Do You and Your Husband Make Time for Each Other?

Wow - tough one. The short answer is yes, the two of you should WANT to spend some time together. It's my belief that a happy marriage means we spend some of our time together and some time doing our own thing (that could mean seeing a friend once in a while or maybe having a hobby or something that one person enjoys doing without the other person). I don't think it's healthy to be attached at the hip so to speak all the time. Women need some face to face time. For us, it's maybe 15 min to 1/2 hour of talking time after dinner. Doesn't happen every day but happens most days and we both feel disconnected if we miss it. Did this come naturally for my husband - NO. However, after my daughter was born I really craved that adult conversation and he learned to do that with me. I think he enjoys it (most of the time anyway).

So if your husband's answer is - can't I just do what I want to do - then I'm thinking he doesn't realize that in a marriage NOBODY gets to do what they want to do 100% of the time. That's called being an adult and being in a healthy relationship where we both want what's best for the other person. I explained my need for the face to face time with my husband something like - honey, I love being married to you and talking to you. I really need some adult conversation and I want to know what's going on with you on a daily basis. If I get that 15 minutes to reconnect with you after dinner, then I feel happy and connected and later on when you want to be physical (you know what I mean), I'll be in a much better place emotionally to be ready for that. Sounds simple? Well, it's made a huge difference for us and honestly, that's what I need. Women want to be emotionally connected (talking) before being physically connected (sex). Wish more men would figure that out or at least have it explained to them.

Don't know what approach will work for you, but you have to try to explain it in a way that doesn't seem confrontational to him. He may need more "alone" time than you do and that's fine but you have to help him understand that you need at least some together time. Best of luck to you.

My husband and I always decide if the evening is going to be a night where we 'do our own thing' or spend it together. We usually do a few hours of hanging out, then a few hours of alone time. Some nights, like tonight, I'm on computer and reading while he is on xbox. Tomorrow night, is going to be hang out night, we rotate about every other night, and it's wonderful.

I hope you can do this eventually, it really isn't healthy to drift apart. Why else be married if you aren't going to date each other and spend time together?

I tend to disagree with Tracy a bit though, in that "women need more attention than men". It's opposite for us. I can be fine being more independent, but my husband needs tons of attention. It's just personality differences.

Here was my first thought. "Why are you ignoring me?" is a very different question than, " i just rented the A-Team movie, do you feel like watching it with me once the kids go to bed tonight?" Not sure that is how you phrase it, but I hope you see what i mean.
Second I have to fall back on the whole, what did you two enjoy doing when you were dating. but from my personal experience, that is a stupid question, I can't even remember what we did, it couldn't have been that hugely fun.
I'm guessing he is a introvert and you basically respect that but would like "Some" time together. Try reading the Five Love Languages, try nicely asking for 5 minutes before he heads off to do this own thing. and hang in there,
Honestly, i don't see very many of these "i married my bff" in my social group. I think alot of couples with young kids are off in their own directions most of the time. Not that that is great, just what I see.

Sometimes the more we push the faster they run. They Like the cat n mouse chase. Sad but true. I am not sure if this will help or not and many women are against this book, but the proper care and feeding of men by crazy dr. Laura has been very helpful to so many women. Sounds like your at your last ditch effort. Give it a try. I am really sorry. I would definitely lay off, especially with talks. Men, especially those with PTSD don't always do well with talks. Good luck!

I am so sorry! I know that can be hard when all you want is a little attention. Normal? Depends on him, has he always been this way? Is this a change in behavior or the norm for him?
I wouldn't talk to him about it, use actions. If he's at the computer desk, come up behind him and rub his neck and back. If he's watching tv on the couch just snuggle up. If he's in the garage, go out there and start working on something too or offer to help clean up. If he askes what you're doing say, "I just want to spend time with you sweetie!" Your actions will speak louder than any words!

Your marriage sounds normal to me, which works for me but others might consider it dysfunctional. I'm busy, my husband is busy, this isn't Jr. High and I neither want nor need one on one time with him everyday. We might hang out in the same room doing our own thing if we have some downtime. For example, we are both working right now on our computers - I'm waiting for a program to run - and the Oscars are on in the background, and we'll toss a comment back and forth every few minutes if something interesting happens. If my husband tried to force 1:1 time with me when I had my own agenda and plans to do something else, I'd get pretty annoyed and wonder why he's being clingy and needy and can't find something productive to do.

If it really bugs you, read up on the 5 love languages and see if that sheds any light on your differences and what you can do to bridge the gap.

Wow, I had to check and make sure that I didn't post that in my sleep! Same boat. I am there for him, and he would so rather not hear about my day or talk about anything that isn't necessary. He is great is so many other areas that I have opted not to make issues of it, but share your same desires for a little bit more. I am teaching the kids to ask me how my day was etc, and just talking when he is around, just so he can start to see how it should be. He was not raised by wolves, but he would be happy if no one ever talked about feelings, ever.

i believe there should be a happy medium.
couples SHOULD spend time together to talk, catch up, be intimate etc. they cannot grow together without that time. my husband and i try to have at least ONE date a week. we get a sitter and go out and do something together whether its take a walk or go on a hike, out to eat or to the comedy club etc.

my husband would rather we do more, which is spend time together EVERY day. just sitting together on the couch, go to movies, watch tv together, have a drink outside on the porch etc etc. HE is usually the one who wants to spend more time together and im usually wanting space.

each person has their own "love language".
you should check out that website (also there is a book on it).

your love language could be "time spent" and your husband's love language could be something totally different like "gifts recieved" or "words of endearment" etc.

the two of you have to learn what each other's love language is, and get outside of your own comfort zones and try and make each other happy (and that means for him to get his butt out of the garage once in a while and hang out with you) and you, vice versa, to realize he needs his space and not bug him about it... and in that place just leave him a little gift or nice encouraging note on his work bench or something.

the more you both do for each other, the more you both will WANT to do for each other. make sense?

bc the more you both do for each other... that means you both will be getting more.

I think it sounds pretty "normal" though the important thing is what YOU think. If you need more together time I think following some of the advice you got here is a good start. My husband almost always each do our own thing but we are both hugely busy, working more than full time with a little one so that's just life now. but I know all women wouldn't find that satisfactory. Good luck!

My husband always makes time for me and if we have been busy and have not had time to be alone, we both are a bit stressed and you can tell. When my husband is out of town he calls me morning, dinner, then bedtime. we don't get date night so on Saturdays we rent a movie, get a bottle of wine, feeds the kids early and then we eat alone before our movie. during the week he likes to play his video games and I like to play on the computer and catch up on my dvr shows so after about 30 mins of us talking, he goes upstairs. I think that your husband's PTSD is probably a part of the issue but I would not say it is a 'red flag' but I would say that it probably won't change. how was he when you were dating? do you have children? I think that if he gets mad at you when you bring it up, it may have to do with the PTSD and he doesn't know how to show his emotions. You can 'try' to suggest counseling but if it were me I would sit him down, ask him not to get mad at you, and tell him that it is truly hurting you and that you are 'lonely and bored'. Explain to him that you are trying to let him know how you feel and you are coming to him first. he needs to know how serious you are. If things don't change I would take myself out to the garage or upstairs with him, bring a magazine or book and sit right next to him! :o)

Back to your question-"do you and your husband make time for each other?" Answer-hell no!-we are total opposites and devise ways not to be alone together! Snap out of it, Sweetie-you're fabulous!

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time with this. And I do see a lot of marriages where people tend to do their own thing a lot and it doesn't bother them, but that's not my experience. Whether or not it's a red flag though, in my eyes, depends on whether it's a change or if it has always been like this. I know that in my first marriage, we did a lot of our own thing, going out to participate in our own activities, but we made a point of spending at least 2 nights a week focusing on us, either going out or staying in. We didn't have any children, so it was much easier to do that. As things got more stressful (we were trying to have a baby and went through fertility treatments, which are extremely high stress) he wanted to spend less and less time with me, and more and more time with others or doing his own thing. As our relationship broke down, he became more and more resentful of time spent with me. I'm sure it was because of the problems we were having rather than the cause, but I know if my husband started acting like that it would set off all sorts of flashing red lights for me because of my past. Now, my husband and I spend a lot of time together. It's more difficult sometimes, because we have 3 children, and we're busy and somewhat sleep deprived, and often that means that time together is snuggling on the couch with a cup of tea and watching an episode of whatever series we're in the middle of after the kids are in bed, but it also means other stuff. For example, last night we made a costume together for him to wear at a convention this weekend, and we've done some huge creative projects together. I know that we're far off on one end of the spectrum in that we both crave time together, and so we're very well matched that way. Don't get me wrong -- we do things apart sometimes, but it's the exception rather than the rule.

There is a huge range of "normal." There is nothing intrinsically wrong with what is happening in your relationship unless it makes you unhappy. If it's making you unhappy, then something has to change. I suggest that, when you talk to him, instead of making it about him -- " I feel like you're ignoring me" -- make it about you -- "I feel lonely and need some companionship." You can find more about this style of communication (called "nonviolent communication" ) at https://www.cnvc.org/

Good luck.

I totally feel for you. That's got to be NOT fun at all!

A few questions come to mind. How long have you been married and how many little ones do you have in the house? Is this the first marriage for one or both of you? Plus, how long since he returned from the military? Those ALL could be factors.

If I read your snippets correctly, from other Mamasource responses of yours, you have 2 step-kids and 3 of your own (I'm guessing with him). If so, you folks have a lot on your plates just with your family. Do you know anything about how his first marriage broke up? Is there any chance he's scared your marriage is on the rocks, especially if you're having arguments about spending time together?

I'm 51, married for almost 19 years to a man I've known for 32 years. We love each other dearly, but it hasn't been easy. We've had our ups and our downs throughout the years. We dated for 5 years, were apart for 7 years, then reconnected and married a year later. Sometimes I need more from him than he can give, sometimes the situation reverses. But you know what, when I come right down to it, it's been worth the joys and frustrations. I've learned so much throughout the years.

When I think of the rocky spots, one time in particular comes to mind. We'd been married roughly five years about then. I remember getting to the point of thinking about divorce. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. And yet, we actually have a pretty good marriage for all of its bumps along the way. But that night, the topic of divorce finally came out in a LONG discussion/argument.

Truth be told, that was NOT what I wanted. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted a husband. But whenever we talked we bumped into dead-ends. Finally, I'd had enough. I didn't start out the conversation expecting to talk about us and divorce. We were actually talking about a couple who surprised us when he left his wife. They had been in counseling and she thought things were improving. But he had already checked out emotionally. We knew her and we were a bit blindsided by the news.

My husband mentioned how he couldn't believe someone wouldn't see the train wreck coming if they were paying attention. I responded that sometimes I see a train wreck of our own coming and I don't think he is aware of that. And he wasn't. It shook him.

A long conversation ensued till the wee hours of the morning. We both talked about what a divorce would look like for us. What did being a couple mean? What did we hope and dream for as a family? How were we meeting those or not?

It was one of the hardest conversations we have ever had. And it was one of many positive turning points for us. It created its own pain because the big D word was out there in the open. But in the same context, I told him that's NOT what I wanted. It was a scary time. It was full of emotion. But it was also honest and cut through a shell that we were using to protect our feelings.

I say this all, because if your husband has had a marriage that failed before, there may be all sorts of things swirling around in his head. Add PTSD, regardless of it's severity, and that could add another layer. Add kids to the mix (any age) and a couple can be pulled even further apart.

There are times, even in a good marriage, that are rocky. The "normal" versus the "red flag" comes out in the discussions. It sounds like your husband isn't ready to talk. Are you ready to wait for him to be ready?

Neither my husband nor I have PTSD per se, but I've dealt with depression on and off for years and we both have our own dysfunctional tendencies from life. Isn't everyone dysfunctional in one way or another? Truly...if we're honest? One person's dysfunctional is another person's normal sometimes.

I'm not saying you have to wait until he's ready to talk all the time. But do you have any guess what his thinking is? Have you asked? Or has he just heard your side of what you've told him?

Sometimes I think my husband would be happy as a clam being on a deserted island, where he could just read internet news all day. Only part of me is kidding. He's a total news junkie. But truth be told, I suppose I'm a Mamasource junkie. Both are satisfying to us. Both serve as an outlet for us.

Some friend's husbands feel that tinkering is their down time, their own personal time. For some, that's when they work out their thoughts and feelings (some are aware of this, others aren't). For others, that's a total ESCAPE from their thoughts and feelings (some are aware of this as well, others aren't). For even others, it can be both at different times.

I knew I needed more interaction with my husband to feel the relationship was worth it. But it took some getting used to. We had to work at spending time together. It didn't just happen. At first, he was just doing it to appease me after that discussion. Eventually, we learned to like and be natural together again. But it took some work, and didn't always succeed.

It's blurred a bit through the years, but I think the toughest years of our marriage were at 5, 7, 13, and 15. I have no data to say that's normal for many couples. It's just my experience. Those years coincided with our son being roughly 1, 3, 9, and 11. This year, at almost 19 years of marriage and our son at 14, we still can be stinkers to each other. But deep down we're still interested in making it work. (I may eat my words some day, but I don't think so.)

I know it's frustrating to have your husband bark at you when you bring up this subject. See if there is any way you can present it to not put him on the defensive.

After our big D conversation years ago, we took a couples class at a nearby parenting resource center. It was helpful. It helped us both to see the other's point of view more. It wasn't the end-all and be-all, but it did help.

Years later, my individual counselor told me she didn't think she could do anything more for me unless my husband was willing to work on some issues together. She wouldn't be our couples counselor because she felt it would compromise my individual counseling, but she was willing to meet with us a couple times.

We ended up doing couples counseling with someone else in her office. He wasn't thrilled but he did it. In the end, that episode was a total bust. Both of us decided it wasn't helping. Fortunately, we both felt the same way. Although it helped in some small ways, overall it wasn't worth continuing.

A couple years later, we found another person who worked with us much better. In fact, we included our son in part of it because it was more of a family dynamic more than anything that was the challenge. It helped us immensely.

Why am I saying all this? I guess to emphasize the fact that relationships can be many layers. It took lifetimes to build who we are as individuals. And it takes a lifetime to build a family that is independent and interdependent in a way that feeds us and satisfies us.

You never know, you may find out, through a "marriage encounter weekend" or through other avenues, that you both have a lot going well as a couple. But be careful of psychoanalyzing your hubbie too much. Your last few sentences of your "So what happened?" response sound like you're sure you know what healthy communication is. I've been there and done that. Just be open to learning something yourself.

I don't have any answers for you. But asking the right questions can take you to a different spot in life. Hopefully it will be better. But only time and effort will tell the full story...and a lot of patience.

Good luck!

Yikes Robin M, that is no fun. Isnt your husband supposed to be the first one (or one of the first ones) that you want to spend time with?

I know that we as women need more attention then our husbands do. But, my husband and i still love each others company. We take baths together, have drinks together, sit by the firepit together, play silly games together at least 3 or 4 nights a week.

There is a certain point that a man needs their own space. I think your husband is to the extreme though. Have you tried to sit and talk with him about this? Do you guys have anything in common that you can do together at least 2 times a week?

I have been with my husband since i was 16, i am now almost 34. I am not an expert on anything in life. I feel like i am pretty darn good at the relationship thing though. We had our first baby at 18, second at 19 and then 2 more in our twenties. Statistically, we should not have made it this long.

I have been critisized (sorry my spelling stinks!) on here for proudly pronouncing our sex life. I make no apologies.... i feel that is a big part of a happy marriage. Men need to feel wanted and loved. The equate that with sex. When they are happy they really do give back... in their own little ways :)

I really do think that you and your husband need to find something in common. Remember what made you love each other in the first place. I hope that you can reconnect the spark. It is not just you, he needs to want to reconnect that spark to. I wish you lots of luck and happiness :)

My suggestion is that you make an appt every day , same time of day to spend 30 -60 mins together. Like an assigned time. Sometimes it is hard with busy schedules to really take care of everyone. That way if he thinks your nagging to spend time, it is just in the schedule. The Love Language book is a great book to read. Even if your not Godly. It gives a couple an opportunity to learn what their love lang is. If yours is spending time together, then this is a suggested way to begin that new "need" to be met. It starts out as an appt and then becomes a part of life. So give it some time with a new "idea" and see if it changes a bit. If it does not, may consider counsoling. Good luck.

H., I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to warn you, though, that Dr. Laura will just tell you to shut up, put up and put out.

Please do the marriage encounter weekend. This is something that your hubby needs to work on too, not just you reading a book to figure out how you can change so that he will like you.
HE needs to realize that it's not all about him. Absolutely do something together, and see if you can get him to attend counseling together.

Tell him that your heart is hurting and that you are miserable. It's not normal for a husband to be like this. My husband loves spending time with me and I don't have to jump through Dr. Laura's hoops to gain his affection.

Counseling!!!! I hope things get better for you. HUGS!

I'm so sorry :-( I'm not currently married BUT I agree with you and yes a husband should WANT to spend time with his wife. you are supposed to marry your best friend right?