Did I Do the Right Thing? - Orwigsburg,PA

`I am glad you told the mom, I would want to know about my kid. The sitter should be working with the mom on how to handle....

In my opinion, you shouldn't have said anything. You weren't there all day with the kids, so you don't know all the details, but maybe the other little boy WAS doing better than he had been previously. If you just don't mention it again it should just blow over. Have a good day!

Honesty is the best policy. Did the other mother ask you or did you just offer it up? I probably would have told her only because I am one of those people who really doesn't care if you like me or not, but I'm going to be honest. I have found it works so much better than being fake. The sitter really should have told her though beause it will never get better unless they are working towards the same goal. (All in all, I don't think you did anything wrong.)

As a guilt ridden mother who has had to leave her children in the care and trust of others, I would not want to hear from another mother that my 14 month old baby is clingy. he is 14 months old, of course he is clingy. As a guilt ridden mother who has had to work yourself, I am surprised that you said something and even more surprised at all the mothers on here supporting you. What do you think that other working mother is going to be able to do about the fact that her 14 month old child is clingy? Is she going to quit work now? punish her child? change providers and upset him even more? no. she is going to go home and worry more about her baby.

If you are asking opinions about what you should do, I think you should apologize. you should apologize to the care provider for bulldozing her and apologize to the mother for adding to her already miserable situation.

Please, mothers, put yourself in others' shoes.

First of all, I can't believe your child is still at that same sitters house. You've posted many many many questions about this sitter and how you don't think she's properly caring for your child. The problem (the other child being clingy and the provider not being able to care for your child) has been going on for MONTHS!

By now you either have to accept that that's the way things are at the sitters or find a new one.

No, it's not your place to tell the other mother what the provider had said to you. It's was out of line. If the other mother had directly asked you, then you could have said something.

Bottom line: Either deal or get a new sitter. I don't mean to be harsh, but at some point you either have to change your circumstances or deal with the hand you have been played.

I totally disagree with Katherine below. I have been that guilt ridden mother. As a guilt ridden mother I would want to know exactly what was going on with my child. As a guilt ridden mother I would be upset that my child care provider did not give me the correct information. As a mother who is paying for a service, I would be upset that the child care provider complained to me and then lied to the mother. As a mother who is paying for a service, I would be upset that perhapes my child was not getting the attention that he should be getting as well.

I don't have to put myself in other's shoes, I have a pair just like them. I had terrible experiences with home child care providers and decided after one took off with my child that daycare was for us! We found a wonderful daycare center in our neighborhood and our daughter thrived in that environment. When we had our son, he too went to daycare.

I feel for the mother of the clingy baby. I do more than anything, but I feel for the mother whose son is not getting attention because the child care provider is not able to put a 14 month old down.

Sorry, I don't blame the mother for saying anything and I do not believe she should apologize to anyone! I believe the child care provider owes her an apology as well as to the mother of the clingly baby. She needs to communicate with the mother and let her know honestly what is going on.

A., You did fine. You were standing up for your child to ensure he also gets adequeate attention. There is no perfection and perfect situation and perfect timing...ever.
Good for you.
All the Best, Jilly

Holy cow! Deja Vu, Deja Vu, Deja Vu!

What's it going to take for you to find another sitter?

I think you did the right thing - I mean it would be one thing if it were only your personal observations, but the sitter did mention to you that she couldn't put the little boy down and she didn't know what to do about it - doesn't sound like the situation is getting better to me. And it sounds like maybe the sitter just doesn't want the other mom to think she can't handle him. I would definitely want to know if that were my child and he wasn't adjusting to playing on his own well...then the mom can intervene earlier with some different approaches, or talk to his pediatrician about it, instead of just thinking everything is ok. I think you did that mom a favor.

You did the right thing. I think the sitter probably wanted to reassure the mother that her child is all right while she's gone and not to worry. I would probably be concerned about what else she might be keeping to herself that you and the other mother ought to know about.

EDITED TO ADD: I have to vehemently disagree with Katherine posting right above me. I WAS in the OP's shoes with my eldest daughter and my MIL was babysitting her for a couple of years. My MIL never told me that my daughter cried the majority of the time I was gone EVERY SINGLE DAY that I worked. I couldn't figure out why my child had such horrible separation anxiety, and even now at 10 years old she has a fear of abandonment. Instead of being able to work with my daughter and my MIL to help ease the situation, I was left in the dark. I wish I had known when it was happening but no one told me until I became a SAHM when my 2nd baby was born.

This is not about making mom feel better, Katherine. This is about doing what's right for the baby and for the sitter AND the mom to make the situation easier for everyone INCLUDING the other children in the daycare. That sitter has an obligation to the other children in her care as well.

in-home care and day care should respect the privacy of its clients....

what she did was wrong. She should NOT talk about another child to you. If she's talking like that to YOU - what's she saying to someone else?

What I would've done was tell the caregiver that she needs to have a heart-to-heart with the other mom and that she shouldn't be telling YOU about another child's issues.

If she can lie to one parents face - she can lie to yours. find another provider.

This is absolutely NOT your business and you just potentially damaged the relationship between that child's mother and the caregiver. Were you trying to upset the other mother b/c that's all that was accomplished here.

When my son was an infant and I picked him up at the end of the day (when I was already feeling horribly guilty about leaving him), his daycare provider would cheerfully tell me that "we had a great day mommy!" and leave it at that. He may have been sobbing all day long, but what good would it have done to tell me? Nothing.

No, she is not glad. She is angry at the daycare provider, but mostly she's going to be angry with you. This woman is not your friend, she's not your sister, she's not a member of your family... it's not your job to give her a reality check.

Stay out of it and apologize to BOTH women for the damage you may have done.

EDIT: To the mother who implied that I wouldn't want to know if my son was having a hard time, of course I would. To imply that I can't be bothered is not only inaccurate, but not fair. According to your profile, you don't work therefore you have not been in my shoes. It is heart-wrenching to drop your child off to be cared for by someone else all day. If my provider needed to talk with me, she would do so in private- NOT in front of another mother which would only cause hurt feelings and more pain than you can understand.

For what it's worth, I think that the provider in the case is inadequate. There's a really good chance that she's not licensed and is doing this as a side-business. I would not have hired her in the first place b/c she sounds incompetent. However, if I was working with her... I would be searching for a new provider immediately b/c she is not LEGALLY allowed to discuss a child with anyone other than his/her parent.

I think you did the right thing. I think the sitter should have spoken up right there and there on a personal level. The fact that you opened your mouth to mention what she had told you was fine too. The sitter needs to learn to say things when she has to. She shouldn't be two-faced. It is also not fair to your child or the other children there not getting the attention they deserve. If the sitter approaches you, just tell her that she ought to bring about matters that are important to other parents as soon as she can.

I don't think either of you did the right thing. If that was all she said to you then she was probally just getting it off her chest after a long day. Just because she had a bad day does not mean he was not a little better. How would you feel if everyday you picked up your child the daycare provider said only negative things? Sometimes a daycare provider has to reassure the parents and this may have been one of those times. I was a daycare provider for over 20 years and yes at times I did leave out some information if I saw the parent was becoming stressed. Did I lie to the parents? NO! I think if she finds out you talked to the other parent it will put a strain on your relationship with her. I am not sure that is what you would want with the person caring for your child. Do you think telling the other parent helped out anyone? I am not sure it did but if you feel it did, maybe you did the right thing. Next time I would talk to the daycare provider and ask her why she did what she did. She may have a great reason that you do not know about. I was taught in college that for every 1 negative thing you say to a parent about their child you should have 6 positive things to say. Maybe she had already said her negative for the day.

My first thought was, how do you know she lied right to the mother's face?
Maybe both things said were true. Maybe she still can't put him down AND he's getting better.
Maybe she felt she had to say something to you so you wouldn't be upset she was holding another child and not yours when you came in. At any rate, I don't know why you felt the need to inform the other mother what the provider said.
I did daycare and had my fair share of little "cling-ons". I can't imagine a parent approaching another one about the fact their child needed to be held. And, if I told a parent that things were getting better, I would not have appreciated another parent taking it upon themselves to inform that parent that NO, things were not better. For one thing, you're not there all day and you don't know if he did fine while she prepared snacks that day or something.
Maybe you thought you were helping, but based on previous posts, I just have to wonder what your motivation for saying something was.
Worry about your own child being taken care of and if he's not, find another provider. You can't be, nor should you be trusted with information about other children. I'm sure the daycare provider has learned that, if nothing else.
I would find somewhere else for your child because this place will never suit you.
I mean no offense, that's just my opinion.

I would have talked to the sitter again and asked why she didn't tell the mom the truth. The other mom is now going to know the sitter talked to you about her child which is a no no in the first place. It would make me wonder what she says to the other parents about each other which is just one more thing that would make me question if she's the sitter for my child. You don't vent to the other daycare moms. That's what friends/spouses/family are for. Not your other clients. As one of the other posters said too, it would make me wonder what kind of care my baby is getting. Someone once told me it bothered her the one year her SIL did daycare because there was a baby in her care that would arrive in the car seart and still be in the seat when the mom came to get her looking like she was just waiting for her, when in reality, that's where she got her meals and where she sat. If I had known that, I would have reported her, but that's me. This is why I have a real problem with in-home daycare. There don't seem to be as many protocols to follow and nobody to keep the daycare provider accountable because she is the ONLY one there with the kids. Nobody knows what goes on during the day except her and the kids. Maybe if she had a video thing going where the moms could log in and see their kids throughout the day... At the same token, I've never been a fan of daycare schools for babies either because they are one of many there. Personally, I would look for family or a friend who stays home watch the child (people I trust completely) vs. someone who has a daycare BUSINESS.

Also, for the mom who said why say anything, what good would it do and used the example of if her child was actually crying all day, I cannot believe a parent would NOT want to know those things! I would absolutely want to know if my child was so miserable in his daycare that he cried the entire day! So as long as the parent doesn't have to have her feelings hurt because of the situation, it's okay for the baby/child to go through what they are? Even in this case, either the mom knows this baby is clingy because he is at home and she needs to be working on it with him or he is only like this at the sitter's and it's for a reason...he's scared of the place, scared of the other kids, scared of being away from his mom, etc. and as the mom, she needs to do what she needs to to fix that for him.

I dont think you should have said anything to the mother. That is up to the daycare provider. She might still be trying to figure out how to talk to the mom without saying her kid is a pain. Maybe she just said that to you as a vent as was at wits end by the end of the day.
However, I would be a little concerned about the care she is giving your child if she is holding another child all day long, as she is saying.

I'd be wondering what she's not telling me about my own child, and what she's telling other people about them! I probably would have left it without saying anything (it's not in my nature), but it sure would raise some concerns for me about the sitter.

well I just don't know why the provider said something to you. If I was the mom of the other child I would feel embarrassed that something was said about my child to someone other than me. I think I would have rather known personally, then I would have gone to the provider about it.

I feel that you shouldve spoke with the sitter. Since she expressed concerns to you, you in return shouldve let her know that maybe she should talk to the childs mother. That wasn't your place to do that. Now there may be possible tention btwn you and the sitter, you and the other mom or the sitter and the other mom.

I was in the opposite boat that you were in. I was the mother of the clingy child. Let me tell you I tried everything to make it so that he wasn't clinggy. took his favorite toys, stuffed animals, blankets, we skyped, had my parents drop him off. Still nothing. I took him to the doctor several times to make sure that he wasn't sick. Nothing. I can tell you that nothing you could have said or the daycare provider made me feel worse than knowing my son was miserable at school. I got the stink eye from other parents when I walked into the room. Oliver was crying untill I walked in. So, no I don't think it's any of your business. That is something for the provider to talk to the mom about. IF your child was being neglected, then yeah. But it doesn't sound like he is.

Personally...I would not have said anything to the other Mom...it really accomplished nothing....but there is nothing you can do now to take it all back. I would try and just forget it f possible....and use it as a lesson...for the next time something like this comes up...when in doubt...say nothing!!

Well she did kind of tell her that "he's getting better"... this is really something that the sitter and the mom need to work out. Maybe its an issue of the Mom is guilty about working so she carries him around everywhere when she is home, so that when he's at the center he expects the same thing.

I don't know if you telling her was right or wrong. Did it need to be said, yes, but you don't know what they've talked about when you aren't there. Maybe this is something that they ARE working on together, and the sitter was just trying to make a guilty mom feel good about it.

I do think that you telling her was probably you being a bit, not jealous, but wanting fairness for your child since when she's holding the other little boy, that's less attention going to your little boy.

If you really feel bad about it, talk to the sitter and get it out in the open. She'll either be upset that you mentioned something that wasn't your place, or relieved since she didn't know how to bring it up....

M.

To me, its a tough call whether you should have told the other M. or not. And as a former daycare worker I understand the way things went between you and the worker. My parents were all connected thru their kids at my daycare and would sit and talk and visit eachother for a few minutes when picking their kids up and I heard them many times discussing the differences and problems and high points of their kids. I shared how thier kids were reacting to eachother and how they got along, but I never gave out personal info (health, private stuff) or details of one child to another parent but I can see how the worker vented just a bit to you, but then saved the moms feelings by not making it sound so terrible when she walked in. We've all had those days when your kid cries a bunch, and even if it was really 15 minutes now and 2 minutes later, and 10 more mintues later,, it FEELS like ALL DAY! I had a tough day with my own son and he was in time out about 5 times, and when his dad got home I said, it was like the kid spent ALL DAY in time out! I had kids getting used to my daycare who cried a lot and needed to be held, but I know I put them down when I needed and they did get better. I had moms who told me they didnt want to know if their child cried a lot because it would make it impossible to work knowing he was upset. I never outright lied to them, but I had ways of breaking it gently how the day had gone. I always went for the positive side and built it up to be great strides in improvment whatever the problem was. Biting, hitting, crying, refusing to eat. I grasped at every little thing to help the parents be ok with it, and we talked about how to make it even better. My daycare was not business to me(evident by how little I charged) but it was one big family and sometimes one M. had great advice for another when they shared the problems. And given the short time the parents are in the home, dropping off and picking up, there was rarely any private time to discuss things with one and not have another parent overhear. Im still good friends with a couple of the moms, and dads, years later and some of them are great friends with eachother. If I had managed to keep them all separate from eachother and never discussed their kids in front of others, they'd all be strangers and be missing out on some great memories from their childrens childhood. So in the end, I think you shouldn't have told the other M. anything, but maybe offered her some encouragement and tried to make her feel more confidant about leaving her clingy child in daycare. If you want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth about your child, then be sure to let the daycare worker know. Then be prepared to deal all day with the knowledge you have that maybe your child is not constantly happy and well behaved. I am also pretty sure it will blow over and that little guy will adjust eventually and be less clingy for the daycare. I had plenty who started out rough and ended up extremely happy. And their parents all lived thru it too.