there.

When my father passed away after a long battle with cancer, I had to tell my 4 1/2 and 3 year old daughters. I told them that Grandpa had died. AFter looking at my little one's face, I then asked if they knew what "died" meant. My big girl did because a school pet had died that year. My little girl shook her head. I said, "It means we can't hear Grandpa's voice or see him or go places with him but we can still feel him in our hearts." My 4 year old added, "And also it means he's not alive." I told him that I was very, very sad and so was Grandma and listed some other people. I told them it was ok if they felt sad and let them ask questions. Some good books are "I Miss You" and "Badgers Parting Gifts."

The general philosphy is to be as honest as you can be and not overload them with information. Also, use clear language -- never "Grandma went away" or "went to sleep" or any of those euphemisms which could really scare him. Less is more -- let him direct them conversatoin. And remember he will continue to process it. For months and months, my little one would bring out the books and announce that Grandpa had died. She was clearly working on it.

If your son is in school, I recommend talking to the Director about it; mine was extremely helpful... actually buying me the books, gathering articles for me to read, mobilizing the community to support us, and being prepared for anything that might arise in school (nothing did but still). I'm happy to talk off line if you like. This is really hard. I wish you healing...

Dear S.,
I'm so sorry for your situation. It must be very difficult for all of you. May Our Lord bless and keep your Mother-in-law very specially now and always. When my sons were five and three, (in'95) my maternal grandmother died seven months after our last visit with her. (She lived out of state, so we didn't get to see her often.) When I got the phone call of her death, I told my husband the sad news and then went to my sons who were playing with playdough at the kitchen table. I sat down with them and said: "Do you remember how we visited with Grandma Shaw at Mimi and Poppa's house?" They both said yes, they remembered visiting with Grandma Shaw. I said: "Well, she died today and she went to Heaven to be with Jesus. We won't get to visit with her any more, like we did before, but we still love her and she still loves us." My five year old son Cooper asked me: "Well..... did she have a husband?" This made me smile and I responded: "Yes, she did have a husband, but he died when I was 13 years old." Cooper took a solid 60 seconds to think about this information and I could almost see the wheels turning in his brain. Then this precious little five year old child of mine, with such sympathy in his little voice said: "Ohhhhhhhh....... the poor lady had to live for so long without her husband!" I stared at him, with my mouth opened..... (he did the math in his head! 'Well, if Momma was 13 when Grandma's husband died, then that was a very long time ago!') What an amazing thing for a wee one to say! Astonished by Cooper's words, I looked over at my three-year-old son Connor, who looked at me and simply nodded his head in agreement with his big brother with a serious look on his face! It was a moment that I was dreading having to share with my kids,(having to tell them of Grandma's death) but it turned out to be one of my favorite memories and I know my Grandmother would have gotten a kick out of Cooper's response! I guess I would just keep it simple, in kid terms and just see what progresses from there. Kids are great. After Cooper made that profound statement, I thought: "Who ARE you?!" LOL! He's always been such a wonderful old soul. My kids were taught that Heaven is a matter-of-fact place and they accepted that Grandma was there and happy. Good luck to all of you S..
Love, D. N. xo

I think to simply tell him Grandma has to go away now and we won't be able to see her again but she loves you anyway.

It's hard to explain death to anyone, least of all children.
Just let him see her and hug her as much as he can before she goes.

i'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you and your family well.