Discipline Question - Los Angeles,CA

I'm definitely more lenient when my child isn't feeling well. I don't let everything slide, but I am much less strict... And much more cuddly. :)

have you tried... teething tablets.. (homeopathic teeny tiny pills melt on her tongue) or Tylenol..??

when my 2 year old was cranky and irritable for days.. and I had tried.. food, sleep, change of scenery.. distraction.. every trick up my sleeve.. I went for drugs.. maybe she is in pain and cant tell you...

so give her some meds.. see if she acts and sleeps better..

This is not a discipline issue. You think she's teething and in pain. It's time for empathy and tender words with boundaries of course. I see this situation one in which the parents discipline themselves so they focus on how they can comfort their child while taking care of themselves. I suggest it's time to alter your expectations and find ways to manage sleeping in a different way.

Consistency does not mean always doing the same thing. Consistency means always paying attention and altering your response based on what is happening at the time. She has sleep issues because she is teething. Past discipline worked in the past when she wasn't teething, wasn't this age, had different needs.

Consistency in discipline means using the same discipline when the situation is the same. Your baby's situation now is different. Time to find a different way to handle it.

You said she's teething and you recognize she is uncomfortable. So she is crying for an apparent reason. BTW everyone cries for a reason. Even tho the reason isn't apparent the person need sympathy and understanding. I hurt for children who get disciplined/punished because they have "no reason" to cry. Not saying you do that.

consistency means having a parenting philosophy that you're both on board with, and that places reasonable and reliable boundaries around behaviors, and the consequences for those behaviors.
it doesn't mean being rigid and inflexible and intolerant.
it surely doesn't involve hitting a toddler who's in pain.
whack your husband upside the head with a frying pan, and go console your child.
doesn't mean the rules fly out the window. doesn't mean she does whatever she wants. doesn't mean the house gets disrupted and chaotic.
it means a fretful little girl gets some understanding from her parents.
khairete
S.

I would be completely consistent and hold her, snuggle with her, spend extra time with her and empathize with her. How would it work if DH punished you for being cranky because you had a toothache and couldn't sleep? Don't see how this would encourage a positive outcome.

Laura Markham's ahaparenting.com site is a great tool for positive parenting and 100% worth taking a look at.

She should be getting 12-14 hours of sleep a day. She is NOT getting too much sleep (don't see how that would even be possible).
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/sleep-children

My kids are a bit older so I don't know that this would work for you but I am more lenient when my girls are ill however I always add the caveat "since you aren't feeling well..."

Since you aren't feeling well I will feed the dogs this evening. Since you aren't feeling well you can eat cereal for dinner instead of what everyone else is having.

So far they have't abused it.

I also tend to say "I know your grumpy because you are sick but..."

I know you are grumpy because you are sick but I need you to get a shower now without arguing. I know you are grumpy because you are sick but you need to take this medicine without fighting me about it, please.

I just ignore the crankiness (I too get cranky when I'm not feeling well) because I know it is related to the illness and/or pain and know that it won't last.

Good luck! I hope your daughter is feeling better soon.

She's two? What kind of discipline could you possibly be doling out? Two year olds are defiant, and when they do not feel well they only want to do what they want to do. Many people are like that when they are sick, I know I am.
Also, I didn't "ask" my toddlers to do things. I told them to do it (Please pick up the truck you dropped, Please come sit at the table, C'mon we're all going to the park...you get the idea), showed them how fun it was to do, and they typically did it. Or I gave them a choice to do A or B, this gives them a sense of control and as long as either choice is a good choice, everyone wins.

Also, sleeping patterns are thrown to the wind when a child gets sick, so I always let go of any expectations I have as far as bedtimes and sleep schedules. Reasons children cry: they hurt, they are tired, they feel sick, they are stressed out and need a release. If none of the others apply, it is the last one that is the reason, and the one many parents don't give any weight to as far as how "real" or "important" this reason is.

You are probably exhausted and overthinking this because you just want her to feel better :) I personally don't mind my schedule being thrown off by a sick kid, I have fond memories of being awake with them all hours watching tv and holding them.

Consistency doesn't mean that you never change your behavior or rules ever. It means that your child knows what to expect because you behave certain ways at certain times and have certain expectations for their behavior as well.

If your child is in pain or other things are going on that change what is normal and routine, then changing your responses is not being inconsistent. You are still putting your child to bed at bedtime. That is being consistent. Comforting her the best you can when she wakes up is not being suddenly inconsistent.... That would be letting her stay up past her bedtime and not expecting her to go to bed until she wanted to, and not doing anything to effect her falling back asleep as soon as possible when she wakes because you don't care if she's up in the middle of the night. Or not having a bedtime and just picking a random time daily depending on what you are doing... NEVER structuring what you do around bedtime.

Generally, parents who are concerned about whether or not it's ok to "break the rules" when a kid is sick, are pretty darned consistent to begin with. And kids are able to discern that something is different for a reason, and generally go back to "normal" pretty quickly when everything else does, too.

Parents who are not consistent tend to parent by whatever spirit moves them at any particular time. They are in a good mood? Let's all stay up and have a party! They are tired/grumpy? Everyone goes to bed early (not as a discipline measure for misbehavior, but b/c mom doesn't want to step up anymore today). Mom is feeling premenstrual and craving sweet and salty--kids have junk to eat all day. Mom is on a diet? The kids get NOTHING but raw foods.
It's changing your parenting with your moods, from day to day, no real rhyme or reason... that's being inconsistent. You aren't doing that, doesn't sound like. You have nothing to fear from being comforting and warm and kind to your child in pain.

Hope she gets relief soon.
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Oh.. and don't you want to be consistent about caring for and being comforting for your child? Seee... that's consistency, too. Your child trusts that you care about how she feels. She trusts that you will be there for her. That's consistency... even when circumstances change.
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Sorry to keep adding. But yes, get her checked for an ear infection. They are more painful (typically) when lying down. So she might not feel it during the day. But naps and bedtime.....
Also, as far as changing the rules when they are ill.. I always did. And it depended upon the severity of the illness how much and what rules I changed. When they were toddlers, they didn't watch a lot of TV/movies. But if they were sick and just wanted to snuggle? Curled up together on the sofa with a Winnie The Pooh marathon was as good as it gets. :)
Or sick and stuffed up? Here--have a popsicle (for no real reason-not even snack time). They are soothing on the throat, reduce swelling of the nasal passages, are hydrating, etc. And it makes kids happy. :)
We don't eat anywhere but at the table. But if you're sick snuggled up watching Winnie the Pooh, a ziploc baggie of goldfish is fine.

See what I mean?

My son is the exact same age and the only thing remotely close to "discipline" that we do for him is redirection when he tries to nab toys from his sister's hands, or we say "Ouch! Hitting hurts!" when he hits. So I'm not really sure what your question is.

If you think your DD is teething, offer extra comfort, rocking, cold things to mouth, and a dose of Advil at night if she tolerates it well.

FYI, my pediatrician said adults could never make it through something as painful as cutting teeth without anesthesia. :(

She's miserable. I'd be a total jerk, too.
Give her extra love. (I know- hippy peace loving parent answer)
But she's most likely acting out of physical pain and frustration.
If I got that little of sleep- I'd turn into Satan.

When my 3 yo has done this in the past, it was an ear infection every single time. Sometimes they can have no other symptoms. I'd have her ears checked just in case.

Do the best you can to make sure she gets some rest. It's not unusual for those teeth to be more painful at night - or for a child to be more aware of the pain, anyhow. On the behavior, make some allowances but don't bend your standards. "Polly, I know your teeth are hurting and making you grouchy. I'm sorry for that. You still need to come when I call you, though. Let's try it again.... Good. Now come sit on my lap and we'll read a book together."

This, too, shall pass.

I'm unclear on what aspect of discipline you are considering at age two which would require laxity.

When kids are sick, or hurting, esp. little ones, I try to minimize demands. This means that instead of asking the two year old to do certain things, I would just help them along. Hitting would still be unacceptable; any sort of harming behavior would still be addressed. I'd stick with simple, clear either/or choices and keep most family guidelines in place. For example, if I had a kid who felt awful, while we don't usually allow kid drinks/food on the couch, a sippy cup with a valve would be allowed. I'd also indulge in more storytimes or tv if a child needed some distractions from their pain.

So, I guess the short answer is choose what is important and try to focus on what is MOST helpful in the moment. Putting a teething, sobbing little one in time out might not be as helpful as giving her something to chew on and setting her in a safe place with a lovey or book, not to reward poor behavior, but if a person is hurt, they really can't focus on the 'lesson' of a time out or other discipline strategy--- I remember these days, some of them just feel like damage control. Remember, it's just a season-- this too shall pass, just choose what's important.

From your SWH: when kids are THAT sore and hurting, *of course* brushing her teeth may very well hurt. (My seven year old had a loose tooth which was causing him pain and we just let him brush for a few days instead of doing it ourselves in the evening for thoroughness.) I also find that if you can playfully parent through the getting dressed -- instead of saying 'let's get dressed now' and giving the child an opportunity to say 'no' (and two year olds are notorious for this), I would be silly. "I have this cute pink shirt. Let's see, is this my shirt? Oh no, too small! I wonder, where does it go? On your toes? Nooo, hee hee. On your legs? On your face? Here it comes-- go through the tunnel! " Shirt is on. Sometimes you have to sort of diffuse the opposition by pointedly NOT announcing what you are doing.

This does work by the way. Kids get so caught up in OUR activity or fun that they just go along with it. Yesterday we took a very long walk/hike and I never once told my son "oh, we're going up to the park on the hill", just "oh, let's go for a walk" and a mile and a half later, when he started to question what was going on, I could then say "just up the hill is the playground you like so much". No objections. I am certain I'd have had opposition otherwise.

You can be consistently compassionate and meet your child's immediate needs. Consistency isn't just putting your foot down and letting her see that you'll never pick it up. It's about sticking to your parenting goals, long-term and short-term. In each case, you have to figure out what you want her to learn from it and how you want her to grow. So the right thing for you to do depends on what movitvates your child and what your family needs and what your goals are. Be consistent in working toward your goals.

Is it more important to you that she see that you mean business OR that she see that you can be flexible in cases that might not be so black and white? What do you want to teach her? There is no exact formula.

It is likely that her needs for sleep are changing. If you are putting her to bed at 7:30pm and she gets up at 7:00am that is 11.5 hours. Add a two hour nap to that and she is sleeping nearly 14 hours a day! While some kids require that much sleep at that age, not all do! She may be waking up for two hours because she isn't tired. I would try keeping her up until8:30 or 9:00pm and see if she sleeps through the night.

ETA: Dana, if she only needs 12 hours of sleep a day then she is not going to sleep 14 hours a day! I know I have two kids who have never slept 14 hours a day in their lives!

My daughter dropped her nap at age 2...otherwise night times were not good. She just didn't need as much sleep. Perhaps your daughter is starting to need less sleep as she gets older. At age 2 I did not do much discipline. I would tell them what they needed to do and if they didn't want to do it and had a fit, I would ignore them. If they acted badly (say threw a toy or refused to share), I would tell them the right way to do something and show them how physically if necessary. I would then distract them with something else. It would be helpful if you gave an example of what you need to discipline for. I guess if my little 2 year old were feeling badly and overly tired, I would cut her some slack and be gentle with reminders. But I would not let things go and let her get away with bad behavior.

yes on the lenient thing. But in addition to that are you giving her something for the teething pain? maybe right before she goes to sleep to help with it?

your spanking a 2 year old?

Teething is awful for them. I would give her Tylenol or Motrin before bed, try to get her to sleep up on a pillow ( my little one is 3 and is 50/50 on a pillow). The pressure builds when they are laying down.

Also, sleep breeds sleep. The lack at night is changing it for nap as well.

This will pass, keep up the love. :) You are doing well.

Molars hurt more than the first teeth that pop out. She might need some ibuprofen.

That sounds like a lot of sleep. I wonder if her sleeping needs are changing. Is she really used to getting 12 hours of sleep at night and more than one nap? My kids were down to one nap somewhere between 12 & 14 months. I'm just wondering if part of the problem is that she doesn't need as much sleep as she used to, so she wakes up in the middle of the night and isn't tired enough to go back to sleep.

ETA - Oops, I could have sworn you said she took naps, not a nap. Sorry about that.

It is possible that she doesn't require as much sleep as she used to. Just something to think about. Good luck!

If you know there is an extenuating circumstance, then give her tylenol if she needs it, snuggles and back to bed. If you had molars coming in, you'd be cranky, too. If it were my DH, I would push back. My DD can get extra cuddles when she has a nightmare or leg pains and I try to put her back to bed instead of sleeping on the couch all night like we used to. Remind your DH that this is temporary. What you might also try is putting her down for a slightly earlier nap. Even 15 minutes might help her mood. IMO, spanking is ineffective and you two need to use that only as a last resort if you use it at all. She's in PAIN. Find another way to manage her moods, even if it means one of you walks away while the other handles her outburst. Sometimes when my DD is in her worst mood, what she really needs is a hug. I don't excuse her, but a little understanding sometimes goes farther than one would expect, especially when that someone is 2.