Desperate Need of Help!!!

Ask him if breaking up his family, and putting them in jeaperdy, and losing what the two of you had is really worth a fling, that everyone may think a little excitement sounds good, but in the long run is it worth it. Then ask him what happened between the two of you that he feels like he needs this outside affair?? That maybe the two of you can work on whatever problem he thinks the two of you have. Sometimes it is something between the two of you that you don't want to look at, and sometimes it is somethng going on with them that has nothing to do with you,but you have to communicate, and try to do it in a calm way, or he won't listen.

I don't think you can stop it. Don't beg either... I've been through much the same thing although it did g

Oh my gosh! He is choosing his ex over you. Even if you forbid him to go, and he stayed it sounds like he'd still find a way to see her. I'm really sorry this happened to you. As someone else said, I would have sh*t waiting for him on the porch with the locks changed. You are so much better than that and deserve better and so do those kids. What kind of woman (ex girlfriend) does that? It sounds like he's already given up. I'd make him tell the kids before he goes, see what they do. I'm mean though. I hope he just had a brain fart and he will realize it's a bad idea and not go, you deserve better, remember that.

My husband is a financial professional, and I have had something similar to this happen to me in a previous relationship, I watched my mom get totally screwed by inaction, and I watched my best friend suffer (7 years later, her credit is still totally shot!) from hoping for the best. Here is what we've learned from experience AND from a professional side of things:
Are your children in school or daycare? If they are not, you need to take them either to your mother's (or friend's) house, or put them in a mother's day out program for this week. Call in sick to work tomorrow if you work, because this is CRITICAL timing. You don't want your children hearing things that would hurt them, especially this early in the game. You don't want to be burdened by dragging them around and whining while you do this. You need to focus all hurt, anger, fear, and energy that you are feeling right now and direct it all into righteous indignation for this week. I've been so depressed that I couldn't pump gas in the past, but you will have time to work it out, or mourn your loss, LATER. This week, we protect yourself and your children.
Not knowing your financial situation, I'll do the best I can with the info at hand.
#1-Pack up an emergency bag(s) for you guys in case there's an emergency and you need out for a couple days. Do this first. It doesn't matter where you're going yet, you may not need it, but just have it all together and in the car. Keep this quick and simple: 2 days worth of clothes, your dayplanner/address book, financials, ID stuff. Include in this packing all evidence you have of the affair (don't care if it's "emotional" or not-any emails, bills, etc) to be given to the lawyer.
#2-Do you have an account in your own name? If not, go online and open one up, very first thing in the morning. While online, if you have access to online banking (passwords, etc) you can then print off statements if he's got anything on the account that would show an affair. You can then move money from the joint account to the individual account. If this doesn't work or you're unable to do online banking, go to the bank yourself, as soon as it opens.
#3-Do you have a credit card in your name, and your name ONLY? If so, good. If not, then while you are still at the bank, BEFORE you are separated (ESPECIALLY if you do not have a job yourself), open one up RIGHT THERE AT THE BANK. It will be better/easier to open one while you can still legally claim the income he makes as "household income". This will come in handy for emergencies and just needs to be there, period. Put all paperwork/records from step 1 and 2 into a file folder and keep it in your car.
#4-Find a lawyer and tell him your situation and that there are 3 children involved. You will want him/her to provide legal services for a set fee. If you have $15k or so in your bank account (joint, checking) you will write him/her a check up front for his services (thinking $3 to 5k?)with this joint account (so it comes out of husband's money too). I say this because you want $10k in cash if you have this much money. If so, you will have it noted on paper that you're letting your lawyer know what you have done (withdrawing that amount of cash) and that you are not "stealing" it or trying to hide it: you are ensuring the bills are paid and there is a roof over your childrens' heads. You ABSOLUTELY MUST have this next step done tomorrow (time is critical)---you will have this lawyer help you with a letter that you will send off if your husband has a 401(k) and/or IRAs letting them know that there are legal issues with your marriage right now and accounts must be frozen or at least require spousal consent for withdrawals to be made. Yes we know that 401(k)s are not joint accounts, but legally this is a retirement for the family and they WILL freeze withdrawals without spousal consent until court proceedings tell them what to do because you're entitled to a portion, based on value. You will overnight this, it is worth the $20 fee. If necessary, I would even phone it in (ALL calls to financial institutions like Fidelity or whoever are recorded) and you can tell them your situation. They may or may not be able to do anything until the paperwork gets to them, but they can have it noted on the account what is going on which can help later.
#5-Another thing you can do if you have more money in your accounts: you can legally open up a UTMA account(universal trust to minors act) or it may be called a UGMA (universal gift to minors act): this will put money aside for the children to make sure they are taken care of if the marriage turns into an ugly drawn out divorce situation. You are allowed to donate $12k for each child, for each adult. But if my understanding is correct, if your account is joint then you could do 12k from you, 12k from him...but I'm not sure about that. But either way, you can do at least 12k (possibly up to 24k if I'm right about the joint account) for EACH child. So that is at least $36k that you can sock away and protect your assets because it's not "yours", it's for your children's needs. If you don't have this much money, let's say you only have $2500 in the joint checking and/or savings account: just clear it out and take it all. BEFORE he does. But if you have large sums of money, this UTMA account is a way you can legally get around the limits the bank puts on things. The way you can do this is to open an account, say with Fidelity (who we use): you will need your drivers license number, your social security #, and your childrens' social security #.
#6-This one is so very important, with possibly the longest lasting affects: redflag ALL credit cards that have both you and your husband's name on them. You can NOT allow him to go to Vegas, or to have access in general, to anything that can mess up YOUR credit. Especially in these times, you must protect your credit at all costs. With lenders being extra cautious loaning money out because of the problems that have been caused by them tossing out loans too easily, you need it to be as good as possible. You will also find that many jobs will not hire someone with bad credit. So you are going to stop him from screwing up your life with this. Call them (all cards that are joint) and tell them you need to freeze them immediately: someone has taken your cards. Do not allow any charges to be accepted.
That will be enough to get you started. Then I would call his parents, yeah I would. Don't cuss or speak in anger (because whether he's right or wrong that would put them on the defensive)---speak to them from where you're at: you're terrified, you're hurt, you don't know what to do but this is what you found and this is what he said.
And finally, PLEASE don't take this wrong. If you can save a marriage then fine and good, it's not my place to judge. BUT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT get fooled into doing anything that is financially unsound or against your lawyer's advice because he says "I was just trying to see if anything was there, trying to get it out of my system, I want to work things out with you but you need to___, or I wish we could work this out but you have ___". My mother went against her legal (and parents) advice because dad was saying "this is just paperwork, this is just formalities, I want this out of the way so we can just start over from ground zero and work things out". The very day she signed those papers, dad was gone. He was married a month later. My best friend: she found out her husband cheated on her while they were engaged. She was upset, but didn't know what to think because they weren't married at the time. I told her to set up an account in her MOTHER'S NAME. She was a secondary name in case of an emergency, but it was her mother's money. She was to take 10% of every dollar he brought home and put it in this secret account (her mom's name, the paperwork was at her mom's house). She was working, so I told her she had to save 20% of every dollar she brought home in that account. She was to siphon $10 here and there everytime she went to the store, etc. She was worried this was showing a lack of faith in their relationship. I told her to do this for 1 whole year. If the year went by without incident, then she had the money to do one awesome anniversary trip-a second honeymoon or something-but if he messed up within the year, she had some cash. She did not do this. He left her the day the baby was born. Her credit is totally shot, 7 years later. I know that you haven't received notice to do this, but if you are hoping that your marriage can be saved, that is not my business. But if you are hoping this, and you guys try to work things out, I advise you to do this to protect yourself. If you are hoping the marriage stays intact, fine....then he should understand that you were not hiding the money, you were protecting your childrens' interest. If not, you have done what you needed to do. Please take these steps into consideration. They are not spiteful, they are NECESSARY. If you have any questions or need help, message me.

CZ,

You've gotten so much feedback & it's really run from one extreme to the other. Think very carefully before you act, but you are going to have to make some choices & take charge of yours & your children's fate. Don't just see yourself as a victim in this. Take charge of what parts of it you CAN control.

Having walked through this before & going through it with friends, I want you to know that you need to really evaluate what you want from this relationship before you make any decisions.

With three kids you're both probably pulled in a lot of directions that seldom includes being pulled together. There's so much involved in raising a young family that's not easy & really tries a relationship.

As has been said, there have probably been problems with your relationship prior to this but if they haven't been screaming loud enough, they haven't gotten the attention they've needed to be healed & dealt with.

You're the only one that can analyze what the two of you have gone through, when things changed, or if he's always been detached & you're the one that's always held things together.

There are life effecting choices that you both are going to have to make here & as a parent there's a responsibility to make the decisions that are ultimately going to best for your children.

If your husband is unwilling to acknowledge his responsibility for allowing this affair to happen, as well as his responsibility for his part in your relationship being where it is, you're probably up against a brick wall. You both would need to be willing to take a good hard look at yourselves, admit what "YOU" each individually have done in the relationship to allow it to get to this point & then be open to rolling your sleeves up to do the hard work required to sift through it all & try to get back to the marriage that you both wanted initially. Either way, you need to get some solid Christian based counseling.

While I can appreciate the desire to be vindictive towards him, that ultimately could end up being evidence used against you. Don't do anything out of hurt & anger that you potentially could regret. It can follow you a lot longer than what it would ever be worth.

Use wisdom in making sure that you've taken care of your children & yourself financially. If family members from either side of the family would be supportive & not potentially add to the problems right now, inform them & let them rally around you.

If you can calmly call & talk with this other woman, then take a deep breath, say a long prayer & call. Be prepared that she may not care about how this all could play out for you & your children. One persons right & wrong can look very different from someone else’s. Trying to make her feel bad or guilty could be impossible in some cases. If you call & are a raving lunatic, make threats or just simply fall apart, it may only serve to support in her mind the things that he could have been telling her about you. The purpose of your call needs to be business. Let her know that you're aware of her, as well as his plans to come out there. Make sure first of all that she knows you're still married & not separated at this point. If you don't get any type of response that you'd be hoping for, hang up & let it go.

There do need to be consequences to his actions, so if he goes, what are you prepared to do? You're the only one that knows if you're strong enough to move him out & hold to your stipulations for him if he turned around & said that he wanted to come back. Ask yourself if you want to go through this again at some point though. This isn't something that you can ignore & hope that it was just a phase & will correct itself. This is something that would have to be attacked by both of you & totally fixed in order for you to move forward with any kind of marriage that could last.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this & empathize with all the emotions that go with it. No one wants to find themselves in the middle of something like this, but you're there & unfortunately, you're going to have to walk down this road right now.

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, radically for him as well as you & the kids. Ask for wisdom & discernment, then follow the leading that you get from God more than any advice you get here.

By now you have gotten the idea that the majority of your responders are of essentially the same opinion: 1)Set your boundaries, first by telling him this "affair" is not acceptable in your marriage, PERIOD! 2)Get an appointment with a therapist ASAP TODAY, and go with or without him, 3) See an attorney TODAY and I wouldn't tell your husband you're doing that, 4) Don't leave your house, but if he goes on this trip, change the locks without his knowledge, 5) Don't, I repeat, DON'T tell the kids any of this and make sure they DO NOT HEAR you talking to him or friends on the phone about this--they are not old enough to process this appropriately, and do not need to feel they have to take care of your or your husband's emotional needs; others have suggested taking the kids to friends' or family--probably a good idea, 6) Before he leaves, check all the accounts, credit and bank, and do whatever you need to make sure you are financially safe--an attorney will help you with this. None of the above necessarily means you will ultimately get a divorce, but in case that happens, you are smart and safe.

I suspect you left out many details surrounding all of this for sake of brevity, but please hear from me and all the others that responded, YOUR HUSBAND'S EMOTIONAL/OR OTHERWISE AFFAIR IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE and absolutely NOT A PART OF A HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE RELATIONSHIP, and his audacity in planning a trip to Las Vegas for 5 days with her IS INSANE!!! In all of the suggestions I listed above, please hear that I did not advise being vindictive, just QUIETLY and in a DIGNIFIED manner, set the boundaries for yourself personnally and for the kind of marriage you want. Actions speak very loudly; don't beg, plead, manipulate, etc.--JUST QUIETLY TAKE ACTION!!! If there is any chance for the two of you to have a healthy marriage, you must set boundaries for what is acceptable for you NOW, or the chances are that he will not respect you as a strong woman equal and even if you make it through this together, if you are not pro-active now, you will likely find yourself in another situation in which he treats you with UTTER DISREPECT. If you feel shaky about this, call your best friend or someone you trust to support you through this.

Good luck to you, and if you are a praying person, pray that the best, most wholesome solution be revealed to you. I certainly will be praying for you, your children, and for your husband that he can see before it is too late how to removed the "fog" from his brain.

Sincerely,

R. B.

I, too, am sorry you're having to deal with this. My dad treated my mom that way, and it was an ugly thing to grow up with. But you can't stop him ... the only person whose behavior you can control is your own. If I were you ... I would say, "I love you and I want to work this out. But if you do this, if you go see her, we (meaning you and the kids) will not be here when you get back." And then make it happen. Or, if you can't leave because of the kids, tell him he will not have a home when he returns, and then change the locks. EVEN IF YOU PLAN TO TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT LATER ... you both need to know how far he's willing to go. Maybe he just wants to "try things out" with her. Then, if she's gained weight, or the chemistry isn't there in person, maybe he's planning to beg for forgiveness and come back home, as if nothing happened. Don't let him. Make it so that he has to work his way back, or prove himself. Do not be the wife who "understands," who gives him his "space" and stands by with tears in her eyes while he tries to "figure things out." If he needs another woman to help him do that, then his heart is not in the right place. If you allow it, you'll set yourself up for a repeat of the same thing down the road. Your kids need you to be strong and show them that loving someone doesn't mean taking all the bad behavior they can dish out. Sometimes it means drawing a line and holding their feet to the fire. You don't want your girls to marry guys like him, and you don't want your sons to BE guys like him. He needs to do the right thing, by you AND by his kids.

April C had detailed financial advice. As for the emotional/spiritual side of this .... it's rarely the "other" woman/man that really matters -- it's what that person represents. Freedom, fun, sex, money, youth, etc. A need that is unmet or a part of himself that is denied or buried. And that is NOT about you. The way I see it, your husband's greatest opportunity here is to determine what this woman represents to him and then do his own healing and growth work to find out who he is. That's a strong man to me. One who can stay in his marriage, not have the affair, and have the courage to look at himself as the problem and solution. Be kind to yourself.

Hey CZ, I am so sorry to hear you are having such an awful time right now. That is a terrible thing your husband is putting you through and I will keep you in my prayers.

You said he "couldn't stop" but you didn't say whether he said he wanted to stop?
I recommend telling him that you both need to attend marriage counseling and he needs to stop seeing her (just for now) until you do.

1) If he refuses, I would file for a divorce, right away! Whoever files first, has the upper hand in the proceedings. And it will limit your liability for any financial losses he is going to incur from here on out (especially while he's in LV doing god knows what). You can always get back together if he cleans up his act and you still want him back. But for now, protect yourself and send the message to him that you mean business. You do love him, but YOU DESERVE a real marriage and you intend to have nothing less.
- Either way, you have marital and financial assets that you need to protect IMMEDIATELY in case this other woman starts demanding money/gifts/whoknows from you obviously vulnerable hubby.

2) Put a freeze on (or just cancel) any cards that are in both of your names (you can use cash for now) because YOU will be liable for any balances he incurs with/for her. If you cannot close them, you can put a FRAUD ALERT on them and mandate that they call your phone number for any purchase approvals. Also call the 3 credit reporting agencies and put a FRAUD ALERT on your SSN, so that no new cards can be opened up. Here is a website with the phone numbers on all three and how to do it :http://www.creditlock.com/fraudalerts.html

3) If you can, CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS, and open new ones in just your name. You know that you are not going to steal all his money and run away, but you don't know that he isn't going to. Certainly you can OPEN a new account and then transfer or withdrawl as much money as you are legally allowed and start putting all your deposits in there.

Again, this is awful, but start thinking logically since he clearly is not. SAVE YOURSELF and maybe he will come to his senses here soon.

I've been there... couldnt disagree with the last comment more. YES, stand up for yourself. Calmly (this is the hard part)tell him that you respect yourself and the kids too much to be a part of this. Tell him "I am going to be the only woman in your life or I wont be at all. Let me know if you want that someday and it will be open for DISCUSSION." Your calmness will SHOCK him. Of course this is where you dont have control over what he decides. And this isnt something you want him to answer in that moment....He may (and very possibly) say that he wants to be with the other girl. Tell him that he needs to take all of his things with him as he will not be returning home. You cant beg him, convince him, coerce, him back to you. he has his decisions...you've said that you want the marriage to work, but his actions are saying taht he does not. You have then kept your dignity. I agree that freezing assets/credit cards, etc can be a good idea...dont let him run you down with him. You will have enough on your plate.

Yes the tire slashing, screaming, throwing things feels good for a moment, but then you feel ashamed that you have stooped to his level. Also, if you REALLY DO want this to work...he isnt going to think "you're right, she is throwing things...i want HER!" ha! Be classy, and if NOTHING ELSE he will someday be amazed by your integrity. He may go for awhile and then want to come back...you will know what you want/need to do at that time...maybe you want to try again/maybe not...but go in with your boundaries so that you stand up for yourself. never again will i let someone treat me the way i have been for the past 3 years.

good reads:
boundaries by john townshend
tough love (or love must be tough) by dr. james dobson (i didnt agree with EVERY word, but it has some good points...it talks about saving a marriage when only one of you wants it)

I also disagree that you shouldnt tell your family. My family is VERY outspoken so i didnt tell anyone except my sis that is my best bud....you need some support...a family or friend...she took me in for awhile and allowed me to clear my head.

this is very fresh for me...as it only happened 3mths ago...the only advice i have is what has helped me through the past 3 mths....I dont have all the answers, but I know that i can hold my head high AND believe it or not I have a man that is begging for me back (we'll see on that, not saying thats the best option, but i didnt run him off, yet, ha!)

Read, laugh, cry, talk with at least one person closest to you..preferably someone who is nonjudgmental and will just let you VENT instead of giving advice...advice is nice, but you need to do what YOU NEED/WANT to do...sometimes talking out loud or journaling helps. remember, you cant control him, but you can control how you will allow yourself to be treated.

PLEASE email me if you need anything...hang in there..wish i could say it was easy, but it SUCKS! :/

My advice may be different than most of the others, my husband and I seperated for years and are now back together in a healthy relationship. I am not sure how old you or your husband are or how old you were when you met/married. My husband and I grew up together. He was my best friend all the way through school, however we dated other people. After high school we reallized we loved each other and by the age 20 were married with our daughter on the way. Neither one of us ever lived on our own or dated others as adults(out of our parents houses). I stayed at home with our daughter and soon began to realize he was not happy at home. He would sneak around on the phone, come home later than neccessary until one day I put him out because my "friends" told me he must be cheating because he talked to one girl all the time. (we checked the phone records) We were both devastated. He ended up having an affair with her, but only after I had listened to my friends and refused to let him back in. All I am saying is that nobody knows your situation like you do. Do you trust him? Have you asked him why he feels like he needs to go? Is he going to get away from the everyday stress of life? He may not have any intention on having a physical affair. My advice is to sit down and talk to him, find out what he is missing at home. My husband said that when he came home everyday he felt like I didn't have time for him, I babysat out of our home & when he got home I was exhausted! TALK to him before you make any life altering decisions. I will keep you in my prayers.

I told my husband I get on this site from time to time and read the requests. I told him about your request and we really were concerned for you even though we don't even know you. So, you see how just talking to others really can help. I prayed that things would get better for you as I'm sure others did. Being married should be a union between you, your husband, and God. It does get tough along life's way,but if you keep your eyes on the Lord and love for one another you will do just fine. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 33 years. Hang in there and I want to hear updates. God bless

This must be HORRIBLE for you! I know you want to save the marriage, but first things first. Get thyself to a bank, open an account under your name and transfer ALL the money from ANY joint accounts into your new account. Tell the bank that the checkbooks were stolen, whatever...you will not be able to CLOSE the joint accounts without your husband, but I don't think there's anything preventing you from MOVING the money...it's yours afterall. You better do this before your husband does, because any guy telling his wife he's having an affair and "can't stop himself" already has one foot out of the door. If you won't do this for yourself, do it because you have three kids to support - you've got to make sure the bills get paid, because your husband's first priority right now is obviously NOT his family.

AFTER you've done this, tell him that if he leaves, you will have the locks to the house changed while he's gone, so he better pack anything he wants to keep because anything left behind will be either donated or placed on e-Bay for sale (I believe the leading cause of bankruptcy filings is divorce, so you might really need to sell the stuff for cash).

Now is the time to play hardball...this guy is messing with your kids future!! Do you know how hard it's going to be on THEM if he leaves this marriage?? Think of splitting the holidays between 2 parents, explaining to them why dad's not there to tuck them in at night, swapping the kids for weekend visits, etc. Hopefully this shock therapy will snap your husband out of it...I mean, did he truly think he could tell you he was having an affair and you wouldn't do ANYTHING about it? If so, you've got to ask yourself why. If this marriage can be saved remains to be seen, but take care of the practical stuff first for your kids' sake.

YOU CAN BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND :)
I am in the middle of a divorce and just had my 9 yr anniversary. We too have three children. I was a stay at home mother for the entire 9 years. It was the hardest thing to believe I could do it on my own. But it has been 6 months, I have a job and my kids! One morning he woke and told me he was leaving (the difference was he had always been with his toes out the door) so I really wasn't as surprised. We should be signing the divorce papers this week. And guess what, he wants he back! Right now I have realized I am stronger than I thought and I deserve better.
I am only telling you this because I want to let you know what ever you decide you will be OK. If this is his only time and he wants you back and realizes the grass isn't always greener then he will need counceling, but if he leaves I want you to know you will be OK! If you need any advice please feel free to email. Been there, done that, and still learning and going through it!!

Call his parents and tell them right now. Even if they don't like you much, and hopefully that's not the case, they will not be happy about splitting up the grandkids.

Then call a counsellor and make an appt for the 2 of you and tell him you expect him to attend as part of the vows he made to you on your wedding day.

Then call the woman in Vegas and tell her to butt out of your marriage and how dare she try to interfere with the sanctity of the marriage and family. Holy cow!!!

Ok. I didn't read all the responses, but I did read down to Traci O. and I agree with her. You need to have his parents, best friend, pastor if you have one, ect. get involved. Maybe he would be embarassed enoguh not to go through with it. Besides if everyone knows what is going and this do go south, the you have witness's that he left you. He should got o counseling with you too, per his marriage vow agreement. I would also call the women and tell her you do not approve of her interfearing with you marriage and she will have to deal with that guilt the rest of her life.

Now, one of the best marriage movies I've ever seen is Fireproof. This movie is so good and is all about marriages. Please, get someone to watch the kids and try to go see it and see if he can too. I doubt he would go with you, but he might. The movie has been out for a while and may not be out much longer. The message in the movie has been healing marriages all over America.

I'll be praying for you,

Hello!

I am sorry for this present and common situation!
I would call every prayer list that I could. They are free! The 700 Club, Guideposts, Dallas Prayer Network, ORU Prayer
Tower, etc.
I would try to call the ex girlfriend and teel her that she is destroying a family.
Talk to a pastor and see if he will talk to your husband.
Talk to your husband's friends and ask them to talk to him.
Many people have gone through this and kept the marriage.
Do not lose hope! GOd will love you and never leave you no matter what. Call out the Jesus!
"All things are possible through Christ who strengthens you!"
You are a blessing of hope to your husband and children.
Hang on! This too will pass!
Blessings to you!
Sincerely,
C. N.

C Z, let him go. He’s made up his mind and you have to figure out what your next steps are.

Please, please, please, if not for yourself, do it for your children. Get yourself an attorney and I would READ AND RE-READ APRIL C’S ADVICE. Some of us have been there and done that and looking back, some of us would have done a lot of or most of what April C suggested. My only addition would be to be sure that you go to the bank and get yourself a safety deposit box – put in it all of the papers (and anything else that may be of value 401(k), savings, credit card receipts, jewelry) that April told you to keep in the car. You NEVER know what anyone is capable of when under duress. AND I would share what is going on with someone that you feel very close to and completely trust (even if this person doesn’t live close by). Pride should be put on the back burner right now - you need someone that can help you think clearly.

Don't let your emotions control what needs to seriously happen right now and don't allow yourself be blinded by how much you love him. Do yourself a favor and make sure that you and your children are your first priority-the smart way.

This is very important and if you don't stand up for yourself now, when will you? At this point his love for you and your children was ignored since he's had this 'emotional relationship' for over three weeks (let's be real here). His leaving for his trip is actually putting you in a very powerful position – USE IT!

My thoughts for strength and courage are with you!

Just so you know you can close a joint account without both parties there! So 1st I would close what ever joint accounts you have a put all that money somewhere in just your name. Then I would disable his car Thursday night and be gone with the kids by the time he is ready to leave Friday morning! If he is going to cheat why make it easy!!!!!

CZ,
Wow my dear! What a mess! Telling a man what to do is the best way to get them to do the opposite. Especially with his attitude.

Give him a choice. Explain to him in a firm calm voice that it is his choice to go or not. These are the consquences if he goes. You will change the locks, contact a lawyer. He better take anything with him that he wants to keep. If he stays, then be willing to find a good counselor.

Don't allow him to come back if he goes. That will just reward bad behavior.

Take Care & God Bless!
P.

Wow this is bringing back some hard memories for me as my husband did the same thing but with a friend of our camping group. We are still together but it was a very difficult time for us. I can say that if it had not been for the fact we have children, we would be separated.

One thing to remember is regardless if there is or will be going to the next level, he is committing adultery...harsh word but that is the truth of the matter. I am Christian and shared the book "Every Man's Battle" with my husband just recently as he was still having emotional adultery with internet sites and such. That book deals with the onslaught of inappropriate temptations to men in our world and gives some biblical backing to why it is a sin. Things seem to have improved with us and I am fully trusting in God that my husband has eyes for only me now.

As for stopping your husband from going, not sure on that one. If my husband had continued and insisted on seeing "the other woman" I am positive that I would have filed for divorce. To save a marriage you HAVE TO get rid of those temptations!! He can't possibly work things out with you or reassure you if he continues with this AFFAIR!!!

I will be praying for you and know that I share your pain and heartbreak.

So sorry you are going through this. But,to be honest, if he is that adamant and matter of fact about going, I don't know that you will even be able to stop him. He obviously has feelings for this woman and could care less about you. He is showing blatant disregard for your marriage vows, your feelings and your children. I would give him an ultimtum that if he goes to be prepared for his things to be boxed up and waiting for him in the garage. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does this you will NOT stand by and allow him to cheat and that one of you must set the right example for your children. It is going to be very hard on you and your children but you cannot be a doormat for someone who clearly cares about this woman more than you. You (and your kids) deserve better than that. I understand the pain because my ex cheated on my and I took him back only to catch him a second time. I am so glad we didn't end up marrying like we were supposed to. Right now I am seperated and in the process of a divorce, not because of cheating, but it hurts like hell all the same. I wish you the best of luck and stand your ground!!

At this point the only thing left for you to do is give it to God. He is in control, fully believe that and he is going to take care of you His way. We can't always understand it because sometimes His way is not our way so we don't things are happening for a reason. I hate that this is happening to you and I will pray for you.

Y'all are definitely in my prayers.
One thing I have learned: two people, as they grow closer to God, can't help, but grow closer to one another.

I pray that he will realize that he is sacrificing NOTHING when he turns his back on the relationship that leads him from God and from his family. I pray that both of you will focus on being there for one another in the way God intended, and that you will be able to rebuild your trust completely.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and my prayers are with you. You can't control what he does, but you can make sure he understands the consequences of his actions. He needs to understand that he is not only cheating on you, but also his 3 children. They will bear the scars of his decision to walk into another relationship. Tell him you love him and want your marriage to work, but he has to put an end to this and refocus on you and his family. You both need counseling, but if he refuses, by all means go alone for your own sake. Your marriage can survive this if he will make the commitment to work with you and turn away from this other relationship. But you must be firm and let him know that you cannot stand by and allow him to do this to you. If he leaves to meet her in Las Vegas, you need to tell him he cannot just come back home. Get legal advice (not necessarily for a divorce, just know where you stand), change the locks and make him realize that this choice will cost him dearly. From your post, it sounds like he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you'll accept it. As hard as it may be, you can't allow that. Ask him to put his marriage and family first, and to go for counseling, but if he refuses, be prepared to take action. You could still go to counseling and try to repair the damage when he gets back, but he can't just come back home like nothing happened. A good marriage is worth fighting for, but you can't do it alone. I pray that this nightmare ends soon for you and your family.

Just out of curiosity, what do you mean by "emotional affair"? I don't want to jump to any conclusions before I know what exactly you mean. My only reason for saying this is if she is an old friend (or girlfriend, in this case), is she going through a tough time right now? Maybe a death in the family or an illness and she's leaning on your husband for support? Instead of letting him go alone, maybe you should go with him (leave the kids with a relative).

My parents have been married for 33 years and my father is one of those men who takes care of the women in his office. He's helped women escape abusive husbands, testified for them in child custody battles, and has even given families a Christmas full of presents because one woman lost everything in a fire. In the beginning, my mom had some concerns about these relationships, but when she decided to join him on one errand for someone, she loved doing it - helping someone who needed help. Maybe your husband is just a caring person who is trying to help a friend in need? Again, without all the details, I don't want to rush to any conclusion and tell you to break up your marriage over this.

I don't know what to say. If you can try and get him to tell you what he needs from you. Remind him that relationships go through phases and you can work it out. Tell him that once it goes physical it changes. He might relize once he sees her that he loves you too much to do anything. Wow what a situation. Right now it is new they flirt and he feels that high of a new relationship, A new relationship only feels that way in the begining. Remind him of that. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM NOW. It might be as simple as you being so consumed with the kids that you've neglected your relationship with your husband.(not hard to do, children are consuming) If you are a christian ask him to pray with you about it, maybe it will open his eyes. I think he could be so caught up in the moment of the excitment that he is not thinking consequences. I am praying for you.

A great resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com. My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker and this website was a good source of information. He tried to tell me that because they never had sex, it wasn't an affair. The site had a great article about emotional affairs that we both found helpful.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dear CZ
My heart goes out to you. In this type of situation there no real words that could describe the terrible pain you are feeling. Although you are feeling pain, disappointment, anger and pretty much any imaginable feeling right now, you must keep level headed!!! Tracy C, gave you excellent advice. You must protect your children!!! Your husband has decided to through away 8 years, without regard for you or your kids! YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!! All marriages go through hard times. But he is taking that extra step, he has a choice and he is not making the right one. Please, do not blame yourself!! Ihave been married for 12 years now and believe me it has not been easy! but you work at it. Again sweetie, keep your feet in the ground, follow the advice and protect your kids and yourself! if he thinks for one minute that he can go and have a fun weekend in vegas and come home to you, he needs to know that you will NOT stand for it. Be strong!! Fight for what is yours, do not let this other women take away what you have worked 8 years to build! show your husband that you are not be messed with. If you are able to stop him from going and from following through with this affair, get into COUSELING IMMEDIATELY!! - marriage is worth saving! but don't be a door mat! you had the courage to ask for advice, and all of us who are writting to you feel for you and we are all disgusted! but, it is ultimately up to you, follow throught and stand up for yourself and your kids! Sweetie! i know, we all know you can do it!! BE STRONG!!! FIGHT BACK!!

i wish you the all the best!!!

well this is really hard for you as I can see, but let me tell you that as I see it you are not going to stop him from going to see her because he told you already, he didn't denied it so is a jerk and don't deserve you I know this is not what you want to hear but I think you should get divorce and put a report or something so you can have sole custody of your kids. I think that you marriage is over he is going to stay 5 days with her!!!

If you have to figure out a way to stop him then somethings wrong. He should not of went there in the first place. If he is willing to jeperdise your family and marriage to drive to Las Vegas for a week then the man is going to realize what he has lost when it is gone, you have to stand up for yourself and your children do not let him walk on you like this.

See a good lawyer asap! Protect yourself! If he treats you like this, you deserve better.

I don't think you'll be able to stop him from going. What you can do is tell him flat out the consequences of if he does go. If he still chooses to go then you'll have a huge decision to make if he comes back. Have you tried contacting this woman? Maybe she thinks he's available. If she knows that he is still married with 3 children she may not want any part of him. I would be calling her ASAP! I wish I had better advice for you. Best of luck to you and your kids!

No one can tell you what to do about your life however it is clear that your husband is not cheating behind your back. He didn't deny his "relationship", and in fact told you he was going to see her. Now that it's out in the open he will not hesitate to continue to disrespect you. I personally do not think I would be able to get over that. Trust is earned and it would take a long time for me to trust someone bold enough to tell you he's traveling to see an ex. What?! You do not have to take that and you shouldn't. Getting other family involved is a mistake. This is something you need to work out on your own.

C.Z.,
I am so sorry to hear that things in your marraige are not well. One thing that you must understand is that you are only responsible for your actions. You can't stop him from doing anything that he wants to do. You can however pray that God would speak to his heart and his mind and consider his actions. Make no mistake about it, He will reap what he sows. His vow was to more than just you, but God as well. I pray that God will keep you during this time and help you to get you together. I am not saying that you need to get it together for him, but for you and the kids.
I pray for him as well. I pray that God would have his way. I pray that God would touch his heart and his mind and open his eyes to the trick of the enemy. The ex is an ex for a reason and when we only tell a person what we want them to hear or know,(which I am sure he has), we fool not only that other person, but ourselves as well.
I know that this is a difficult time and I wouldn't dare tell you it will be easy, but I do know that if you would just trust God, you will be okay. I promise. Trust God! If you don't know how ask me.
Love and praying for you, T.

How BIG of HIM to WAIT until after the kids go Trick-or-treating!! HA! I would tel him "Honey don't let the door hit your backside on the way out!". I am so sorry that you are going thru this. He is being a real JERK!

I agree with everyone that said to take care of yourself and get everything in order. You have to be strong not just for you but for your kids. Don't let emotions take over. Think with a bankers heart. Pray for guidance and strength.

D.
SAHM of three: 19,18, and 5.
Home Baker and Crafter. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 yrs( after a failed 2yr marriage to a complete JERK!)

If you really want to stop him pull the spark plugs out of the car or sabatoge it mechanically at the last minute. My brother is a mechanic, if you want to do something that isn't obvious I can find out. Show him that you are willing to fight for this relationship. My prayers are with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have so much to say to you but, most of it has been said. I agree 100% with Mary G, those would have been my words exactly. Just by telling you that he is going to her, he must know what the consequences will be...
P.S. there are fuses under the hood, just pull one out for the fuel line or sparks. From a man's point of view, kick him to the curb.

Look if the guy is driving to Las Vegas rather than flying... I would think he's going to meet this gal local. If you have family support or can support yourself, I'd ditch the guy. Get as much child support out of the guy as you can and make sure the childern are covered under his insurance as well as if he dies have the children as beneficiaries. Can you tell I do not play these games? Adios mister if you do not care enough to allow me to be your emotional mate and we have these children... later gator.

Yeah, I second the advice to involve someone else he knows. Whether it be a marriage counselor, a male friend from church, a male family member, or - if he has a good relationship with him or her - his dad or mom.
He seems to be reaching out for something that you can't provide as his wife, so perhaps a bit of "parenting" can help him realize the bigger picture. Now's not the time to be private and anonymous; he needs accountability that can only come from outside his tragically-little bubble right now.
The above is merely advice from one mama to another; let God work through you, determine your actions, and give you strength & peace. He knows best, try to set aside emotions of the flesh and accept what you know in Him and He'll get ya through all this - He promises.
I'll be praying you can wake up from your big nightmare with God speed.

edited to add: oooooh. just read Sarah's advice for you to go with him. Sounds like a good possiblity to discuss w/ your husband. Perhaps he is just being there for someone he cares about & could use your presence there also to keep his commitment to you top priority?

Let him know you won't be there when he gets back. You will never be there for him emotionaly the way you are now. Make sure he knows that it is his kids he will also be cheating on. He is taking a chance of getting any number of deseases wich he could pass on to them and you! My haert hurts for you but only you will have to live with however you and your children will deal with this. They will find out sooner or later. How do you want them to remember this? They can see you as strong and pritective or desperate and insecure. My husband left me with our two kids and I begged him to come back just so he could look down on me for years. Then I let him know I didn't need him ;I chose to be with him and I will choose to be without him if he kept being mean. I ment it and he respected me. Show him you are worth more than the trash he is teating you like. I will pray for you.

What a nightmare! I think you should ask him to take a good look at his children and look down the road to their future. Is it worth destroying their lives over what may be seven year itch? If she is the love of his life, wouldn't she want him to do everything he can to save his marriage? Ask him to consider going to counseling before he ruins many lives-including his own. It's the honorable thing to do. God bless you and your family.
Dy

I am also sorry to hear you going through this but girl if this was you would he understand you calling and emailing another man and then going out to see him and you leave everything behind just for that person I bet he would leave you .So tell him how you feel and what I dont get is why he has to go see this woman for five days sorry but thats more than just freinds tell him how you feel try to talk things out but if he says he has to go see this woman he must really feel something for her to leave you and his kids for an adventure.I know I would not out up with this you have to make your self strong and put your foot down and not let him run all over you GOOD LUCK to you and god bless you ......

Can you get to to go to the movies with you NOW? Go see Fireproof N O W . Talk afterward and see if he has changed his mind and then if not, copy the advise you have been given, go talk with someone you trust and do what they recommend. You don't have time to think, because all you will do is sit and worry and there will be not logic, there will be no "reality", there will be no action. You need someone to walk you through this difficult time.

Hi C Z

I can't believe that he didn't try and denial it. For his to tell you in your face that he will be going to Vegas to see her, would have been just too much for me. Stand up for yourself, if not he will always have your running after him. Doesn't sound as it he wants to save his marriage. He will find out later that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and will be running back home to you. You just needs to decide if you wants to wait for him to decide.

Good Luck.

I know you must be crushed. And it's going to be even harder to read what's next. Your husband is not getting his emotional needs met at home. It's not about sex, even with men. If you really want the marriage to work, start with yourself. Yes, he's a jerk, he's not evolved enough to stop this affair, and in fact is going ahead with it with your knowledge! Although I think it's very telling of your relationship that he has told you everything.
Janis Spring wrote a fantastic book on the subject that you will find very helpful. Also there's another book titled the 5 love languages. Work on yourself and not on him. He will come around. Just remember, what do you want in the end revenge or your family?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know a lot of people have said that you cannot just accept his behavior and they are exactly right. I can imagine how hard it will be for you to say no to him since you did say you are very much in love with him. Since you will most likely be acting on your emotions, I think you will benefit from reading this book. It explains how begging and clinging will not work. You really must stand firm and let him know that while he does have the choice to go see her that you will not be there for him when he returns.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Must-Tough-James-Dobson/dp/159...

Best wishes to you!

I know this is not what you want to here, but there is a good chance this is not the first time he has done this since he has no remorse what so ever. You can do better than him and deserve better. You are the mother of his 3 kids and deserve to be respected as so. You need to just tell him to go and not attempt to come back. Let him know that if he does return that the locks will be changed and he will not be getting in. I understand you do not want him to go and you love him, but sometimes love hurts and you just have to let go. Sounds like he is going to do what he wants and does not care if you know or not. Bad thing is he knows that you won't leave him. I can not give you advise on how to make him stay, but I hope all works out well. Keep in mind if he does stay will you ever be able to trust him?

CZ,

You told your husband you know about his emotional affair, and all he had to say was "I am going to go see her???" I am sorry, but your husband obviously does not want to stay married to you. There is nothing you can do to fix your marriage. Your husband has no interest in your marriage anymore. He is behaving like a horny, selfish, unfaithful jerk! Go get a divorce and find someone who is worthy of you! Also, tell him to find a new place to live (maybe in Vegas with her).

You can't stop him. You need to take teh 5 days yourself and evaluate your marriage. Everyone has a line that people can cross.... Mine woudl be the moment the car left on friday but others can work thru affairs etc... But the important thing is to take time for yourself and figure out what you want. What is worth fighting for? Where is your line? He obviously is in for himself right now, so you need to focus on you.

Married for 8 years and 3 kids!!! Chances are that your kids are no older than 7 or 8!! HOw dare can he be so selfish and not thinking the consequences!! we are all human, and we are all fragile and sensitive to emotional circumstances... but Come On!!! this is about responsibility towards his family, his kids, his wife! ... He is definitely not putting you guys first... this makes me very angry specially for those little innocents who will have to suffer the consequences.
Forgive me C Z, I'm trying to find some positive words but i can't find any... not only he is irresponsible but he is also arrogant about it... Maybe your relationship was shaky long before this happened... but there is no excuse to such behavior.. even for helping a "friend in need". He should have been honest about it and not let you discover from under the cover. You and your kids deserve better and you should set yourself ready for the worse (and with doubts... maybe hoping for the best). He started a game and it is going to be very hard for him to stop it.

Don't be very Naive... 5 days, in Vegas, with a "friend" ... and all evidence hidden!!!

There is always marriage counseling, friends' talk, church help,... but if it doesn't come form his heart and be convinced that what he is doing is simply WRONG,... you might have the same situation happen again with Vegas "Friend" or the Alaska one!.

Be strong, and think about your kids and yourself first all the others should come second. and If I were you, I'll put him on the list of "care" just because we'll be sharing 3 wonderful and innocent kids.

and don't forget!!...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Good luck and be strong!!

C Z,

No doubt you are overwhelmed by the responses from all these caring Mamas. They're right, you do not deserve to go through this. There is a lot of good advice repeated here. Rita B hit the nail on the head with sound, wise advice - please reread what she wrote. And April C also gave great detailed practical advice on actions you need to take to protect yourself and your kids.

In your state of shock over this situation, you may not feel like you need to do anything this drastic just yet but speaking from experience of having my first husband cheat on me, please take immediate action (if you haven't already) advised specifically by both these women.

Tomorrow is Friday and so you have little time left. If you can, taking the day off and sending the kids to Grandma's or a friend's house, is a great idea to help you prepare for what you need to do here.

I'm encouraged to see so many Mamas giving sound advice. It sounds like you have a lot of people praying for you. Please know that I too will be praying for you as you have to make some big decisions and take some difficult actions. Please keep us posted.

May God Bless you Through This, CZ!!!!
A. H.

CZ,

Prayer, Prayer and more prayer. This is a time when you need extra stength and faith. I will tell you one thing don't seem needy. If you overwhelm him with crying and begging it will make him run that much harder. At least that has been my experience. Again before following mine or any advice pray. Only God knows what this man needs and what will speak to his heart. I will pray for you.

M.

Tell him, "Don't bother coming back." He obviously has no respect for how this affects you or your children and is only thinking of himself.

It seems to me he has already left the marriage. Despite what some people think, I don't feel this is normal or even remotely acceptable. Many feel that a man's eye will always wander and he will always be tempted--that this is simply their nature. Perhaps this is true for many men, but they aren't marriage material. My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years and have been through a lot of ups and downs in our relationship and in life. BUT he has never even glanced at other women or given me an inkling of doubt as to his fidelity. I am not perfect, just lucky, but I have to believe that there are other men like this. I definitely think you deserve better and should let him go, even if he changes his mind. This is just my two cents. And as others said, you are stronger than you think and may find yourself in a better place after this is all over. Above all, love and respect yourself and your children.

Do not tell your kids ANYTHING. Get them to a trusted sitter for the weekend. DO NOT tell your parents or family what is going on. This thing could spew like a volcano! You don't want that YET. Have a friend disable the car. Freeze all your accounts. Kick his feet smooth out from under him. DO NOT roll over and allow this man to treat you this way. Do not allow this 5 day fornication fest to take place. Do whatever you have to do to stop it. Keep pepper spray on hand in case he becomes abusive b/c he sounds a little psycho/unpredictable at this point-you can get it at any outdoor store. Call the cops ASAP if it comes to this. It sounds like he is going to do it one way or the other, then let him divorce you first. At least then you wouldn't be sitting at home knowing a prostitute is in bed with your husband. I mean the thought makes me feel as if I could vomit a lung. If he can not control his throbbing hormones and desire for other women any better than this then HE needs to initiate the divorce and HE needs to tell all your friends and family what his problem is. Let him be humiliated, not you. You have been through enough. DO NOT fall down the slippery slope of becoming obsessed with her, or blaming her, if it isn't her it will be someone else. There is no shortage of immoral whores in this day and age. He is acting on bondage directly from Satan and it doesn't sound like he has the cahones to cast it out. Let me shoot you straight sister, he ain't goin' there to chat at the coffee shop. He knows you will "put up" with it. This may be where this lack of respect is coming from. You made an excuse for him in your post. "Only 3 weeks????????" Honey, if the thought crossed his mind, he has already done it in the eyes of the Lord. My heart hurts for you and your babies, however, I am not sure he gives a rip about your or their well beings at this point. My advice is to grow a back bone. Kick his rear end up between his ears. Don't cry, don't beg, tell it like it is. If you want to salvage the last shread of respect he might have for you, now is the time to pull out all the stops. Get out your wedding pictures, the births of your children, stick in his horny face what he is turning his back on. Tell him, think about this when you are talking dirty to your concubine, because buster that is exactly what she is. PUT UP A FIGHT. Show him you do have passion and it's for him and your life.

Seriously....Go get therapy! It will help you understand why you would want to stay with this man. Men like that do NOT change and you will only waste valuable time in your life waiting and wishing for that change. You have 3 kids with this man and he is going to spend five days with an ex????? Do you see how unhealthy that is??? Please go talk to someone who can help you get YOUR life back and be independent. Even if you love someone, doesn't mean you should be married to them.
I wish you well.
L.

I am so sorry for you and the kids. Remind him that our kids pay for the faults and mistakes that we make as parents. My children, from my first marriage -- adults now, paid a big price for the our mistakes. Adults need to stop and look at them hold them in his arms (in this case) and ask if they are worth the sacrifice. There is nothing that can happen between the sheets that would be worth the well being of your children. My kids describe having a step parent as complete hell and the going back and forth as miserable and as my 19 yr. old says-- how sooooo selfish of her father, that sex would be more important then his kids. My son 22 still sees a therapist due to the disconnect w/ his father once he became involved w/ the other woman. Boys have a higher rate of drug use and suicide. (Not to mention the emotional threats she would make to them) Tell your husband what he is feeling might feel right to him, but your kids will suffer in the long run and really stop, think, and feel what they may feel if decides to change their lives. Girls from broken homes have a higher rate of drug use and teen age pregnacy. Also let him know that a person that is low enough and w/o respect to break up a family and destroy children's lives, has low character, lack of values, and if she already has a lack of respect for HIS kids then what kind of respect will she have as a step parent. Statistically fathers tend to gravitate away from the kids and lose contact and in Vegas --- he is already stepping away out of sight. If you should have to endure the nightmare of Divorce, MAKE SURE you have a clause in the papers that states that he can not leave your state w/ the kids and DO NOT agree to joint custody. I was a D.A. and my ex took them to Arkansas and it took me years of fighting in court to keep my kids from going back and forth. Women are manipulative and if she can't find a man that does not have a family then she has to head hunt for the father of innocent children's.
What is wrong with her that she as an adult can not stop this whole thing and tell your hisband to do the right thing and be his CHILDRENS FATHER. Good Luck and may God Bless your Children and watch over them. P.S. MOVE ALL THE MONEY FROM ACCOUNTS, IF HE HAS NOT ALREADY. It may sound mean, but you need to think about what he will leave you with or with out.

Please find something to Respect your husband for and tell him in a very calm manner how much you respect him for working and supporting you or whatever it is men are wired very differently and will do crazy things for respect they desperately need!! Whatever it used to be that you admired him for DoIT NOW!! That Lady is admiring him for something...DONT be outdone. Keep it simple!!!!!
Pray GOd cares. Whether you ever prayed in your life he listens He loves you!!!! Use the words Respect and Admire when approaching your husband..... Praying for you !!!!!!

I agree with alot of the other women... Tell him to go but he will have nothing and no family to come home to. So he better have a really good time. He is very selfish, self centered and arrogant if he thinks you would be ok with this.

I am so sorry to hear about that. He has obviously made his decision. Don't let him think that you have accepted it to save your marriage, or it will only get worse. It sounds like he really disrespects you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You have to start thinking of you and your kids.

I just said a prayer for you. You are a lot stronger than you think.

Personally, I would tell him that if he goes, you won't be there when he gets back, and he can expect the divorce to start IMMEDIATELY. I know you love him and want your marriage to work, but if he's going on 'vacation' with an ex girlfriend (and there is no doubt in my mind the relationship is going to cross from emotional to sexual), then how invested in this marriage is he? NOT MUCH. I don't want to upset you or hurt you in any way, but having been cheated on before and knowing the pain and anquish that causes, I can tell you that this is going nowhere but downhill from here. This man is BLATANTLY telling you that he's going to go cheat on your marriage for 5 days and there's nothing you can do to stop him. Maybe not, but you don't have to sit at home and wait on him to come back, because he never really will. The deed will be done and his mind and 'emotions' will stay in Las Vegas with her. THAT SUCKS. Prayers to you and your kids. None of you deserve that.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with a lot of what the other moms have said. I would definitely tell him that if he goes, you will not be there when he returns, or that he will not be living in the same house with you (change the locks) because you will consider your marriage over. I know that will be hard, I am a non-confrontational person and can't imagine having to lay it out there like that, but it has to be done. Get a friend to stand with you if you feel like you can't do it alone. He is using you, not loving you.
Having worked in a lawyers office, I do have this advice.
If he goes;
Get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY
Get copies of or hang on to all phone bills, credit card bills & emails that you can use as evidence that he has cheated on you.
Get money from your accounts IMMEDIATELY
I know you want it to work, and I want that for you, but you have to take care of you and your children FIRST. Hopefully you taking a stand will bring him back to reality. Then the two of you can immediately get into counseling to find out why he went to this girl in the first place and what you can do to help your marriage.
Good luck, hugs and prayers;
L.

I would let him go.

I would explain the remifications of him going. Then help him pack...every single thing he owns...

When he got back, the locks would be changed and a nice little restraining order in place.

Explain that you love him but this is a breaking point to your relationship...and when he gets back, if he comes back...you guys could start over but things would never be the same and he is going to have to WORK for your love like he worked so hard for this other womans.

I for one would hate it...but if he doesn't go...you will never be able to trust that she's out of the picture for good. There will always be that "what if" factor to deal with and you dont want to live your life like that either.

An affair is an affair...whether "entry' is made or not. And you need to ask yourself if you guys are stong enough to stay together after knowing he was willing to give his HEART to someone else...

I wish you nothing but great things...

Sending good thoughts your way.

what? look mama i know u r fixing to get many many many responses on this situation. but let take a step back... you r his wife not just a companion to talk to or tell you what he is going to do. you r his wife. first thing first you need to tell him where you stand on this. and that is you r not ok with this. this hurts you. and him being your husband the position he is putting you in is NOT RIGHT. what reason does he have to go see another woman w/out you? you r his woman and if it is problems you guys r having than he needs to work them out here at home w/ u. now is the time you need to give him an altimatum. if you go, there is going to be a problem between us. now i am sure you left out a lot in this story so my question is should he have any reason to stray? is he a good husband and father? are you an innocent victim in his time of being selfish it seems. these are question you need to ask yourself or maybe you already know. whatever the situation is he is not going to fix it in vegas w/ another woman. if anything, if he leaves it will hurt ya'lls relationship forever.

CZ...

Please re-read the response from April C. it is exactly what you should do and excellent advice!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children! Please update and let us all know how you are!

C Z,

This has to be excrutiating. My husband cheated on me and I took him back and looking back it was the not a good choice. Personally I have found it hard to truly forgive trust him again. If I were you I would seriously consider protecting you and your children financially. This is one less headache you need, after all why should you finance his encounter. Do whats best for you and know that if he goes you are in for a hell of a ride. No one drives that far with no ulterior motives. There is nothing they can't talk about over the phone or email. Ask yourself what can you live with. Only you can make this decision. Don't kid yourself if he is this brazen to run off and there is a good chance he may not come back. Check your bank accounts immediately make sure he has not already started cleaning your accounts out. I wish you the best of luck and I am here if you need to talk. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Okay - you either live with it or you don't. It is really very simple.

If you don't plan on living with it then wipe all accounts clean today, change the locks, file a restraining order and hire a divorce attorney.

If he is simply talking to an old friend - who cares - you must have faith in your partner.
If he is telling you he is spending five days with her - then get the heck out unless you like it.
If you don't kick him to the curb THEN YOU ARE CONDONING IT AND TELLING HIM AN THE WORLD "I AM OKAY WITH THIS AND HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS".
The kids will thank you in the future.

And it is rather stupid to try to stop him by doing things to the car or threats. If this is what he wants then he will hide it and do it anyways.
Get on with your life.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Speaking from experience, your husbands affair has gone too far. Had you caught it at the beginning you may have had a chance to stop it. Mine started the same way. I found a few hundred text messages and I confronted him about it. It was just the beginning and even though this caused ALOT of heartache and distress, thank God, we were able to get through it. At this point your husband has already told you it's too late. I know it's easier said than done considering your situation but you can't and won't hold on to him if he doesn't want to stay and work things out. Let him go. If he comes back it's your decision and noone else's to accept him. Listen to you, nevermind everyone else's opinion, bcuz believe me! Everyone will have an opinion. Only you know where to go from here. Pray and things will work themselves out. It may not be what you want but it'll be what's best for you.

I think you can only tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't want him to go. Tell him that if he does go that you and the kids might not be here when he gets back. This relationship is not going to work...she lives in Vegas and he lives here. He is planning on leaving the kids and his job to move there. So, I guess he is just going up there for a fling then come home like nothing happened. Life is about choices that we make as individuals and then it has consequences for those same choices. You need to think long and hard if you really want to put up with this behavior. Personally for me....the locks would be changed when he got home and I would leaving him. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and if he can't do that....then you need to evaluate if you can deal with that. If he does this now...he WILL do it again.

WOW...I know this happens a lot, but it just blows my mind everytime I hear about this kind of stuff...because you are way to precious not to be considered his #1 (especially the kiddos!!) I am not the one to give advice for this situation, but I do want to let you know that you are in my prayers...you, your kiddos, and even your husband! Best of luck!

The grass is always greener on the other side!!! No responsibilities just all fun with this girl. He's an idiot like all people who have any kind of affair. You are better than this and deserve someone who knows what they have. Unfortunately you will not be able to change his mind on going because he's convinced that she is worth losing everything for. You need to get yourself into therapy as soon as possible to help yourself cope with what's in your future. My thoughts and prayers are with you and this is coming from someone who has been through what you are going through. Good Luck and hang in there! Just know one thing, he is the one with the problem, not you! You have done nothing wrong no matter what he tries to say!

If it helps I am going through the same thing with my husband. In my case it was an affair with a co-worker. It has been very hard on me but we are going to counceling and he has ended it with her.

What hurt me most were the lies...because now i cant trust his word.

This is the hard part that you are going to have to deal with. Trust issues...i check my husbands phone records and emails and now have him tell me his schedule and phone numbers to where he is going to be at. Trust is a big issue for me right now.

Also, even though he has ended it with her...he still longs to be with her for some reason and he doesnt know why. She is bad news and he knows that but I guess he still needs closure.

Just be prepaired for that realization that he may of stayed with you but he still longs for her. It hurts to feel like your the runner up even though you still have your man.

We dont know if we are going to end up in a divorce in the end but at least we are trying.

Good thing for you that you stopped him from going to Vegas because I am sure he would of taken it to the next level.

He has to choose HER or HIS FAMILY! I forced my husband to.

First let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this.

Second can I just say PLEASE DON'T BE "THAT WIFE"!!!! If my husband EVER told me he was going to visit his Ex and spend 5 days there the locks would be changed when he returned!! You cannot "Stop" him from doing anything! You can inform him of how things will/will not be should he do such a thing, but unfortunately you cannot control his actions!

I know you love your husband, and you want to save your marriage, but you cannot allow him to treat you this way! Please stand-up for yourself!

Try calling your church and see if there is someone that can speak w/you guys ASAP!!

I also wanted to add...HOW DARE he use your household's money to DRIVE all the way to Las Vegas and leave his children for the weekend!!!! You and your children DESERVE someone that appreciates you! Does he have any idea what this would do to his children???

I think you should call this woman and let her know what she is doing!! Maybe he hasn't told her the truth. If she is ANY woman at all she would refuse to see him or take his calls!!

OMG! This really just made me angry. I would tell him not to bother coming back in 5 days. No woman deserves to be treated this way nor should she allow it. I can't imagine what you are feeling. I am sorry. I can see how you would want your marraige to work but it sounds like he's already got one foot out the door.

I don't know if it would work or not - but plan to separate. Pull your name off every joint account that you can. Pull his name off of any that have zero balances on which you're the primary. Get a separate checking account if you don't already have one, and transfer half the balance out of every joint account you have. Look up "texas child support percentages" on the computer and leave the page up for him to see. Talk to a lawyer.

Do not show that you are willing to tolerate this behavior. If he still goes on Friday, change the locks.

Under no circumstances - No matter what - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

sounds like he has made his choice. Could it be that he never got over in the first place? Maybe unfinished business, I wouldn't want a man that doesn't want me. Do yall go to church? Is there someone there you could talk to?

It sounds like he is already ready to leave the marriage. Remind him that this behavior is grounds for you to file for divorce, and that you could and would not hesitate to take everything from him, including the house, car, and children, if he goes down this road. Talk to a lawyer and a spiritual advisor. I am so sorry. I will pray for a happy solution for you.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. I have read the other responses and there is excellent advice. Be calm and let him go, but protect yourself and your kids.

And keep telling yourself...why would I want a jerk like that anyway! You can do better and he should know better. His disrespect for your feelings shows that he is very shallow. I'm sure that this isn't the only instance that he is disrespectful of you, either. There is usually a pattern.

So let him go and good riddance.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, I know that this hurts like crazy. But, please LOVE YOURSELF enough to not put up with this.

Be careful, C.Z. He will likely still try to see her. Since she will obviously be VERY disappointed that he didn't show up in Vegas, she'll come to him. It will happen - you can bet on it. Please mark my words so that you will not be shocked and hurt a second time. You will need to start watching his every move, and it will be exhausting. He has to realize that he destroyed the trust and will have to deal with the consequence of that.
Please be careful. I wish I had been strong the first time my husband left, for then I would not have been devastated the second time.
Leanne

CZ

Show him that you have respect for yourself and your children. If he wants to go - let him go. But let him know fair and square he will not be able to come back!!!!!!!!! He will understand that you are BEST thing that ever happen to him and if he wants to leave you for some other chic - See you later - you don't need to hang around so you can be his stability, and he be able to play the field too. It does NOT work that way.

Focus on God. Ask for the strength that you will need to explain this situation to your children.

Stay calm / Don't sway in your discussion / most importantly consistently Pray.

Remember you are the apple of God's eye and NOBODY has the right to treat you like yesterday's garbage.

I will prayer for you.

In His name,

M. C

Let him know that if he leaves that he is sending you a very strong message that he doesn't want your marriage to work. You probably don't want to give him and ultimatum, but he has to know that leaving you to see her when you are so clearly against it is a very clear slap in your face. He has no respect for your feelings if he goes through with this. telling him that will not be the hardest thing you ahve to do... waiting to see if he goes through with it on Fri will be. You can flat out ask him if he has any interest in saving your marriage. Let him know that you want it to work. see what he says. BUT, if he leaves, you must know that he wants you to know that he feels that you are over.

Take a deep breath and know that you may be in for a very difficult short term future. BUT, regardless of what he does, you have to respect yourself and be ready to make another decision about your future after Friday night. But don't worry about that now. Stay strong and wait until you come to that bridge to cross it.

You can't make a man do anything but God can..I don't know where your faith level is but now is the time to pray and seek the help of your pastor and church. Telling him not to will only make him do so be silent but prayerful.

I wish I had some advice, but I don't know what to tell you to do. I just wanted to let you know that you are and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Get a spine! You better treat yourself better or he never will treat you well. He is not a baby who gets to do whatever he wants. You tell him if he goes he better take his clothes with him because they will be at goodwill when he gets back, and mean it! Tell him he better get a spine too, because he will have to tell his children and both your parents tonight before he goes on his little trip about why he is leaving and let him watch their suffering. You make the calls and hand him the phone, if he doesn't tell, you do. Accountability is crucial! You need to give him a wake up call not only for your family's sake but for his own. He is living in a fantasy world and the sooner he gets a dose of reality the better for all envolved. He made promises to you when he married you and to do less, makes him less of a man.
If he can still go through with it then don't take him back without outside counseling. There is a line of trust he has broken but he has a chance of saving his marriage if he NEVER CONTACTS HER AGAIN.
B.

If he says he is going, he either knows you will still be there when he gets back or he dosen't care if you are there. Which ever it is, leave now. Get away from him. You are not going to change his mind and you shouldn't have to live like that and your kids shouldn't either. Get away and dont look back. You deserve better.

Persoanlyl- I have no idea why you would want to stop a guy that evidentally has feelings for another woman from walking out the door- let him go- claim abandonment and find someone that really loves you!
You can go thru counseling and all but to be honest- why be with someone that is "cheating" on you behind your back- Trust me- if my husband walked out the door- the locks would be changed and hed need a court order to get back in- Dont take any garbage from anyone- put more value on yourself and those kids. any man that would walk out the door isnt worth the worry girlfriend!

D.

CZ,
DON'T LET HIM WALK ALL OVER YOU!!! I'm in agreement with the other mama, you're marriage is over if he goes. I know it's hard to see and you don't want too. But honey, he doesn't care about you or he wouldn't have said that to you. I would tell him right now, if he goes, don't plan on coming back. Put your foot down, or he'll walk all over you. It's not going to be easy, I KNOW you are HURTING right now, I would call a divorce lawyer right now. Also, if you can get any of those emails, print them off and hang on to them to give to your lawyer... You don't deserve to be treated this way, all you have ever done is love him. I would also tell him to start staying in a hotel if he wants to go, maybe that will put things into prospective; does he really want to lose his whole family over his "ex"... Tell him you'll help him pack all his stuff right now... He's going to try to play you for a fool, he knows you are in love with him and he's not expecting you to kick him out, so do it, see if he really wants to go, and don't look back.
This is my advice... God will take care of you, you have honored your vows!

I would tell him to have a great time - but dont bother coming back!!! I cant believe he can be that insensitive to just 'tell' you like that expecting you to just be okay with it.
Be strong and just make sure he knows he doesnt have you to come back to. Tell him to also not spend too much in Vegas since he is going to being paying a TON in child support!!!
Good luck!

Oh my God, the ladies who responded are a riot. You must feel trapped or you wouldn't need to ask for advice. This is a man who is a boy, a self centered heartless boy who for some reason resents you and wants to hurt you and your kids. As a child who must be dealt with like a child, you must punish him. He must suffer or guess what, this will be a yearly or monthly adventure. He must understand you won't tolerate it, right now he thinks you will or he doesn't care. Either way, you lose but you lose much more by letting him do this. Take his keys and your kids and all the money and valuables you can find and leave before his little trip. Trust me, he will leave you if this works out so make it difficult and make him think, just in case for him there is anything left.

.

First of all I would like to say I am sorry for what you are goin through.Next you should start asking questions. Why do you feel the need to see this other woman? Where do we need to fix our relationship? If he doesnt give you the answers you need call the ex and find out what her motives are, and let her know she is destroying a family and its not fair to those kids what she is doing. If he feels commited to goin to this other woman give him a ultimatum if he leaves dont come back because you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. I know you love this man but love yourself more and your kids enough to know when enough is enough. I have been through it and I am better for it. God bless and I hope he chooses to stay home.

CZ, Been there, done that. All I can add to the other responses is that if he's so blatant and thoughtless as to TELL you he's going away for five days with his GIRLFRIEND, then he's already left your marriage. I know you love him, but he's not worth losing yourself over. He's a self-centered, egotistical jerk who thinks you can't live without him, so he can just walk all over you. Guess what? You CAN live without him! I agree with everyone that you need to move money into a separate account that he can't access, change the locks on your doors and move his belongings out of the house. Make sure your kids aren't exposed to all of this. It's going to be hard enough for them in the coming months - protect them now as much as possible. Tell your closest friend (mother, sister, aunt, someone!) what's happening to you and ask them to take your kids for the weekend. Then, methodically and completely remove all of his belongings from the house. I don't go along with throwing them on the front lawn, but you could rent a storage unit for one month (it's only $1 at Public Storage for the first month), then when he gets back let him know where they are. If he can't be bothered to pick up his stuff, or if he thinks you're just yanking his chain, then he loses his belongings. Above all, my heart goes out to you. This rejection is one of the hardest and most soul wrenching that anyone can inflict on you. It took me a while, but I finally realized that it wasn't anything I had done...it was just something missing in him. I know this hurts and I know you're going to cry (a lot!), but please know that, in the long run, it's going to be better for you and your kids. You're obviously a good woman with a lot of love to offer and he's the loser in all of this. This is NOT your fault, no matter what anyone else says to you. All marriages have ups and downs, but he doesn't get to have a girlfriend on the side because you're not perfect. Neither is she and as soon as he figures out what a dumb mistake he's made, he'll probably try to come back. Don't let him until you've had some serious counseling - it will only happen again and again unless he understands that he can't just use you and your kids as a stop-over while he pursues his other interests. You're in my thoughts and prayers. God loves you. Hang in there. S. P.S. In my case, I didn't take him back - I couldn't face the thought of him ever touching me again with the same hands he had used to touch someone else - I just couldn't get past it.

CZ,

Painful as it is, alot of advice you have recieved is good I just wanted to add that IF and when you need it there is a place called women in need its a program its kinda new to some areas but you can find them thru your local welfare office/clinic where they give assistance. Girl it hurts I know I been there. BUT, you have to think of your children right now. Your husband isn't and those babies are going to need YOU. You are the one keeping everything together. First of all your income/banking is yours at ths point in the game your husband gets down there and has his fling he is doing it on the families money that is yours and your children you will need it to get through this. I agree with get a bag pack for a couple of days cause chances are that if your husband is going this far to take a trip chance are he is going to drain your bank account weather it be here or over in vegas. you can do it if your name is on there you can even close the account and have another open in your name I have done this. It only takes one signature to close a account. Noone can tell you what to do we can only make suggestions but this is not good for you or your children no matter how much you love him. If he does it once who's to say it won't happen again in afew months when she decides to look himup or him look her up. The man is not thinking like a father he is thinking like a man who wants a open marriage THEY DONT WORK. My prayers are with you.

T.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

The only advice I would give to you, and it will not be easy is to let him go. You can not force someone to stay with you or want to be with you. He has to want to be there, otherwise it will not work.

Good luck to you, I will be thinking about you!

Talk to him about what it is that he is looking for from this other woman. Unfortunately, just as you cannot stop him from going to visit this woman, you cannot stop him from taking this "emotional affair" to the next level and believe me, he is going to Las Vegas in order to take this to the next level.

What you CAN do (and this is what I would do if it were me) is make sure you tell him "don't let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitcha", take money from your account and stash it away in case you need it for later, call a lawyer, and let your husband know that if THIS is the lack of respect he shows you and your kids, he doesn't have to bother coming back.

WHAT???!!

Doesn't sound like there is much for you to do to change his mind. He has already made it up. Let him go to Las Vegas. He would probably make a nasty weekend for you and the children if he stays home instead. I agree with everyone else. CHANGE the locks!!! if you don't have the $$$$ borrow it. Transfer ANY money from the account, hopefully you have access to it, to another account. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND THE CHILDREN!! Be prepared!! Main priority! Try not to have the children home if/when he returns from his "rendevous" mispelled?? It will probably get ugly. Stand your ground!! He can't come in until he gets rid of her. And it hasn't been for just three weeks. you know that. Let him go if you love him.
I'm sorry.

Dear C Z,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You have gotten a lot of advise, and I agree with a lot of them. You need to explain to your husband that he's breaking up a family and is going to cause a lot of suffering and pain for the kids and you. Tell him that if he leaves, he is gone for good. You shouldn't be on stand-by, waiting for him to figure out what he wants. I would also call the "girlfriend" and tell her that she's the cause of a family breaking up, and ask her how she would feel, if she was in your shoes.
Emotional affairs are just as bad as "real affairs", if not worse.
Tell your husband what the consequences will be, if he leaves. Make him pack up all his belongings and make him tell the kids why he's leaving.
If he still leaves, then you need to get an attorney, a seperate bank account and change the locks.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!

I agree completely with Mary C. I'm sure it's so painful to read and imagine having to do but you will get through the storm. Stay strong and don't give in to his warped thinking. You have an example to set for your kids as well. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Don't give in and Don't put up with it!!! Claim the Lord for strength!

This may sound extreme to you, as you wont want to hurt him, but the first thing you need to do is go clear all of the money out of any account you can!! Like, right now!! If it makes it to where he cant go, all the better, but if this does not go well, you cant be left with nothing. Obviously you can tell him not to go, but keep your dignity too. Let him know that if he goes ((BTW have all this conversation AFTER you have the money in your hands!!) he will not have a place to come home too. Can the marraige still be saved fi this happens, sure. But you cant be a revolving door. He needs to see that you will take care of yourself and children first, and if he wants to fit into that somewhere, the decision is his alone. Do not beg for him, dont give him that ego trip! What could be better for a man than two women who are both vying for his attention? Sure, get someone else involved that he trusts, if you think it will help, but I agree that getting the kids involved in any way might be negative. Even if you would normally have them call while he is away, it will be seen as a pathetic attempt for attention by your husband. You stay strong while you are in his presence, and then, when he is gone and the kids are asleep..you can fall apart! You can and you will, but then the next day, you will get up, do what you have to, and keep going minute by minute. I hope things go well for you, they certainly can, but the likelyhood is that it wont, so please protect yourself! NOW!! ~A.~

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way and have there kids put through something like this.

Second, I completely agree with April C as well. Don't let him do whatever he wants to do without any consequences. There are several good recommendations for attorney on here. Call a couple today if you don't already know who you want to use. You can get things started and even file with out going through with it if you decide to work it out.

Whatever happens, I hope the best for you and your childern!

Hi C - What a tough situation to be in. I am very sorry to hear about it.

I think you need to let him know that if he leaves on Friday, he doesn't have to come back. Get legal advice. Let him know that you will start divorce proceedings while he is gone. If he does leave, change the locks and put his stuff (the stuff you don't want or need; and especially everything you have always hated!) out on the lawn with a big FREE sign. Let him understand that there is no "test driving" some other relationship and then coming back as if nothing happened. He has to choose, and he has to choose now. He should only go to Las Vegas if he is ready to give up 8 years of marriage, you and his children. May he make the right decision!

Best wishes to you and your children.

C Z

Sad to say, although you love your husband and you want your marriage to work, it appears as though he doesn't feel the same. He may say something else, but we all know action speaks louder than words. I am soooo sorry that you have to go through this. My suggestion to you is to first pray about it, then talk with your husband and express to him (I'm sure you've already done this a million times) how his behavior is unacceptable and unhealthy for not only your marriage but for your family. Maybe you all (or he) should seek counseling. This is not normal. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Please do not be one of those wives that just sits back, feel sorry for yourself and allow this to unfold. A man will only do what us women allow them to. He says that he can't stop. That's not true. If he really wants to, he can. If he continues to say he can't, then maybe he has some type of addiction or something. If this is the case, I'm wondering has he done this before. Personally, if my husband took a trip to Vegas to be with another woman, he would have to find another place to live when he returns or plan to live in Vegas permanently. It's your business if you decide to stay with your husband or not; but I can assure you that trust with definetely be an issue if you all don't pray, communicate and seek counseling.

My prayers are with you!!
S.

I'm so sorry! I would tell him if he is going to visit a "friend" in Vegas, then you are going with him. Ask him if he really expects you to be okay with him leaving for 5 days to have an affair! I would also call the "ex" and have a frank discussion w/ her. Who knows what he is telling her? Chances are she really doesn't want to be a home-wrecker and she'll call it off. No matter what the outcome, you desperately need to meet with a christian counselor. I will be praying for you!!!!!

Dear CZ:

Stay strong. I used to listen to Focus on the Family and Dr. James Dobson. When it comes to affairs, I believe that he has a lot of wisdom. In relationships, when you chase, the man will run. If you act honorably and stand your ground, if there is still anything left of the relationship, he will be drawn back to you. I think there may be something to that old fashioned notion that men enjoy a chase.

You are the mother of his children. You are the one who has always been there for him and his children. If he goes, he is risking his relationship with you and with his children. Know that the other woman is always appealing. She doesn't know all of his faults. He has no responsibility to her. It's like a trip to Disneyland. Fun, but you can't stay there forever without taking on a job.

If you are confident that he will be the ultimate loser, and can look him in the eye and let him make his choice and accept the consequences of his choice, you will come out ahead. He may stay. He may not. Contrary to your first instinct, this will give your marriage the best chance to survive. Whatever the outcome is however, you can be proud of yourself and keep your dignity.

Good luck. I am praying for you.

Jen

I am so very sorry.....what I would do is:
Get as much of his money as you can and put it in a personal account in your name only. Cancel credit cards if possible.
You have to cover your behind! Its you that will be and are taking care of the kids and they come first. Im sure he will understandLOL...maybe if he doesnt have any money he might come home. But this is not what marriage is and if he needs anything else from other women then its over .....Act like its no big deal and you will be just fine. You dont want to beg any man. There are just too many fish in the sea for that. Make him feel what he has to lose and maybe he will come to his senses! Talk to a lawyer immediatley! Let him know you are serious. Im so sorry

Tell him you will not be there when he comes home.
Be serious!
That will make him think twice.
If he does not go do what ever it takes to save your marriage.
If you allow this it won't be the only time it will happen.
But if he thinks he could lose his kids he will think twice!
Don't put up with it.
If it comes to the point where he is not going to see her anymore that means no phone calls, e-mails, visits. NOTHING!
He is just in a mode of needing something with excitement in his life. Don't allow this to happen.
Tell him how important his children are and that they come first.
But if he goes tell him not to come back home.
If he goes he will find it's not as great as he was dreaming!
Don't let him back in..make him realize you will not stand for that behavior.
Then once he really realizes what he has done...work, work, on your marriage.

oh my goodness. I am so sorry that you have to go though this!!! My instinct tells me that if he chooses this over his wife and kids that you should pack his stuff and have all the locks changed and have it waiting outside for him when he get home. However when you love some one you should do every thing you can to save your marriage. Maybe some marriage coun seling would help. I pray things will work out for you but please don't let it just slide. You deserve better!!!!

Keep your head up high and stay strong just make sure that is what he is wanting to do. Are the children important to him? Maybe have him take a couple with him so he can really see what you do day to day. Leave the house when he gets there and leave the kids with him Then, he probaly will not go.

I am so sorry you are going through this. If he is not worried that you know about his wrong doing and, he is going to do it anyway with you knowing, in my opinion that isn't good. As much as you love him you need to let him know that you will not put up with this behavior. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is how marriage is supposed to be? I'm sure you do not. It is very hard when you have children to put them in a situation, where you would be taking them from their comfort zone, but you cannot live with him treating you like this.

I would seek individual counseling for yourself first, since he is obviously not interested in your marriage right now. They can best help you in your decision. Cornerstone Counseling in North Richland Hills, I have heard they are very good there. They are connected with North Richland Hills Baptist church. You need a good support system right now. This isn't fair to you or your children. I wish you the very best luck & will be praying you find some answers to this situation.

I came back after seeing other responses. I just wanted to add, be very careful. Sometimes these things get so emotional when you make threats, that he might hurt you. Don't stop on standing your ground, but be very wise and if he gets upset as if he would hurt you back off of telling him anything. You don't want to be that woman on the news. Seek professional advise so they are aware of what is going on. Don't ever give up on the power of prayer. If God brought you to this, he will bring you through this.

God Bless You & Hugs,

HB

I am so sorry for your pain. Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

He is a grown man and you can't (nor should you try to) make him do what he doesn't want to do. It seems like he's already made up his mind, and I seriously doubt it has been going on for ONLY three weeks.

He isn't thinking with his head or his heart, but another part of the male anatomy. I think after you make it known to him that you don't approve of him going, if he still chooses to go your marriage is probably over. He obviously isn't willing to consider his children and marriage over wanting to "have fun" with another woman. I think we all have thoughts of being with someone else, but acting on these thoughts is going too far.

PLEASE! Protect yourself. See an attorney today or tomorrow! I think even if you do want to save your marriage you need some legal advice immediately! Don't wait or he may clean out your bank accounts. And most importantly, keep your kids out of it. This is not a situation for little ones to deal with. Just let them be kids and enjoy being kids as long as possible.

Man, how selfish of him and cruel to even tell you he is still going to go even though you know. I was going to give you some advice, but a lot of what the other moms have said is good. I agree with a lot of what they are saying. Usually when men have emotional affairs it is because they feel something is missing. I was reading an article about such a thing last week on yahoo. Well, I hope everything works out for you. Good luck! My prayers go out to you.

My family went through this. It was my Dad (He is 68). My parents had been married for aprox. 45 years and he got in contact with an ex-girlfriend of his. It began as an emotional just talking and sharing problems etc. Then a year and a half later he began sleeping with her. He hid all this the entire year and a half. My mom tried and tried to keep it together for a year. It was the worse thing she could have done. Because he kept bouncing back and forth. If she would have set hard boundaries in the beginning, he would have realized all that he would loose. He just thought us kids would love him and his girlfriend the same and just switch from one wife to another. Not so, he married her. They fight all the time. She doesn't trust him. He's lost the relationship with my brother. I only see him once a year or so. He and his new wife live in two different houses. Its painful to see my Dad's choices. I'm 40 years old and its painful.
I would tell your husband if he goes to Vegas. He needs to pack his bags for good. You have a marriage covenant with almighty God. Don't allow him to run the show. You do it. You have kids and your emotions to protect. The best thing you could do for yourself is get involved in a good church and ask the Lord Jesus into your heart to become your Lord and Savior and to help you. My mom did this and she is happy and remarried to a wonderful man. I'm praying for you right now. I am praying for your marriage to stay together. Please set the boundaries now.

Go straight to the horses mouth. You need to have a woman to woman talk so that she understands what is going on and how this will affect your family. Tell her there's plenty of unmarried men out there and to go after one of those. If she's a gold digger, tell her with three children that you'll make sure he has nothing left to give. Also record your conversation when speaking with your husband or her; no one can deny anything then. By the way, if my husband said he's leaving on a plane for 5 days to be with someone else. I would tell him not to come back home.

I all have to say is that I'm so sorry and that is so ridiculous that he thinks that he can get away with that.

CZ,

I don't mean this in a negative way what so ever. Please don't take it that way.

What is something that he has really wanted from you from day one that you have ignored and/or couldn't give him? Nothing sexual, it is probably something emotional.

Since this has been going on for three weeks, chances are his ex is listening to him about things you and he don't talk about.

Maybe since you guys have been married for 8 years, he is missing something from his "prior life". Something they did together, some way that he thought. Some pressure that he didn't used to have.

Really sit down and talk to him about these things. He must really feel like something is "missing"; and that is why he is going to her.

Good luck, and let us know how this all turns out. Remember - I am not saying this is any fault of your own. It is something going on his your husband's life.

Sorry but looks like it is all over. He put you and your family at risk and is willing to mess with it. He is already gone and I would never allow him back. Sorry but emotionally he is with her. My ex did a long distance relationship with me and it is so much more intense not knowing. Then he cheated on me with someone doing the same thing. So I know if he is willing to risk your marriage it is over. Sorry honey. I would start to get cards in your own name. Own bank account and take whatever you can in money for an attorney. G. W