Do You Get up and Have Breakfast W/ Your Hubby?

Hi Patti,

I don't make my husband breakfast on weekday mornings. He wouldn't eat it because he doesn't like eating first thing when he gets up; says his stomach doesn't "wake up" until around 10. BUT, most mornings we do sit at the table together and have a cup of coffee, chat, play with the dogs.

He makes what he wants for breakfast and takes it with him along with his lunch for the day.

You're not a bad wife. We can't read their minds, but now that you know he would like it, you can make a point to get up and have breakfast with him, or at least a cup of coffee or whatever a.m. beverage you like. :o)

K. W

I won't do the breakfast but if I was you I will try to come up with my own idea for spending time together. Yes, after he asked, it is not the same. Be creative!

My momma told me once that men are never content; even in a stable relationship they don't feel secure. Thus every question they will ever ask you (once married) is a test--it's always really only one question, "do you still love me?"

Well, that might be true. At the moment my husband and I work different shifts to avoid daycare for our baby girl, so there's no question of getting up together (if he left the bed when I do, she'd wake up hours too early) or going to bed together (if I waited up, I'd never get enough sleep). Sometimes I struggle out of bed when he gets home (to me, the middle of the night) so that we can watch a bit of TV together or have an actual conversation. And we do both get a bit lonely.

We keep reminding ourselves, though, that this is TEMPORARY. I have a feeling this has flared up for your hubby because your baby boy already takes your time and energy, and now there's another on the way. Even so, this is a temporary thing, a skinny slice of your lives. In a few years you may be able to synch up your schedules better.

In the meantime--I was skeptical, but the Five Love Languages book was actually very helpful.

P.,

First off, I think you are right in a assuming your husband wants some quality time with the two of you. I often try to plan small sections of time maybe 10-15 minutes that I squeeze in here and there during the night. It's hard to do things that are special for hubby with a child around so by limiting the time I can usually find sometime. I have prepared a footbath for him while he enjoyed a sports game, gave him a quick massage, and spent the time talking about how much I appreciate particular things he has done well or done for me and the family. If you have a list and you get the feeling hubby is needing this sort of thing you can try to find the time to do it because it really makes a huge difference.

About morning time.... I noticed you might be expecting? I would not lose any sleep because the best thing for you, the baby, and your hubby is that you are feeling well and get plenty of rest. If you do this then you will be at your best when you do are with hubby or taking care of your son. If you would like to do something special for hubby in the morning so that he knows you are thinking of him you can right him a little note to place on the fridge, make him a nice lunch, or buy him something special that he can eat for breakfast like a fruit he loves (stawberries, blueberries,or grapefruit). Buy him a special cup just for mornings and place it on the counter for him at night before you go to bed. Get his morning stuff ready, like a folded towel or flowers by the bath.

Maybe you and hubby could get a sitter and have one last special dinner out before baby or something special with the two of you. Also, it's really nice to share baysitting with other moms and go out once a week for an hour to have tea or something just to have adult time. Make it a regular thing so hubby can count on it.

It is nice of you to think about him, but do remember to take care of yourself and mothers day is around the corner so do think about what you would like....

Take Care,
G.

So, you didn't know how he felt, certainly doesn't make you a bad wife! The fact that your husband brought it up means it's important to him. That he feels that you should have known is a bit crazy on his part. We wives sometimes forget how important it is to be a wife too once we become a mom.

The two of you need to sit down and see how this can work. One child and another on the way means you've got a lot on your plate. However, your husband must also be just as important AND be willing to help. Are you feeling extra arms growing yet ^j^

Marriage is all about compromise. What time does your husband get home in the evening? Does he work Mon-Fri, off weekends? Would dinner be easier rather than breakfast? You fix the meal and he cleans up? Or you fix the meal and clean up while he baths your son, reads him a story and you both say goodnight? While dinner dishes are soaking, sit outside and talk? Breakfast in the morning; coffee, juice and toast once or twice a week? Seems like he's just looking for time to be with you. Sit down and talk, there are ways this can work out to benefit the two of you. He's trying to keep the connection, don't blow it.

E.

i can understand why you feel bad, but don't feel that way for too long... it silly. your sweetie should have said something like, "hey- why don't you get up early with me every thursday morning and we can have a little breakfast date".

sounds to me like he was trying to make you feel a bit bad because he was hurt. forgive him. forgive yourself and have some fun.

you can't be everything to everyone and talking is what gets you what you need.

head down power through! c

Don't let something you never knew about make you feel like a bad wife! If you've never done it and he never mentioned it before you couldn't have known! Men usually get mad because they can't read OUR minds! :)

With little ones and especially being pregnany you need your rest! My husband is great about letting me sleep when he has to get up early. And on the mornings he works later or his days off he actually makes breakfast for all of us! So your hubby doesn't have it all that bad..lol

All we can do in relationships is what we think our partner would like and the only thing that helps is constant communication about what we want and need from the relationship. If it's important to him then you can certainly work something out, even a few days a week. Just make sure he knows you heard him and that you care about validating his feelings. And you're growing and raising his kids, that's the best thing any woman can do for a man, so don't get down on yourself!

P., you're definately not a horrible wife. It is unreasonable to expect you to know what he wants without him telling you that it's important to him.

Iread your post answering someone re: about wanting babies. Seems to me you've already given more of yourself than had expected to do before you met him. I'm glad that you have adjusted to being a mommy. Does your husband help you with his son? Seems to me that an awful lot of fathers do not know how difficult it is to stay at home and raise children along with doing housework etc.

I think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to just know the he wants you to fix him breakfast. I also think it's unreasable to expect you to do it even if he asks. You are pregnant taking care of his son and his home. It is important for you to get good sleep when you can.

Some men get to feeling jealous of their babies. Some also need reassurance that they are loved. EAch of us needs different things to feel loved. I've heard of a book called something like Different Styles of Loving. MY daughter was telling me about it. I can try to find the book if you want. Anyway, my daughter said that some spouses feel loved when their partner brings home flowers or little thoughtful gifts. Others feel loved with just being with the person. Having breakfast with him may be what makes him feel loved.

I think that it might be helpful if the two of you could talk about your own expectations. And during these talks agree that the other cannot read minds. Perhaps set up a daily journal in a notebook that each person writes down their thoughts might be easier for him than talking about things.

Just because you're his wife doesn't mean that you know what he's wanting or needing. Communication is the core of this problem; not breakfast.

When I was young I said and my boyfriends said, "if I have to tell you it's not the same."
This misunderstanding about love is common. Counseling helped me to figure out why I thought that and how to communicate directly. My sense, if I remember correctly, was something like I wasn't loveable enough but if they voluntarily did something for me they were showing me that they loved me. I didn't realize how impossible that was. I think that my expecting that was a way for me to put up a barrier so that I didn't get too close to the other. I expected him to hurt me (not love me) and so I kept a distance by making this impossible demand for him to know what I wanted without my telling him. It's very complicated and it took several counseling sessions for me to see that I was keeping myself apart from my boyfriend(s) by making them prove that they loved me by knowing me so well I didn't have to ask for anything.

If I were you, I think that I would start getting up with him if you can do it in a gracious way. Then, at another time when the two of you are talking in a friendly way bring up the question of how do we communicate. Is it working? you'd say it isn't working for you because you're having difficulty knowing what he wants. It may take several low key discussions before the two of you can work this out.

I've heard it suggested that couple need to have quiet uninterrupted time at least once a week so that they can talk about this sort of thing before anger gets involved. The time is put on the calendar and the couple keep that time sacred. You might start the conversation by telling each other that you love each other. And then maybe talk about something that has gone well during the past week. Make it an open discussion about anything that is bothering each of you and talk togather to find a possible solution. If the air gets thick with anger stop talking. Once a person is angry they aren't able to hear the other person.

You can find books on communication skills at the library or a book store. I've found reading helps me to understand better.

I wish the best for you and your family. Marriage is frequently difficult. We do the best that we can with what we know at the time. When there's difficulty we learn more. Both people are good people. There is no such thing as a bad wife or bad husband. There are situations in which we learn better skills that build upon our basic goodness.

First, don't beat yourself up over this. You had no way of knowing that is what he hoped for if he doesn't tell you.

This is going to sound so old-fashioned of me, but I think it is a good idea to get up at least once a week with your husband, provided you are a stay at home mom.
I used to get up with my husband every morning in the beginning, but that has been cut back to occasionally.
I make him coffee and toast usually, nothing fancy.
He really appreciates it.
I know you are not laying around all day eating bon-bons, that being a full time mom is VERY hard work.
But, just imagine, if you will for just a moment, that your roles were reversed. How would you feel day after day if you had to get up and go to work and your husband got to stay in bed all warm and cozy?
It's a distorted view, obviously, because we all know that the kids are up shortly after our spouse walks out the door in the morning. But it seems to him like we are living the good life and he is working so hard.
A little appreciation goes a LONG way. Our men just want to know that we value them and appreciate what they do.
He will probably never do as much as you do, but it's not a competition.

What time does your hub get up for work?? Mine gets up anywhere between 445 and 615 depending on traffic and how much work load he has when he gets in from the night before. My hub knows that it takes alot of energy to keep up with the kids and would be happy if i got up to watch him get ready and eat together but would never expectit of me. So i think your hub althought not completley wrong for wanting to spend time with yu needs to have a more realistic view on the matter. Especially if i understand correctly you are expecting? You need to sleep as long as the little man will let you before you get up. So I would explain to your hub that you need to sleep and althought you would love to spend more time with him too maybe early in the morning just is not realistic. once the baby comes you will probably be up early enough to spend mornign time with him so there is something for him to look forward too! DO you guys do breakfast as a family on the weekends? thats what we do. We get up and cook it together and then we all have abig breakfast.

My husband usually goes to bed before me and gets up before me. He gets the baby up and feeds him breakfast. (I was staying up late to do the dream feed until just recently.) We've been doing that for about 9 months (baby is 11 months), and I think it's working ok for both of us, but I do try to check in every now and then to make sure.

I also try to vary it up every now and then, and get up with him. We've been together for 19 years, and I find that it's better to get things out in the open (if there's something that the other person is/isn't doing that is bugging us) quickly, rather than stewing about it (which might be what your husband was doing?) It's not reasonable to expect the other person to read your mind, although I think lots of us (me included!) do that.

Finding little ways to make the other person feel appreciated are very important in a relationship, whether that's deviating from a usual pattern to have breakfast with your husband every now and then, or perhaps in his case, bringing you breakfast in bed if he wants to spend some morning time with you.

And you're not a horrible wife! Relationships are always a work in progress...

My husband is gone for work before I get up, but he would never dream of trying to make me feel guilty about it. He knows I have a stressful day ahead of me with our two boys, and that I need my sleep.

Tell your husband you are sorry but you are not a mind reader and part of being a mature human being is asking for want you need or want from your spouse.

I only get up when our kids wake up, if that's before my hubby leaves for work, then great we see him a bit and maybe have a cup of coffee together! Many mornings he showers and dresses as quietly as he can to allow myself and our two kids to sleep as long as possible after he's gone. He usually just takes yogurt and banana with him to the office - my job is making sure we always have the flavors in the fridge that he likes. He used to want me to get up and make him a cup of coffee or tea to take on the commute with him, but gradually he accepted that it was often just too much for me to be up early with him like I used to, when we both worked and before kids. Life gets more and more exhausting for mama as you add kids, particularly when you are pregnant (as I am as well), and getting that extra bit of sleep in the morning, when possible, is VERY important as far as I'm concerned!

I think it's sweet you want to do this once in a while for your hubby, I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you surprised him one morning. But don't put too much pressure on yourself, there's nothing wrong with getting all the sleep you can, when it's available, especially while you're pregnant!

My husband and I do not get up together in the morning because we both value our sleep too much. We spend alone time together at night after the kids have gone to bed.

If getting out of bed earlier in the morning to watch him rush around getting ready just to spend 15 minutes eating together is not your cup of tea, then consider getting up 15-30 minutes earlier and cuddle in bed instead.

Sounds like hubby is simply feeling left out and neglected. I don't think it has anything to do with what time of day you spend paying attention to him, but just that he wants your undivided attention every once and a while. Maybe you could email him love notes to work, or call him during his lunch. On a good day, you could even go have lunch with him at work.

Hi P. - I am not going to be as kind as the other wives on the response board. I read your "request" and as I was reading it thought, "what a baby!" YOU have a young son, and a baby on the way!! I was EXHAUSTED when I was pregnant, and got up a couple of times a night to go to the bathroom, which we all know gives you even less time to sleep or at least get good REM sleep. When your husband said it didn't count if he had to tell you....I thought that sounded like a whiney little kid. Come on. He may want to spend more time with you, but guilting you into it is not the way to get it. I don't know, I just read it and got mad for you. Sometimes men just don't seem to understand all that goes into making a happy home, happy kids, and a happy spouse. I thought it sounded a little bit like he was being selfish.
Good luck to you, and know that you are a good mom and wife, you are just overworked and underpaid! :)
L.

Hi P.,

You are NOT a bad wife! I never get up with my husband, nor would he want me to. I am a night owl and not a morning person and get really grumpy if I don't get enough sleep and he knows it. He does wake me up for a kiss goodbye and I manage a "Have a good day" before going back to sleep. Our special times together are when we fix dinner together and at night. We always go to bed together and I love our "pillow talks". I do fix his lunch every day for him (I make it the night before) and sometimes he will even call me from work to let me know how much he liked it.

SO...get up and make him breakfast occasionally as a nice surprise and then find other ways to reassure him he is not forgotten or unappreciated.

Hi P.. You aren't a horrible wife...you just didn't know he would like you to spend that time with him. It's like Maya Angelou says, "We did what we did then because that is what we knew to do, when we knew better we did better." Now you know better and if you decide to do better then there is no reason to feel badly at all.

I don't know how old you are but this is pretty much a throw back from the 'fifties and sixties' when most wives didn't work and getting up and making breakfast for their husband was just a part of every woman's house day. Personally I feel that having a little time together without the kids is a great thing for a couple. Plus the little extra effort you put out to make him breakfast, especially when you'd not get up otherwise, is a small gesture that will mean so much to him and in the long run will mean a lot to you too.

I've found out through 30 years of marriage that it's not a 50/50 deal but a 100/100 deal and that when we hold anything back even when we don't think it is being reciprocated the relationship suffers. It really works both ways you know. I'm a working woman who has a commute in the mornings where my husband has a virtually little or no commute. I have to get up at least an hour earlier than he would but he gets up with me every morning, makes coffee and then he and I hang out together over a cup of coffee during the morning news while I put my make-up on. If he didn't do this I probably wouldn't be upset with him but because he does do this I feel very special to him and I truly appreciate that he gets up much earlier than he needs to just to spend a little time with me. It may not seem to be something that should matter but it does and it makes a big difference to the person on the receiving end of the gesture.

I don't have breakfast with my husband. He gets up 2 hrs before I normally wake up. we save breakfast for the weekends. Plus the times when I couldn't sleep or for whatever reason I'm awake I feel like I am messing up his routine.
If your husband has requested it explain why you don't, but maybe do it once a week or for special occasions.

I have been getting up at 5:00am with my husband or the last year. We have been married for 17 years and our anniversary is tomorrow. When we were first married, we were both working, I was working retail and he worked at a job where he had to leave the house at 6:00am. I never got up with him, because I didn't get to bed until after 11:00pm. Then, we had kids, I quit work to stay at home, and life happens. Getting up with him was not something that we established.

Your conversation with your husband sounds like the one I had with my husband a year ago. It was kind of like a "if you really loved me or cared about me. if you were really in tune with my needs," etc. Yes, my husband was hurt as well, mostly because in the last 5 years, he feels that I should be able to read his mind (something he told me the first 3 years of our marriage-"I can't read your mind!"). Men in general are a little needy, but they just won't admit it.
I wake up with him, make him breakfast (oatmeal I zap in the microwave), make him a lunch, and hot cocoa or spiced apple cider (both instant) in a travel coffee mug (because we don't drink coffee)- and then send him on his way. Then, I go back to bed and wake up with our boys ages 12 and 6 years of age to get them off to school. I go back to bed, because I need more than 5-6 hours of sleep. I don't get to bed until 10:30-11:00pm-night time is my only "down time", and, the new arguement with us is him falling asleep at 8:00pm. I put our boys to bed, and lately, for whatever reason, our 6 year old has been fighting me on getting to bed at bedtime.

I have a friend whose husband leaves at 5:30am to get to work, and she gets up with him to do the same thing I do. She also goes back to bed. I don't know if our husbands are feeling neglected because of our children, I don't know if it's because they are a little lazy and don't want to get breakfast or make thier lunches themselves, I just don't know. Since I have been getting up, every morning with my husband and doing this routine, his attitude changed, he's less stressed out, he more pleasant to be around (he can be a real grump monster when he's tired). I would get up with him, make him something simple and easy for breakfast (not pancakes, french toast, waffles, Denny or IHOP like breakfasts), make him a lunch to take with him, and send him on his way. But, if you are pregnant, this is easier said than done-I was always exhausted when I was pregnant, I didn't sleep well, etc. See if his attitude changes, and make sure he helps you more in the evening when he comes home. It should be an even exchange (you get up with him, he helps you when he comes home).

You are not a bad wife-so don't feel sad. Unless you are one of those people who can read minds, it's not your fault. Your husband not communicating with you, and letting you know what his needs are, is his fault.

My bottom line is. It's not easy to get started. See how it works out. When the baby comes, and you are sleep deprived, it won't be a good idea, and he needs to know that. My relationship with my husband has changed for the better since I have been getting up with him in the morning. But, if I had a newborn, it wouldn't happen.

Good Luck.

I've never been much of a breakfast eater, but I have gotten up to make my husband breakfast. (He works a rotating shift - so when he's working nights the only way I get to spend time with him/do something nice for him is to set my alarm for 3 a.m. every once in a while and get up and cook him a big breakfast. When he's done eating, I go back to bed and he'll stay up and clean the kitchen and watch a little tv before the kids wake up. (As an FYI, I discovered how much he loves this by accident. I happened to be awake one morning when he got home (this was before we had kids) after he'd worked a twelve hour shift in some really miserable weather. He looked SO tired and cold, and I knew he always ate when he got home - so while he was getting out of his uniform and taking a shower I just whipped up some bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast for him. He was SO pleased and grateful. I would've had no clue how much he enjoyed something like this but he was still talking about it two days later. I DEFINITELY was not a mind reader, and making breakfast for your hubby is NOT included in the "Super Secret Good Wife Manual!" So this does NOT detract from you one little bit!

My hubby LOVES breakfast and I enjoy trying out new recipes. (I made orange coconut pancakes for him a couple of weeks ago.) It makes me feel good to do nice things for him - and breakfast is SO easy and quick to make.

You are NOT a horrible wife. Not even close! You aren't a mind reader, but thank goodness your hubby felt confident enough in you that he trusted you to tell you what he'd like for you to do. (It's a bit unfortunate that he told you in such a pouty way, but at least he DID tell you.) You are NOT dumb. And it's unreasonable for him to expect you to be a mind reader - but I'm guessing he's feeling a little insecure about how much time the new baby is going to take you. (Not an excuse, but I guess it's an explanation.)

I would definitely get up tomorrow morning and make him breakfast (because you don't want to be passive aggressive and having breakfast with your hubby is a small thing that will make him happy BUT if you don't do it know you probably won't start doing it because you'll think your hubby won't appreciate your efforts).

Quite honestly I can't believe it never occured to you to get up and start your day with your husband. It seems like the perfect time of day - and a great way to spend time together WITHOUT the baby.
My step-mom (SAHM) always got up and made breakfast for my Dad or at least saw him out the door.
it just seems weird that in FIVE YEARS you would sleep in while your spouse got up and went to work.....And NOT ONCE think to get up and see him out the door with some nooky or a hot breakfast. Do you have a 6 year old? Were you a Mom the whole time you've been married?

--To see it from your side: Does your husband get up super early, like 3 or 4AM? Does he work graveyard? Do you make breakfast for him on the weekends? Is your marriage not a traditional one? More conventional and modern, maybe? Are you not a morning person?

Please do not take my comments personally. They could easily be chalked up to envy and exhaustion. I am a 24/7 single parent with almost no support system. I can only imagine what it would be like to share my life and my son with another amazing human being (especially if we were able to manage my staying at home)...

Durring the week my husband never gets up with me and our son for breakfast. We get about an hour before he does. Even on the weekends he likes to sleep in, but I wake him up to have brekfast with us.

Maybe you could start doing it a few days a week and see how it works out.
Good luck

You never said when he gets up or how else you spend time together.
I have always gotten up before everyone, I get a little time to exercize alone then and then my husband gets up with me and takes his bath while I continue to work out. ( exercize equipment in a large back bath.) Then he gets up and gets dressed while I make him coffee and start the kids breakfast and then I shower while they get dressed and then dress the little one and then he leaves somewhere in there and I take the kids to school before work.

It is a hectic schedule....but we get to see eachother in the am. For over 2 years I made breakfast for him every morning and every morning he did not eat it. However he does like me up with him and I can't even begin to sleep with anyone in the house up. Thankfully this gives me time to make breakfast for the kids and make their lunches at least.

If you can and need your sleep in the am why not find some other time with him and leave him a special note or something in the am.

Don't beat yourself up, you're not a horrible wife. Every relationship is different. As the years go by in a marrige you learn more about each other and you learn to grow in those areas.
My husband and I have three boys ages, 13, 9, 7. My husband get up early for work. I don't get up exactly when he does because i'm usually to tired to. But I do make sure I get up before he leaves. I make sure to talk to him for a few minutes. He's not much of a breakfast person so I don't make him breakfast but, I make his lunch for him. Then I wish him a good day and he's off. After that I usually stay up and start my day but, sometimes I go back to bed. Either way I feel like I did my part to send him off for the day. I think in a way it show my appreciation for him working so hard to support his family.
If this is something that you're husband would like, then maybe start trying to do it in a way that works for both of you. Good luck!

It would mean the world to him to have you to himself in the morning, and you would enjoy it too - and would enjoy the adult conversation. I know a couple that has been happily married for 30 years. She hosted my bridal shower; at the shower she said she didn't get kisses in the morning any more from her dear husband because she asked him to stop waking her in the morning before he left for the day, because she couldn't go back to sleep (he left pretty early to work out, then commute to work). I thought that was so sad, for both of them; she could have gone to bed earlier to keep that sweet ritual that they gave up. Anyway, I've learned in 8 years of marriage that life is much better when I swallow my pride and hurt feelings, and just do it (apologize or whatever it is). In the long run, and the short run, it makes marriage so much more close and blissful. Think how much closer you will be if you thank him for opening up to you after five years and sharing this need with you. Men need to be told and shown they are appreciated just as much as we need to be told and shown. Food is a huge thing for them; you are satisfying their bodily need, and emotional need (same goes for sex by the way). This would be a simple enough thing to do, with great rewards. Dr Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, totally changed the kind of wife I was, and has made our marriage infinitely more enjoyable (I used to be angry and resentful all the time, and we fought all the time - now that's a rarity). Anyway, good luck to you. You won't regret meeting this seemingly simple need of his.

I'm sorry your ESP has been failing you. Maybee you should get that checked.

It is fun to make a big breakfast for the family once in a while. Special dinners and such will be good for you and your hubby. Now that you know he wants your pre-emptive attention you may want to consider looking for other ways you can do things for him. He sounds very sensitive and will probably reciprocate. Think about what he does for himself and try to beat him to the punch. Be careful tho, you don't want him to expect something on a regular basis that you are not willing to do. You may also look at what his mother has done for her family to get some insight.

I used to get up to fix breakfast for my husband when my oldest two were little and haven't done so more than a handful of times since the younger two came along due to lack of sleep, etc. We also had this discussion recently and I had forgotten what a blessing it was to both of us. We have started doing it again and it is amazing how wonderful it is to start the day with each other. We end up communicating better throughout the day and week and just end up generally happier in our life as a married couple. :) Good luck!

My mother has gotten up most every day for 30 years to make breakfast for my dad. He didnt eat with her, usually ate running out the door, and was getting ready while she was fixing it so it wasnt about spending time together, but the act of love. It sounds like your husbnads mom did this for his dad or he heard some one talking about their wife. When my husband got up early for work I would usually fix him breakfast and lunch because thats what my mom did. It was lost on my husband (he didnt really care) so I stoped and found other ways to show I love him. When kids come along our husbands often get set on the back burner. Make a point of finding time for your husband. Go out of your way to make him feel loved, and make sure the love life is still alive. There is a GREAT book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura and it really explains how some simple, little changes can make a HUGE difference to your husband. Men dont think like we do, and it really helps get into the male mind. I would recommend ALL wives read it. I did.

P.,

I do not know many wives that do get up with their husbands in the mornings. I did that for the first 4 years that we were married, but stopped when I had a newborn at home. If I was awake, it was only because our daugther was hungry at that time. However, as my daugther is getting older and sleeping wonderfully, I will get up in the mornings again. It is a great time, because it is just you and your husband and you can have some grown-up time. I have always enjoyed it and I could really tell a difference in our relationship when I was not giving my husband that time. Hope that helps.

P.,

These are modern times and he can make his own damn breakfast. But, what I bet he really is wanting is time with you. I'd say, if he would actually sit and chat with you over breakfast (regardless of who makes it) beacuse he wants to be with you that is great and is probably worth getting up for. But, if he is going to rush around dressing, shaving, etc. and just wanting you to make him breakfast and will only give you 5 minutes of focused time before he rushes out the door, then by all means stay in bed! Especially since you are pregnant and probably sleeping poorly as it is and once the baby is born-sleep? forget about it! You can always leave him sweet notes by the coffee maker and make sure you get some quality time at some other point in the day. You shouldn't feel like it is your duty to get him going in the morning. Maybe just get up on 2 or 3 scheduled days then you both get what you need/want.

I am a mother of two, and though I hate dragging myself out of bed in the morning, once I am up I love the time to myself before the kids get up and the needing starts. You may find getting up with him might benefit you too since once he leaves you will have quiet "P. time" until your kid wakes up.

As far as the mind reading...we expect too much of our spouses in that way. It would be good to sit down and have a talk about what it is that each of you want and need in the relationship. People change and relationships change over time and you need to frequently check in and see what is working and what isn't. It can be a positive conversation by phrasing things in positive ways. Avoid the "you nevers" ,"why don't you ever...", "So and so's wife does this..." Instead say "I like it when you do XYZ". "It makes me feeled loved/appreciated when you..." "I am pregnant and tired and I need...." He probably misses you and needs a clear message that you appreciate him.

I agree with Laura U and Michelle S. Your husband sounds whiny. I stay in bed while my husband gets up & goes to work. When I was working on weekends, he would stay in bed while I got up. It sounds like he expects you to be his servant or something, and that's ridiculous, especially since you're pregnant & having to take care of another child. I'm pregnant now with my first one, and have barely been able to get by with my work. I can't imagine being pregnant with a child already here (although I'll have to face that in a few years... oh dear...). However, in our relationship, we're pretty equal about all the cooking/housework/etc. We do our own laundry. I really hope you don't feel sad about this for long. You're a wonderful wife!!! Perhaps I would get up with him on the weekends, but not the weekdays. And you might think about counseling. It's very helpful now & then - good to have a "tune-up" on the marriage.

P. K,

Why don't you tell your husband just what you told us? Maybe you have. Let him know that you want to spend that time with him, that you love him much more than your sleep :), that you are sorry that you have hurt him over the years by not getting out of bed, and then get out of bed with him. He may think you are only doing this because he asked you to, but if you do it day after day, he will know that you want to be with him. (By the way, what is wrong with the direct approach of communicating his feelings to you? I suspect that this method is the best for keeping relationships strong and healthy -- otherwise, feelings can get hurt. Just like they have in your husband's case.)

God bless,
L.

Hi P., I do get up with my husband in the mornings at 4:30 and make his lunch for him. I have been doing this for a couple years now and boy I have seen a difference in him. Just from that! I think he feels like I really care about him and spending time with him. This little extra effort does make the difference in our marriage. I also have been making him breakfast burritos for him and storing them in the freezer. Then I get one out for the morning, microwave it and he has a warm breakfast made from me every morning. I just make them in my free time during the day, once a week, a week's worth at a time. Hope this helps.

P., first, congratulations on the new baby! Second, you are not a horrible wife! You are a tired, exhausted and busy wife, something we all can empathize with you about!

Everyone has given wonderful advice, so I'm simply going to give you my own experiences and suggestions. When my first 2 were born my husband and I were both military and I would be up at 4:30 am every morning to get kids to daycare and me to formation. He, however, would be up at 3am. I am NOT a morning person! So I never got up with him. I did try to make a special thing about the Sundays that he was not working, by having a special breakfast. This means the bacon, eggs, biscuits, and coffee(we're country) ready for him when he woke up. 13 years later, I now get up before him and out the door before he and the girls wake up. Most days, even the days that he leaves before me, I will have the coffee set the night before to go off when he gets up and...he loves for me to mix his coffee with sugar and creamer...somehow I do it "right." I mix it together place saran wrap(sp) over the top and write "love you" with a sharpie on top.

It seems cheesy but when a woman is so very busy with kids, we tend to forget that our "big baby" needs us too. We also have a rule in our home that when dad is taking his bath in the evenings, I sit in there with him and talk. It's the only chance we really have to discuss things. Yes my husband soaks in the tub!LOL! But the kids know, unless it is an emergency they don't bother us during that time.

Hope some of this helps, best of luck and remind him that you have 2 new babies that need your attention right now. His turn will come!

First of all, DON'T feel like a horrible wife! Part of being in a relationship is honest communication, and if he never told you about wanting breakfast with you, then he has no room to make you feel bad about it. Just tell him you are sorry, that you didn't know he even wanted that. You can probably even ask (nicely) if he will please tell you about things that are bothering him before they get to the "hurt" point.
I think it's great that you are willing to get up every now and then to make breakfast for him! He will feel respected and that makes a guy tick more than anything. Good for you!

I LOVED THIS RESPONSE FROM LAURA:
"From: Laura U Date: Fri. May. 02, 2008
Hi P. - I am not going to be as kind as the other wives on the response board. I read your "request" and as I was reading it thought, "what a baby!" YOU have a young son, and a baby on the way!! I was EXHAUSTED when I was pregnant, and got up a couple of times a night to go to the bathroom, which we all know gives you even less time to sleep or at least get good REM sleep. When your husband said it didn't count if he had to tell you....I thought that sounded like a whiney little kid. Come on. He may want to spend more time with you, but guilting you into it is not the way to get it. I don't know, I just read it and got mad for you. Sometimes men just don't seem to understand all that goes into making a happy home, happy kids, and a happy spouse. I thought it sounded a little bit like he was being selfish.
Good luck to you, and know that you are a good mom and wife, you are just overworked and underpaid! :)
Laura"
**********************************
I Agree with her completely. MY first thought was "BOO FRICKEN HOO!!!" What is wrong with him?? Does he get up with YOU when the babies do?? Does HE clean the house and do the laundry and chase after little kids all day?? I have "had it both ways", and I can tell you, it is more of a vacation when I went to work--no matter what I "told" my family, it was easier going to my paying job than it was staying at home, and not being able to brush my teeth or get dressed till 1 p.m.!!!
You are NOT a terrible wife. He didn't come with an "owner's manual" nor do you have E.S.P.
I would tell him that too. GENTLY!! How could you possibly know what his needs are if he doesn't tell you--and WITHOUT the pouty, baby attitude! Some may call my response brash, but lets face it, this is the real world, and no matter how much our men have this old "50's vision of Ozzie & Harriet", it aint gunna cut it in 2008! SO, be gentle on yourself, and let him know that MAYBE, you can get up once a week with him, and not to take it too hard, because you VALUE your limited sleep time, but you love him even more!
I WISH I was armed, in my 20's, with the information I have now. My life would have been SOOOO much better and easier!
Good luck sweetie!! Let us know how this turned out!

I've always gotten up with my husband to make him breakfast so that I could spend time talking with him in the morning. I was never really a morning person either, but it helped me to start my day early enough so that I could get all my work done before he got home (I worked from home on research). Since I didn't have to get dressed for an office, I was the one that made the breakfast so he could shower and we could have extra time to spend together. It was especially important to us when we lived in D.C. and he had to be at the train by 6 a.m. and he didn't get home until after 8 p.m. some days. I would have never seen him! While I was pregnant I drove him to the train after making him breakfast so that I could spend more time with him and then just worked out before heading home to work. This way I never felt bitter about getting up since I was doing it for both "us" and for "me." I would never have had a conversation with him if I waited until the evening when I was beat. Now that I have a 2 year old and he's getting home before 6:30 p.m. (some nights any way) we have a trade off where I make breakfast and if I'm beat from chasing around our high energy son he'll make dinner. I always felt like a terrible wife when I didn't plan dinner but my husband just reminds me that I always take time for him in the morning so he's happy to help out with dinner. That time spent talking is becoming more and more important so starting my day by at least 5:30 is totally worth it. Then when he's deployed for 3 months at a time I utilize the fact that I've been trained to get up early to finally take some quality time for me -- not that there's a lot of time in the morning when your child gets up by 6 a.m. With that said, if you aren't a morning person maybe you can figure out another way to work in some quality time with your husband and make it on your terms so that you feel like you've come up with a solution and aren't being told what's expected of you. There's no doubt about it that finding quality time with our husbands (as well as them with us) is next to impossible when we are also raising our kids and giving our full attention to them during the day.

Been married 34 years now, and still am amazed that men really DO expect their wives to read their minds. All I ask for in my marriage is good communication -- and believe me, YOU would be amazed at what it took to finally get the words to emerge from my husband. Now that you know what yours wants -- get up with him as many times as you can, and don't waste one second on feeling guilty. It takes TWO to tango, and talk, as well. If sharing his inner self with you is hard -- set yourself up with Yahoo Messenger, and talk, talk, talk. Make a Talk Date. It worked for me, and now I feel like I have a place where we can safely share those thoughts that might otherwise trigger a knee-jerk defensive fight (and sometimes, the knee-jerk isn't even his!) Good Luck. Penny Gonzales (don't know who S. is)

Yes I do. My husband also doesn't leave until 8 am. If it were him leaving at 5 am that might make it harder. I am up around 6, dress and then make breakfast. We do pancakes, waffles, eggs and muffins that kind of stuff. He loves it and enjoys the big family breakfast. We never get to eat alone as we have 4 kids and a small house so the noise of making breakfast wakes everyone up. If your husband brought this up to you it is important to him. He may say that if he had to ask you it isn't the same but you need to show him that you honestly overlooked it but care enough to rouse yourself to make your hard workin man some breakfast. Call me old fashioned but you serve your husband and treat him like a king and trust me from experience he will treat you like a queen! I promise you that the impact of getting up and making him breakfast, not cold cereal, but a real breakfast will make him know how much you love him. Good luck! Now get cookin' girl!!

Well, it sounds like maybe you need some more alone time together. Maybe planning more dates would help. I will say, I have not, nor do I plan to ever get up and make my husband breakfast. Nor do I think he would want me too. He leaves for work before 5am and I have no plans to be up that early unless my child is up. When he used to go to work later and I happened to be up, I would offer to put lunch together for him and he would be appreciative. Frankly, he gets up as late as possible, so there really would be no time to spend together and I would just slow him down. He is perfectly capable of making his own lunch and breakfast! I do set the coffee maker up the night before and set them timer. I am quite surprised to read how many women get up and make their husband's breakfast. I don't personally know any besides my mother in law (and she is obviously not pregnant or caring for small children). We have breakfast together as a family on the weekends, but that's about it! Maybe it's because my mom worked full time growing up and I never saw her doing that for my dad! Or maybe it's because I work 2 -3 days a week myself and am a full time mommy the other days of the week. It might be different if we had no children and I just stayed home while he went to work...but who does that nowadays? This is not the 50's!

So my husband is at work one day and this guy he was working with starts talking about how his wife makes him breakfast in the morning and makes his lunch for him everyday. My hubby told him that he did that himself, and the guy tells him to tell me that I should do it. He told the guy that I would tell him to "kiss off" (keeping it clean on mamasource). He then called me just to find out for sure what I would say, because the guy didn't believe him. He knows me so well....... I used his exact words and told him to "kiss off".

I have 3 kids ages 3.5 and under. I make them a hot breakfast almost every morning. I am not lounging in bed while he readys himself in the morning either. If the kids ahve slept in, his alarm clock wakes up our brood (our house is super tiny) so I am usually changing a diaper, getting my kids somewhat settled into an activity so I can cook for them, starting laundry, and dealing with the 2 demanding animals that need to be let out and fed, just to mention a few things. Mornings are hectic here even if the kids and I have no 'plans' for the day.
If my hubby is still home when breakfst is done, he will quickly eat with us, but I will not get up and make a earlier meal for him for 2 reasons: The noise would wake the kids up even earlier and if by some chance they didn't wake up I am not gonna prepare 2 meals every morning .
We do the family breakfast thing on the weekends when there is no time line for my hubby needing to get out of the door. Luckily my husband is ok with this set up.

I am not against doing these things if it works for you. If you really feel it is that important to him and you don't mind doing it for him by all means go for it, but DO NOT feel like you are a bad wife or unable to balance it all because you haven't done it thus far. Our hubbies are just as capable of frying an egg as we are!! I love staying at home and am so grateful every day that my husband busts his butt so that I can, and I don't think not cooking your husband breakfast should make you feel like your failing in some way. I don't think it is fair that he has made you feel this way either......intentional or not.

I don't mean to come off sounding harsh or anything, although I think I did........... sorry. I guess seeing how bad you felt just hit a raw nerve for me.

P.,
A couple of thoughts:
1. One of the biggest issues in a marriage is a lack of open communication, as well as not understanding one another's temperaments. We all need to understand that we cannot read one another's mind and if we have a need going unmet, it is a good thing to share. Your response to your husband when he thought telling you would take away the specialness of having a meal together at the start of your day might have included something to the effect that you appreciate and respect him for telling you because you can't read his mind and you enjoy doing special things for him, but can't know what's important to him without his telling you. Same goes for you and what you express.
2. A couple of books you might enjoy reading together to open up communication and understanding are:
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggericho.

I commend you for wanting to love and honor your husband!

You're not a horrible wife! Men complain that we need to tell them things, that they're not mind readers - is it not the same here? Now he's mentioned it, so now you know. I think you both need to forgive each other and move on. I'm not trying to sound brash, but he sounded kind of pouty ("if he had to tell me, then it's not the same") - maybe he was hurt in some way, or maybe there's more to it, is he feeling insecure for some reason? Jealous of time spent with your son and now new baby? Sounds like you might need to spend some more time talking. I remember when my kids were very small that we really had to make sure to make time for each other. For us, while I made dinner worked, we would talk - and we've always tried to get the kids to bed fairly early so we could have the evening together. Obviously there were times when that didn't work as well as others, as things come up. I also agree with what someone else had mentioned - right now you're expecting, you need the sleep for you and the baby.

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years, and there have probably been fewer than 5 times that I have gotten up before he went to work to make him breakfast. I am not really a morning person, and he knows this, and it doesn't bother him, so for me, I am fortunate.

I get up with mine every morning. I dont make him breakfast all the time because thats not what I am here for but, i do it on occasion to make him feel like he is loved and it makes me feel good knowing he ate good before work. Maybe thats why his friends say he is lucky to have someone like me. I dunno .
Surprise him tomorrow with a cup of coffee or eggs and toast. Shoot if you cant cook in the morning they do have the microwavable ones that you can throw in real quick.

He just feels left out im sure of it. You arent obligated to cook every once in a while. Its just a suggestion. At least wake up to throw your arms around him, say ya love him and have a good day with a big ol kiss goodbye and go back to bed.

Good Luck