Everything Is a Battle with My Two Yer Old, What Did You Do?

I know it's not how everyone does it and certain people have thier own feelings about it. So take it or leave it, to us it's "to each his own."
If I ask something to be done and it doesn't get done, 1st time, you get a spanking. 2nd time you'll get 2 spankings and so on. Also as they get older, my sons is 12, he gets something taken away after the 2nd time of asking.
Right now it's a battle of the wills. He's testing his grounds and trying to see what he has control over. I've heard some parents giving choices, you can have a or b for lunch. You can wear this outfit or this one. But nothing more. I do give my daughter at 4 a choice of what to wear but when I say it's time to...it gets done.

I hate to tell, but this isn't going away any time soon. It will, however, get easier. Two year olds do need a little decision-making power to avoid the battle of the wills.

One thing I implemented that made life so much easier, was to avoid any negotiation by giving some choices right up front, eliminate "okay" from the end of my sentences (we aren't really asking for permission, right?), and use distraction and misdirection. Of course, some things are non-negotiable (like the car seat).

A couple of examples:
Either have him pick an outfit the night before...right down to socks and shoes. Or present him with two options. I don't even say anything like "time to get dressed"...just "do you want to wear this or this?" If there is any dawdling or tantrum...there is a time out and mommy chooses.

My almost three year old has decided that she doesn't want to wash her hands after going to the toilet. Since she already knows that it is the rules, rather than fight about it, I just ask if she wants the pink soap or the purple soap. It works almost every time.

In the car, should a melt-down occur, I start a little misdirection playing. If she is screaming that she wants a cookie (something she rarely gets anyway)...I start giving her silly choices. Like, do you want a big cookie or a little cookie. Is is pink or chartreuse? Does it have strips or polk-dots? Are the polk-dots big or small? Is it on a plate or a napkin? Is the plate on the table or the floor? And before you know it, the cookie is forgotten. The tantrum is over and both of us survive the commute home with a lot less stress.

This is a big time of adjustment, but it is also a time to really reinforce good behaviors and expectations. We have rules, such as a cup of water has to be finished between every cup of milk or juice. Less "nutritious" snacks are only available after naptime in the afternoon. But, otherwise, I don't make a big deal about what she eats. There have been days when all she eats is yogurt or bananas!

Sometimes, if there is initial resistance I just walk away for a few minutes and then come back to finish whatever it was that needed to happen. It is usually just them testing a bit. The less reaction, the better.

Redirection and choices work great with two year olds. One of our old tricks was to make every thing a race. "I wonder how fast you can put on your shirt? your pants?"
"I wonder if you can put your socks on before I walk into your room?"

Hide and seek was also a good way to get our child to do things. "I hid your pants in the living room. I wonder if you can find them and put them on."

"Can you find your red shirt in the basket of clothes? Can you find the socks with the trucks?"

My kids aren't this age yet, so I have no experience. But a battle of wills with your children sounds awful. Maybe he's in a period where he wants to feel independent. Could you give him choices, like "Do you want to get dressed before or after you brush your teeth?" Or ask him to come with you and pick out some clothes for the day? If possible schedule-wise, maybe you could ask "Do you want to go now or do you want to play for 20 minutes and then go?" I don't know if this will help, but I know a lot of moms who always give choices (2 good choices) so the kid picks something. Not that you want to spoil your kid, or make him think he doesn't have to behave, but maybe he just needs a sense that he has some control over his life.

few months later everything will be better..

Dont you just love two year olds!! LOL I think your doing just fine, when he is ready and sick of doing nothing he will get dressed. I remember these days with my son. One thing I used to do is take them out in their pjs. I remember having my son in sweat pants and slippers that were like shoes. I did let him pick out his clothes for fun, made a game out it. If I know I had an appointment I would make sure to start early with picking of the clothes. We brushed our teeth at the same time....to make it a fun thing. Because really a two year old is all about fun and THINKING they some control. As far as him yelling NO in your face, mmmmmmmm dont do that to him either,LOL. Change your wording to Pleae do not do that, look in his face and change your tone. So now if he yells NO in your face and you want him to stop....give a tickle and say YES. If he had a tantrum well I would let him have it, then wait extra time to do the fun things. Discipline is important and should be age appropriate. And don't worry this stage will pass and you will be asking what to do next, just like I did. I wish you luck!

D.

Such a difficult phase, I sympathize with you! Both my daughters have gone through this (and one still is - she's just over 2). I've had great luck getting her dressed as soon as she gets up. I change her diaper and do the pants switcheroo. She'll fuss about taking off her pajama shirt and I'll tell her it's dirty and she can't wear it. That usually works. BUT most days I get her dressed only to have her take her clothes off again. It can get very frustrating.

A few ideas - sometimes we play the 'how fast can we get dressed' game, but most days I get upset and tell her she has to come get dressed and if she doesn't I'll tell her to let me know when she's ready to get dressed and I'll get up and walk away. She usually falls to the floor crying - because she's receiving no attention for her behavior. This pattern sometimes goes on a few times (me walking away because she thinks it's a game). But she'll finally give in and come over to me and get dressed. This is a long process so I always build in some time in the morning - 1/2 hr or so. It depends on how stubborn they are, and your little boy sounds like he can go for a while!

Good luck!! I hope you find something that works. Try not to get too upset by it, it is very typical 2 yr old behavior and they will outgrow it (somewhat!).

I just had a rough patch with my daughter (she was sick). I highly recommend -Discipline without Distress-. It's a great book.

What I did with my daughter was to just make it clear I wasn't going to talk to her unless she used her normal voice. So, when she started up, I would just tell her "when you want to talk to me in your normal voice, I will listen. Let me know when you are ready." I would then leave the room and busy myself with something.

Also, give him choices. If he starts to fight you, just say," when you are ready to get dressed, let me know." And then leave the room.

The lack of negative attention will upset him and he should start cooperating. It sounds like you guys have locked horns, and he is feeding off the negative attention. So, you need to stop giving him negative attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And then praise, praise, praise when he is being good. But you've got to stop fighting with him. Just leave him in his room.

Whatever you do, don't show emotion. I try really hard to just be a robot, friendly and stern, but no emotion. I do tell her, "sweatheart, you are upsetting mommy," but I don't raise my voice or show her I'm upset --that just inspires her to fight back more.

I agree with Lisa 3 is much harder! Offer choices whenever possible. Change him out of his clothes when you change his diaper in the morning let him stay in his pjs is only going to make it that much harder to convience him to change. When Evan was in this stage I didn't say lets get dressed I would say you need your diaper changed, lay him down change it and his clothes. If you ask the answer will always be "no" You need to be firm and consistent. Sure there are days when you will have no choice but wrestle a screaming child because you have an appointment but there is no need to wrestle for grocery shopping or a fun activity. Grocery shopping can wait and fun activity can be cancelled and done on a day when your little guy behaves. Having a battle with him and then going to do something fun will not teach him anything other then that he can get his way.

Seems like a lot of responses here tell you to get control over your kid so he won't control you. It will be a long next year or 2 if you make it all about who has more control. At that age they are just figuring out that they have some control and are trying to exert it so it's best if you make it less about that and find a way to get a bit more cooperation.

Real choices are good. So offering get dressed or have time out is not actually a choice, for ex. Red shirt or blue shirt? Or asking him to help you can change the dynamic. "Can you help me pick out an outfit?" Sometimes it is a matter of trying different things. And if he's tired or hungry it is likely to make it all worse.

I've found that sometimes asking or telling that it's time to x, is the wrong approach and sets off the control battle. Last week, for ex, I wanted DD to put on her coat so we could leave somewhere. We went back and forth, that didn't work. Finally I just walked over to her and held out her sleeve. She put her arm in bc that is what she is used to doing, end of discussion. When she rejects getting dressed I do something similar. If she's playing and doesn't want to stop, I just calmly start doing it. I pull off one arm of her shirt, then she cooperates with the rest of the shirt, I put the shirt on, half done. Obviously she needs to comply with getting up and getting a diaper change, but once she's half dressed, it's like the gears have been switched from what she was doing to getting dressed and then she complies.

If it's one of those mornings when she runs away or whatever, I make it into a game and get it done that way.

I think it also works better when we don't get angry. That day he waited 4 hours to cave he knew he was controlling the situation, you were angry and he was pushing your buttons. If you can control yourself and be very non-confrontational about the fact that this is going to happen, but if he fights you, it will just delay the inevitable, not change anything and not annoy you, then the struggles will lessen. Whatever you can do to try not to engage helps. If he is yelling No in your face, there is the opportunity for engagement. I don't ignore my kid in a punitive way but if you disengage and do your own thing until they can be polite then generally they will come around.

Reminding him of the bad day is not helpful at that age I don't think. Neither is it helpful to threaten future activities. They just don't make those connections. I think it may be helpful for you to change your way of thinking about it so it's not about giving in and getting your or his way. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" may be a helpful book for you. It's good for all ages.

When my kids went through that stage I found opportunities to give choices. Do you want to wear this outfit or this one? Would you like an orange or a banana for snack? Even when potty training, my daughter would throw fits first thing in the morning, so I would say do you want to go potty now (upon waking) or immediately after breakfast? It eliminated the battles and she was good about sticking to her decision.

I would try hard to keep an even temperment. It is really hard, but if they see they aren't dictating your mood then they often lose some of their incentive to continue.

I also found for my kids that the time to change their clothes was first thing in the morning when changing their diapers. If I changed diapers then let them play before changing clothes I was in for a fight.

Distracting them with talking or singing also helped. As I prepared to dress them I would start singing a favorite song, discuss theplans for the day, etc.

Being consistent with the rules you establish as well as the consequences and rewards also goes a long way to helping with behavior issues.

As my kids got a little older, they also responded well to countdowns. In 10 minutes playtime will end and we will put on coats to go outside. I would continue the countdown at 5 minutes, 2 minutes and then the time to take action. Might not work on a 2 year old, but I started it when my kids were 3 and 4. Just something to keep in mind.

Good luck in finding a technique that works for you and you child. The 2's were hard but I actually thought the 3's were harder. So getting a few tricks under your belt now is a good idea. My kids are now 4 and 5, but the techniques we put in place a few years ago are still part of our behavior system today.

my son went through this, it was the worst right around his third birthday, which is in the fall. i took him to a pumpkin patch and he was HORRIBLE. i had never been so embarrassed by my child. i quit taking him out in public for awhile. went back to square 1 with discipline. you back talk, time out. you fight me getting dressed, time out. you ask to go to time out to avoid brushing your teeth, then you get a swat. i feel like freedoms have to be earned, and my son lost his privleges. i truly feel there is a time and place where timeouts become ineffective. also, you can't really time out when you're trying to get somewhere in time and he's being openly defiant and you're going to be late. i started us on a morning routine that he HATED at first: no tv, no snack or milk (the sitter feeds him breakfast every day), no computer games, no toys, until he did his chores, which were; brush teeth, get dressed, go potty, and feed our fish. i didn't force him to do them, and i didn't dictate what order they had to be done, but i made a little chart with pictures and he had to get a check next to each one before he could do anything fun. i basically became nazi mom and laid down the law. we went through a couple VERY rough mornigs.

just remember - you are still bigger and stronger. if you don't get control now, how are you going to do it when he is as big as you and twice as strong?? i don't feel we have a choice but to put our foot down. and fyi, now some time has passed and he is an angel again. we still stick to the routine, and there may be one day out of a week or two that he has to have time out, but once that authority was re-established, i lightened up a bit and we went back to having a respectful, loving, FUN relationship. he just has to do as he's told.

Have you tried giving more choices. Not just around dressy but other things as well. I generally pick out 2 tops that are weather appropriate for the day and give my daughter a choice. Then there is really no discussion, the pants go with the outfit so she doesn't get a choice on that. But it definitely helps. I also have taught her how to dress herself. She can put on her socks, pants and shoes by herself. She doesn't put on her top herself but it gives her the opportunity to feel like she is doing the task. It does take longer but there is no battle.

I find sometimes the battles are over things they want to do themselves even if they can't express that to you yet. I've taught my daughter how to put her coat on herself. You put it on the floor laying out, have the child stand at the hood/neck of the jacket. They bend over put their hands/arms into the arms of the jacket and pick it up putting it over their heads as their arms slide into the sleeves. The jacket is on and she is excited.

Hope this helps,
L.

I think you are spending a lot of time and energy fighting a very small battle. My daughter at 2 also hated getting dressed - she wanted to stay in her "ja-mamas" (pajamas) all day. What worked for me was buying a bunch of long sleeved soft cotton shirts and a bunch of sweatpant-like pants. I would put her to bed in these - they were clothes that felt like pajamas. When she woke up, she was already dressed. It worked like magic.

Hating to get dressed is a common issue for 2 year olds. I would try some creative ways of getting your child dressed, rather than pick this battle to fight. Good luck.

T. Y
SAHM of 4 (9yrs, 7yrs, 2 yrs, and 3 months)

I think it's important not to go to every fight you're invited to. Don't engage in the yelling, of course, or even the reasoning, and don't respond about why he has to get dressed, because I don't think 2 year olds get that. I agree with giving choices of 2 items, but don't expect too much at this age. Also, I don't see why you can't take him out in his pajamas to go to the doctor or the store, assuming they aren't wet and that they are warm enough. If they have "feet" on them then of course you may have trouble with shoes, but boots might work. I found that my pedi would say things like, "I see you didn't want to wear clothes today" and it would make my son see his behavior from another perspective, not just from mine. I wouldn't take him anyplace fun, but you can certainly do essential errands. When he wants to go to the park or whatever, just say very calmly and matter-of-factly, "No, you can't go there because you aren't dressed for play." Or something similar. Your attitude has to be that he chose to be obstinate and so he's stuck with the consequences. You can also wrestle him into the clothes, but that gets harder as they get bigger and older. I think you are on the right track if the 4 hours is down to a half hour, so he's getting the message. Just try to stay "business-like" about it. Some years ago I was in a workshop led by a teacher on how to deal with this type of behavior - it also applied to 9 year olds who didn't want to wear their gloves out at recess, then would get cold and ask to go in to get them so they could play ball or whatever. The teacher just said "How unfortunate for you. I have MY gloves, and my hands are nice and warm. " That "How unfortunate for you" has stuck in my mind ever since - I always make it about the kid's resulting problems and not about how irritated I am. Keeps me calmer, works faster to change the behavior.

Good luck. By the time you get this figured out, he'll have developed something else to drive you crazy! Goes with the territory.