Ideas for Explaining Death of Dog to 4 Year Old

I learned about death when I was 4 years old. Apparently I had a lot of questions & then my grandmother died. I went to her viewing & funeral & got my Q's answered by the experience. I don't believe he is too young. Be truthful but keep it simple. Let him know that Buck was old & sick, or whatever the truth is. Remember, if we get sick we don't necessarily die. Also if we have to see a doctor or go to the hospital we won't necessarily die. Kids are smart. Give them the credit they deserve. :)

Coincidentally a friend sent me this email last month which I am copying:

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith , ' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.

Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God

This is one of the kindest things I've ever read. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.

I did not write any of the above but thought it was worth sharing. I dread the day our elderly dog passes and I will have to help my 5 1/2 year old and 8 year old sons deal with death. We already had another dog pass almost 3 years ago but it didn't really phase my kids. I just told them she went to doggie heaven and yes, our other dog probably misses her. Now they see how our older dog is slowing down... she's 15 years old with some benign tumors.

Best wishes and my deepest sympathies to you on the loss of your family pet.

S.,
The same thing happened to me, not too long ago.. we let my boyfriends friend care for the dog because he said he knew how.. a week later the dog died. I just straight up and told my son that "Rascal" wasn't coming back because he passed on. Of course there will be questions and just explain the best you can. Sooner or later it'll have to come up, and who better to learn from then you, his mom. I think if you go the sleeping route, your son may have issues w/ going to sleep. Thinking that if he falls asleep that he won't get up, you know?
*best of luck, M.E.

Dearest S.,
I am a stay home mom of a 7 and 3 yr old girls. I too had to explain death to my 7 yr old when she was a little smaller. I don't think telling your son that the dog went to sleep and never woke up is such a great idea. He may confuse the issue and think that when he goes to sleep he'll never wake up or even think you'll never wake up either. My husband and I spoke to her honestly. Telling her that our family member was really sick. And even though she and we get sick it was a different kind of being sick and she went to heaven to become an angel. I think being honest with kids is very important. And even though he may not understand exactly what your explaining to him now, he will keep asking questions and repetition is the best way for him to understand.
Good Luck.
E.

There is a wonderful picture book by Cynthia Rylant called "Dog Heaven" that I highly recommend. It's good theology, whether you are talking about dogs or people.

I am sorry that you had to put your dog to sleep. That is traumatic for everyone involved. I think you should tell the truth to your children. That Buck was sick and very old (this is important to avoid trauma) and that he went to see heavenly father who will take great care of him.
That way, your child will not be afraid that you and your husband, your daughter or he will fall asleep and never wake up again!
We had to explain death of grandparents and this seemed to work.
Kind Regards :-)
S.
Mother of three girls, ages 8, 6 and 3

I have a Book that I LOVE it is called How to say it. To kids written by Dr. Paul Coleman It helped me explain A death in the family. It can help you too. Here it is on amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000TDH25E/sr=1-2/qid=12...=

It has been my experience that children who hear the explanation that "he just went to sleep," then worry that they might not wake up when they go to sleep. I think it is better to share that your beloved pet was very sick and was unable to get better and that now he is in a place where he isn't hurting anymore. Depending on your religous beliefs, you can explain that he is with God or in a special place. Sometimes the death of a pet is the first time you will have to explain your belief of death to your child. Sometimes it is better not to explain too much because then you might have to answer questions that you yourself are not really sure about. Usually, they don't want to know so much. I have attached a link to a site that has comforted many adults and children about the loss of a pet. Take a look and see if it fits for you. http://indigo.org/rainbow/ Good luck, D.

Our fish just died, and we told our 3 and 4 year old that the fish wanted to go back to his family and see his mother and father. So he left our family but will be happy with his family even though he will miss us. Not great, but it made it a little easier for them. I just didn't think they were ready for the whole death and heaven explaination yet. So sorry about your dog, hope you can remember all the fun times!

DO NOT tell your son that your dog went to sleep and did not wake up! That could cause some serious, long-term sleep problems. Tell your son that your dog died. That is what happened. Kids deal with these things much better than we give them credit for --- IF we tell them the truth. The dog was ill, he died, we loved him so much and will always remember him, etc... Your son will be sad, but he will be fine after a short time of grieving if you tell him he truth. It is so, so sad, but the dog died. By the way, I am the mother of 4 boys and went through this with one dog when my oldest two were 3 and 5, and with another dog when my youngest son was just barely 4. This type of thing isn't easy, but it is parenthood. :0)

Wow, it sounds like this advice is a little late, but I definately wouldn't tell them that he went to sleep and didn't wake up (in case it makes him worry every night that the same thing could happen to him when he goes to sleep at night.)

Explaining death to a child depends on your beliefs, but clearly you believe in an afterlife like I do. My daughter just turned five; last year her uncle died and we attended his funeral. We explained to her that each of us have a spirit inside our bodies. When we die, our bodies stop moving, breathing and functioning, (and that's what we bury), but that our spirits (or souls) continue on and can still feel our thoughts and love.

My daughter is facinated with the gruesome so she wants detailed explanations about how things die (her uncle had a heart attack), but I just explained that his heart stopped working properly and the doctors and nurses did everything they could, but sometimes when things get broken they can't be fixed. She also wanted to know if it hurt him to die. My philosophy about this is that I should be honest with my kids about pain (like, do shots hurt? yes, but it's important to get it and this is why...), so I said I don't know for sure, but yes, it probably hurt, but he doesn't hurt now. And we made sure to let them know that it was okay to cry and be mad or sad and it was okay to be happy and laugh too (just not during the funeral services). We miss those who have gone on and that's okay.

I hope this helps you - it's definately not an easy conversation to have, but get your plan and don't wait! Good luck.

We just had to put one of our cats down about a month ago. My daughter is 5 (was 4 at the time) and we told her Cookie was sick and that the Dr. is trying to make her better. But when we went to the Vets office to say a final goodbye, it was my daughter who asked if she was dying. Of course we had to say yes. My daughter was sad for a while still hoping she would get better but then we had to tell her that Cookie did die, that Cookie was very sick. Kids this age are stronger than we realize and just need matter-of-fact straight talk. Don't use the "sleep" thing, he might think your dog will wake up. Say the truth and move on.
Good Luck.
M.

I don't really know how I would explain it, but I do know that it isn't a good idea to use the expression sleep in correlation with death. The child may experience problems with sleeping, nightmares and not wanting to go to sleep for fear of dying. I believe he expression put down may be a less traumatizing use of words. It has been my experience that children handle so much more than we give them credit for, so my advice would be to be honest, straightforward, gentle, and compassionate. I don't look forward to that day myself, my daughter loves our dog, so please share your approach and experience. I am sorry for your loss, it is so hard to lose a cherished member of your family.

Hi S.;

I rather to teach my son the reality of life. How life goes? It is better to be honest to them now because that is part of learning process. My son rat died and we buried him and I teach them how death is part of life. I explained to my child that human and animal get sick. Sometimes we cured the illness but sometimes it cannot be cured, cause death. Everything that happen to us is part of life. When our children grows up, they needed to know how to experience sad,happy,problem,upset,death,illness,frustration,out of control situation. In real life, we have to be ready with our children little by little how's life inside and outside. I raised four children and also I am stay home mom. I keep them in routine way to handle things that are priority when they're growing up. They are exposed with lot of different activities they enjoyed doing it. They're in Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, I volunteered in their school and keep them active and busy with positive ways. I invested lot of time being with them and guide, discipline them. As a mother of four, I can't believe it that I done at all. So I would like to share with you that no to worry too much about those things because children are very smart at the younger age. Good luck and enjoy it very well, they grow up so fast.

Regards,
A.

Anything you tell your son, he will believe can happen to him or you. Like telling him your dog "went to sleep and didn't wake up." Or that he died from being sick. Your son will be afraid of sleeping and getting sick, or of you too. We just lost our dog (hit by car) and our 3 year old knows she died and is in heaven, and that she was hit by a car. We kept our description very brief and to the point, and most of all honest. Death is a delicate topic for kids, but they get over it faster than you will.
Hope this was helpful.
L. A.

DO NOT SAY "WENT TO SLEEP...", your child will then fear HE will go to sleep and not wake up.

We put our sick dog to sleep last month and I too have a 4 year old. You will be surprised how fleeting their interest is. I just told her that our dog was very sick, we did everything we could and he died. She only mildly understands "died" and we expanded a little but she was OK with it. She actually couldn't understand why we were crying so much and so often but we would just explain that we are very sad our dog is no longer with us and she would understand that when he died, we were sad. She mentions him every now and then.

I would explain as you go, ask if they understand or have any questions...no need to offer too much adult info if they aren't even curious! Good luck and I am SO sorry for your loss.

S.,
i say just be honest, you dont want to tell him your dog went to sleep and didnt wake up, that might give him issues about going to sleep himself!! just explain that buck was very sick and the doctors made sure he was very comfortable so he wasnt in pain before he died! this is my opinion, i know your son is only 4 but the sleeping thing could pose a problem.
L. f

Hi S.,

Talking with children about death is never easy, however I would not tell him that the dog went to sleep and did not wake up. There is a great possibility he will think that the same thing could happen to him. He may become frightened of going to sleep. Be honest and tell him that the dog died and is in heaven or whatever your faith dictates. He doesn't need alot of information, just enough to satisfy his 4 year old mind. Hope this helps!

When our dog died, our kids were six and three. By telling them he went to sleep, your son will have huge issues about bedtime, thinking the same thing can happen to him. What we did was tell our kids that our dog was very old and it was his time to go up to heaven to be with God and to rest there. We got balloons and let them go, so they could send "hugs and kisses" up to heaven. Every year on the anniversary of his death, we let them pick balloons to send to heaven. Also, we told them it's ok to feel sad, that's very normal to miss someone. They have dealt with it really well and look forward to sending the balloons. I didn't find any books that were very helpful for children of that age. Good luck... it's a tough one!

Hi S..

I would be very, very careful with my words. A 4 year old still doesn't understand the concept of death. To say your dog slept and never woke up can make your boy be afraid to go to sleep himself fearing HE won't wake up.

Try to tell him dogs do not live as long as people, and when people, like dogs get very old it is time for them to die. And that means they will not come back since they can't. They can't move. Their heart stopped. And that this happens to very old people naturally. I used to add ( I lost a few dogs during my long lifespan) that the old dog now is young and healthy again, happy with it's new life and meeting other old friends. That may not be true but helpful and puts a positive aspect to the sadness.

To try to go further may be troublesome. When he gets older he will understand better, but try to be as honest you can in as few word as you can, and he most likely will leave the subject in a few days. Children usually live in the moment and hopefully he will mourn for a shorter but intense time and then move on.

Both my parents died when my kids were 4 and 7 and I told them what happened without holding back anything. I amswered their questions carefully but truthfully. They both cried bitter tears... and then coped.

Also when I had to put my horse to sleep and a week later broke down in the garden, my son, then a little older than yous, aske why I cried. When I told him I missed my horse hes reply was:"STILL??".... and that took my breath away :) Children are understanding and thoughtful , but deserve to be told the truth.

This is my experience but is doesn't mean this is what is best for you. I hope you can get som idea from it how to handle your situation.

I'm sorry you lost your dog.

All the best.

L..

I do not think your plan of saying the dog went to sleep and didnot wake up is well thought out- your 4 year old may be afraid to go to sleep at night for fear that he too might not wake up. Just tell your son that God needed the dog in heaven-

I don't think it is a good idea to tell your son the dog went to sleep. You should tell him his pet went to live with his heavenly father. Explain he was very ill and could no longer live on earth with your family, but that he would be able to live forever with God. If he asks if he can go see God, tell God is with him every day even though he can't see him. Four year olds are full of difficult questions, but let your faith lead you. He just should not equate sleep with death.

Good luck.

Hi S. - We too had this talk with our 5 yr old this past June. It was tough. He knew our dog was sick and we explained that she may not come home. When we came home, we explained to him that it was her time to go to Heaven. And that she is no longer in pain, chasing and playing with others in Heaven.

I had ben told not to mention the "going to sleep" example, as kids will develop a fear that if they go to sleep they may not wake up or a loved one won't. Kids this age, have a hard time understanding that concept.
Hope this helps.

Hi: I'm so sorry about your dog. They become family members and it's so hard when they leave us. A four year old doesn't need details and please don't tell him about going to sleep and never waking up! He will be scared it will happen to him or his family. Your saying prayers for the dog is lovely. Just tell him now that the dog was so sick that he went home to the heavenly Father and is at peace. Give him a picture of the dog to keep to remember the loving and happy times they had together. He will be fine.

Hi S.......

My grandson had a bird and it just died one night. I told him about the Angel that lives inside of every animal and how sometimes the angel has to go help someone else and that the angel didn't need the birds body anymore. If Buck doesn't come home, it makes the story even eaisier. I don't know about you, but animals are angels sent to help humans learn unconditional love. don't know if that helps or will, it's just my experience with a childs pet dying. Cristian was proud to say his "angel bird" was helping another little boy somewhere>
Jenni

I am sory for your loss.

I strongly reccomend avoiding telling your son that his dog went to sleep. This can cause severe issues with sleep (fear of never waking up). I've a younger child so you will have a vastly different experience with explaining death. We tried to talk about the body and the soul/spirit/mind being different well before hand. The soul/spirit/mind goes to be with God when the body dies. We can't go visit there because our body still works but he (great grandma for us) will watch us from heaven and we can talk to him like we talk to God.

Good luck explaining this experiece to your son. As adults we have a hard time understanding this ourselves. Talk to your son about your beliefs and answer his questions. He may have fewer questions than you think.

Hi S.,
We just had our hamster die about a month ago and we never mentioned it to our 4-yr old daughter until she asked. Then we told her that she went to heaven. She really surprised us and said that she wanted to say a prayer for the hamster. So we sat down, folded our hands and she said a prayer. She didn't ask how she died, but said "Maybe the dog ate her?" And we said, "No, it was just her time." We also have read that book about Alfie the Dog, I'll Always L. You, to her and she always talks about Alfie. Hope this helps.

I believe in telling the truth. Tell him the dog now lives with God, and it is okay to miss him. Do not tell him he went to sleep and did not wake up, or it will make him scared of sleep. Things die in this world, and we can nt shelter our children from that fact. But by explaning that they now live with God, it helps them to not be scared of death, but as a way to go live with God forever. I am so glad you are a christian, it makes death not so scary. If he questions how he died, just tell him, he got very sick, and God decided that he would take care of him now. YOur son already knew the dog was sick. I wish you the best, and I am sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't tell him your dog went to sleep and didn't wake up.I would worry that your son would start fearing going to sleep at night.
Children can handle some truths at 4 years old. I would personally tell him that your dog was very ill and passed on to go to Doggy Heaven....Children accept things better than adults sometimes. He may not understand, but will accept the truth if told in a loving a nurturing way.

So sad for you all. I'm sorry to hear. I think explaining death to a 4 year old, you have to think like a 4 year old. I don't think they need much explanation, or anything deep or philosophical. But I wouldn't say "he went to sleep" - that puts kind of a dark light on sleeping! I would just say the dog became very sick and is now in heaven (all dogs go to heaven!) where he is no longer in pain and playing with other dogs all the time. How did he die, well, some times animals get very sick and they are just unable to get better and they choose to leave the earth and go to heaven where they are no longer sick. Hope that helps. I don't think a 4 year old will dwell on it for very long. I do believe an abridged, but honest, answer is the best.

S.,
Dealing with death is a tough one for any age. I'm sure your heart is sad too. When we lost our dogs to age and sickness, I set up a small little shrine for them. I set it up in the backyard among nature and put pictures and a chair to sit and think about the good times or to cry. We went together and I pick some flowers and put them in a container and added them to the circle. We said a prayer together, them I told them that they (my three children) could come and sit quietly to feel their feelings, to remember a member of our family. This allowed them to grieve and remember. My middle child was four and he would collect more flowers and leaves to add to the area. He'd sit and hum little songs. Sometimes I'd quietly join him and hug him if he reached out to me. I'd share some funny dog story about our pup and we'd smile and feel together. No matter who is gone a life is worth celebrating and allowing grief to be. I left it out there for about a week, then told the children at that time that we would carry our memories in our hearts forever.
Good Luck and my heart goes out to you family for the loss of your sweet dog.

We just lost my Husbands Dad this past Christmas. He too had been sick but still living at home. When he finally passed we told my 4year old that God had to take Grandpa home to live in his house with him, so that he wouldn't have to be sick anymore. We are Christian and my son was actually really excited that he actually knew some one who got to go to heaven, and was very happy that Grandpa was no longer sick. Perhaps you could take the same angle if your son knew that the dog was sick. There are still lots of questions about death and dying some times but we just stay consistent about not making death scary.

Good Luck

H.

S., I recently went through the same thing with my son. We had a dog that couldn't walk anymore and had to put her to sleep. We ended up taking my son with us and had him pet her and then we left. The next day I gave birth to our daughter so the subject shifted for a short time. However it did come back up and still does from time to time and that was more than 9 months ago. We tell him that "Boogie" is in heaven with all the other dogs that lived a long life and needed to go to sleep. We also let him talk about it freely so that if he has any questions they are answered. He was also very close to my grandma and expierenced her death, so we talk about how grandma is taking care of "Boogie". What a good dog she was and so on. Let him greive for his dog, it's good for him to know the pain of loosing someone dear. It teaches all of us how important the time we have now is, no matter what age! Maybe frame a photo of your son and the dog together and put it in his room. Don't wait to tell him the truth, the longer the thought goes that the dog may come home the harder it will be for his little heart to take.

I am so sorry for you loss {{hugs}} It really is hard to lose a pet.
The one thing I have to highly recommend against is saying that he fell asleep and didn't wake up. To a 4 year old that's going to terrify him to no end and he'll be scared that he might do the same thing or that you might. Our cat because extremely ill and we thought we were going to have to put him to sleep. The way we explained it was that he was very old and that his body wasn't working very well anymore and that he was in pain. We told our boys that the doctor may have to give him a medicine that will make him stop hurting and help his body stop having to work. We've dealt with fish dying more than once before that helped them understand that once something is dead it does not come back. They also had heard us call the batteries in their toys dead so they knew the word meant you didn't have it anymore.
My best advice is to be as simple as possible but to be honest. A 4 year old understands a lot more then most people give them credit for.
He may ask more than once before it really sinks in and becomes a reality to him but if you keep your answer consistent and simple it won't be long and it won't be traumatic.

I had to put my dog to sleep a few years ago. I didn't think my 5 year old would really ask questions being she is so active with her own things. Well, she asked where Sonny is. I told her that he was very sick and needed to go to special place where he will feel better and run around with our other dog, which passed away when I was pregnant. She asked if we could see him and I told her to keep a picture of him in her bedroom so she could see him all the time.

I never use the word sick unless it is terminal. I lost my sister to breast cancer a few years ago. That was a tough one to explain. I told her my sister was very sick. So, I only use the word "ill" or "not well" when describing non terminal illnesses.

We just went through this three days after christmas. Our oldest dog was old and it her time was up. I took her to the vet with my two kids hoping they could help her. I decided to have her put down but asked my 3yr old to wait outisde, my youngest was asleep in my arms. I didn't think my three year old would have a hard time because she has never paid attention to the dogs or want them around her. When it was time to leave she kept telling me to get her. I told her she will be sleeping for a long time and we can't take her home. She started crying and said we couldn't leave her. My husband and I decided to pay for a burial plot for her. We all went to say our good-byes. It was an open casket and she could see her "sleeping". It was then that she understood.
We showed her where she would be buried and we could visit whenever she wanted. A few days later she drew a picture of our dog in heaven and the rest of us down below! It was very difficult the first few days, especially since I wasn't prepared but she is ok now. Honesty is the best policy. Good luck and condolences to you and your family.

HI Sheby - It's never easy to talk about death with children but they are much smarter than we give them credit for. Just be honest with your son. Let him know that your dog was so sick that he wasn't happy and healthy and it was his time to go. I would stay away from telling him that he went to sleep and never woke up, or that the Dr. gave him a shot to put him to sleep. It may scare your son more than help. Good luck!

Aloha S.,

First, I am sorry for your loss. We have two labs and 4 years old girl. Our best friend passed away last August. He was our daughter's favorite uncle. His death was happened suddenly.
We decided to tell our daughter in most honest way to explain death. We did not take her to the funeral. However, did the ceremony of our own. We berried his picture in our back yard, prayed that his spirit will rest peacefully and told him how much we are going to miss him.

I think that nothing will soften the sadness of death. I think that it is a very good opportunity to give our child a chance to feel and wonder what is the life.

yeah, i agree with you that you should not give him the idea that the dog went to sleep. maybe you could tell him that the heart makes you alive, and let him hear and feel his heart beat and your heart beat, and you could say the dog's heart stopped. i don't know, my daughter is 4 and we had a fish that died, and sometimes she will see things on the tv about death, so she is asking and talking about it quite a bit. she hasn't really asked much about how or why or what happens after, but she understands the difference and a bit of how it can happen and why.

I would not tell your child that the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up. That might cause your child to be afraid to go to sleep at night, thinking this could happen to him! My children are essentially grown now, but I've had two experiences with the death of a dog. The most recent was last spring when our dog was hit by a car and killed. One of my daughters babysits for a two year old and four year old down the street. Those little girls loved to visit our dog frequently. When they came by shortly after our dog had been killed, I sent the girls in the house to find my daughter, and I privately told their mom about the dog. She chose not to tell her girls the truth, saying our dog got out and got lost. The older girl, being very bright, asked outright if the dog was killed, and the mom said no; he just got lost and never came home. Personally, I think the mom missed an opportunity here. Learning about death is part of growing up, and I think telling your son the simple truth that your dog was very sick and died at the doctor's office is enough. You don't need to explain euthanasia! Perhaps you know a trusted pre-school teacher or even the vet who can help you with the best way to explain this, but I would opt for truth.

If you tell him your dog went to sleep and didn't wake up, your son may not be able to go to sleep himself or be afraid anytime anyone else goes to sleep. I have found with my children, that honesty is best. They are comforted by knowing they can trust us. If I feel the answers may be to mature for them, I tell them that they are at an age where they don't have to worry about that "right now", it's what parents are here for and I will explain when they are older.

Tell your son the truth that the dog was sick. Being truthful with children (to an extent) when they are young will provide for a truthful relationship. Also let your son know that GOD needed the beloved pet to be in Heaven with him and that the dog is happy and healthy living in Heaven.

In our home we stayed away from the idea of going to sleep and not waking up since that can seem very scary. (To an adult it seems quite peaceful, but to children it can be really scary) People/animals die when they are really, really, really, really, old or really, really, really sick. This can explain people/aminals in accident too since very quickly they become really, really, really sick. That way if children project this on to themselves or another loved one, you can talk about the different things we do to keep our bodies healthy.(enough sleep, healthy eating, wearing seatbelts) and those that are old do go and live in peace with our Heavenly Father.
I am sorry for your loss.

Do not tell him his pet went to sleep and didn't wake up!!!
Explain it as part of life....when it is time for his pet to be with the Heavenly Father, it is a very sweet thing for the pet. We are sad because we won't be able to see him any more but that he is much happier and feels better, now. At four years old he may have questions....can we go see him...does everything die.... Honesty is always the best policy...but you don't have to go into lengthy detail. No, heaven is a special reward for us after living a long and good life so we can only go when it is our time. And yes, that is part of Gods plan. Everything that lives and grows must at sometime come to an end. But not to worry, God mostly gives little boys a long time to grow up and learn about His world.

Don't use the "sleep" association, it could cause a fear of going to sleep for your son, thinking that he won't wake up. I would use the word died, or passed away, be blunt and factual (not mean, just truthful). My mom's bunny died a few months ago, and when my son asked about where it was (His favorite friend at her house) we just said, "The bunny got old and sick and couldn't get better. He died, so he's gone, we won't see him anymore." My son (Three yrs old) said, "Oh, ok. Let's go see the cat next door." He still asked if he could feed the rabbit and pet it the next few times we visited (every couple of weeks), but we just restated, "Remember, the bunny isn't here anymore, he died." OH, OK, was always the resonse. Your son might be a little more upset since it is YOUR family pet and he's a little older, but it is best to be truthful with him. If he asks how he died, just tell him he was too sick to get better and sometimes that is what happens with pets (I wouldn't really bring up people as this is not directly related and might worry him), but now his soul is with heavenly father and that is a wonderful place to be. It's best to keep things factual and short with kids and answer their direct questions, not imagine that they want more info than they asked for - usually the parents worry more about these things than is neccessary - that's our nature. Sorry to hear about the dog, I know how special they are to their families.

we just went thru this very same thing just last week although our daughter is almost 6 we had all the neighborhood kids who loved our dog ranging from ages 3-6 we explained that the dog was sick and they did all know that and the dog s heart stopped beating and that is exactly what happend.. the dog gets old just like some people get old and die, don't sugar coat it too much that doesn't help.. remind the child that the dog will always be in your heart, and remember him as in like when he licked your face or rolled over or did a funny trick .. remember the good stuff..

I think you need to tell him the truth, that his dog died. Telling him that he went to sleep and did not wake up could be very upsetting. They have books for children his age about life and death that put it in very simple terms. Talk about all the fun memories he had and maybe make a special photo album together full of picures with your family and the dog. Good luck to you and I am sorry about your dog.
J.

I just had to reply to this...I am a child therapist. Please do not tell any child under age of 10 that "they went to sleep" when in fact they die. At age 10 developmentally death becomes permanent. Prior to this kids have magical thinking and view thinks like Warner Bros. death but not forever, I call it the just kidding model. I see too many kids developing sleep disorders, and phobias because of this. My advice is always tell the truth. Kids are more resiliant than us. Keep it simple and don't confuse your emotions with your sons. Kids only can grieve for a length of 5 min. at a time and then they will "move on and re-visit" the subject. Just be truthful and warm. Remember, death is just part of life. Debbie About me: grown children and child therapist.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog! We had to put our 7 year old dog (first "baby") to sleep a year ago last November when our daughter was almost 4 and very close to the dog. I would definitely not say the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up. You will be setting your self up for sleep fears. We struggled with how to tell her and though it was difficult, we simply told her he died. We have never mentioned the words put to sleep. She didn't even know what it meant to die but we said he was so hurt and sick that he went to live in doggy heaven where he isn't hurt or in pain anymore. We explained he wasn't coming back. This was tragically hard but we reminded her of all of the pictures and fun times we had. She has a few framed pictures of him in her room and we remember him and talk about him constantly. She looks to the clouds sometimes and says she can see him and has let a few balloons up to him. Believe me, there have been a lot of tears but remembering him has helped and it has gotten easier and easier. Good luck. There is also a book called Doggy Heaven we read.

I recommend getting 2 books to read to him that might him deal with the grieving process.One is "Good-bye Mousie" and the is "Dog Heaven". "Good-bye Mousie" deals with all the stages of grieving and will let him see that his different reactions/feelings are all normal. "Dog Heaven" (if you believe dogs go to heaven - which I do) gives him someplace that his dog has gone to. I hope this helps - I am sorry for your loss.

We put our golden retriever down when my son was about 4 also and we just put it like this. I'm not sure how old your dog is but our's was 16 so our son knew that he was old. We just told him that it was time for him to go to heaven and he would be so much happier there because he could run and play and do everything that he wasn't able to do so well here anymore. He seemed sad but soon realized that it was a good thing. Everytime he brought up our dog after he was deceased, I would cut in quickly and say something like "I wonder what Willie is doing right now? Do you think he is chasing some cats or having a big steak?" And my little guy would start telling me what he thought he was doing. We just always made it a postive thing, not a sad thing. Hope that helps.

Not a good idea to tell a child that you put your dog to sleep and he didn't wake up. Then the child will be afraid to go to sleep and think that he too won't wake up. Be truthful, in simple terms that a 4 year old will understand. Something like: "Our dog was very sick, his body was broken. We took him to the doctor, but the doctor couldn't fix him." You might want to plant a tree in memory of the dog.

When this happened to our family, We explained to Sean, that the Vet would give a special shot that would not hurt Mandy, or Macy, In a very few minutes Mandy and Macy go and live with our Heavenly Father and our dogs will not feel any more pain. The we picked up the box at the vet that contained our dogs and had a special prayer as we buried the box in our yard. Sean understood this. The sleep idea we did not cross because we did not want Sean to be in fear the word Sleep. May God Bless your family I hope this helps . P. S

Everything you are doing is excellent . I also recommend the books "Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant and "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney ". Both books are excellent to reassure yor child about his pet.

If you tell him the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up, your son will probably be afraid to go to sleep! You can say that he was very very sick, too sick to get better and your job was to see that he didn't suffer. That the vet helped him cross over to heavenly father, as you said. You might also look up and read the Rainbow Bridge to him, it's beautiful.

I also highly recommend the book "How Children Grieve." It dispells about seven myths (such as we'll get another dog, stay busy to not feel sad, it takes time to heal) that suppress the normal path of emotions. We lost three of our four pets this year (two to very old age, one to sudden kidney crisis) and this book was a lifline during hard times. It was also helpful to me as a parent and is easily & quickly read.

One thing my kids did that was healing was to have a memorial ceremony for our pet(s) who died. This is particularly helpful when the pet dies away (at the vet) - it brings closure for the kids. Similar to the mom who replied about taking her kids for ice cream and talking about the good times they had; that was closure. In the grief book I mentioned, it said that young kids in particular are pretty matter-of-fact about death and what they most need is a way to close the loop. That might be just seeing the body, as another mom below said, or if they can't see the body having some kind of memorial service, or just writing a letter to the pet.

Hi S.,

When my kids were young we had a series of rats as pets. Yes, rats. They're really wonderful pets, but they only live for a couple of years. Needless to say, death visited our house several times during the preschool and elementary school years. Each time one of the animals was sick, I'd explain to the kids what was wrong in very simple language and then let their questions guide me to extend the discussion if they wished. When a rat died, I explained that it was so sick that its body couldn't work well enough anymore for it to be able to live and that this was natural. I explained that everything dies, and that if things didn't, that the world would be so full no one would be able to move and there would not be enough food on the planet for all the people, animals, fish, birds and whatever other creatures they would volunteer to the list.

Naturally, this opened an entire discussion about mortality. Would I die? Would they die? Would Daddy die? Would Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, etc., etc. die? All yes, but but that it was nothing to be afraid of. We talked about what dead meant -- that you would never be able to see or touch the person/animal that died but that you would always remember them and that was kind of like keeping that loved one alive. We talked about how it was OK to be sad and cry and my husband and I were not afraid to cry over the rats. We held a burial for each animal where everyone had a chance to say something about what they loved about it if they wanted to, and talked about why we did that and why it wasn't right to dig the animal up later on to see if it was still dead.

All in all, the kids accepted this very matter of fact approach. I was amazed at how quickly they got over their sadness (it took my then 4 year old all of 5 minutes!) and how soon they asked to replace the pet. I did not take this a sign of not caring on their part, only that a sense of permanence was not developmentally appropriate at the time. I have to admit, I was a little surprised when they rebounded almost as quickly when they lost pets in their teens. (By then we'd graduated to somewhat longer-lived guinea pigs. Rats are better, IMHO!)

I stopped being concerned when the kids responded with a much more mature grieving process when my mother died almost 3 years ago, when they were 12 and 15. I think it really helped them that they had learned to face loss in a nonthreatening way over the years. Yes, they had issues they had to deal with because my mother was a difficult person and they had very mixed feelings about their relationship with her. But on the other hand, their understanding of sickness, death and loss allowed them to be very compassionate and caring towards her (and me) during her final illness. They were able to face the physical changes they witnessed -- often, not pleasant-- and could discuss them openly with me. And, although I did not let them, they were willing to support me at her bedside as she was dying. (I wanted their last memories of her to be of what she was like in life, not in death.) Finally, they were not afraid to show their emotions at the funeral and beyond, and could empathize with my sorrow. My daughter wrote a poem in her memory, which we ultimately had inscribed on her grave marker. Most importantly, they can speak easily about her today, choosing to recall the enjoyable times with her rather than the difficult times.

Hi S.,

Unfortunatly this question has come up for us in just the last two weeks. My best friend lost her 9yo child who was a buddy of my son's (who is 4 also). Having to address this was pretty tough. My therapist was able to help me with some resources for how to approriately talk to him about death. I am sending you the links I have. They have been very helpful to us. She did advise us NOT to use the sleep scenario as it will cause problems with his own sleep and he will fear not waking up, etc. Sorry to hear about your doggie.

1. www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/yf/famsci/fs441w.htm
2. www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html
3. www.nncc.org/Guidance/understand.death.html
4. www.parenting-ed.org (click on handouts under Parents)

Hi S.,

First off I must tell you that my son is 14 years old. But, I do have an answer to your question. I do think if you said that buck went to sleep and didn't wake up, I think that would open up fears with your son. He might think "if I go to sleep, will I wake up?" Maybe the truth would be better, tell him that buck was just too sick and that God wanted him in heaven so that he could be happy.

God Bless,

A.

I recently had to put a three month old golden retriever pup with a rare condition to sleep. I explained to my 3 year old granddaughter that Ballard was very sick & in pain & we didn't want the pain to continue, so we let the doctor take away his pain forever & now he's no longer with us. She tells people that he's in heaven with Buba(an old dog who died last year). We don't want the death of a pet to be scary or mysterious, but our grief over the loss is very real & she's allowed to see that & express her own sadness.

This is a terrific learning opportunity for a not so terrific experience. Definitely be honest and open about your dog's situation to the point that your child can handle. My child grew up with my ailing cats. One of them became very sick and she attended all the vet appointments where we tried to help find a cause and cure. As a family, we all agreed that she was no longer living a life that was happy. In our case, it was very evident. As we did in the past, we took our daughter to the vet and she was part of the conversations with the vet. She was there when the vet agreed that our cat was completely miserable with no help in sight. As a family, we said "goodbye" and we all grieved together. A strange idea I came up with was to go out for ice cream and talk about all the good times we had with our cat. Strangely, this "tradition" became part of our grieving process with other pets. We, as a family, learned how to let go and appreciate the life the pet had. We, too, believe in heaven so that made this process much easier for my daughter and the experience was priceless.

Since your dog has already passed on, let your child know that fact and perhaps ask your child how you can celebrate his life - as a family. GOOD LUCK!!

My daughter is 5 and she has a pretty good understanding of death (as much as they can at such a young age). I think it would be perfectly fine to explain to your son that your dog was very old and God has called him home. Especially because I noticed you spoke of Heavenly Father. There are some gentle ways to explain so that your son can be sad but not freaked out.
If you have old photos you could show him them and explain how the dog lived a very long and happy life, how the dog is still happy now up in heaven with God.

You could help him pray or even compose a letter to God asking him to take good care of the dog. Let him put it in the mailbox and tell him you're sending it to heaven...

It's most important to tell him it's o.k. to be sad & you're sad too, but you're also happy you had such a wonderful dog and happy he gets to be with God in heaven.

In a small way you could be grateful for this learning experience, it gives a chance to express the blessing of faith and prepares your son for other deaths he will inevitably come to deal with through out life.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Warmly, M.

From a child's perspective... When I was 10ish, my parents had my dog put to sleep and told me about it after my father tearfully returned from the vet's office. It was very traumatic for my whole family. I wish that my parents had told me the truth before taking my dog in. I deserved to be a part of the process, too, and to be able to say good-bye myself. I'm sure my parents made this choice both to protect me from pain and to minimize pain for everyone, so I don't blame them. I would just do this differently if I'm ever faced with such a difficult situation. This is really written for other parents, perhaps with older children- something to consider. Perhaps for your child, you could consider a special ceremony, a way of letting him have a part in this significant family change.

i would definately not use the word "sleep" to describe putting the dog down. as adults we know what it means, but to a kid sleep is just that, and we're always trying to get them to
"do it". i would try a more inanimate approach, like a flower is "born" lives for a shorter time than people, then dies. but the seeds live on to make more flowers. or if your child already knows that the dog was sick, explain that he was REALLY sick and the doctors couldn't make him better (NOT like when you take him in because he has a cold). then keep a nice picture of the dog around for you child to see and talk to buck in heaven.

Dear S.,

I don't know the best way to explain this to a child, however I would be afaid to say that the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up because your son may then be afraid to go to sleep because he may not wake up. I haven't had this experience with my own children, 2 and 4 years, but I have seen many friends have this situation and it seems that the children I know accept the idea that the dog went to heaven and is now in a place where he is well and can run all day, etc. I have been surprised in the past that the kids I know who have had to go through this have taken the death of a pet in stride. I think they are less attached when they are little even though they seem to be inseparable from their pet and I think that little children find a lot of comfort thinking that the pet is happy and well in another place.
I'll be interested to read some of the other responses to this.
Best wishes and I'm sorry for your loss.
C. C.

Sorry to hear about your loss. We had a dog for 15 years and it was tough, especially for my husband.

Our dog passed about a year ago and my daughter was around four years of age at the time. We were honest with her and explained that Max died because he was old and that's part of life. We let her know he is in a happier place and no longer in pain. She cried, but she never asks about him because we told her the truth. Our dog was cremated and every now again my daughter will go over and tell Max she misses him. I think telling kids at young age is easier than if they were older. The attachment is not quite as strong. I hope this helps.

what has worked for me in the past is just to tell them is.....the doctor fought as hard as he could to save your buck and in the end he was so sick that the only thing left to do was put him to sleep with a little shot in the arm. all he did is quietley shut his eyes and and fell asleep. he is no longer in any pain he is happy,young,and free again. and when he gets to meet the heavenly father both the dog and father meet they will be at each others sides, playing ball,playing in the water,they will be best of friends forever.

There is a great kids book called "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie. I was a preschool teacher and had the occasional need to help my students understand a little bit about death due to a pet dying (at home or at school) or the death of friends and family members.