Disaplining for a 9 Year Old Girl Who Wont Stop Lying

We do the same as Jo and Katrina. A lie comes with a much worse punishment than telling the truth - even if they think the truth will get them in trouble. I can't stand a liar, and have to deal with an adult who lies on occassion, and really nothing makes me more mad.

My daughter is also 9, and while I know it's hard for her to come out with the truth sometimes, she normally does on her own, because she knows not being honest will be much worse in the long run.

My 7 and 5 year olds know this rule as well. Maybe try that with her and see where you get.

Once my parents divorced and it was just my mom, me and my sister, she made a deal with us.

"IF we told her the truth", she told us "she would not be mad. She may be disappointed, upset or hurt, but not mad."

We knew the rules, we knew how to behave etc.. But one day we were throwing the ball in the house and broke a beautiful covered, glass candy dish. We freaked out, because if our father was still living there, OMG, all hell would have broken out and we would be in huge trouble. Spankings, yelling, harassing comments.. It would be referred to over and over.

But when our mom came home we told her, "we have to tell you something bad that we did." She said ok, tell me.. That is when we told her about the broken candy dish and how we were sory and we promised never to do this again..

She calmly told us she was glad we had told her the truth, she was glad we learned our lesson , and trusted us to never so this again.. Then she said, to tell you the truth, I never liked that ugly thing, lets see if it something that can be fixed or needs to be thrown out!!!!

To this day, our mom has still kept her promise. She has never gotten mad at us, as long as we told her the truth, she has been disappointed or shocked, but we still tell her the truth, because we can trust her not to judge us, not to be mad.. etc.

I know this is a different way to parent, but it has worked for our daughter very well. She is like us, she is a pleaser and wants to do the right thing. When she has made bad choices, she admits it and moves on..

- Why is she lying?
(This isn't something a book can tell you, really, it's observation... look at the following to figure out a trend or pattern)

- What is she lying about?
- When is she lying?
- What is she gaining from it?
- etc.

DO also get really specific about these patterns... because some things look like lies to some people, but really aren't. Forgetting, for example, is a common one.

Punishment doesn't work in all cases ESPECIALLY if she's lying out of low self esteem. Being punished can just make her feel worse about herself, and make her feel like she needs to lie more/ better to avoid your disappointment. (Kind of like how making fun of a fat person usually causes them to gain MORE weight, instead of motivating them to lose weight).

My kids all know that they will make my husband and I far more angry and upset with them if they lie then if they just tell us. They may still get in trouble for what they did but it will be far more if they lie about it.
My children are terrible liars which works in our favor, but still ;)
They have found that some things they felt would be the end of the world weren't, in fact, that bad. They didn't lie so they learned.
I would start with changing the way you communicate with your daughter. Don't go straight to punishing for anything and everything. Of course someone is going to go straight to lying if they believe that everything they do will get the in trouble.

Often we set up our children to lie by asking them what happened when we already knew the answer. Instead of saying did you break the rule, say I know you did such and such; lets talk about it. Then talk about it calmly without a lecture.

I've noticed with my grandchildren that their parents get upset when certain things happen and before the child gets a chance to confess they're lecturing which makes it difficult for the child to "fess up."

Is her natural father in the picture. How's the realtionship between her and her step father? Step parents can be very hard on other people's children and it can have a life long effect.

What kind of lies is she telling? Do you let her know that she is loved even when she has done something wrong?

The only thing I found that is effective is making it worse to lie than tell the truth.

With my kids what worked was if you came to me with whatever we worked it out whether that mean fixing, dealing with, cleaning up and moved on. No yelling, no punishment, just fix whatever it was. If I found out about it on my own there was a punishment, still no yelling, no over reaction just fix it and this is your punishment. If they lied about it when they were caught their punishment doubled and I was damn good at figuring out when I was being lied to.

As such my kids came to be when they did something stupid, no lies, no covering it up, they just came to me because it was the easiest for them.

When you catch your children lying, the first thing to do is figure out why they're lying. Is it fear? Fear can be a great motivator when kids choose a lie over the truth. Self-preservation is a strong need in many young children.

What if they are protecting someone? Older children often do this for their younger siblings, as nobody wants to be the rat in the family. Getting my own kids to understand that the only person they are hurting is themselves took some time and a lot of patience.

How about those lies that just slip out? The ones where they answer the question before they have actually thought it through. We have all been there at one point or another. I know I have been guilty of it myself. When it happens with my kids, though, I will often just repeat the question. I try to give them a chance to correct their answer. In most cases that is all it takes.

More than anything, I believe that kids lie because they love us, they want our approval, and they do not want to disappoint us. It's humbling when you really think about it, because they just cannot grasp that no matter what they do, we will always love them. However, love and approval do not always have to go hand in hand.

Here are some good conflict resolutions when faced with lying.

* Do not play the blame game. Stick to the topic at hand.
* Do not cross-examine. This will only cause them to close themselves off from you.
* When asking the question, try not to put them into a position where they feel a lie is needed.
* Remember when they are truthful to be appreciative of the truth. That doesn’t mean the action isn’t punishable.

Well my daughter did that at about 12 and it was simple she would loose all privledges, friends over, T.V , Radio, Phone, Dessert Trust me once she looses everything and is stuck in her room for a couple of days with nothing but 4 walls the lying will stop.

Totally left field answer:

Lie to her. Tell a real whopper something like you are going to Disney World during her Christmas break this year. Let it go a few days tell her all about it -- google Disney World show her all the sights ect. Then look at her and say ----- hey guess what I lied we are not going -- never were. I lied and you believed me ha ha.

Then sit her down and explain trust to her. She trusts you because you are her parents and do not lie to her. You need to be able to trust her and if she lies to you - you can not trust her. Sometimes kids need to understand exactly what lying does to the people around them.

Maybe she feels like she needs attention. Negative attention is still attention in the eyes of a child. I have an eight year old son and I find his behavior improves tremendously when we spend a little one on one time. There is usually some kind of other issue that is leading to the bad behavior. Step families are very hard. Not many people can take on another child (that is not theirs) and make them feel loved. You have some really good ideas here. The ages from 8 - 10 are a child's age of narcissism. They tend to struggle with a lot of insecurities. Love her and make her feel that she is important. Each child responds differently to each approach. You might just take her out for a girls day out and talk to her and try to find out her explanation.