Expectations

Hi V.,

I understand your fears and doubts but having "maternal instincts" doesn't mean giving up your life; it means realizing that part of you; all be it a big part; is a mom and doing what you can to raise a smart, happy and loved daughter. I know it can be stressfull. I used to be a stock trader before a mom and I look back on those days; the expensive dinners, nights of cocktails, wonderful trips to different cities, and I miss it. At times I miss it a lot. But then I also look at my daughter and realize that in order to do that all again I'd have to give up helping her to grow and learn and love. I could never devote the 17 hours a day I used to BUT I can still meet my trader friends for the occassional drink, I go to the convention here in Chicago every year and see people and I still keep up with the business via paper and news.

Bottom line: in order to be the person I USED to be, who I really used to be I'd have to not be a mom and I love my daughter too much to give her up. If you have an 8 year old girl I doubt you're making plans to give her up.

If I may be so bold V., you sound like you may be a bit depressed which is truly understandable from a mom point of you, especially a single mom; you've got the world on your shoulders. Sometimes friends and family can be the place to turn to for support, sometimes we feel they too have expectations for us and we aren't so comfortable talking about our fears and hurts but I suggest you talk to someone. There is no shame to it and taking that one hour to just talk to someone about YOU, YOU, YOU will go a long way toward making you remember and get in touch with the person you are now, not the person you used to be.

If I can be of any help, please let me know.

Good luck to you,
L.

I'm a first time to a 3 year old son. I sometimes find myself centered only on my son's needs, but that makes for an unhappy mommie. I find time just for me and enjoy being just K. not ron's mother or ron's wife. You have to just make the time and just do it. Explain to your daughter that mommie needs to be V. and it has nothing to do with her or how much i love you.
K.

There is no "transformation" to make, you are still the person you used to be. Just sometimes we get all this "model mom" stuff piled on top of who we really are and it can bury your true personality pretty deep. At first I followed what the books, talk shows, and magazines said was what it took to be a good mom. I tried to be a soft-spoken, patient, always high-spirited, and always creative SuperMom. It took me a while to let it all go and just be myself, just with the added aspects of being a parent. So what if I'm loud-mouthed sometimes, it's ok to be cranky every once in a while, and it won't end civilization as we know it if I can't always rediscover the endless possibilities of contruction paper and pipe cleaners.
I feel like a much better mother now, because my daughter is getting to know me as the person I truly am, not some child-proofed version of me dictated by the likes of Parents Magazine. She is happy because I am happy and is still a "Mommy's Girl" regardless of being exposed to my (gasp!) flaws. As long as I honestly put my best foot forward with her, I have no regrets about hiding the cookie cutters.

Hi V.,
I'm a mom of a 3 year old boy. Believe me, we'll never be the same people again. Every once in awhile, I feel like I did before I had a child ... just for a few moments. And this is when I realize how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. But there is a part of us they we don't want to lose, and that we really shouldn't lose. Bottom Line: You need to get out, girl!! Try to find a babysitter or a relative to help so you can get out.
Diana

Absolutely, there is room to be an individual and a mom without sacrificing either. The trick is to not try to get back to being the person you used to be, but to be a more improved version. Believe it or not, your child can teach you to be a better version of yourself. But it's important to teach her how to take care of herself by taking care of you. Focus on something you like - manicures/pedicures, or going out for coffee, taking an uninterrupted hour to read, anything. The lesson you teach is that You are your most important thing. And sometimes, it's ok to be selfish. No one tells you that (like it's a big, bad secret). Selfish on a small scale makes it easier to be self-less on the large.

I hope this helps.