Desperately Needing Relief!!!!

I would suggest the Love and Logic Parenting book. There are other good books on parenting out there also. If your son is rude about lunch, take it from him, and DO NOT allow a snack later. He will not starve. If he slaps you, leave. Take your own time out and refuse to do anything with him at all during that time. Take all his toys away, not just one, and let him earn them back.

That being said, you have to balance all that with the fact he is 3 and jealous of the new baby. When you tell him to clean his room, he also may be overwhelmed by the entire task, so break it down for him. Have him pick up his clothes, then later he can pick up toys, and etc. Find ways for him to help with the baby, such as fetch diapers, and praise him when he does that. Involve him as much as you can, but the minute he is rude, put a stop to it.

I just accidentally deleted everything I wrote. Long story short...
You WILL get through this.
Good for you for expressing yourself and asking for help.
Your number one job is to love and care for the children, everything else is secondary.
If you are not part of a mom's group, find one. This serves a couple of purposes: it gets you out of the house to get a fresh perspective. The kids can play with other kids while the mom's talk out their frustrations and exchange ideas on how to handle the terrible 2s, 3s, 4s, etc. (And wonderful 2s, 3s, 4s, too!)
Find a way to get a break...taking 20 minutes to take a bubble bath when your hubbie gets home and the kids are in bed. Take a walk. Get out of the house by yourself on for an hour on the weekend. Whatever makes you happy, do it. This renews your spirit and when you feel happy with yourself, you feel stronger and ready to love your 2 yo again.
Ask your hubbie to have a man to little man talk with your son. In understandable terms of course. Dad can play and roughhouse with your son, then have a talk. (You and your husband can decide what the "talk" will be. Your husband's job is to protect you and take care of you, and this may help. Make sure your husband and you are a team when it comes to discipline. If your 2 yo disrespects you in front of your hubbie, then your hubbie needs to stand up for you and let your son know that this is unacceptable behavior. Then have your husband put him in time out and if he won't stay in his time out chair then he should be "held" in the time out chair. Of course the restraining does not hurt the child. It is to show him who is in charge. Mommy AND Daddy are in charge TOGETHER. Two to 3 evenings of this and you may see a difference in behavior. When your son sees your husband respect you like this, he may follow suit.

This is just the surface of some advice but hopefully some of it will help you. I watched a lot of "SuperNanny" when my kids were little and it helped me to see that routines and time-outs done the right way can really help!

Also, if your son hits you, show that it hurts you. I mean that it hurts your feelings. this hurts you and it makes you feel sad inside. Show expression in your face and body language. This may get a better response than getting angry.

Love and Logic is good. Remember to be empathetic towards your son when he makes poor choices. "Too bad you made that choice. You will need to sit in your chair and take some time to think about that" etc etc

BTW for whatever it is worth, I bet your son still sees you as his beloved Mommy, and not a cook or a housekeeper.

Hang in there!!!!

I really like the Love and Logic parenting (authors Cline, MD. and Fay).

Like you, I have 3 kids. Mine are all boys and all very challenging in their individual ways.

One of the things I had to let go of was getting compliance on every thing. I learned to "pick my battles." What this really means is, as an example: don't tolerate any yelling back and let the clean room slide (I don't mean let fungus grow in there, but untidy vs clean).

One of the things I did with the yelling behavior was to ask in a quieter and quieter voice what he was trying to tell me. First, don't let your own anger build up. Be as matter-of-fact as you can. Second, you can say "I just don't understand what you are saying when you yell." You could say it hurts your ears or it gets all mixed up with the high volume. And, third, start applying emotion labels. One example is "Please don't scare me with with yelling like you hurt your toe! It looks like you are really upset. I find it a good idea to stomp my foot (or something) when I'm upset."

Use other words, frustrated, feeling cheated, anxious, antsy (get creative). Oh, and thank him and reward him for calming down. Or wait until a time he's calm and talk about it; how it is sad to see him unhappy and yelling and how it would be nicer if he drew a picture or somehow else expressed his feelings.

The quieter voice also compels your child to get quieter just to listen. And practicing it helped remind me to quiet my own emotional anger.

Good luck,
D.

Haven't read other responses yet, but here goes: At first when I started reading your request I thought, "Boy can I identify!" My now 4 year old totally had melt downs and we think it was related to the new baby (now 2). His anger went off the charts. Growing a little older has helped decrease the frequency of this, and also Dad stepping in and handling the little rascal and intentionally spending time with him. Reading books, including him on outings spending time one on one, playing on his level and conversing intentionally have really helped him move from wanting to stay the "baby" to desiring to be a "big boy" Also, realizing that he hates messing up has helped us understand the intensity that he's showing is partly directed at himself.
As I read on, however, I think you need to adjust your expectations. Is it realistic to expect your 3 year old to clean his room on his own with just reminders from mom? I'd sure like my 9 and 7 year old boys to do this! This is the time in life that you are involved in training your child to pay attention...if you are repeating yourself all day (and perhaps getting louder each time you do) you're training your child to only listen to you when you are upset and loud...or that you only mean it on the fifth reminder. Better to get in the room and work with the child and talk about what you are doing and then reward with a hug and a smile (and maybe a sticker) and just spending 5 minutes than a day of frustration. You don't need elaborate schemes or systems for this. Pick the lessons you want to teach ahead of time and be intentional instead of just reacting to what he's giving out.

When husband is home it is ok to let him handle the discipline. When dad isn't, just try to be consistent...my guy did the same things you've described and it is no fun. Remember, he's 3 he doesn't have to "respect you as a disciplinarian" or like what you are doing...just because its a struggle doesn't mean you shouldn't require of him decent behavior. He doesn't have to like it, but he needs to do what you ask, because you are his mother and that is that. My mom reminds me that, "God is on the side of mothers!" :) ok so I'm really writing a pep talk for myself too :)

This sounds like my daughter. In fact, she just erased what I had written so I am starting over. I have read many books and none seem to be the right fit. I have learned to pick and choose my battles. Somethings are just not worth getting upset about. If he doesn't eat, then he can be hungry. Maybe offer him a healthy snack like an apple so he isn't hungry. If he is hungry or sleepy it will be 10 times worse. Whatever you do try not to get out of control because he knows this and it fuels them. I know that is hard to do, sometimes I have to shut my door and count to ten. Good luck and just remember, when he is 20 you will want this time back.

S.,

Mothering, at times like this, is the MOST challenging thing I have ever done. I think you got some great suggestions, many of which have worked with my boy. I accidentally discovered that my tone of voice makes a huge difference. If I express how I'm feeling---totally at the end of my rope---he gets a charge out of it. If I keep things light and sing songy he is more agreeable. It is SO hard to do b/c in my head i'm thinking, "JUST DO IT..i have told you three thousand times". But, like everyone is saying....we are dealing with 3 year olds who don't have the higher reasoning yet are smart enough to understand compassion or ridicule. Just keep checking in with other moms and do what it takes to stay sane and get through.

if you are a christian you could try raisinggodlytomatoes.com.
she has really strict ideas and advocates something called tomato staking which is for very difficult children, where you keep the child by your side at all times, which means you can nip behavior in the bud b4 it even starts.
she also has ideas on discipline - some of which are a bit much, but if you have a very hard work child will work.
tomato staking worked for my son - i called it "being my shadow", he worked with me, and did chores with me - everything i did - he did.