Doesn't like Grandma and Grandpa

V.,
You're definitely in a tough situation. Your mom is out of line. She already had her chance to parent and needs to respect and support your choices. However, and I'm sorry to be so blunt, she sounds like a bit of a control freak. My advice is to be honest with her in the most non-judgemental way possible. It is not important that your mom approve of your methods, just that she respect and support them. It may hurt to have your mother's disapproval, but you need to let her control problem be her burden to carry, not yours. Approach the conversation by letting her know that you know that she doesn't approve, but that you are the parent, and your rules and decisions are the ones that count. You respect her parenting skills and will ask for advice when you need it, but she should wait until you ask before giving any advice. You might also want to mention that your daughter is no longer comfortable around her, though she will probably blame you for this (you indulge her, etc.). I would definitely tell your mom that she is not to yell at your daughter. Your first responsibility is to your child, not your mother. You can let your mom know that you want her to be a big part of your daughter's life, but that if she can not respect your rules for your daughter, this might not be possible. Your mom needs some serious boundries set. Another idea is to remind her of the old "If you don't have anything nice to say..." adage. Maybe you can check in with a counselor for some ideas re: how to approach your mom and how to deal with perhaps not seeing her for a little bit until she accepts your message. My son's preschool director had a saying: "You don't have to like this rule, but you need to accept it. Sometimes we have to accept things we don't like." Perhaps some variation on this would work with your mom? When I changed from the corporate world to the nonprofit world, my father had a very hard time accepting it, and he made lots of unsupportive comments. I told him that, if he couldn't support my choice, we didn't need to discuss my work, and we didn't -- for a year. We talked about other things, just not work. After a year, he started to make helpful, supportive comments, and we have been fine ever since. I know my situation was very different from yours, but once I accepted that I am not an extension of my father and that it was his problem if he was disappointed in me and once *he* accepted that I was not an extension of him, we got past things. I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry you're mother is putting you in this position.

V.,

I say this with complete respect, but you are the parent. What you say goes- grandparents have input, but not to the extent of telling you what you need to do or are doing wrong. Grandma should find a way to warm up to your daughter, not the other way around. Kids at that age are completely in the normal range for being fearful of others especially those that they aren't around too often. I would let you daughter lead the relationship. Nothing should be forced- it will only make her distrust and fearful.

As for your relationship, let your mom know how you feel when she judges you. Keep your communication open and honest and let her know that while you appreciate her trying to help and guide you, some things you need to figure out yourself as a parent and you would appreciate her BACKING OFF. Good luck to you and stand your ground- go with your gut on the situations and interactions.

Molly

I have realized that some of us, no matter how old we are, still want to do what our parents want and what makes them happy! Now that we are parents ourselves, we have to at times step up to our parents!!! My dad always says or by the tone of his voice makes me feel like I am not a great parent, then I think back and realize he wasn't either. I finally, and it was hard, had to tell him these are MY children and thier father and I will make their decsions and do what we feel is best for them, thank you for your input, but it is ultimately OUR decision! I guess you need to find the courage to say, "thanks mom, but you had your turn when you raised me, now it is my turn to raise my daughter, I am sure I might make a few mistakes along the way, as I am sure you did." I know it hurts when we hear that sound in OUR parents voices, but I am sure you are a great mom so don't let her or anyone else make you feel otherwise!!! At your daughter's age it is normal for her to be hesitant around people she doens't see all the time, don't worry she will be fine!! You might want to ask your mom not t yell at your daughter though especially since they don't see each other all the time, you need the times they are together to be happy!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Maybe your daughter doesn't like Grandma for a good reason.

My mother got angry because my two year old son was afraid of fireworks (and swimming pools, and statues of elephants, etc). She told me if I didn't deal with his fear now he'd have major problems later on, and in her opinion dealing with his fear meant punishing him somehow, or forcing him to deal with the things he was afraid of. I knew she was wrong, so I didn't make my little baby watch fireworks or swim, and guess what! at 14 he's not afraid of any of those things, and is actually really confident.

I could go on for days about the stupid parenting ideas of my mother, and her nastiness to me and my kids, but that's beside the point. While I knew her advice was wrong and I didn't screw up my children by following it, I didn't shut her up either, and the result is I barely like her any more.

Your mother is wrong. Trust your instincts. Tell your mother gently yet firmly what you do and do not want her to do regarding yourself and your child. She will probably have a hissy fit, but if you stand firm she will get over it and ultimately treat you with more respect.

p.s. - You will not "prove your mother wrong" about these things any time soon, so don't make that your goal. Your goal is to parent your child properly, despite your mom's antiquated and erroneous ideas.

p.p.s - If my mother had been held and had her emotional needs met when she was a child, like you are doing with your daughter, she wouldn't be the caustic person she is today. She's been looking for love (and angrily pushing people away) ever since.

My daughter was like this with my Mother In Law and my daughter LOVES her Grandmother. She just needed time to "warm-up" to her especially if she hadn't seen her in awhile. Fortunately my Mother In Law understood this and let her take the lead. If she had yelled at her, my daughter would not want to be around her to this day. Children go through different developmental phases and want to be around Mom, more or less at different times. As far as your relationship with your Mom, I don't think it will change unless you find the courage to stand up to her. From your post she sounds very controling and intimidating, but it seems if you don't, it may end up causing a rift.

Hi V., Wow, that would just break my heart if my mom was telling me I was'nt doing things right in raising my childr. We need our moms encouragement and validation that WE ARE doing things right. I had a strict mom but very loving so it made up for her strict times... With your mom, I would tell her that you appreciate her advice and have taken itm but you dont feel confortable with that type of dicipline for your child and that if your daughter does need dicipline (and mommy is is the room) that you would like to be the one who puts her in time out or says "no" or what ever. To be honest, time out never worked for me... I tried a few times and just could'nt do it, one because I felt bad and two because my son saw that it was a way of getting attention and started asking to be in time out.... so what worked for me is getting down on their level and taking to them in a calm voice. Ask questions.. like "do you like going to Grandmas?" and "why do you like or dont like to go." See how she answers you..
Or when you go there, make sure grandma and grandpa stay back for the first 10 minutes and let your daughter go to them... Ask that there voices stay low, your daughter sounds alot like my first son and is very sensitive to new surroundings and if people come on to stong, fast and loud. Even grandma can be too strong. My 11 month old is starting that clingy thing, and I just dont make a big deal of it.. I try to redirect him when dropping him off at day care and give him a ton of love. Its ok for kids to cling to their mom, in my opinion anyway... I think your doing great and I can imagine how your feel and how hard it would be to tell your own mother to back off and that you dont agree with her dicipline techniques... or what ever. Maybe tell your mom that you're ok with her being cautious and clingy and when she is ready, she will grow out of it..
Anyway, sorry to ramble, hope it helped a little.
Annaliesa mother of 2 boys, 11 months and 4 yrs

Talk to your Mom. Tell her how you feel. She might not agree right away or possibly get defensive, but now it's your turn to protect your daughter... there is no harm in that.

You can't protect your Mom, she's a big girl. Your daughter needs you now.

You are the parent, not your mom. Tell your mom, thanks for advice but this is the way we (your and hubby) are raising our child. Do not allow anyone (besides daddy) to discpline your child (put in timeout etc.) if you are there. It undermines your parental authority and can be confusing to the child. A grandparents role is to play with the child. Take pictures or your daughter doing fun things with her grandparents. Put them ikn an album and let her look at them in between visits. Gook luck!

That must be very frustrating. When our parents see us parenting, it brings out a lot of feelings. If we do it differently than they would or did with us, it escalates - not doing it their way is implying they are wrong, and that makes them defensive. It's her issue not yours - your issue is to set a firm boundary with your mom and tell her you love her and that you all agree that you want your little girl to be close to her grandparents, and (not 'but') you are confident that letting her take it at her pace is right for her and that you cannot subject your daughter to being yelled at for expressing her true and normal feelings. To yell at her will only make her less comfortable next visit.

Offer to do non-discipline things to help your daughter get comfortable with grandparents. - Ask them to make a scrapbook of pics she can look at for storytime each day. Ask them if they would talk on the phone with her at bedtime every night. Ask them to send her little fun things in the mail. They need to make an extra effort to become familiar to her, so that she can be comfortable with them when you visit.

best of luck!