Disrupting Daughter's Schedule

I think children need to learn be flexible and deal with change. Routine is great to have most of the time, but routine should not interfere with life.

What is the event? That would really make the difference to me.

Eg, if it's beloved Auntie Jane's 80th birthday dinner, then I would go. If it's a trip to a museum with cousins just for fun, I'd skip.

To me, it really depends on the event itself as to the advice I would give. Generally I am right with you in not missing school. As for homework, I bet you could either get her homework early and have her do it earlier in the week...one problem solved.

Do what you feel is best for your family. No explanation needed.

I agree with the comment below - that it sounds as if you really do not want to go, and using your daughter's schedule as an excuse.

If you do not wish to go, then don't. If I have mis read the situation, pick her up and have her do homework in the car on the way. Or, as was suggested, get the assignment early, and/or permission to turn it in late.

A schedule for a toddler can be important, (and even then *I* would be inclined to disrupt it for a family event)... but a first grader? Really?

Hmm.

By going, you are showing your daughter that sometimes schedules aren't as important as family. It's a good lesson.

Let's not pretend that this is about your daughter's schedule . . . you clearly are looking for an excuse not to go. Unless your daughter is special needs, at 6, she has the ability to miss a few hours of school, do her homework in the car, and be home by bedtime and not have it be earth shattering. I think that your husband has a good excuse - new job. In fact, if it was your daughter's first week of school, perhaps it would be too disruptive for her too - but it isn't. We are in month 5 or 6 of school.

She will be fine. If you don't want to go, be honest and say so. If you use your daughter's schedule as an excuse to your husband's family, you will just look like a schmuck.

Good luck.

If I don't want to go somewhere, I don't go. Period. End of discussion. If going to this event is going to make you miserable, you're not going to have a good time and most likely people will pick up on the fact that you are unhappy. If you see these relatives on a regular basis, then I see no reason to disrupt your life for one event. "I'm sorry grandma but due to our schedule, we won't be able to attend this event. But I look forward to seeing you soon". Leave it at that. You owe no one any explanations beyond that. Good luck.

I'd take her. An Iron Clad God Almighty schedule which can never be broken creates an inflexible kid who cannot cope with change nor with life not going as planned. School is very important, of course, but it's not the ONLY important thing in life. It's not like she's missing a huge final exam she can't make up and so she can't get into that college.

My guess is *you* just don't want to go. If that's the case, don't. They wouldn't want you there anyway.

:)

Your last sentences give your real reason for not wanting to attend: And it's definitelynot that I don't want to go, it's that I really believe that schedule on a school night is extremely important. We have gone to family events in the past on school nights where we came home way after bedtime and my daughter was extremely tired, which would carry into the next morning. I just don't want to do that again.

So just own up to the fact that when your daughter is out of her schedule she's tired and probably a little cranky the following day and you don't want to deal with that. It has nothing to do with what time she gets out of school or where the event is taking place. You don't want to deal with a cranky kid.

Your husband's grandmother sees life through a different lens at this point. She probably looks at family events as things she might not be around to participate in again making them precious to her. Since you are younger you view them as something you can miss and catch the next one.

Go. A child who learns that family is important and to adapt to schedule changes is a child who will be well prepared for the world. You're not talking about a 2 year old here. She is perfectly capable, I'm sure, of handling this. And first grade homework is hardly a priority - let her teacher know ahead of time and ask to either get the assignment early, or get permission to hand it in late.

Really, this sounds like an excuse to not go to something that you don't want to go to. And a pretty lame excuse at that. If you just don't want to go, then own that - don't blame it on your daughter's schedule.

You are laboring over a 1 hour drive.... that is nothing around here. No one thinks twice about t because that is jus how it goes.

How much homework does a 1st grader have?

When I read this question, I am picking up excuse after excuse to not go. If you don't want to go... don't go.

You are not "required" to do anything but die and pay taxes.

I'd go. Sounds like you don't want to go and feel "required" to go. How come? Is there more to the story than the schedule concern? I'm having a hard time getting behind that reason. My two cents: It is a smart move for your husband to not leave work early at a new job. His work responsibilities are far greater than a first grader's school responsibilities. There is no comparison to me. Apples and oranges. I appreciate that school is important but 2 hours missed in first grade seems like no big deal. I am all about family and welcome opportunities to help build my kids' bonds with members of both sides of their family. Seems like a huge blessing to me that your daughter has extended family that includes a great grandma. Grandmas have a special place in my heart. I am always telling my daughters how important grandparents are and telling them that they are so fortunate to have both sets in their lives. Don't get me wrong. I often see things differently than my in laws. It is not all rainbows but I keep my eye on the ball and support the relationships. I bet there are lots of things his grandma sees differently than you. She is from a different generation but perhaps that is part of what makes her presence valuable in your daughter's life.

You're fine either way. You see family all the time, so don't feel bad if you don't do it. Hubby's grandma can feel however she wants about everybody doing everything all the time (she has a pretty rare arrangement with that btw) but you don't need to please her 100% all the time. On the flip side, if it's a great and fun event, sometimes routines need breaking and everyone survives.

Pick an option and don't stress.

I would take her. It is important for children to learn that sometimes family is more important than school. And really it is first grade - not a big deal to miss part of a day. I am sure her teacher will be fine with a note from home stating she didn't do her homework. It really sounds like you don't want to go and are looking to your daughter as an excuse. And really you are only travelling an hour away. It's not like you are flying across the country.

I'm a big believer in letting kids have special experiences even if it means missing school or not doing homework. I don't even think first graders should have homework - enough with the long school day. We've taken kids out of school for special vacations and so on, and on occasion let them stay home when they were out late the night before. An occasional mental health day never ruined anyone's education. Neither did a late bedtime or a late arrival in school the next day.

That said, since you already see these family members every weekend, it's not a big deal to miss it. Your husband isn't even going. I guess it would matter to me what the event is - is it a major birthday like an 80th or 90th? A 50th anniversary? Someone visiting from the other side of the world? Then I would go and make it an adventure for your daughter - take her out at noon, even. But if it's just another birthday for Susie's 13th birthday or Uncle Joe's 42nd, and if you have 50 birthdays a year to deal with, then no, I think you can comfortably stay home. This is likely to continue to be a problem as your daughter gets older, and if Grandma expects every tween and teenager to miss out on homework or basketball games or proms because someone had a birthday in the family, it's going to cause resentment in your family and with your daughter.

But since you don't want to go, since this is a school night, it hasn't worked out before, and since your husband isn't going and you will have to deal with the drive and parking in rush hour traffic in Brooklyn, I'd say "So sorry, we cannot make it. I know you will understand." And stop the conversation at that point.

Well of course it's up to you whether you go or not.
I will say that I think while schedules are very good for children, so is learning how to be flexible, adaptable and go with the flow.
Rigid parents raise rigid children, lax parents raise lax children.
I try to find a healthy balance, especially when it comes to family and school.
Just my opinion.

I don't know what the event is but I get the feeling you just don't want to go. A one hour drive is not that long so she doesn't need to leave school two hours early. See if you can get the homework early or simply do it in the car. It's just a weeknight in first grade, she's not missing the SAT.

you're not 'required' to do anything you find inappropriate. you're in charge of your own family, no?
i've never had a problem disrupting a schedule because our family philosophy is that family is more important than a schedule.
that being said, not every family function is a must-do, so it would depend on just what the event was.
but ultimately i feel a kid can make up sleep (and homework) but an important event not so much. at least, that's how i feel if it's a rare occasion. if your family expects you to do this once or twice a month i'd decline.
but you clearly don't want to. so why such a need for validation? just say no.
khairete
S.

If you don't want to do it then say no. Personally, I would go. I think family functions trump school whether it is 1st grade or 12th grade.

Looking back on life...your daughter will probably remember this event because she left school early. I guarantee in few days she will have no memory of how she spent the last 2 hours of school on the day you could be creating a memory for her.

I had a big long response ready when I re-read and got the part where your husband isn't attending.
If he's not going and you don't want to - then don't go!
It's that simple.
Will grandma be pissed? - sure she will.
So what?
She doesn't get to issue you any 'requirements' and you most certainly do not have to accept any she tries to lay on you.
My response to granny would be along the lines of
"Here is the school calendar. We are available during summer, and breaks unless we've made other plans. Have a nice day!".

Besides that - some schools have had such problems with students waltzing in and out of class at the drop of a hat that they are really cracking down on unexcused absences.
It's disrupting to the class, it's extra work for the teacher, the kids can't keep up with the class, catching up with homework can be a nightmare.
In our school if there are 9 missed days in a semester (20 weeks of school) - you either stay after school to make up those days - or you fail the class - and failing a class can quickly add up to not graduating.

Well - is your daughter's schedule really that important or do you just not want to go?
Reason I ask is I find when we don't want to do something, we tend to make excuses. Let's face it - if you wanted to go, would you make arrangements to go? Probably.
If you don't want to go - you just say "No" politely. Get hubby to back you up.
But I also agree with Elaine below. If you can make it happen and your daughter would gain from it - I personally would chuck the schedule for one day. That's me though. Schedules and routines are not that big a deal to me.
What kind of event is this? We don't have many so we tend to go. However, we skip the one on Christmas Eve for example because we have to rush and the kids get cranky. So do what's best for your family. Good luck :)

ETA: Either I didn't read you do this all the time or the last line that you don't want to do this because she will be cranky the next day due to lack of sleep. Well, you are going to start your own problem of not wanting to do anything that you can't control. This will carry over into raising your daughter when she is older and rebels in her teen years. Schedules are great to set routines and some boundaries but there are always going to be exceptions. Perhaps this might be the last big thing grandma does with her family we don't know her age or health by what you have written. You married into a very close knit ethnic family and you are now trying to get some space from them and their demands on your time. I hope you find a way to find a balance between the nuclear and the extended family or you will harbor huge resentment.

Original: I understand the driving from one borough to another in New York City can be a bit of a drive; however, this IS family no matter what you feel.

You teach your child how to relate to people in all types of situations by your actions and responses. This is a part of your child's make up and history and you are upset about going or taking your child. Do take your child out of school so that she can also meet other family members and enjoy the grandmother As another said she won't be around forever and these two might have a deep connection. Schedules are nice but there are times for adjustment and this is one of them. Talk with the teacher about the homework and what she needs. It is only first grade not junior high school.

Report back to us on the event.

the other S.

PS It is not like your are going to Florida from New York.

I once had a teacher be upset with me about taking my child out of sixth grade for a month (we were living in Germany and came home for Christmas). The principal told him that my child probably learned more about life being away (in inner city New Jersey). Take a good look at why this bothers you so much -- schedules and family -- and come up with a solution for the future.

I think it it is an important family event that you should go. In first grade I would not worry so much yet about missing school or homework. I also would not worry about disrupting her schedule for one day. If this were a regular thing then I would worry about the schedule. To me an hour drive is very short...but I'm used to living in the west where it might take 5-10 hours to get somewhere.

Hi R.,

I almost didn't respond because you have some great responses below. However, one thing niggles at my brain....what kind of event is this? If it's something minor like a cousin's 32 birthday say then I wouldn't even bother. However, if it's something more serious like a wedding or a funeral then, yes I would absolutely attend. Since it appears it's at 4 on a weekday, I'm assuming it's something minor. But we all know what happens when a person assumes. :-) Go with your gut and you'll never be sorry. S.

it all depends on the event. we have missed plenty of events because of schedules. if it were important enough i would get the child early from school and go to the event. if its not that important i would skip the event. and i gather its not super important because your hubby is not going.

I do understand that you take your daughter's schedule seriously and that you want your daughter to know that school is important. However, I think that taking her out once in a while for a special activity with relatives is fine, and as Elaine B said, teaches her something equally important. Her great-grandma isn't always going to be there--in fact, you might be lucky to have her around for another 15 years, especially in good health and mentally available. It's at least as important for your daughter to have that time with her and family. She's only in first grade, so she isn't going to miss that much in those two hours and even the homework will be pretty easy to make up. I say do it and do it with enthusiasm and graciousness. Make it a fun road trip!

That said, your post gives the impression that the issue isn't this one event, but an ongoing pattern which bothers you. Maybe it's worth exploring for yourself why this type of request pushes a button. Does it feel like disrespect for your time or something, or not enough space for your family to do things on your own? Just guessing. Anyway, good luck with it.

I would go. But I would not take her out of school early and she can wear whatever she has on for school. It can't be a formal event at 4 in the afternoon. So just say yes we are coming might be a few mins late. And first grade homework could be done in the car. Especially if you have an hour drive each way. Times with extended family is important I myself would not miss it.

She's in first grade...she simply won't miss that much by going to the event. But if you really don't want to go, just don't go. You see them often enough that you should get a pass every once in a while.

My answer would be totally different, of course, if your child was a high-schooler and had a midterm the next day. Then school would OF COURSE be more important. But first grade? Eh, she could leave an hour early and it would be fine.

It's really up to you and what you really want to do. There's no right or wrong answer here.

I think family events are more important than an extra hour or two of school in first grade. They are definitely more important than first grade homework.

I think you all should go. But you don't say what the event is. What is it?

If the event is nothing significant, and your daughter gets to spend plenty of time with her extended family, and it's a big pain for many reasons to take her, then don't.

Since you see your in-laws and extended family every weekend, I don't see anything wrong with establishing a precedent here. Just tell your in-laws that school day events (excluding weddings, funerals, 50th anniversary parties, 100th birthday parties and similar events of once-in-a-lifetime significance) are off your calendar. And stick to that. For example, if there's a minor event scheduled and your daughter's school happens to be closed that day because the school building has no water or electricity, don't go to that event.

Continue to show up at the big parties regardless of what time they're held at, and continue your weekend visits and enjoy your family.

Try to understand this from your husband's grandmother's point of view, though. I'm assuming she's elderly? She may be thinking that there won't be too many more family get-togethers - whether they're for Tupperware parties or weddings - that she'll be able to enjoy. Or she may have friends who never see their families or grandchildren due to distance (geographic or emotional). Try to reassure her that you'll see her soon. Tell her you appreciate how she raised her child, who raised your husband, to be a good father and provider who loves his family, and he's just trying to make sure his own daughter has a steady routine and plenty of sleep and a good education, so that someday she can be a grandmother too, whose grandchildren enjoy visiting her.

I agree with below. What time does the event end? If you're really concerned about homework and you can't get it earlier or turn it in later, I would try to get her to do the homework during the event. Or maybe you can leave the event a little earlier so that your daughter can finish her homework and unwind (if it's on a school night).

Your daughter is in the first grade. Missing school and homework one time is not a problem. Talk with her teacher so she knows your daughter won't be there or will be leaving early.

Your daughter can do make up work but I doubt the teacher will require it. In first grade, work is repeated several times. She will be fine, teacher will tell you it's alright for her to go.

I would take her out of school. I suggest however, that you can say you're not able to go without saying why. When we give reasons for our decisions to someone who wants you to do differently, we are telling them we're open to a discussion, that they may be able to change your mind. You have many reasons to not go. When you focus on just one, they will argue if your reason doesn't make sense to them.

Just tell them you aren't able to come for several reasons, since you've already gave them a reason they think is not valid in their minds. So let them know you have several reasons. If they persist in asking why, always respond with, i'm sorry we'll miss it. Going this time will not work for us.

However, if the event is a one time important event, such as a wedding, a significant birthday, a celebration of a significant event, I'd go.

Sounds to me like grandma is putting a lot of pressure on you. While I agree with some of the posters that it probably depends on what the event is, I personally think that saying "No" once in a while is a good thing. Otherwise you always get guilted into saying "Yes" even if you have good reasons for not wanting to go and you'll find yourself resenting it over time. Been there.

If the real reason is the schedule disruption/missing bedtime, then go for a couple of hours. You could stay until 6:30 and still be home by 7:30; I assume bedtime is not earlier than that. As for homework, she could probably do it in the car on the way there, on the way home, after you get home or turn it in one day late.

Sounds to me like you see them plenty. So this is not a once a year opportunity. And as someone said, so what if your husband's grandmother is annoyed. Older people lose perspective sometimes. Just say we can't but see you 3 days later... But - I do think a 1st grader missing some school is definitely not a big deal. You'll realize that yourself in a couple of years. As for the bedtime, that would bother me too but can't you just leave early? So if you can leave early and get her home so bedtime is normal, I'd consider that. If you can't leave early for some reason, then don't go unless this is a very very important occasion.

Like others, I'm wondering what the event is. If it's important enough that your husband would go if he could, even though it's on a weekday at 4:00, then maybe you and your daughter should go to represent the family (and to enjoy the event!).

You've been given some good options below. It is truly possible to reduce the crankiness factor here--get any assignments in advance (you have plenty of time). Many first graders have weekly homework packets where they aren't given assignments daily but at the start of the week -- if that's the case, have her work ahead. Leave the event early pleading the need for school night sleep. If it's an event where it would be awkward to leave early, then go on your own, arrange a play date for your DD after school where another parent picks her up from school and dad gets her at their house when he gets off work. Not terribly easy but doable. It all really does depend on the event.

As a parent of a high schooler, I'd like to add that it is far, far easier to take a child out of school like this in these elementary years than it will be in middle or high school. Taking a first grader out of school early, if it's done rarely, is just fine. If this were a case of the family expecting you and daughter to be at events on school nights more than once in a blue moon, that's different and definitely would be a no-go. But please bear in mind that you can do this now, and for a few years to come, in a way that will no longer be open to you once your child is older. I'd do it. It does teach some flexibility. Kids who are told that the schedule is sacred sometimes become so fixed on sticking to their schedule that they find it difficult to change their expectations and go with the flow.

Just say you can't make it. You don't owe them an excuse.

What is the event? That would make a difference. My kids all missed school on Friday, after having two snow days and two late arrival days, because my sister had her baby on Friday. To me, that trumped school. My kids are in 3rd, 5th, and 7th...the 7th grader will have the most trouble making up her STEM work, but she chose to come and I supported that.

If it's not something super important and you see them all the time, I wouldn't make that drive on a weeknight either. You don't owe them an explanation though...simply saying "it won't work" is enough.

Of course I would do it. This person/grandparents will be dead some day and your daughter will have fond memories of a day she spent in their home and with them and other family. It's really really really really not a big deal. I really can't imagine, in any way, not going.

For the sake of stopping this from happening in the future all the time I'd be sure to let everyone know this was a special exception but in the future all family things your family is expected to be at, well, they need to be organized on a weekend day.

You have to decide for yourself what you're willing to do and under what circumstances, but I can tell you how I handle things in similar situations.

I don't attend things that disrupt my life to the point of annoyance. I don't allow people to use the 'family obligation' nonsense with me. If I want to go, I will. If I don't want to, I don't. Not even weddings and funerals are obligatory.

The key thing to remember is that you usually don't bother to explain yourself or make excuses. "That doesn't work for us but I hope you have a good time."