Okay, this may seem trivial but I am struggling here.
My step son is 14 and until Thanksgiving, he lived with me and his dad since he was 7.
His dad has awful back problems which has progressed over the past 2 years and he finally was scheduled for surgery last Thrusday. So Wed, we talk to my step son and let him know that we will be at the hospital the next day and I aksed him to call me when he is done at school so I can let him know how his daddy is. Well, 2 hours after he should have called, he finally did, and said that he left his phone in the car while they went shopping. When I tell him how successful the operation was and that daddy is already walking better than he had in over a hear, and that today was a good day, which we havent had in a while, he said, well I am glad someone had a good day and started griping about the weather.
OKay, I know he is 14 and he is out of state and hasnt been around but he knows how much pain dad was in understands that your spinal cord is involved in a back surgery.
I am just so mad at him for acting just totally blowing everything off while we stress and fret and wonder if we will have to install a wheelchair ramp in our house! I know he couldnt fully understand the risk factors, but your dad had surgery and you are complaining about the weather while you were shopping! GET REAL!
Thanks for listening, sometimes I think I am making excuses for him, I just dont know.
Thanks so much for the feedback. I was immedoateky upset with him and then realized he is young and in another state but then felt like I was making excuses for him. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective
K.,
I think you took it too personal. I think the age had a lot to do with it, and even though he seen his dad in pain, maybe he didn't know how bad the pain is. I'm sure he loves his dad very much and then to find out that the surgery went well, then everything is fine in his world.
Teens are just frustrating. I have always gone with the belief that you don't expect things from people and you won't be disappointed. That way when they do things "right" you are happily surprised. He's a kid just let it go.
I have a 15 year old and she is the same way, and I have spoken to others with the same age and I have to say that it is the age. They are self-absorbed at this age, unfortunately.
It's very frustrating, but when you are a teen, the world revovles around you. Being self centered comes with the territory and is something I think they have very little control of. But just because he seems self centered now, doesn't mean he will stay this way. Some day he will understand and empathize with the struggles other people are going through, but for now, he will probably continue to be frustrating for awhile.
To answer your question, NO you don't have a right to be mad. I'm sure he loves his father very much but yes, he is ONLY 14....a TEENAGER!!
Teens don't "worry" like we adults do until they have children of their own and he's a BOY and boys show their emotions much differnt then us women.
Please don't take his reaction so personal, I think it would have been a completely different reaction IF something wrong had happened but fortunately everything turned out good and he had no reason to worry. To be honest, it almost sounds like a reaction my 27 yr old husband would have to a family members surgery! : )
Again, don't take it personal, it's a typical teenager and boy reaction!
Take care.
Of course you have a right to be mad, but you are also right to remember he is 14. Fourteen year old boys are self-centered, obnoxious, and not near as self-confident as they sound. Their hormones are raging and life is scary. Without anger in your voice let him know it hurt your feelings that he wasn't more compassionate. Tell him what you want from him without laying on a bunch of guilt. Maybe you would like him to call his Dad or drop him a note, then try and let go of it.
At that age boys want to be the tough guy and they don't want anyone to know that they are scared. I bet he was/is just as stressed and worried as you are, but didn't want to show it. He could of used shopping and talking about the weather as a way to distract himself from his fear. It is frustrating, but everyone deals with stressful situations differently. This could of been his way of dealing with the fear of his dad going into surgery, and at 14, I bet he does know all the risk factors involved with surgery, adding to his fear for his dad.
My dad had cancer. When I was 14, I understood full what that he was in pain and underwent surgeries and such and even at that age I did whatever I could to alleviate excess stress for him.
Just b/c he is young and in a different state right now doesn't mean he should be so callous, esp since he lived with his dad and saw the pain he was in.
People always chalk insensitivity and lack of responsibilty to age and immaturity, but that is a major cop-out (in my opinion).
While I understand that you are upset, and he should have been more compassionate, he may have had his own fears that he cant voice. Even my hubby can be upset about something important, but struggles to talk about it, so instead, that anger or fear comes out in other..less important ways. IE...he is stressed about his relationship with one of our daughters and worries if he is doing a good job, but he says nothing. Instead, he yells at the truck that he swears just cut him off on purpose. He also may not have wanted to upset you further, or just generally does not know how to have conversation about serious matters, esp over the phone. Honestly, he could also simply be self absorbed, but I would say give him the benefit of the doubt, and if you can, encourage more conversation about it by asking him specific questions. I am glad to hear the surgery was successful, and that things will improve!! ~A.~
