I would be so happy to hear from other parents who are caring for relatives or foster kids (specifically young ones) who might be able to give me some ideas in how to effectively and lovingly discipline children who have gone through huge transitions and/or recent trauma. Some days are easier than others...today was a hard day.
I really need to hear from other parents whose children have been through transition and/or trauma (not necessarily family related) because I think it really changes the situation and am not just looking for general disciplining concepts. I am really edgy and pulling out my hair and need to hear from folks who can relate to this particular thing.
I started caring for my three year old niece 3 months ago. She has stabilized in our home in many ways (has gained weight, opened up, etc.) but between her age and situation still becomes emotional or simply doesn't listen in almost every possible situation (ex time to go inside, please hand me that book, calm down and you won't have to get off your trike, hold my hand, etc.) I have been consistently implementing timeouts for fits and/or pushing, hitting and lack of listening. After she calms down we talk about why she went into timeout and what we need to change. I say "it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to scream or hit." When I put her into time out I have always given her at three chances to change her behavior.
I also take both kids out every day for at least and hour so that they get enough exercise. I feed them healthy food and don't give refined sugar (because both of them go off the wall). We have a routine. I praise good behavior, am loving, talk about feelings. Doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
Here is an example from today. We took a walk to the park and I told her to hold my hand while a car drove by, she resisted. I said, "____, please hold my hand, it is dangerous to not. You need to hold my hand." She starts to whine and a little bit of crying. I say, "____, hold my hand if you want to go to the park, if you don't we will need to go home." She begins to protest big time, "No, I don't want to go home, I DON"T WANT TO GO HOME!!" I say, "We are only going home if you are not able to hold my hand and calm down. Please take some deep breaths. If you can hold my hand and stay calm we will go to the park." More crying, not listening. Finally holds my hand. We arrive at the park - it's a fairly short walk - and she continues to not listen and is still crying and resisting holding hands. By this time she has held my hand, but let go after the car goes by and now the hole cycle is starting again when I ask her to hold hands again. So, I say, "okay, I have given you many chances to change your attitude and calm down, not scream and listen. You are not choosing to listen and calm down so we are going to walk home now. My partner volunteers to walk her home while I stay at the park with our two year old daughter. By the time we return home she is unable to breath properly as she has screamed the whole way home and the entire time she was at home. He had told her if she were to calm down she would be allowed to go outside and play on her trike. But she continued to rage, so he continued to keep her in her room, checking in with her, trying to talk to her, trying to get her to calm down enough to listen. She gets really upset really quickly and in order to stay consistent we will remove her from the situation until she is calm enough to listen. We have also tried the time out hold, just holding her until she calms down. But she doesn't calm down faster and I end up getting more frustrated and often kicked.
So, I guess I want to know, am I being to hard on her, considering the situation? Should I try to avoid conflict or give in when she whines, cries (I am not talking about sad crying but crying to get her way). It's all day long, most days. My entire day is one long no. But, it seems like it would be harming her by giving in to her negative behavior. I am new to having two kids, both toddlers, so even if this were not a kinship care situation, I am in transition which is kind of taxing. It seems like all of my energy goes into negotiating fits. Then I get frustrated, so she gets even more worked up. So on and so forth. What I am doing is not effective. Is this just the way it is? Am I unrealistic about how toddlers behave when they have been introduced to new living situations? Is there something I am missing that will make everyone a happier camper? I am frustrated because I want to have a good time. I end up feeling so down a lot of the time and I just don't want everything to be a struggle. I don't think its good for her either because I am just repeating negative cycles and setting a bad example by being frustrated all day (since I am trying to teach her that we can feel emotions without acting out).
So, anyway, thanks for any positive impute you might have! I am not interested in spanking or getting physical. Not trying to pass judgment, just don't think it's a good fit for us. Okay, thanks so much folks!
I think your approach is excellent - she's probably just totally confused regarding the situation - being with a new family and new rules. Remain consistent - especially between the two children.
I remember my daughter was 3 and we went to someone's house with way more rules. I couldn't change her behavior so I just left. My takeaway for you - is it's hard to change behavior with new rules in a short period of time. Start by telling her what you are going to do and your expectations. So if going to the park - make sure she knows she has to hold your hand - the entire time walking there - don't stop it just will make it worse - she probably doesn't understand the cars keep coming - traffic laws are hard concepts.
When my daughter is out of control with a full on tantrum. I hold her tight until she calms down - to avoid being hit or kicked I usually lay her down o the bed, take my glasses off - and give her a snuggle - don't try to talk while they are hysterical. Wait until they calm down. Then you can talk about it later.
Good luck to you!
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D.P.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
Sam,
Are there any "fostering" resources in your area you could tap into?
I think kids with past history of instability, neglect, etc. will have some effects.
I think it's great that you're caring for her. You sound like an awesome auntie!
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T.L.
answers from
Seattle
on
This sounds just like my daughter. I was told this was a phase some of the more, energetic kids go through. She is normal in every way and no trauma or moving but the example you have giving are my daughter to a T. We are basically doing the same things you are and some days are worse than others. I'm also hoping that since some of the preschool's here start at 3 I can get her in a 2 day a week program for some stucture, in the fall. I also set a timer that she can hear when she's quite I start it the 1 min for every year so 3-4 min for her for she has to be quite for me to start it. that is just starting to work for us.
Good luck
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G.T.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Hi Sam,
You are doing a very good job! Consistency with discipline (time-outs after 3 chances) is the key. I agree that you shouldn't give in when she whines or cries or it will get worse and she will cry more to get her way.
Remember that 3 is a difficult age for kids, and many have the "terrible 3s".
At this age, they also often have difficulty listening because they are in their own world and your word just don't go through. One technique at this age is to get at their level and make eye contact when you want them to listen. For my son, if he is in deep play, I need to knee to his level, put one hand on his shoulders to get his attention and make eye contact (really face to face, in his face).
Also, it's a new situation for her. Pick your battle and little by little, when one behavior (for example, holding hands to go to the park) is accepted and turned into routine, introduce a new rule (put the clothes in the hamper, for example) By limiting the battles you pick, your days will be less stressful and less full-time negotiating. It's OK to eat dessert first, it's not OK to throw it on the floor. So, each time possible try to be flexible when it's not life threatening, so she knows that her wishes can also be respected and granted.
She is new to that, so give as few rules as possible (no hitting, biting, kicking or other aggression and no dangerous behaviors such as touching hot stove, not holding hands to the park) and build on that (politeness, cleaning up...). Tell her the rules (unacceptable behaviors and their consequences) and always be consistent with following through.
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M.K.
answers from
Seattle
on
i dont have experience with your situation but just wanted to say hang in there. it has to be much harder for a little girl in her situation to grasp consistency and how to handle emotions. my one thought is that she may need more physical outlet than one hour a day. i have a boy, and he needs LOT of exercise :) but it can be very important for active girls too. he is generally a pretty good kid, but his behavior and ability to listen really goes downhill if he doesnt get enough physical play time. the difference is really dramatic. i'm sure there are a lot of other issues in your case, but it still might be a factor?
it sounds like you are setting a good example and trying really hard to guide and teach her with consistency. hopefully you are getting some breaks b/c your life has changed and sounds exhausting with two at those ages!
i wish you the best of luck, and admire you for what you are doing to bring a little girl into your family
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H.F.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I cannot relate to having a foster child but I can relate to having one child who has a "more stressful" past than others. I have five children. My fourth child has many medical problems and spent the first 18 months of her life feeling awful, screaming all day, refusing to be calmed unitl we finally started to discover and treat what was ailing her. She continues to have days she feels really lousy and she's been hospitalized multiple times. We all felt bad for her and so had "looser" standards for behavior for her. It finally occured to us in the last month or so we are not doing her or us any favors by not expecting proper behavior from her. When it is apropriate we do have less expectations, althoguh she is almost 3 she is still just learnign to eat so messy mealtimes and refusing to eat are okay. However screamign at the table and throwing things are unacceptable and result in immediate removal from the table, even though she really needs to eat. We jsut bring her back later when no one else is at the table. If she is feeling really lousy, we tollerate a bit of crabbiness in the same way we would if the others were sick but she cannot be a little diaper dictator. We try to accomodate but we also realize that she will always have medical problems and the best we can do is teach her how to cope and still get along with the family and others. We've also found through lots of trial and error that one strike your out works best. I ask once, then command once, then there is a consequence. Example ____would you please hold my hand? _________it is time to hold mommy hand. _______since you chose not to hold my hand we are going home now. She will scream and rant the whole way home and then scream some more. I have found that she calms down better on her own and my effort to soothe her just makes her more upset. I have also found that talking about it later produces more screaming so we have decided that at this age we simply dont' talk about it later, when it's over it's over.
Lastly kudos to you for taking care of your niece in this situation and going from one kid to two is a big challenge but you will soon get used to it. Consider that you are still in the "newborn" stage of having a second child.
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A.P.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
Well bless your heart for taking her in and taking on the challenge! I think you are talking to much and for her its a challenge. She needs a 1 time warning and that's it at this point. She's only 3 so you have time still to change her behaviors. I would also talk with a counselor if she is vocal perhaps there is more to her tantrums then getting her way. Do you spend any time alone with her? Not sure what the situation is exactly but I can imagine she doesnt have contact with her parents at this time...she may be feeling emotions of anger and abandonment which you may not be trained to addressed. Seek professional help if you can. Good luck
