Do You and Your Spouse Ever Disagree on What Is Best for the Kids?

I think you are right to get her evaluated. Either she gets services or you get peace of mind. I've seen a lot of kids "outgrow" minor stuff with the right help. And if it is more than minor, then the sooner the better on getting some help.

Parents may have different feelings about a child having special needs so he is probably not in the same place emotionally. You may also see the problem more clearly if you are with the kids more of the time. One good book with a lot of info is Quirky Kids.

As far as the "label" I haven't read any of the other posts, but it's the best thing you can do if she is experiencing a delay or other behaviors. Early Intervention wasn't even mandated until 1990. To think, before that, services weren't given until the child was 5!! 5 years of services wasted. My son was "labeled" at 9 months old (but the Autism (PDDNOS) label didn't come until he was 5). He had a host of things: developmental delay, low muscle tone, feeding issues, low weight, autism, speech delay etc.

Early intervention is what "saved" him. He is now 6 and we just had his IEP meeting today and he may not even qualify for services b/c of how far he has come!! He talks my ear off despite not speaking until the age of 3. He runs all over place, despite not walking until 3. He is up to par with his school group b/c all of these services took place and he was given the tools to get where he needed to be.

He also had plenty of time to just be a kid. I don't feel that being identified or receiving any services got in the way of him having and continuing to have a great childhood. I think they only helped!! So, as far as you pleading your case to your husband, explain to him that this is to help her, not hurt her. I hate all the negative stigma around Sped or any services b/c they are designed to help.

I guess I never thought about how I was a single mom and didn't have to worry about a spouse disagreeing to the appointments my son went to. That must be challenging and I wish you the best of luck!! Keep doing what you can for your little one!!! Best Wishes! :-)

It sounds like he is scared and in a way does want to know. I would trust your gut and go with it. I believe in the end when he knows what is happening he'll be more open to what to do next to help your daughter. It does sound like he wants the best for his little girl.

I hope that the evaluation goes well. Wish you and your husband luck.

You should take her to the evaluation. it sounds like your husband is in denial. My granddaughter who is now 11 has autism. I knew from the time she was born that there was a problem, but I didn't say anything right away because I wanted to see how she progressed. When she was about 3 and was not talking, I told her parents that I thought she may be autistic. (There were a lot of clues!) They did not want to hear it and in fact spoke to both sets of grandparents (I am the "step" grandmother) and all of them came down on me like a tons of bricks. Could not tell me enough how she is the same as all kids her age (I already had four grandchildren so I knew she was not developing normally). It wasn't until she went to school and the teachers said there was a problem, that any of them would even consider it a possibility that there was a problem. They were all in denial and to be honest, one set of grandparents is still in denial all these years later! Some people take it personally, like it's a blemish if their children aren't perfect. Anyway, as a result my granddaughter got no help prior to entering school. If the parents had not been in denial, she could have gotten services earlier which would have helped tremendously when she entered school. Don't wait and don't get angry with your husband. Understand that is may take a minute for him to accept this, but he eventually will. In the meantime, you do whatever you need to do for your child.

You really need to talk to your spouse about this more. If you think she has any sort of delay its best to get tested early so she has more time working on it. My daughter was 3 when her speech was tested. She was a little delayed. Now with 2 years of speech therapy once a week she has mastered everything for her age and even a little beyond her age that she was having troubles with. This is her first year in kindergarten and I actually thought about pulling her out of the speech. My husband and i fortunetly had agreed on everything. It was her teacher that talked us into keeping her in until they decide to pull her out. She only goes once a week for 15 minutes and they are just working on some sounds that are geared more for 6-7 year olds. Now that i think of it the only thing that my husband and i kind of argue about is what time the kids should be in bed by!

My husband doesn't want our child labeled. IF there is a problem, it is better to know sooner and to deal with it.

Yes,yes, and yes. My husband sounds like yours. When my son, at two wasn't talking, ( after months of asking my hubby what he thought, and he just said to let him be, he is fine,etc) I had him evaluated. My husband was upset about it, but his own mother, a teacher, was the one who advised me to get the evaluation in the first place. He also didn't buy the whole speech and language delay. He says that he knows his son, etc. Anyways, when we came in for the evaluation findings, he showed more of a concern. He now is our sons biggest advocate, and also makes sure he isn't labeled, nor treated any differently. He is still cautious with all of our sons therapists, however, has gained more of an appreciation for them, and has seen their commitment to our son. My son is now a confident, vibrant, happy, and talkative 7 year old. Of course, my husband says it is because of his excellent parenting skills. But we both know that we couldn't have done this by ourselves.

When my mother in law came to me, and told me her concerns, I told her about her own sons reservations. She told me that sometimes mothers have to do take charge, and that I know my child more then anyone else. I grew him inside of me, and gave birth to him. No one else can say that, and I should go with my own instincts. Your husband will eventually understand and respect your decision. Mine did.

Well I go the fence my self on letting them be and getting it checked. On speech. When my daughter was in 3rd grade and had lost her 2 front teeth, teacher said she had a speech issue. I thought she was crazy. Two missing front teeth of course she can't talk right. 4th grade teeth came in and friends asked if she was from England. LOL. Teacher was right. Ok 5th grade we decide to try this new private school. Director wanted to know if we ever got her the speech grant thing they were passing out in public school. It would have cut her tuition a good deal. So here we are live and learn. She isnt that bad and is doing a lot better but really if we had just checked it out even if we didn't believe the teacher we could have been better off. Not sure if Cali offers the speech grant (can't remember the real name). So I say test her privately not through the school and if it works out that she does then let the school test if they have a grant and if not you know and the other kids in the school do not need to find out.

Here is something you need to know. They cannot diagnose autism in a child that young, especially if it is mild autism.

We knew something was up with Andy but the doctors told us work on the symptoms don't worry about the label. That is the best advice I can give you.

We didn't get Andy's "label" until he was almost 7. A good thing too. There are a lot of kids who are misdiagnosed because the parents pushed for the label only to find out it was something different. The initial diagnosis stays with the child regardless of what is found out later.

I just read the post about the labels being needed. Until they are in grade school you do not need the labels to get services. There must be a need. In kindergarten he needed a label, I went with ADD since we knew he had that. Like I said before as long as they are getting services, intervention, working on what is wrong, speech, motor skills, what ever, there really is no need to label. Start with parents as teachers if you haven't already. They put me in touch with first steps, though I am not sure if they have them in every state.

I guess I am saying push for services, not labels. It is a win win for your daughter.

Clearly your mother's instinct is that there is something requiring further evaluation, and it seems that he has been in agreement with you to some extent, but you could be exactly right: he may be afraid to find out it's something "worse" (that being something other than what he's accustomed to - some people are going to jump up & down on me about this, but a lot of men prefer to stick their heads in the sand about health issues - "if you ignore it, it'll go away." I'm not labeling all men, just most of the ones I know.). You will have to get him on the same page, compassionately, but you know there's something a little "off" & need your mind to be able to settle on something specific, particularly if it is something that, with a little therapy of some kind, can be maintained at status quo or even improved. Autism may be on the severe side of what you're witnessing, but a touch of Asperger's can resemble the autistic features people think of (& there's a huge spectrum there). An evaluation will either steer you toward therapies that will be beneficial, or reassure you that what you're seeing is common, maybe "just a stage", & nothing at all is needed - maybe that's what your husband needs to hear.

And no, my husband & I do not agree on everything pertaining to raising our kids (e.g., I think they s/b in bed earlier than he does, & I think 1 son needs shots whereas my husband thinks that's a drastic step).

Best wishes to you -

Let me just tell you...I work with ASD/SPD children and ALL the dads were and some still are in denial! It's just their M.O. A tiny delay now will be a HUGE learning challenge later. Do what you need to do.
Never take your child to a psychiatrist though. All they will do is give drugs. Get into OT and speech with a sensory integration specialist! Also check out masgutovamethod.com

I completely understand. When my son wasn't pointing or saying words at 16 months, mu husband would say 'you just want something to be wrong". Of course I don't want anything to be wrong with my child, but I didn't want to stick my head in the sand either. My son and I went to the initial EI evaluation alone. They referred us back for a more complete evaluation. I had my husband go to that one. There the professionals could point out the things that they were looking for that he wasn't doing yet. It really helped him to see that others could see a difference and it wasn't in my head. We left the meeting still really confused though. They told us that my son had red-flags for autism. What does that mean???! We've come to discover that they usually won't diagnose a child that young with autism, they look for the behaviors and get you help with the behaviors. What I'm trying to say is don't worry about a label, just get your child the help she needs now.

Ugh. Tough place.
Men are so much more often wanting to just "tough it out" or either not wanting to admit there may be "a problem".... I don't know why that is, but it often does seem to be the dads that are the last to want to know. I think there are a lot that just don't want to have to deal with anything, and then there are some that are skeptical of any diagnosis b/c so many things are diagnosed (meaning, OVER diagnosed) to the point that it calls any borderline diagnosis into question over whether it is legitimate. It's part of dads's innate system to defend their kids and make their kids grow into independent beings, and part of moms' innate systems to nurture them. One way of looking at "defending" them, is not allowing them to be labeled or have any designation that could be construed as "something wrong". For the nurturing moms, we just want to "HELP" no matter what the problem is. For men, often helping means the kids learning to deal with their problems and struggle THROUGH and OVERCOME them. For moms, we want to find a way to alleviate it or do the work part FOR them. (yes, those are examples of a bit of extreme, but just to highlight the "how" of how we parents often see the same thing through different lenses).
Wish I knew how to ease the conflict.

I think it's not unusual for paretns to be in denial that something could be wrong. After all, if you don't have her evaluated then you can decided that it's "just a little speech delay" or some other phase they will grow out of.

I think it's really good that you're following through with testing. It *is* better to know, and the earlier the better in case you need early intervention or some other services. And if it's nothing, well, then you know that too, and you move forward.

I agree with you... I think you're husband is scared. It's a really normal reaction. Good luck. I hope your eval. goes well.

My husband and I are pretty much on the same page about things too, but when he got back from a 6 month deployment a lot had changed and when we disagreed we talked it through and I made him understand why I wasright. :) since I'd been with them.
I also don't have a child with delays, but I heard an interview on NPR with a lady who had a child with autism that wast diagnosed u til he was 5 and she said she wished she wouldnt have ignored the signs and they would have diagnosed it earlier because they could have worked on some o his issues when he was younger.

Some people have a hard time admitting that their children has some sort of delay or developmental milestone they need professional help acheiving. Just make sure he is aware that any help she receives will only help her succeed and progress... so she can have that happy childhood he dreams of.

I am in the same boat at home. I am the fixer type and my husband is the wait and see. When it comes to our children, wait and see is not an option. While my husband may not agree with me and thinks I over react at times, he would NEVER say no, we are not going to whatever…. If he did, I would override him and do it anyway for the safety and wellness of the babies. I have a 1 year old that has some sort of genetic disorder, we just don’t know what it is, yet. She has a genetic dr., a urologist and now a cardiologist. We are in a state funded program to assist her with her developmental delays. My husband says that everything is going to turn out just fine and they will soon tell us there is nothing wrong. But I am not waiting for them to tell us that but being proactive rather than reactive. Go with your gut and if your husband doesn’t agree that is his problem. Good luck!