DH - Opinion Differences

Were you guys in a good place when you took the survey? Sometimes if something, even something really small, is bothering someone it can color their whole perspective for a minute. I ask this because for him to say you have never shown remorse seems irrational. No-one goes 18 years without showing remorse for something. So I am wondering if there is something that is bothering him that maybe just hasn't come to light. I think I would pray about it and ask God to bring out whatever is behind this negative reaction and then do what your man says, don't worry about it until it is really clear what is going on. You can't fix what you don't know is wrong. If he doesn't openly tell you what is up, ask God to get it out of him or to make you aware of anything you might be doing to contribute to his negative feelings. Beyond that, keep being the awesome wife you are and hang in there!

No, you're not (very) crazy. I don't want to minimize your feelings, but men and women tend to want the same things but ask for them differently. It's like my husband doesn't even speak English sometimes, but I often find out that we're saying the same thing! Use this survey as an opportunity to talk more intimately and re-learn each other. If you were dating and did this, would it bother you as much? How about if you were 5 years into your marriage? It only bothers you because you've been together long enough to take for granted certain assumptions that you've made over the years. It feels threatening and upsets your footing. That's not his fault, so don't make it his problem. Turn it into a positive experience, letting it spark new conversation between you. If it means that much to you, go to therapy and get some perspective.

WOW! This is actually what started me on the path I'm on now...looking for marriage therapists! I JUST posted then saw your post and read it. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. That is harsh and it does sound crazy to me! Dh answered a bunch that way too on our thing and it irritated me so we talked about it and it unraveled into this other thing...blah.This is why couples should never share ideas or talk!!!! ;) LOL

My first thought, when I read your story, was that I, too, "took the blame" for our problems, both inter-personal and with others. Been there, done that, kind of thing.

My husband of 17 years and I agreed to meet with a counselor (psychologist) for help with our marriage. I felt that we had all of our attention on our three boys and on finances. But precious "us" time or felt any real closeness. Your story matched how I felt then.

We are doing much better now. We learned more about how to talk to each other. Personally, I didn't know how to ask a question without "rubbing" him the wrong way.

My recommendation would start with letting your husband know that your feelings are hurt over this survey and ask when you two could discuss your reaction and his reaction.

Good luck! You definitely don't sound crazy to me. I do wonder which of you suggested taking and sharing the survey in the first place!

Hi D.-

I can't really explain your husband's response, but I can tell you that my husband and I have learned that we are completely in agreement on the "big stuff" in life (raising the kids, future plans, morals/spirituality, etc.) but when it comes to the "little stuff" and how we express ourselves we are completely different!! My husband will say things that seem like they are coming from someone I don't even know sometimes or worse yet, someone who doesn't seem to know me at all. And I'm sure he can say the same thing about me. When we get a chance to sit down and really talk about these things, we find more times than not, that we actually agree but differ in how we're communicating it.

Try to use this as an opportunity to talk to your husband without pointing fingers and getting angry but try to come to an understanding about the different topics that were discussed in the survey.

Good Luck,
K.

my husband says the same things, that he doesn't care what anyone thinks and i shouldn't either. what they really mean is basically anyone... but you, but thats beside the point.

those questionnaires can be eye opening, we do them at work periodically about our coworkers, alot of times how others see us is not how we see ourselves. you might feel you are one way, but through your actions others perceive you another way. it isn't always correct, and its very hard to change someone's perception of you once they've set it. i've learned that at work, work habits i have corrected years ago (specifically, when i first started it was pointed out that i wasn't speaking in a confident tone when talking to senior management) will show up every year on my review. I made note of it the first year and now speak up with confidence, but to this day it will come up on my review every year, and every year i have to point out why it is no longer an issue and every year my boss agrees it is not an issue, and then the next year it will show up again.

Do you really think he doesn't care what you think about him, or do you think it's just bravado to cover for his answers? The good thing is this questionaire has opened up some issues that you may not have known were there otherwise. I would suggest finding a reputeable marriage counselor to help you both sort out these communication issues. He needs to realize that his opinion of you is important because it is important to you, and he should respect that. At the same time you can see things from his point of view and maybe both of you can compromise.

You've been married 18 years so it's worth working things out, and I am sure you can!

go an some kind of spousal retreat
i am catholic and we have marriage encounter-

it reminds us how to LISTEN to each other

hang in there

mom of 4, works 1-2 days week as oncology nurse, next month it will be 17yrs marriage