Different Parenting Styles Getting in the Way of Friendship

This doesn't sound like a conflict of "parenting styles", it sounds like a conflict of lifestyles to me. Yes all moms have different styles of mothering. O. is not better than another, nut this chick sounds like she's got a LOT of issues, O. of which might be alcohol addiction. An addict always chooses their substance of choice over everything else in their lives.

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This doesn't sound like a conflict of "parenting styles", it sounds like a conflict of lifestyles to me. Yes all moms have different styles of mothering. O. is not better than another, but this chick sounds like she's got a LOT of issues, O. of which might be alcohol addiction. An addict always chooses their substance of choice over everything else in their lives.

I was really interested to read your question, because from the title, it seems as though I have the same problem as you with one of my oldest friends. As I read more, I realized that I would probably be your cousin in this relationship (but not as extreme). Let me explain.

I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids. But I am not an attachment parent-er. We Ferberized my daughter at 18 months. I do like to get a babysitter and go out with my husband (we try to do this once a month). If my 5 year old daughter falls down, instead of running over, I'll often just say "you're okay. Try getting up and walking around." I encourage my kids to eat fruits and vegetables, but at the end of a long week, they have mac and cheese for a couple of meals in a row, that's okay.

My oldest friend, however, hardly goes anywhere without her daughter. She buys only natures miracle diapers. She nursed her daughter until she was 2.5. She coslept for 2 years. You get the picture.

Anyway, I often feel judged by my friend. It is very very hard to be friends with someone who acts like they love their kid more than you love yours. She doesn't seem to acknowledge that I have two kids while she has one, or that she has way more financial help from her family than we have from ours. Because of both of those things, sometimes I have to make choices that she doesn't make. And we have different priorities - I never wanted to cosleep, for example. It doesn't mean that I don't love my daughter as much as she loves hers - love manifests in different ways.

So my advice is twofold - if you think that your cousin is really disturbed, then encourage her to seek help, especially if you think that her behavior is dangerous to her kids. If you just think she's not a good mom based on your idea of what a good mom does, either stop being friends with her or try very hard not to judge her choices.

I agree with Jane. I'm that parent as well. I did not breastfeed (I couldn't but didn't really want to) and I did not co-sleep. I let my daughter cry it out, I don't give her many tokens/gifts, and I don't rush over to her when she falls down. She gets plenty of hugs, kisses, I love you's, stories read to her, and play time when she wants mommy to play with her. She eats well, but she may get junk food when in a hurry or when we're out and about. I work FT, she goes to daycare.
That said, I'm tired of other moms judging me because I don't stay at home, I didn't breastfeed, because my daughter doesn't get everything she wants and because I am very firm with her and hold high expectations for her behavior/manners. She is thriving, so I see no need to change anything that I do and I don't have any issues with what others do regarding their kids if their kids are thriving as well. Sorry, I'll get off the soapbox. :)
Now, your issue seems to be the drinking and partying more than anything and that does need to be addressed. I do think that any other issues you have with her parenting style need to be let go or you need to find others to hang out with that share your parenting style.
We're all moms, we're all doing the best we can and we all need each other to support not to judge. Help your cousin with her drinking, if it is an issue and if she accepts your help, otherwise walk away and at least you can say you tried.
Good luck!

Sounds like she may be having some issues here with alcohol. Is she drinking more now than before the baby/kids? In any case, you can't do anything about her choices because if she is addicted, she's the one who will need to decide that she has a problem. The main thing is for you to figure out what you need to do for yourself, and if you don't enjoy spending time with her, I'd suggest not doing it--and telling her why you're distancing yourself. Good luck with it!

Sadly, the tough truth is, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Where is the father is all this? It's really his responsibility to talk to her about this. It's his child, and he needs to protect that child if the mother (who breaks my heart from your post) is harming the baby. I would stay out of it and keep my distance until she changes her ways.

The first thing that pops into my mind is: if she has been getting worse and worse for a year, but the baby is only a month old, was she drinking while she was pregnant? If THAT was the case, I would be reporting her to the nearest authorities immediately. My two youngest son's birth mother drank throughout her entire pregnancy and my sons are paying the consequences - one has severe FAS and the other is DD and FAE. Sorry, I just had to get that out first.

I have a girlfriend that has a very different parenting lifestyle than mine. We have a lot of other stuff in common, but just not that. We have been friends for 10 years now and we talk all the time on the phone but do not even try to do playdates or anything like that. We are simply uncomfortable with each other's parenting style and we choose to share our common ground rather than fight about our differences. When we DO call each other about a "kid thing" we only use supportive words rather than judging words - if she is having an issue with one of her kids, she is not asking my opinion, but only to be a supportive friend.

There is no certain definition for a "good mom" and I am not trying to say that you are trying to judge her. Perhaps rather than discontinue your friendship, it is time to "restyle" it so it meets both of your needs. For example, my girlfriend is a hard drinker and I am not. We do not do girls nights out anymore because I feel like I turn into a babysitter for her drunkness - instead we meet for coffee in the afternoon or I stop by her shop at the end of the day for a visit. We don't visit each other's homes much because we keep our houses differently - instead we talk on the phone after the kids are in bed.

Finally, if you really believe that her drinking may be an addiction, I would perhaps bring it up with another family member you can trust and that won't tattle on you. See if others feel this is an issue and address it from there. It is doubtful that she will listen to you on this subject - it seems like she already might feel "judged" by you and will likely take it that way. If an intervention is needed, it should always be done by a professional anyways.

Good luck!

It is very hard when this happens with a family member - have had a similar experience.

There really is not much you can do imho. As your children grow older they will probably not be very compatible as playmates either (due to the pain that her kids are going to be in which makes them act out).

It sounds like you guys don't have much in common any more (this happens with friends too sometimes). Perhaps it is best to let go of those ties to a certain extent but keep the door open a tiny bit in case she ever looks to you for guidance (which probably won't happen). I would be civil but not super close (not much point to it). I would also pray for her and *especially* her children.

Good luck.

I have recently come to realize that there are two fundamentally different approaches to having children: there are those women who want kids, and those who want to be mothers. There is nothing wrong with either, I just believe that is such a fundamentally different approach to parenting that it is hard to be friend with someone on the other end of the spectrum. Especially if you are dedicated to mothering and attachment parenting, it tends to consume your life (in a positive way, at least for me it does), that you don't really want to hang out with your old friends who don't share your enthusiasm. The same the other way around, some women would rather have "adult" time when meeting their friends and get a break from thinking and talking about their kids non-stop. This doesn't mean they don't love their kids, it's just a different philosophy of life.

I would say that if the friendship is that important to you, reduce your meetings to non child related outings/topics.
Or you could just accept that you have moved in two different directions and maybe you don't have enough in common anymore to invest in this relationship any longer...it happens...

The thing that really stuck out for me was the drinking. Yes, some parents just weren't born to be the super nurturing type. That doesn't necessarily mean they are lousy parents. Of course, it's way different than your style, but you'll come across that forever. The drinking is concerning because she may be doing it and driving with her kids in the car, or maybe even getting drunk and then her judgement is impaired. She's probably completely overwhelmed and self-medicating to take the edge off. I would agree with other posts, that her husband should be helping out with this. Maybe he's unaware?
If you think about it, there could also be a lot of jealousy. Maybe she's defensive because she would like to be able to stay home. Deep down, she may even be able to financially, but knows she would have a hard time spending that much time with her kids and that makes her feel even worse. Guilt can be crippling.
If you opened a conversation asking her if there was anything you could do to help her out in any way, she may open up about how overwhelmed she is. Of course, if you offered help, you'd have to be willing to follow through. I understand that since you are close to her, you don't want to see things get really bad with ther. Her kids will be the ones who suffer. I definitely think the husband has to be involved and depending how bad the drinking is, getting the family involved to see if anything can be done to help her. However, as already stated, if she is indeed abusing alcohol, your friendship alone will not save her. She won't want help unless she already knows she has a problem and wants to deal with it. I think this is definitley deeper than just her parenting style. I wish you, and your cousin, the best of luck!

She could be depressed; people respond to depression in a variety of ways. She could also be an alcoholic, or becoming one. Unless you are willing to take the steps to involve others in an actual intervention, it will be difficult for you to suggest anything she won't reject.

The best thing you can do for your own mental health would be to accept that she is probably doing the best she can (really). I know it doesn't look that way to you, but you have no way of knowing what sort of emotional burden she's carrying, or how unprepared she feels to deal with all her new responsibility or the stresses it has caused in her marriage.

I think if I really wanted to establish a connection on this new ground of parenthood, I would be inclined to share my own difficulties and doubts about motherhood, and give her a chance to help, to advise, to be the capable one, even if only briefly. It may help her open up and talk about her own issues. Sometimes talking ourselves through something is the best possible way to see our issues clearly for the first time.

If you see her comments as an attack on your parenting choices, then of course you'll be uncomfortable. Consider that she's probably deflecting her own judgements about herself. I'll bet she has a bunch, but feels helpless about changing.

It must be tough to watch this happen to someone you care about. My first concern would be the well being of the baby, It sounds like the baby is being neglected? Have you discussed this with other family members? Maby as a group you can intervene and help your cousin. What about her husband? Is he the same way? I think that as long as the children are safe and your efforts have not helped, you may need to step back. Let her know why you are stepping out of the relationship for now and if you want to let her know that you care about her and that if someday she needed support in changing her life around you would be there for her at that time. I was in a similiar/but different type of situation with my sister and her problems started to consume me and added so much stress to my life. Sadly, I had to end my relationship with her and that meant her kids too. It has been very painful, but the best thing for me and my family. Good Luck and let us know how your doing.

I didn't read all the posts so sorry if i repeat. Shaun, your cousin probably has a drinking problem. I think you know that. She also probably resents you because you are a good Mom......something she probably feels she cannot be. Try not to judge her and listen to her when she talks to you. Tell her different people feel differently and that she should not be hard on herself for the way she feels. However if she feels inadequate then she can find ways to learn to love herself. Therapy, different programs.......but that would have to be her choice. Open dialogue and non-judgement might give her the opportunity to open up and even ask for help. Then maybe you could guide her to a good counselor. If she is an alcoholic this could be a long tough road. You may have to protect yourself and let go of the relationship at least partially.

Honestly, it sounds like you are ready to pull away from this relationship. That's okay. Don't feel guilty, but do your best to be sure her children are safe and consider talking to her parents if you feel they are not.

When parenting styles clash and you still want a friendship, you just do the friendship stuff and leave the kids out of it. Like go for coffee, a shopping day etc. But your real question is.... how to deal with an alcoholic. If the baby is 1 month old is there a father around? If not in house but involved? He should be speaking to your cousin as she is endangering his child/children as well. Can you speak to him? If he is not the one to talk to is their another cousin, her mom/dad anyone she would listen to? If you feel your words will fall on deaf ears then find someone who could get through to her. If you are noticing all this someone else in the family must as well. Forget the parenting style as you two will never be in step with eachothers choices of parenting and get her the real help she needs. My opinion, anyway.

sounds like post partum depression of which if she doesn't seek help it can become dangerous for her child to be near her. I also know from experience that some birth control can throw you into a depression and it isn't easy to get over. Also honestly I would rather fight with her than to let her get away with acting like that after all she has kids its time for her to grow up and take responsibility for them. you didn't mention how old her kids are and having kids to close together can affect a person's mental state.
get the whole family to do an intervention because if left untreated it can lead to postpartum psychosis of which is very dangerous. obviously her children's father isn't doing his part so maybe he needs some help too.

Dear Shaun,

Your cousin doesn’t have a parenting style; instead she has opted for work, booze, partying, and sleep over the care and feeding of her children. Rather than argue, I would sit down and write a heartfelt letter telling her how you feel and you are concerned for her and the kids.

While I don’t recommend you become a frequent baby sitter, you might let her know once and a while, you would be happy to take care of the kids (maybe even over night) when she goes out. I’m concerned about the drinking; something could happen to those children if their mother is drunk.

If what you write and/or say to your cousin falls on deaf ears, please talk to her parents or other close family and see what they think about a family intervention. It doesn’t sound like there is a father in the home, so you may be correct in thinking your cousin could be suffering from depression which would be compounded by the use of alcohol, drugs or medication.

Above all, the children should be protected.

Blessings…..

Robin is right: You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Also, she will most likely not respect your words because she has such a different parenting style. You need to find someone that she does respect (maybe who doesn't have kids or who is also a working mom) to talk with her. Maybe a few of you need to get together and have an intervention. It sounds like she does have post-partum depression from her first child and with her second child, it's gotten worse. Believe it or not, there are many mothers who do not automatically bond with their children (I'm one of them!). It takes time and work. It's frustrating when everyone else is fawning all over your baby, and you're thankful that someone else is in charge of the baby. It hurts. Really bad. That could be what's going on.

Maybe you could contact a psychologist who can direct you to some resources, or give a few ideas for you to try.

This doesn't really sound like a good situation for anyone involved. I'm sorry. May God bless you all.

Oh this sounds like me and my step-sister. I have 5 children, I chose to breastfeed and I homeschool. My children are ALWAYS with me. And, I love it. I can't get enough of them. Of course there are times I need a little break but I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

My sister is the exact opposite. Her daugther is 7, she has been in daycare since she was 6 weeks old. She goes to after school care and since her parents are broken up she lives 3 days on 3 days off with her mom. My sister goes out and parties and drinks on ALL OF the days her daugther is not with her. I think she must only see he child awake for 12 hours a week.

We got into a discussion once, where she said she just couldn't handle being home around her daughter all day. I told her I hope her daughter never hears her say that. She calls working her "break" time away from her child. It really breaks my heart that she is so anti-herchild. I can't understand this.

Once during an argument she told me that she is an "awesome mother". She thinks that I am raising "Idiot Christians who can't hack it in the real world" When in fact, because we homeschool my children are out in the real world everyday as opposed to her daughter who is stuck in an instistution all day with a bunch of bratty kids her own age.

It must be that we choose to raise our children based on how we were raised. My mom stayed home with us unitl my parents divorced. My dad married this career woman with one child who always had been in daycare. My stepmother couldn't stand her daughter either.

I have to remove myself from my stepsister. We don't hang out much. We have nothing in common. Her child is strange and doesn't interact well. I feel bad for her. I've had to try and turn off my feelings and realize that we all get the choice on how to raise our children. Blame it on the womens' lib for ruining motherhood for both moms and children.

Good for you for raising your own children.

Wow. I don't have a good answer, I never had this experience, I just think it would be really hard to be friends with someone who is neglecting their kids. This does not sound like a difference in parenting styles, more like neglect. Poor little kids. They are in for a rough ride.

I highly doubt you will change her, but you might want to say something, though your friendship probably won't survive it. I think the friendship is on its way out, anyway.