End of My Marriage

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Well I think your post shows signs of a very thoughtful, intelligent woman.

I have never been divorced, but I am a child of divorce. It was the best thing for our family. I would not be the person I am today if my parents had stayed together (shudder).

Anyway, here are my suggestions. Divorce is one of the most painful things a person will go through.. these are the adults. Make sure you have someone to talk to. OI suggest a therapist. This way you can give your story and this person can be your touchstone when you get really low.

Make a plan. and then be willing to change it if necessary. As long as you are headed in the right direction, you are ok.. it may not be the quickest or straightest path, but at least you will have goals.

The Children will be as good as their parents relationship becomes during and after the divorce. If the parents do not use the child as a pawn or a weapon and allow the child to be a child to 2 loving parents, that child will be great.

Your child will always love you, just as much as he will always love his dad. He will never be able to pick one over another and should never be burdened with that task.

Your child wants and deserves the truth. Of course it has to be age appropriate, but when he asks a question, answer it truthfully. If you feel like you do not know how to answer a question, say it. "Hmm, that is an interesting question, what made you think of that?" Or "why do you think that?" Or "I will have to think about that question.".

The ultimate goal is to always keep what is TRULY the most important thing safe and that is your child.

Take care of yourself as a woman as well as a mom. If you share custody, find things to keep you occupied when your son is not with you. Be prepared to be strong on those hand offs. Tell your son to have fun and mean it. Then you go and relax or have some fun too. Get all of those chores done. Volunteer, take a class, take on extra work save it up for vacation money.

My mother is my Hero. She was a working mom, who raised us 2 girls and made us independent and strong. She has always been honest with us and does not suffer fools. She had high expectations. She also told us she would always love us no matter what, and she has always proven that.

FYI, My father did not admit he had problems until his second divorce and he was 62. He is now married to my stepmom and is a totally different person. I have made peace with him and am very proud of him.

Sorry you are going through this. Luckily your one year old won't remember daddy living in your home. Your 4 year old may act out. Be prepared. My daughter was 6 when we separated and she remembers a lot. She remembers her father screaming at me with her in my arms and yet she stands by his side and not mine like I'm the evil one. The best thing to do is to NOT talk about your soon to be ex badly to your children because that makes them resent you. I wish i would have taken that advice from a friend. My ex has spent years taking me to court and harping on the littelest things so yes some words were said especially when defending myself and my rules and standing up for my children's life styles. Let the dad see them as much as the child wants even if it isn't his time. Good luck and start putting away a nest egg now and starting a good relationship with your ex outside of your home because once a new woman comes along your feelings will get pushed to the curb. Establish limits on things and express what you want and don't want right away to avoid problems later. Make sure you have a schedule written down and make sure you share the children for holidays.

Wow- your post is so intelligently written and thoughtful... It seems like you're making the decision to separate with both eyes open and with full understanding that everything won't automatically get better. Your kids are lucky to have you advocating for them during this tough time.

Good luck with all of the changes; I hope you find peace and happiness.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to be friends with their father, if at all possible. Your kids, especially your son, need to see that you still love each other as friends.

Good luck.

I have seen this in other kids/Parents who divorced.
Once divorced, they give the kids ANYTHING they want. And their reasoning is: they suffered enough from the divorce & they don't want to traumatize them anymore....

But, the thing is, the kid learns that NOW, they get ANYTHING they want if they just fuss/tantrum about it.
And they have learned, to 'emotionally manipulate" their parents, now. Once they are divorced. And the kid, developed a sense of "entitlement" because of it.

One parent I know, who is not rich... is taking her child to Disneyland and having a HUGE birthday party for her child, with lots of kids, because that is what her daughter wants. And she thinks she has to keep up a certain 'image' for her child... so her child doesn't 'suffer'... since her parents are divorced now.

So, that is one lesson.
Do not just start giving your child everything and anything, in terms of buying stuff, just because you or your Ex feel bad/guilty for your child because of divorcing.

I love how you are weighing the pros and cons, and realizing that there is still good in the direction you are so regretfully moving.

I left my first marriage when my daughter was eight, and dearly wish I had done it years sooner. She had seen too much of a marriage and parenthood that was anything but the model I wished for her. The break was both a relief and difficult for her – she was afraid of her dad's irrational rages, but she also felt fiercely loyal to him, especially when I eventually met and married my most amazing second husband.

She fought anything her step-father asked of her, she turned her nose up at anything he offered, fought his willingness to love and accept her as his daughter. I knew she couldn't help it, and it was painful to watch, but what I didn't realize until years later, when they were/are real, loving family, was that he was still modeling good relationship values and behaviors that have helped her find a really great husband of her own. I don't think that would have happened, had I stayed in my first marriage.

As for me, I had done all my grieving in the 13 years of struggle with my first husband, and I had nothing left but weariness and disgust toward him. So I didn't suffer much. Having quiet nights to myself was pure bliss. And eventually, when my anger and distrust of men and their motives had a chance to spend itself, I met the love of my life. We are still going strong into our 30th year together.

I hope you'll give yourself and your children the time and permission you'll all need to feel all the feelings, the fears and insecurities, the relief, the anger, the new hopes as new opportunities arise, that make up the fullness of living. Let your kids know it's okay to have the feelings they have, and help them find the most positive ways to express them. There are many good books available on children and divorce. Lean on that guidance.

I wish you a lovely future, Jae. You sound like a thoughtful, resourceful woman. It won't always be easy, but I think you'll be fine. Maybe more than fine.

It does not sound like you are really wanting this divorce to happen. Take your time - see a good counselor. Go ahead and separate - but take your time. I got divorced in my early thirties - I am married to a great guy now but at 64 years old I do look back and think about what my first husband and I could have had together. Right now we have grand children and since my first husband has also remarried to a woman who does not include my two daughters and their children in my daughter's dad's activities it is very sad for my daughters. I know that if I was still married to husband #1 - we would have great family times sharing the grand children together. Really take a long look at what is good about your husband - what you love about him - what attracted you to him; how does he loves the children - how you love the children together; when the children are off to college - what will you share together? Remember the children are only an interim part of your life with your husband - they will grow up and "hopefully" leave the nest and start their own lives. Take a look at the role model that you and your husband will pass onto them - will it be one of adoration for each other - or just two people who "hung in there for the kids" - you do not want that either - if you cannot love each other, adore one another, create a loving an environment for your children - then call it quits - but take a long look at why you cannot create this environment because if you cannot create it now - will you ever be able to provide a loving environment for you and your children and then later for the two of you. I was at a New Year's eve party this year with a room full of mucky mucks from the Seattle area - I could not help but notice this one couple - a very wealthy, civic involved couple - in their 70's and how through out the night the husband would bring his wife a small bite of a goody from the buffet table - announcing to her "you have to taste this - it is such a great chocolate" - then maybe a little bit later - the wife was doing the same - sharing something with her husband... I could not help but comment to her how I was watching them and how special it was that they shared little intimate moments with one another throughout the evening - her response: I just adore him - for 50 years I have just adored him and I do not want to have him miss anything wonderful" Do you adore your husband? Do you want to continue sharing the joys of your little girl and boy with him? Do you want to continue sharing just the simple joys and sometimes the crummy pits with him? Take your time...pray for wisdom.

There's a book, the power of a praying wife. Order it used on amazon. Works immediately.

Good morning Jae, I have been where you are at well for us we wee both ready t walk BUT it was said that you have to love your kids more than what ever is causing you to want to walk the emotions to want to break up must he stong but if yours and your husbands love for your son is stronger than those emotions to walk you cn work things out our probems started at our 13th year mark and we just ceebrated our 30th annivarsary on June 13th, Ourn love for our kidsw gave us a knew found love for each other ad yes we did get some help through church and now our chldren are grown and their family is still in tact. Tell your husbandthis or better lyet print this out and let him read it. I pray for the best for you and your family. J.

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Good morning Jae, I have been where you are at well for us we wee both ready t walk BUT it was said that you have to love your kids more than what ever is causing you to want to walk the emotions to want to break up must he stong but if yours and your husbands love for your son is stronger than those emotions to walk you cn work things out our probems started at our 13th year mark and we just ceebrated our 30th annivarsary on June 13th, Ourn love for our kidsw gave us a knew found love for each other ad yes we did get some help through church and now our chldren are grown and their family is still in tact. Tell your husbandthis or better lyet print this out and let him read it. I pray for the best for you and your family. J.

Sending hugs and prayers your way. My husband and I have been separated for 8 months. "Scared straight" is always a possibility, but it will depend on many factors. I was lucky to find a good marriage counselor. Even if my husband chooses not to improve on the things that need improving for us to be happy together, I am improving as much as I can. I have to know that I gave it my all, which means learning to do things better myself. Another reason I continue to work on things even when it seems my husband is giving up is that we will always be the parents to our children. We will always share that and it will be better for all of us if we learn to communicate better. My husband stinks at communication right now and it's very frustrating. But there is still a lot I can improve on too, so I try to focus on that and let him do what he feels he needs to do. Some nights my kids cry. Most mornings I wake up to find one in bed with me. We pulled some of Daddy's shirts out of the closet for them to sleep with. We look at pictures of Daddy when they miss him. I even played our wedding video one day when my 2 yr old was having an especially hard time. After my husband moved out, whenever he would spend the night my kids thought he was home for good again. So I stopped allowing him to sleep over (even if things seemed to be improving) because it seemed unkind to let the kids get their hopes up or be confused. It's time now for you to think about how to be independent. There will be roadblocks. But if you turn your thoughts away from the past and look at the resources you have right now, you will be able to do it. Feel free to email me. God bless!

all I can say is that my brother was 5 and I was 4 when my mom and I left. I still remember the day. Its was civil and sullom. I remember getting in the car with my mom and I remember what I was wearing, but thats it.

My parents ALWAYS co-parented. My dad kept my brother and my mom took me. I went to dad's every other weekend and brother came to moms every other weekend so that we siblings were together every weekend. They set up a parenting plan and visitation for holidays where they split them equally. They never fought over us, they never held us over the other's head and when it came to it, they were together at family functions peacefully. I would have to say that my parents were the best divorced parents ever. I never even set foot in a courtroom. :)

I pray that you work it out with your husband, but if that just isn't possible then take my parents as examples and be the best divorced parents you can be for your kids. Treat each other with kindness and respect and put them first always.

So when your husband and you were without children it was a good marriage. As soon as he had to deal with a child he returned to wanting you to be his good mommy again. Your husband never grew up. Don't expect Peter Pan ever will. He'll come see you Wendy when your children are grown.
Do you have a father or a brother. Grandfather's are the best Daddy substitutes around. So I would let them bond with him and if their own father ever wakes up they will know how to relate to a man.