After a fight between two of our dogs one died tonight. This is obviously unexpected and while my four year old daughter was not super attached to him I am needing help in deciding how to tell her. This all happened after the kids bedtime and so the first thought of where he is may not even come to her until tomorrow afternoon. (it is not unusual for the dogs to be outside during the day rather than in the house with us)I know that she will need to know he is gone and am just not sure how to tell her. She is very inquisitive and I am working the whole possibility up in my head right now as well as mourning the loss myself. To add to the problem we just attended a family members funeral two weeks ago and so death has become a topic in our household as of late.
Man it is hard to confront my own conceptions let alone explain it in a way that does not make her more afraid of losing us her parents. She tends to be on the worry wart side of personality. I do malamute rescue and so she is used to dogs coming and going from our home but this was one of our "keeper" dogs.
Thank you all for your responses. I obviously wrote the question in a distressed state and was not clear with the "fight" label. I too work with dogs as a part of my life and understand what a dangerous dog is and is not. There are shades of grey and it is not black and white when an animal kills another. This was a big dog responding to a suprise by a little dog (the one who died) It was not a random attack but an instinctual reaction by my bigger guy that is a tragic accident that we think ruptured the spleen of the smaller one. Think 85# vs 13# There was no biting just a quick head turn that happened to knock the smaller one in just a way to terminally injure him.
I do appreciate the responses and have used the "He was in a bad accident and the dr's could not save him. He is now in Heaven" This is not an easy day for either of us but it was not as horrendous as I had imagined it could be either.
Thanks again
I had my daughter watch one of her movies, All dogs go to Heaven. It seemed to calm her, knowing and seeing a "doggie heaven". She doesn't ask anymore about her dog Angel.
Just talk to her honestly. It is hard to lose a pet and a family member. However, death is part of life, and it's something we need not fear as this is not the end, but only the beginning.
I have a dog that is very old and shows signs of going soon. We may have to make that decision for him. I asked my friends for advice and they gave me such wonderful ideas. I don't know if you have books on the subject but here is a bibliography of books about losing pets for kids.
We had to put our dog down last summer... my daughter was also 4 years old. If you believe in God, then I would encourage you to explain that your dog died, and that now he is running around in Heaven completely healed and well. If she truly wasn't attached to the dog, I wouldn't spend a lot of time on the subject. Should this cause some worries on her part about losing you, I think the best you can do is reassure her that God is always with her, no matter what. I also think it's appropriate, at this young age, for you to reassure her that YOU will be with her for a long long time. She's too young, in my opinion, to hear otherwise, unless of course there is a specific scenario going on... illness or something.
With my daughter I was honest about my sad feelings, but also kept them in check- no sobbing in front her. We talked often of our dog (and still do), recounting stories and what we loved about her. Also, we made up stories of what she was doing in heaven- chasing cats, sniffing around God's garden, keeping God company. Our dog lost the use of her legs, so I would say, "Can you imagine? Scooby found herself in heaven and says, 'WHAT? My legs work!!! Yipeee!' I bet she's just running around like crazy!" That always made her laugh.
There's also an excellent publication called "Healing Your Heart When your Animal Friend is Gone, A Children's Pet Bereavement Workbook." If your child is truly mourning the loss, I highly encourage this. It's really really good, I'd say for ages 4 on up (even adults!).
You can find it at www.BreesGiftPublising.com. It's really really good- I HIGHLY recommend it. It is not religious in any way.
Sorry for you loss.
J.
I'm sorry for your losses. Things will get better. Keep you head up. Remember to allow yourself for grieve. It's VERY important for the healing procces. "BIG HUGGS"
Were both dogs Malamutes? If so, were they both males? My first reaction is YICKES! If the one dogs ended up killing the other, that's a BIG problem. What would keep this dig from hurting yur child or some else? We always want to believe "OUR" dog would NEVER hurt us. However, once the "taste" they have the "power" and oftem it comes out when you least expect it. Please be very carfull. If, they both were male malamutes, they couls have been the issue from get go. I still would be SOOO carefull. What does you vet say???
As far as your daught go, I don't know for sure. Part of me says as soon as she wakes up and after she has breakfast, maybe just tell her what happened-- They dogs got into a fight and "name" got really hurt and he's gone now.
Or maybe, just wait until she asks where the other dog is. Then tell her what really happened.
We have two boys. Ore oldest appreciates the whole truth right away. The younger one tells me (when his fish die) "I don't want to know, just take care of it and DON'T tell me"
Any idea what type of personality she is? At four years old, they understand quite a bit more then they get credit for.
Unfortunatly, It's the way of life. Has she watch Lion King? It's the circle of life!!!
Lauri
Be honest.. but let me tell you a little story to tell her.. when we have lost animals and a grandpa in my family I was honest with my boys but I added a sweet memory for them... I told them that when we lose one we love they are always near by and watch over us at night. Look up into the sky everynight and see the stars.. each star represents a loved one someone has lost and the star is looking after them at night. have your child look to the sky and find her loved one. I know it helps ease the pain and she will remember it always.. it has been helpful to my boys and they still to this day look up at the sky and name off animals and a grandpa they have lost. I hope this helps you
My deepest condolences on the loss of your dog. My daughter lost her first pet, a 17-year-old dog when she was just 4 and through my tears and grief I spontaneously told her that he didn't need his body anymore and that he was just like a butterfly moving on to his next form. At 6 she has lost another dog, a goldfish and a very close family friend who was my age. She doesn't seem to need a really complicated explanation for why they've left (similar to her questions about sex). Every so often she unexpectedly mentions that she misses one or the other of them. Your daughter may need more assurance but at that age everything is so inconceivable that death seems to be just another huge phenomenon that they can't totally grasp. My daughter, at 4, actually seemed more curious about my grief than the loss of the dog. I think she will tell you how much she needs to know about the dog's death and it may be little pieces over time as she comes to her own understanding of the loss. Good luck.
Lee Ann
Make sure when you tell your daughter about it that you really explain doggy heaven! When my son was 4 we lost our pugly and told him he went to heaven. He had just lost a Grnd father too and we assumed he knew what heaven was...our mistake! About two years later (he always talked about Pugly) he asked when Pugly was coming home from Heaven and I said Buddy when you die you don't get to come back! OMG he lost it sceaming and yelling "My dog DIED" and then greived for the next couple of months...wow I felt like a jerk! He thought Heaven was a place we had taken his dog...
Perhaps Griefshare.com might help with the 'loss' you have experienced both with the recent family member and the dog. They have 'helps' both online and in group sessions that you can find out if one is available near you. I lost my 57 year old husband of 30 years just last year and our grandson 3 1/2 (at the time)that lives with us was the one who found him and my husband was his 'primary caregiver' at the time. The losses in our lives continued with his mother being 'activated' in the Army and deployed (still is not home) and the loss of my 7 yr old granddaughter and also my own Father passed away all in 2007 so it has been a particular 'challenge' for me this past year dealing with so many 'losses' in my life and the life of my precious grandson.
My prayers will be with you.
S.
We lost our dog to leukemia last September and my son was very attached to her. Here are few ideas that worked for us.
1.We did pull out the story about that was her time to go to the pet paradise where she is very happy even she misses us very much too. You can just adjust the story to your own family religion believes.
2. Made an album with her pictures, so we can look at them and talk about how much we loved her and missing her, watching some of the family videos where we can see her was helpful too.
3. Send helium balloons with attached notes for her to heaven.
4. I did order some children's books from "Barney and Noble" about death. Make sure that you will read them first. Some of them are not really appropriate. Our favorite is the one for the bugs. Let me know if you need the title.
5. You need to talk with her what is like to be alive and dead. Put her hand on your heart and let her feel it is beating. You need to assure her that mommy and daddy has many years of life and only very old people die. If you're going to add sick people, too, use the word "disease" not sick, because you will get her worry about it every time you get a little cold.
6. And keep talking... At this age probably she just needs to talk about it to overcome her feelings.
I got most of this advices from my Parent Educator or friends. Well, they worked for us. My son still talks about our dog like she is alive but just not here and he seams to be OK. Good luck!
After having to suddenly and unexpectly put our beloved dog down, I got this book for my daughter, she was 3 1/2. It actually gave comfort to all of us. Our vet let us borrow it, and since I bought it for times she brings him up and needs to talk about it. It really is a sweet book.
Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant, Scholastic Trade; ISBN: ###-###-#### (September 1995) Ages 4-8
In this joyfully imagined place, God is a smiling, white-haired gentleman who watches the goings-on as dogs run and bark, play with kids, eat dog biscuits in cat shapes, and sleep on fluffy clouds. It's also a place where dogs patiently wait for old friends: "They will be there at the door. Angel dogs." Rylant's kindergarten concept of the hereafter is cheerful but not humorous or glib. A book for parent-child sharing and discussion. From Booklist (Stephanie Zvirin)
There is a book called Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant. It is a very sweet book and shows all the wonderful things that happen after a dog dies. Maybe it would be helpful to get that and read it to her. The libraries usually have it.
Hi L.,
We had similar timing with death in our family. My mother, step-mother and then our dog. Perhaps it helped that we had already begun talking about death. And I mean talking about the body being physically dead and not discussing our belief in regards to the soul. It is relatively easy to explain that sometimes an event or disease happens to the body and the body doesn't have what it needs to repair itself. Something along these lines might work in discussing the passing of your dog. There are also wonderful kids books our there that address death. A quick look through Amazon will turn up quite a few.
Best of luck
R.
mom of 3 (8yrs, 5yrs, and 2yrs)
I had this to deal with with my kids, their godfather died, then the cat right after that.
The library is a great resource. I love "The 10th good thing about Barney" and the children's librarian can recommend some other good ones.
J.
The larger question is: is your dog safe to be in the house with a four year old child?
I have always had dogs and know how much they are a part of the family. Since there's been a death in the family, it should make it easier to talk about. At 4 years old, I would answer only what she's asks and nothing more. I would reassure her that you'll both be here for her for a very long time. Death is so sad, but it is a part of life. The more we shy away from talking about it, the more we scare our children. Let her see you mourn for the dog and the family member. This is truly what life is about and can only help your daughter deal with life. I hope this helps. E.
I'm so sorry! That's a tough one. My 11 year old animal loving daughter lost her hamster. She was completely devastated. (It was a really cool hamster. She had it trained to do things too)
But we had a nice little funeral for it and planted a flowering shrub in its honor in our yard (I know that's tough to do with the snow on the ground right now).
You just need to be honest about the death though. My girls lost their beloved grandfather when they were 4 and 6. It was devastating for all of us. They mourned, but that was healthy for them. If you are honest and open about answering her questions it will make it easier for her to accept and understand in a 4 year old way.
We also made a little photo book of pictures to remember the hamster during good times.
Hope that helps a little.
I wouldn't tell her how the dog died, say he was sick and you guys just didn't know it..but do it gently and hold her while she cries....then have a funeral...its the best way for kid to learn to deal with death and say goodbye....you could also release a balloon with a note attached so she can tell her dog that she loves it and misses it....be sure the whole family is involved in the cermony...planting a flower on the grave is a good alternative/addition to the cermony too.
Hello Launa:
Sorry to hear that you have lost your pet. It is never easy to explain death to a child. I suggest reading "Fall of Freddy the Leaf" with her. Dont be surprised if she is ok with the news at first and then 3 weeks later or so she gets very emotional. Children tend to have a delayed reaction to these things. Also it tends to make them think/know that you are going to die. Of course they have to knowing of time, as the here and now is all they know. So I would incorporate that into your conversation. Good luck.
L., I am so sorry for your loss.
Two years ago we had to put our 14 year old dog, Sasha, down. My 4 year old (2 at the time) loved our dog. We explained to our daughter that Sasha was in pain and now she is all better in heaven. When she would ask us when would Sasha be coming home, we would explain again that she was in heaven and that she would not be coming home. For about a year she wanted daddy to go to heaven and get her, so we just explained that when you go to heaven you don't come back. Today (2 years later) my daughter talked about Sasha and how much she missed her and how she was going to see her again in her dreams.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
Hello.. I had the same thing happen to me and I asked 3 different psychologist on how to approach the issue with my 4 year old daughter. All 3 told me the same thing- I had to burry my dog with my daughter. My daughter was well aware of death, since she was present when my dogs fought and also was with me when I took her to the vet. Children are more aware of whats going on than we know. So if you sugar coat it too much, you may just confuse them. The best is to tell them the truth in a soft manner. And the burrial is important for it gives closure. Some kids are told that the dog is sleeping or still at the vets, etc and what happens is that you are left on hold and thats not emotionally healthy. Good luck ! hope this helps ! and sorry for your loss !
Children take their emotional cues from us. If we freak out, they will too. If we teach them to be level headed, as well as to mourn appropriately, they will learn how to rationally deal with life and death. I would tell the child that the dog died and went to heaven, and that we are sad, but the dog is happy there... I wouldn't bring up human life and death, or relate the dog's life to human life at all. Dogs don't live nearly as long as people, and many dogs will die in a person's normal life span. If she worries about things a lot, she may have picked that up from you or someone close to her. If she asks if you or her dad are going to die, tell her "no". She doesn't understand time frames very well, and it's not lying because you probably are not going to die any time soon, and she doesn't need to be worrying about that.
L.,
When my oldest son was 4, he found my favorite cat dead. He was looking over the deck rail and came to find me. (We had just come home from pre-school) He said, "Mommy, Shinky-Doo won't wake up." She was tring to drink water out of an old christmas tree stand. Her colar go stuck on one of the screws and as she twisted and twisted to get free, she strangled herself. That was 3 years ago, and I still feel guilty and responsible because we were going to throw it away, but hadn't yet. He helped us bury her. He cut some roses for her and set them in her grave, we said some prayers and my husband finished burying her. He understood enough that she was not going to be with us anymore and that she was going to heaven. Every year after that, he has always said to me, "mommy, she was your best friend." For a little child to be so loving and compassionate, I could never ask for more. I believe that he had to actually see the body to understand about life and death.
It is difficult, but I feel it is better than lying. That is just wrong.
Good luck
Ok first of all I am going to disagree with the responses that suggest putting the other dog down. Just because the 2 dogs fought and onw was killed doesn't mean that the dog is people agressive or even dog agressive. Dogs are territorial especially malamutes we forget that domestic dogs are still animals and will fight to the death for various reasons not only to defend their owner like I read in one response. Sorry I work in a pet store and am around animals every day especially dogs and had to say something. Any way I would tell your daughter that the other dog died it is up to you to decide if you want to tell her the reason or not. Have a funeral and let her know that the dog is happy where he now is.
I agree with the advice you received about the other dog. It needs to be put down; otherwise you are subjecting yourself to a tremendous amount of civil and criminal liability. If that dog attacks or even nips a human, you could be on the hook for medical bills plus a tremendous amount of pain and suffering because there would be a very strong argument that you were on notice this dog was aggressive. You could also face criminal charges stemming from negligence.
I am a big fan of telling children the truth - but the truth at an age appropriate level. If this happened in my house, I would tell my four year old that "Fido got hurt really badly and went to Heaven."
