DO You? - Oklahoma City,OK

Oh, no!

It is sooooo much easier/ happier being a single parent than it was living with my husband!!!

I really can't highlight the difference enough.

I know some people say it's harder to be a single parent than to be married, I've found the opposite to be true.

Put everything aside and take care of the children-be the best mother you can be-and don't worry about anything/anyone else-SO NOT WORTH IT! If people want to change-they will make an effort-especially for the mother of their children. You continue to be the bigger person-those children are counting on you!

Forget about everything you are complaining about. How about the dating profile and people telling you he's cheating? I'd get to the bottom of that before I took my next breath.That's your real problem! Don't be naive.

ETA: After reading your SWH - if people are stating your husband is cheating - great - give me proof. You found a dating profile...were you on the site looking for dates as well? Not trying to be mean - playing devils advocate...or did you find it in his computer?

If he denies cheating - does he have time to cheat? Does he come home late with no excuses? Does he do things that MAKE YOU think he's cheating?

However, that he denied it - that would make me kick his butt to the curb. How did someone else GET YOUR PICTURE THEN JERK???? would've been my question!!! Why you didn't do kick him to the curb then, is beyond me.

If he is cheating - is he still getting sex from you? If so - I hope it's protected sex. Sorry - but my ex didn't think anything would happen to him...i didn't love or respect him enough to stay around to find out if he was going to give me anything.

So you need to find out if you will be better off with or without him. ONLY YOU can make that decision...can the trust be rebuilt? do you even want the trust to be rebuilt? SSSSOOOO many questions!!

original post!

MM

In my first marriage I did.

With Bob? No, not often. My husband is a VERY hands on, dedicated dad.

Start working on your communication. I'm sorry your relationship is a downer. Start doing things that you did when you were dating and fell in love.

As to taking a shower alone? I don't know how old your children are, but it is OKAY to set boundaries and limits with your kids. When mine were young - I would put them in their crib and take a shower. Once they were older? Yeah - bad mom here - told them to watch Sesame Street or something like that while I took my shower.

Get yourself a schedule. Make a list of what you need to do during the day - that really helps.

If your husband won't start talking - then start leaving him notes or e-mailing him. I know - it's not the best - but it's a start. Tell him you want your marriage to survive and thrive and not just exist. That we MUST WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE - here are my expectations. What are yours?
No, it's not easy. It's not simple. It's a give and take, compromise. You guys are supposed to be a team.

Good luck

You mention that you suggested counseling and he said no.

So you just let it drop? Please don't!

Get counseling for yourself, alone, NOW. You need a third party, someone outside your marriage and someone who is not a friend or relative, to help you get some outside perspective. If he won't come, too bad; he's trashing his own marriage by not participating. But you can help yourself even if he won't help you as a couple.

Please, find a therapist or counselor now and discuss not just the "I'm an overworked SAHM" aspect but the much bigger issue you did not mention until your "So what happened" addition: You suspect he is cheatiing on you. A counselor may be able to help you work out why you are taking this treatment from him and why you have not stood up to him about the profile or these rumors of cheating. He sounds extremely "checked out" of your marriage and ready for it to end, if he's talking to his friends about how one of you will eventually leave.

See a professional, and meanwhile, look at your finances and house situation and think ahead to how you would cope if you do break up.

MM, I'm sorry you are having this problem.

Cheryl O is the first poster and has some good ideas.

You can be pro-active or wait and hope something good happens. I suggest being pro-active. Watch the movie "Fireproof" with your husband. Then get the companion manual to the movie, "The Love Dare" and follow its instructions. I have followed the "Love Dare" for over 13,000 days now and it has helped smooth over some rough spots. Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will help you understand him better. Then get him to read it. It will help him to understand you better. Almost all women either love or hate the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Most of the "haters" can't get past the title. The book helped my marriage so much I bought a copy for all my married children. The book is written about 75% for women and 25% for men. Once you read the book you will understand why.

Some men are hands on fathers and some aren't. My dad was a hands off father. He taught me to be a hands off father. Fortunately, my wife was patient and taught me to be more hands on. I wish I had been more hands on from the begining. I would have had a better relationship with my kids from the beginning. AND I would have had and better relationship with my wife.

BTW, I filled out a profile for a website about 20 or so years ago that I thought was going to be like mam-pedia. About three days later I received a very provacative letter form a woman that wanted to go on a date with me. I told her I was happily married and wasn't dating, but thank you for the offer. She replied almost immediately and asked why I filled out the "dating" profile. I found the "profile" and deleted all the information on it even though I couldn't just delete the "profile". I never told my wife and I felt really stupid for not recognizing it for what it was. That's why I read mam-pedia for about 4 months before I ever signed up. I didn't want a repeat of that fiasco.

Good luck to you and yours.

What you are going through was me for 14 years. I had a husband who had his own life, he brought home a check but I felt like a single mom all the time. Not telling you what to do, just telling you what I did......got divorced. I knew for a long time that he was not my soul mate and we lived entirely seperate lives. I am sure he kept me around because of what all I did for him. I was a good wife. I am a good mom. We both got complacent in our relationship. Now I have a man who loves me and shows he loves me. We are expecting our first baby in August. Life is absolutely wonderful! My 2 kids are happy. They see their dad every other weekend. To truly be happy is an awesome feeling. On the other hand, communication is the key to any relationship. Your husband is going to have to listen to you or you will get so miserable that divorce will happen with the two of you. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. I know it is hard, my ex and I never communicated. I will pray for you!

I would sit your husband down and tell him that he either listens to what you have to say or you are taking your children and going to stay away until he learns how to communicate. Of course, try asking nicely first. I think although he knows how you are feeling, he needs to REALLY know....some men think they can take advantage of their wives if they will allow it. Don't allow it.

I think all parents (both mothers and fathers, working and nonworking) feel that they are alone. However, that's not the answer to your question or your problem.

You marraige has some very serious issues and you need to take some action immediately if there's even a tiny bit of hope of it working. If he won't go to counceling, go by yourself. Communication works both ways, so start communicating, talk to him even if he doesn't talk back Try writing him notes.

Do something for yourself. Find something you enjoy to get you out of the house without the kids (either hire a babysitter or go when he's home).

You can try those things, but here's the way I see it. He's already looking for someone else to replace you (dating profile). That tells me that he no longer wants a relationship with you. It's time to prepare yourself when he does decide to leave. Get a job so you'll have a way to support yourself and your children.

Good luck to you.

Hi M.M,
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I would first suggest that you try to get out of the house, and go out with some of your friends. Sometimes just a dinner out with some girlfriends can get you to feeling better. I think we all feel cooped up and alone sometimes. As for your husband, i think you need to do the same with him. Start up a date night for once a month. Get a babysitter, and try to get your husband talking once again. Maybe he feels like being at home is hum drum, just like you are feeling. You have got to communicate with him, if you don't want this to get worse. You never know, just going out and being alone together may do the trick. Good luck to you.

Sounds like you need to figure out what you need and ask for it from the father of your children who happens to live with you He may feel that he is the "breadwinner" and your "job" is the house/kids and taking care of him but he is also their Dad He should take time out if not daily, several days a week to read to his kids, engage them in a conversation at their age level and do an activity with them. If he is unwilling to do any of this, it is time for you to explore what you need to keep sane, clean and be able to be at the top of your game for your kids. It could be as simple as joining a gym that has a childcare area and showers. Work out don't but the point is you get your shower when you go. Or if you prefer, start working part time and get childcare for that period of time and possibly a bit more to give you adult time your not getting in your relationship. You may need to figure out how to reconnect with DH or decide if the relationship is helping or hindering your happiness in life. Remember the kids feel it if your not happy.

So here is my advice...I need to take my own. Find out what will make you happy and it will be easier to make your kids and possibly your husband happy. Good luck.

I think your addition said it all ... pack some bags and leave for a friends house or hotel or something - heck you could just pack him a bag. Look for a job, file for divorce and move on. This is not a marriage, it is not a family; you are his maid and nanny for his children. Harsh sounding maybe but it's time to move on.

I know how you feel. I'm home 24/7 with three kids, my husband always travels and the relationship is going south. I don't really mind, I'm so used to doing everything alone.
In your case, REALLY, you NEED to kick him out. Like ASAP. Right now he is feeling like you are a burden and he's searching elsewhere BECAUSE you're THERE doing everything for him, and he's comfortable even if not happy. He MIGHT want to stay with you forever and cheat, or he might be looking for a different person to be with (probably the first option).
Rip that comfortable rug right out from under him and THEN maybe he'll consider therapy after a few cold months on his own. If not, at least you'll be on your way to a better future. So sorry for your sadness, but this is his fault, not yours, and he wont' change while he has all his cake and eats it too.

I dot know if it is about a parent burn out or about a cheating...
Anyway, if you feel burned out- use some of his money, get a sitter and get some balance into your life. Your relief does not have to come from him. For a cheating, I do not have a ready advise, sorry.

I urge you to go to counseling so that you can find a way to feel better. Counselors have good suggestions, too.

Besides the usual male type resistance to counseling, your husband thinks he doesn't need counseling because he's already moved on. Unless he's changed since you found the dating profile he has another one. He's just better at keeping it hidden.

If he's away from home for long hours, doesn't come home at a reasonable time every night, he has someone on the side. I speak from experience. I suggest that this is an issue you must consider and talk about with your counselor, unless you're willing for your marriage to continue as it is.

In the meantime you MUST have some time for yourself. I second Jennifer D.'s suggestion. Choose a night for you. Then leave the house if you have to. Perhaps take a course at the Community College or join a gym. I like to just eat out and wander the mall. I did this when I was married and it helped me and the way I felt. Didn't change my husband but helped me feel better about life.

I am pretty much a single parent, yet I am married with a nice husband, only that he travels for work most of the year, sight.
It gets very lonely, and stress full to be the good and bad cop, no "wait until dad comes" in here, and on top of that he comes "tired" from working and travel during the week.
So yeah, on that side I feel your pain.
However, I think that you have other deeper problems with your husband, and a poor communication. That adding to you being tired and feel unapreciated is affecting your marriage and you enjoying staying at home with your kids.
Unfortunately, is so hard (IF) to change somebody else, the best you can do is to have a serious (no fighting but firm) to your husband about your concerns, what you expect from him, etc (try not using "you" but more "I" as instead of "you" never listen, "I" feel lonely. After the talk take care of your self, you don't need his permission to take a break when you need one, he is not the only person in the world that can help you with your kids, and you are not a bad mom for wanting/needing a time away for your self.
Is not your job to change your husband but is your responsability to make sure you are happy human.
Best wishes.

I don't care if someone is a SAHM or SAHD, everyone deserves a break from the kids or you'll cross into the looney bin sooner than expected.
First, claim a night to yourself. Tell your husband you want say Thursday night off. That means you don't have to cook, do dishes or watch the kids. Thats your night but it may mean leaving the house or spending the night in your room.
Second, get all your friends together once a week like on Friday with kids if they have too and play board games or cards or watch a movie. Have snacks. The kids can all play together.

I understand 100% how you feel. We both work and my husband does not help out AT ALL. First he takes a dump and then spends the rest of the night in his office. I won't call him down for dinner and when I would, a lot of the time his excuse was, i didn't hear you. If I had plans with my friends he wuld go biking and then I had to take my son. He would be gone doing his hobbies 5 nights a week. Now that my son is 12, he does take him places with him sometimes. I think my husband is selfish and I think is a shovenist because if we buy things for the house, he tells me what we are getting. He says its his money and he has the final say. We are re-doing our downstairs bathroom so hes like, we're taking out the shower doors and getting a curved shower rod and curtain and he wasn't nice when he said it. He didn't even ask. OH, sometimes I would go to the grocery, come home and my son would be outside in a pull-up and shirt with no socks or shoes, riding his scooter down the sidewalk. my husband would be locked in his office. Make him watch the kids while you take a shower.
I hang with my friends at someone elses house every Friday when I can. He has to watch the kiddo. Take a stand.

You need to find a Mothers Day Out program and find some hobbies to help you stir your mind. The time where you are able to go and buy groceries, go to the doc, take a nap, etc...is priceless. I always did scrapbooking when I could get a few minutes.

I would start making plans also, and leave him no choice but to have to watch the kids. Maybe plan some date nights for the 2 of you and get a babysitter in advance. You need to start trying, and if all is lost on him, well then maybe you need to suggest counseling? But i would take baby steps and try a date night, and try making plans for yourself, and have him get more involved. You do need a break, or else you'll go mad!

And i did the bad mom thing too- had the 18 month old in her crib and told the 3 year old to watch wonder pets and took the quickest shower on record. Try maybe showering in the evenings, and see if that works for you.

I know this way of life. I became a single parent, working full time, and living with my husband when he became depressed.

I did everything. It's no way to live really.

I hope it gets better for you.