Divorce/Separation Question

Do you love him?
Are you learning about recovery? Going to Alanon?
Is he actively working a 12 Step program now?
Yes, recovering addicts are often very self centered--not unusual at all.
And many marriages dissolve after a period of sobriety.
It's all different now. The dynamic has changed--no matter how duck or wrong it was--it's changed, right?

Now, the talking about financial, marital stuff in front of the kiddo--100% wrong! I agree.

I think you could work on the relationship. It's a triangle now--you/him/sobriety. But I guess only you know if you want to hang in & make it work.

If you think you have the weight of the world on your shoulders now, how are you going to feel when you no longer have him to blame? Quite serious, it gets a lot worse after divorce.

Another aspect you probably don't realize is they will give him joint custody if he wants it. The hardest part of divorce is accepting you can't protect the kids when they aren't with you.

JG - welcome to mamapedia!!

wow...this must be a hard marriage. You have a lot of anger. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Even couples counseling so that you two can learn how to communicate with each other?

You do realize, though, with kids - divorcing him isn't going to stop the problems - it's just going to change the location of the problems. These problems are NOT going to just go away if you divorce him.

He is trying to communicate with you. You are shutting him down. So he gets angry and things escalate. He is trying. You have given up. Either way though - you NEED to learn to communicate with him.

Couples counseling. Try it. EVEN IF you decide to divorce him, you will know how to communicate with each other. And *THAT* in and of itself will help the kids far more than anything else.

Write him a letter and tell him how angry you are. Tell him WHY you are angry. Let him "hear" you this way. There NEEDS to be communication - you have kids. You will always be tied to this man.

Take a step back.
Take some deep breaths.
Then make a list of the pros and cons of your marriage. The "are you better off with or without him" questions.

Then open the dialogue with him. Tell him what makes you happy about your marriage - tell him what makes you unhappy with your marriage - tell him what pisses you off about your marriage. COMMUNICATE!!! It's the hardest thing to work on a marriage, especially when you are sooo angry. Do I blame you for being angry? No. That's a lot to deal with.

Good luck!

As frustrated as you are with him, it would still be bad after a divorce. He would get at least partial custody. That means that when your kids are at his house you have no idea how he takes care of them or who is allowed around them. You think you argue now?

It's not selfish of you to want to break up your family. You have endured a lot. It is short sighted. It would be great of you could give counseling a year. That's a year of getting things off your chest. A year of him working on his issues. Find a better way of comunicating your needs. Your H might be trying to mask his own mental problems like bipolar. He needs a good therapist. As long as he goes to AA I think you should give your marriage a chance.

you realize, divorcing him won't change anything, right? you'll still get frustrated with him, only it will be worse, because when he is with the kids you WON'T be there, even worse if he hooks up with someone else (they usually do).

i suggest therapy together. rediscover WHY you married in the first place. you love him somewhere in there. he loves you too, and i believe men like this DO understand they are failing in certain areas, and they do appreciate us...they just don't have the tools to show it or realize they should.

good luck dear. short answer - imho, no, this is not divorce-worthy. you haven't tried everything. therefore there are more things (joint therapy) to try. imo, you need to work on this as a team, not separately.

ifhe just started AA and counseling, you need to giive him time to change.. it doesnt happen over night.. i think the real question is, even if he does change is it going to change all the feeling you have built up over the past years and are you going to be able to get past it?
and i feel like given that your questioning wether to divorce him or not because you will have to pay him and "is it even worth it" that you have already pretty much made up your mind... i mean if thats the only reason youre hesitatins ie because of money then im not sure why youre even stil with him
just thought id add. wildone said it very well.. seems like theres not much real communication going on here

First of all I would like to say that I do hope things get better for you. Marriage one of the hardest things I have done in my life. It is something that when its bad, it is bad. When it is good, it is good. One thing that a friend did for us was purchase tickets to go to a conference called, Laugh your way to a better marriage. It was a guy who shared the good and bad in men and women, and made us laugh so hard our faces hurt. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=laugh+your+way+to+a+b...
I just googled this and found a few youtube videos. It helped us both see the differnce see the way the other may be thinking. It also helped by my husband and I both wanted our marriage to work. I love my husband and he loves me. Now I am divorced from my 1st marriage. He too was an alcoholic. He regretted all the trouble he caused and applogized years after we both married other people. He asked if he thought we could ever get back together. Sadly as much as I loved him, and missed the life we had before it was too late.
Don't make it too late for you two. Try again and if he is willing to make the changes with you it will work. I do hope things get better for you.

I guess part of my question would be how long have you been in therapy? If you haven't been going for very long, try to give it a chance to work. See if things can get better. I'm not saying wait forever, by any means, but if you've only been going for a couple of months, try to give it a little bit more time to see if you are able to let go of some of the past anger to help deal with the present better.

Yes couples therapy. You can get over resentment but he needs to help rebuild what has been lost. You both need to be healthy on your own and then work on being healthy together.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you're in a tough spot and I so get what that feels like so I can relate.

A good book that may help you: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can also just google codependent and see if this sounds like you.

Good luck & HTH!

Go talk to a lawyer. Even if you did have to pay him spousal support, it wouldn't last for too long. And I think that he would have to pay you child support until the kids are grown.

It might be good for him to ave to live on his own and have to fend for himself in a trial separation. If he has to be with his children ALONE as well, he will see what work it is to take care of kids. And I DO think that he should have to be with the kids alone.

It is NOT good for your kids to hear you fight.

Try a legal separation first. Perhaps it will wake him up and he will want to change. If you don't deal with this, you two will end up only fighting over and over. He does not GET that this is destructive to your children. Give both of you the opportunity to understand what life will be like without each other.

Good luck,
Dawn

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, your hubby may have been sober for 3 years, but all he did was abstain from drinking, he did not "recover." It's good that he's now going to AA. He needs to get a sponsor and work the steps. In working the steps, he will start to see some of the things that you are complaining about. Once he's able to see them, then he might change them. I say "might" because I don't know him so I can't say for sure. What I can say for sure is that, if he makes an effort, he WILL see the issues.

I think therapy is a good idea, but I also think you need to couple that with AA. For you AND YOUR CHILDREN, Al-Anon.

Once you get to a meeting and hear some other stories and have an opportunity to talk with people who are going through the same thing you are, you will be in a better place to make this decision.

Good luck to you and yours!