Etiquette on Rsvping

I say shoot her an email saying that you notices that she was missing and how you wished she was there and just ask why she couldn't make it. Don't mention the lack of RSVPing.

I suppose sending an email saying, "I was disappointed not to see you at my party on such-and-such, I hope everything is okay." See if you get a response....

RSVP is so tricky! I'm a little anal about it b/c I've been in your husband's shoes (paid a caterer and then several people didn't show)... however most people simply forget, especially with "regrets only". If they know they can't go, people will call immediately. If they're not sure, they hold off and forget. It happens.

You could certainly call her and just say "I was so sorry that you didn't make it to the party last weekend! It was a blast and you were missed" and then just see what she says. Don't mention the RSVP issue b/c there's nothing you can do about it now. You really never know- something could have come up at the last minute... or they forgot.

There's a part of me that thinks, well- rude but not the end of the world especially if you're not close anymore. Truthfully, I don't think you are "owed" an answer, but it may be worth a phone call to check-in and see how she is.

There's really nothing "tricky" about RSVP. People need to take 5 seconds to let the host know they're coming (or not)! It's what separates us from the animals, after all.
I don't think there's a tactful way you can ask.
Maybe give her a buzz, chat and if it comes up, say "Aw I missed you..I wish you could have been there, it was fun" once you KNOW she received it. If she got it and didn't RSVP, that was just rude.
Only YOU know your friend. If you are really alarmed that she might be ill--call.

Maybe just ask her if she didn't get the invite? Just like "you didn't RSVP, so I wanted to make sure that it made it to you". See if she offers an explanation.

I think you should let it go. If you speak with her and mention "so sorry you couldn't make it to the party, I would have loved to have seen you" then that is ok.

The problem with "regrets only" is you don't know if they received the invite, if they plan to come or just didn't remember to RSVP. Your husband choose to pay for non-responses...that is not her fault. Is it rude to not rsvp, yes it sure is. Just like when people don't RSVP and assume you know they are or aren't coming with no indication of their intention.

Best bet is to ask for RSVPs and then call those who haven't replied.

I would just call her and see how she is doing--say something like-- Oh, i was so sad you weren't at the party last week-what happened? My hubby thought you were coming and when you didn't, people worried---just want to make sure your ok-Or something like that. She will at least have to take some accountability for her not attending.

M

First, I need to get this off my chest. RSVP and regrets only are not the same thing! RSVP is short for répondez s'il vous plaît, meaning please respond (and let us know if you're coming or not). Regrets only means the hosts assume you are attending unless you contact them and tell them you are not. This has been an especially sore point for me since I had a birthday party for my 6 year old (with RSVP on the invitation), invited 11 kids, 4 responded, and three showed up. I had a lot of extra everything since most parents never responded and I had to assume they were coming. Grrrr!

As for your friend, your husband probably should have contacted her before the party to see if she was planning to attend. At this point, I would probably send a "how are you" e-mail and just briefly mention something about the party and that you missed seeing her there. How and if she responds to that is up to her. After that, I'd let it go.

I think your husband made the error here - you can't do "regrets only" for a seated dinner for which you are laying out the money. It's too "iffy" and informal a way to invite people. "Regrets only" works for a BBQ or open house among close friends. It's not actually proper etiquette, although it works for casual gatherings. The proper etiquette is to issue an invitation and expect an RSVP. So chalk this one up to experience.

Calling your friend to find out why she didn't show up kind of puts her on the defensive. If she didn't get the invite, she'll be sad. If she did get it and read the "regrets only" as a casual thing, you can't call her on the carpet for not responding without making her feel like she has bad manners. You don't really "deserve" a response since you have no idea whether she even got the invitation. So if it's not about the money, it's about her failure to respond to an invitation you don't even know if she received. If you haven't seen her in a long time, she could even have interpreted the invitation as a request for a birthday gift! That could have offended her.

All you can do is call her and try to get together. If this friendship is important, then have lunch or dinner together to catch up on old times. If it's not important to you, then let it go and assume there is a reason why you haven't spent much time together lately.

You can teach your husband that, if he's truly concerned about etiquette, he can read up on it. When planning an event for which you are paying, you must expect RSVPs. No one ever puts "regrets only" on a wedding invitation, do they? In fact, one shouldn't even have to put "RSVP" on an invitation at all - in the old days, everyone KNEW that it was proper to reply one way or another, and no one put in phone numbers, stamped reply cards, or "reply by" deadlines because all the recipients simply engaged in proper manners and took care of these things. Now, we need to help people to have better manners, it seems. So, we can't really fault others if we ourselves don't do things by the book.

Just get together with her and see what comes up in conversation. Or let the friendship go. Those are your 2 choices. If she's really a good friend, then you can get past this.

Personally I think it is rude not to reply to an RSVP. However I find the whole "regrets only" thing a little iffy because it gives them to much time to forget. I only send invitations with RSVP never a regrets only. I'm sure he did that to keep the call volume down because it was a surprise for you. I've always sent invitations out for my daughters birthday and almost everyone in my family replies prior to the deadline. Hubby's side almost never replied. I would call them and ask if they were coming so that I could get a head count for food and cake. Some said yes they were and forgot to reply, others said no sorry have other plans. Ok I'm cool with that. I would have preferred they call or email me as requested but ok, I took the extra step to find out for sure. The ones that really ticked me off where the ones that said no not coming and then showed up that day or said yes I'm coming and then didn't show. His mother didn't rsvp last year so hubby called her. She actually said to him "Just by enough food and order enough cake for everyone you've invited. If they don't show no biggie it's only money." Yeah...that didn't sit well with him or me for that fact. Extremely rude to not consider people are actually spending money. Three years of this were enough for me and my hubby. This past year we didn't invite ANYONE that couldn't be bothered to rsvp or show up last year.

In this case I wouldn't call her out on it but I would call to make sure she is ok. A general "I'm so sorry you weren't able to make the surprise party, I've missed you" would be perfectly fine. That is leaving her an opening to respond if she so chooses.

It's really hard to ask about it after the fact. Even though you haven't been in touch for awhile, the most you can really do is either call her or email her and say, "Hey -I wanted to catch up with you! I was hoping you would be at the surprise party for my birthday, but since that didn't work out, maybe we could meet for lunch this week?" You can't really, tactfully, out and out ask her why they didn't show up or RSVP.

I think it was rude of her for sure.... However, I wouldn't come out and say but I would send an email and say hey, missed you at the party, how are you? I know some say let it go, but I know I would want to know what is up.... even "if" when she replies she doesn't mention the party.... at least, you'll have touched bases with her...

I would wait until the next time she calls or emails you and then mention it. If you have a facebook account and she's a friend on it, then I'd probably post something about 'what a wonderful surprise party. sorry some of you weren't able to attend ...'

M.

Ok, first I want to respond to the post that RSVP means "let us know if you're coming or not" vs Regrets Only meaning: "let us know if you are not"....that's close enough to the same thing to me, gotta say! Basically, if you're not coming, LEMME KNOW. :P
I agree that on the regrets only thing, the issue becomes that they can forget. With an RSVP they have to take the formal step of telling you one way or the other, which gives them the opportunity to write it in their planner or calendar, and commits it to memory.
That said, you cannot take for granted that everyone has been "raised" (as my mom would say). You can't assume everyone knows the rules these days. Sad, but a fact of life. For my son's birthday party a year ago, I invited 10 children. 7 said they were coming. 3 waited to the day before to say no. 2 actually showed up. I bought a bigger cake than we needed, had too much icecream, had made dips and treats that I wouldn't have really bothered doing for 2 guests, had planned a couple games, had gift bags and prizes bought. It was just annoying. My son had a great time, so go figure....but still. This year, I learned my lesson. I had "Please RSVP" on the invites and 7 days before the party I called or spoke in person to the moms to touch base and confirm whether they were coming or not. I made it casual and not pushy, but just kinda letting them know I was about to go shopping for the event and needed a number of guests to work with. (This may not be "proper" but hey---I'm not the White House and not inviting people I can't talk to as friends, anyway). STILL----got a call 2 hours before the party from the one lady I hadn't been able to get in touch with to tell me she was bringing my son's classmate and 2 siblings, and she's sorry she waited til now to RSVP. If we had paid for a party at Let's Jump like originally thought, I'd have had to say no (by the person) but it was at a park, so I said I'd be happy to see them.
I don't think you'll ever win with everyone---etiquette and basic thoughtfulness seems to be a lost art these days---but I'd suggest calling to confirm beforehand.

I think it was rude..but I don't think you should say anything. Unfortunately, I was one of those ignorant people who hadn't thrown a big party myself and didn't grow up with such nicetites either and did not realize the importance of RSVPing. Now I do and I could crawl under a rock for the invitations I did not RSVP to and will never fail to do it again! If she's reluctant to participate in activities with you in the future maybe it signifies that she's ready to move on, but give her the benefit of the doubt that she just didn't know.

of course she should have RSVP-ed. it's really aggravating how few people actually respond to 'em.
but an RSVP doesn't imply 'regrets only.' i guess in hindsight your dh should have followed up with a call. and if money is at stake, it's a really good idea to do so.
since RSVPs get largely ignored these days, it behooves one to either follow up, or to take a very relaxed view of it. if you get uptight over 'em, you're going to spend way too much time being PO-ed.
khairete
S.