Etiquette Question for Graduation

If you invite people to a meal, you pay for all. If she wants them to bring the children, then the children are also included in the luncheon afterwards. There simply is no polite or even acceptable way to say "please bring the kids, but I won't pay for them."

I'm with the concensus, it's all or nothing, anything else would be rude. She either needs to do an "adults only" thing, or something at home that she can manage financially. A casual potluck, perhaps, she could provide the meat and everyone else could bring the side dishes.

Too bad someone else didn't throw her a party, then the cost would be on them.

There are two sides to this. I'll play the advocate, if you don't mind.

Sure, sure, all or nothing. She shouldn't pay for some and not others.

HOWever, as her friends, shouldn't YOU be treating her after her accomplishment? Perhaps no one offered to throw her a celebration and she feels (probably rightfully so) that she ought to have a small one...shame on you all. I imagine she'll have loans and everything else involved, and wouldn't it have been nice for her friends (and family) to do something in her honor.

I think it was a well intended gesture, just not a well thought out one. Either lunch is payed for, for everyone or no one.

Get a hoagie tray and have it at someone's home.

Yep, you invite, you pay. Period. That would be the rule no matter what the event; the fact it's a graduation lunch does not matter.

Also, she is basically throwing herself a party but asking some of the guests to pay for themselves. Again, not good form at all.

She also is going to have issues if she invites some and not all. And some adults are not goinng to come if the kids can't come, just because the adults won't have babysitting, etc.

I would just rethink the entire idea. She could ditch the idea of a luncheon and instead have everyone to her home for finger foods and drinks -- but not potluck, please. It's on her. Or she could work with a restaurant to get a buffet-style serving of specific foods -- often that is cheaper than letting each person order for himself off the menu. But whatever she does it really is on her.

That is very generous of her to want to host family and friends to a lunch to celebrate her accomplishment. Does she have a relative or friend who would host it on her behalf or split the cost with her? Another suggestion would be to change the venue to something that would cost less so she would not be limited to the number of people she could invite? Also, might some of the people attending give her a cash gift that she could use to pay for lunch. Congrats to your friend for earning her MBA!

Why is she paying for the lunch anyway? Shouldn't everyone else split the bill, and she does not pay since she is the guest of honor?

What we've done is that if our intentions is to pay for everyone, we pay for everyone. That means we may feed people in a different manner or at a cheaper restaurant. It would be rude to say "we'll pay for adults but not kids". Better to just not pay or pay for all.

On the side note, it's perfectly okay for people to assume they will pay but end up asking for just, say, $10 after the dinner and brush off the rest of it or accept what is offered and pay for the rest. This means you have to be prepared to pay all of it though.

In the end, live within your means. Don't have her pay just to make appearances. I know she wants to be nice but no good family member would ever want to put another person off budget knowingly. If I knew my lunch really hurt someone's wallet I would feel awful after and almost mad that I'd be put in that place. Overall, you want this to be an enjoyable experience.

I go out for celebrations and other things with coworkers/family/friends. I've always been prepared to pay my meal even if it appeared to be paid for by the department/family/friend.

My suggestion would be to do a cake/punch/sandwiches at a home or clubhouse.

That way it is more informal and would keep the cost down plus she can interact with the children she wants to inspire even more

The way I see it you do it 3 different ways:

You ask others to meet you for dinner and everyone pays their own way.

You invite only those you can pay for.

You have a gathering at someones house and that way food would be cheaper and more manageable to invite all.

Everyone or no one. It's rude. Perhaps, she could save money by choosing another venue or doing at her home, or another home.

Your friend should have a more casual event that she can afford. If she can't afford lunch at a restaurant then maybe a catered lunch in a friend's backyard. While I understand she wants everyone to see this great accomplishment and be motivated - a ceremony and a lunch out aren't going to do it. Motivation will be when she is working in a killer job in the career of her choice and she has the nieces and nephews over to her place and takes them out on the town & spends time with them.

Congratulations to her first of all. I finished mine last August and it was a challenge to say the least, while working full-time and raising 3 kids. Thank God for everyone in my life being so supportive :).

But I agree, it's an all or nothing thing. Maybe a restaurant will give her a break if it's a large group and they only order from a selected menu? Or maybe she looks at another option. Why not have a potluck at her place? Or someone else's place or a rented venue?

Marda does have a good idea, can someone co-host this party? However, if not.. then she should not incur any debt just to have the kids there...
Couple things.. she could look into a SET menu (this would def help to keep costs down) OR hold the party at her house with the kids and later on, go to a restaurant with just a small group of friends..

I would say mention to invite them all out to eat but not offer to pay for anyones. If anything she should have someone pay for hers. Thisis her special day.

I also suggest that someone co-host the party with her and share in the cost so that everyone is paid for.

Here where we live.. Not many people can afford to pay to take a group of people out for dinner and pay for everyone. I do not think we could go out with friends if this was expected.. We would have missed out on a lot of great times.

We just tend to pay for ourselves and our own families. Or we automatically offer to all go "dutch".. This way people can order what they want and drink what they want to drink.. etc..

In this case. I bet there would be a discussion about "who would have the honor of purchasing this "Graduates" meal ticket."

I guess we are more laid back here..

To word the invitation it could be I will be at such and such restaurant. I will provide appetizers and wine.. then if anyone wants to order a meal, they can purchase it..

Yes, it is rude imho. Make it "adults only" or have the luncheon at a location where she can reasonably afford every attendee's presence.

I think she should just say something like this.

"I'd love the change to sit down after graduation and spend some time with everyone for a while. I am going to go to XXXXX restaurant afterwards and I do hope you and your family will select XXXXX too.

The menu is varied and the prices are usually between $X.xx and $XX.xx. They also have a good kids menu too.

I would really enjoy time to just sit and catch up in a casual way so let's hang out for a couple of hours after all the "Pomp and Circumstance".

This lets them know she's planning on eating after the ceremony, it gives them a time line to plan for, it allows them to decide to wait and eat at her choice of restaurants and about how much it "might" cost, and it gives them some reasons to go other than filling their tummies.

Call the restaurant and put together a menu for the group. This will make the cost more manageable for her. It is pretty awkward to offer to pay for some and not others.

Why don't you suggest to your friend to buy a 3 ft. Subway sandwich it's not that much if she buys 2 or three she can feed everyone, everybody that she wants to be there for her graduation will be there and then she could have her nice lunch in a nice restaurant with her immediate family. I hope this help.

Can you and some of her other friends chip in to pay for the lunch as a gift to her?

There is no polite way to say you'll only pay for some attendees.