husbands ex wife says dental surgery is required for the 5 year old daugher. Husband called doctor and asked about it and the doctor said since they're baby teeth, it is not required that she get this surgery.
ex wife scheduled it anyway without consulting him.
Husband emailed her and told her that he talked to the dentist and that he believes that they should wait until her originally scheduled appointment in December to assess her teeth again and revisit it at that time.
Ex wife replied that she will do what she wants and that she ALSO called the dentist who told her that if it doesnt get done it will get infected.
husband isn't denying that she get dental care, but he was requesting that they not schedule the surgery just yet-- number 1. she would have to miss school for it, and number 2 she is only 5 and this is a big deal. IF they wait until december, then she would at least not have to miss school.
please help. Ex wife says she will do it anyway and that husband will have to pay his portion regardless if he agrees with it or not because he is "not a doctor" and the doctor said to do it (which he told us it wasnt required).(payment is NOT the issue)
they have joint legal custody and the court orders say they need to come to an agreement. there is nothing in there that specifies who makes the decision if they disagree.
If we are thinking "best interest of the child," she's not in pain and she has an appointment in December. She won't have to miss school in December and we should hold off til then.
What do we do??
When there is miscommunication (as seems the case here) either 1) they should talk at least over the phone, not by email and 2) they could both see the dentist together.
As for missing school, no biggie at age 5.
They should talk to the dentist in person, together.
I agree that your husband and his ex should visit the dentist together or at least do a 3-way call together. I guarantee that the dentist doesn't want to be in between 2 people who can't get along and where one or even both like to twist the dentist's words. So it needs to be respectful and based on the child's welfare instead of their own arguments. This is the first of many major issues that will come along, and it can't always be a power play about who gets to decide without the other's involvement. My husband's ex did that stuff and it was horrible for both kids. Medical issues were the worst but so were legal and emotional problems that the kids got into. There was a lot of time spent in court trying to get her to be sensible, and it was a ton of time, money and stress that didn't need to occur. In our case, medical safety was involved on several occasions and we had no choice, but I don't think that's what's going on in your case.
Drop the issue of missing school. Good heavens, she's in kindergarten! It wouldn't matter if she were in 6th grade, frankly. Or 11th. You deal with medical/dental issues as priority. There might be an argument for waiting and seeing how things look in a few months (especially if cooler heads might prevail by then), but absolutely don't use "she'll miss school" as a reason for delay of anything.
And as a stepmother, I really want to urge you to stay out of it, and to push your husband into logical and calm moves, such as the simplicity of a 3-way call with the dentist. Don't let drama rule your lives.
This is depressing. My dad and mom were divorced and they fought about stuff like this all the time. My mom had to take my dad to court to get him to pay for half of braces for example. Why don't they stop arguing and go to the dentist together. The doctor might be strongly advising to do the surgery bc of x, y, and z, yet it is not required. He may be recommending they do it to the mom though. What are the reasons? Why does he say it may get infected...if that is the case I would not wait. That can get serious. The parents can hire a mediator if they can't agree to talk it out (if they can't reasonably talk to each other). I would like to know - what is the dental surgery for? They both need to go to the dentist together and ask a bunch of questions and make a decision together. They could even to to a 2nd dentist and get a 2nd opinion. Also -- it does not matter if a 5 year old misses school. It just doesn't matter at that age. Now when she gets older, like middle school and higher, it is annoying miss school bc it can be hard to catch up.
Obviously they should go together to the dentist! Choose a time to meet there in person and ask the dentist so everyone hears the answer at once. Or call on a connected conference call.
It's really sad that a 5 year old is in the middle of this and will be the one with the end result good or bad including pain because mom and dad can't be adults and co parent efficiently.
My interpretation is that ex is determined to do things her way. Maybe she senses some sort of power over her ex.
The issue lies with them.
I'm not against surgery if needed but I've never heard of a dentist doing dental surgery in baby teeth unless the decay is beyond repair.
I believe it's completely logical for dad to request a 2nd opinion. If you were facing surgery yourself.... wouldn't you get a 2nd opinion.
My impression is that any court mediator would also suggest a 2nd opinion.
Bottom line is this child. If she needs the surgery, do it of course but explore all options.
How much school are you talking about on abscence? Even with K, it's good to stay in school. You're setting the example of school being a priority.
What sort of dental surgery does a 5 yr old allegedly need?
Depending on what it is it might be better done sooner or later.
Can't say which without knowing what it is.
And - missing some (not a lot mind you) school at age 5 really IS NOT a big deal - it's kindergarten, right?
("Oh no! Suzie missed the week they learned about the color blue and her whole academic career will be a failure now!" - sorry but just no)
You're out for a week if you get your tonsils out (longer for appendix) but the school knows how to deal with a doctors note and release to go back to school for medical issues.
People taking their kids out for vacation I don't hold with - school should be a priority - but if it's a serious medical issue you deal with it.
Not knowing what this issue is - it might not take a week.
Maybe husband and the ex wife can both meet with the dentist at the same time (eliminating some of the 'he said/she said' stuff) and decide what needs to be done and when.
If a 2nd opinion is needed - they should both go to that appointment too.
They've got 13 or so more years to co-parent this child.
It would be nice if they could get their act together to do it somewhat amicably.
If there is a risk of infection I would get it done. My son had infection at the root of two of his molars that was only discovered due to X-rays, if we had not had those teeth pulled when we did he could have lost bone from his jaw in addition to those teeth, or damaged the adult teeth behind the roots that had already been destroyed. Sometimes wait and see is not the best course of action. Maybe they should go talk to the dentist together so they can make sure they are getting the same information.
First, the court order states that they must come to an agreement. Of course it doesn't state who makes a tie breaking decision :) Your husband would need to hire a mediator or attorney (preferably the first) to help navigate a decision, and if that still didn't work, then it would go before a judge.
When a dentist finds an issue, they generally write up a "treatment plan." Is it possible that the treatment plan makes it sound like the procedure is necessary? I just received one for our son that says he "needs" pallet expanders. What that dentist didn't know is that he spent 3 years in pallet expanders and what he has now is the outcome of that - and cannot get any better. The facility where our son is (he is disabled and requires 24 hr awake care), is arguing that I am not providing for our son because they have this "treatment plan" that states he needs this. I, too, called the dentist and the dentist said they always write down recommended treatments, but that doesn't mean they are truly needed. Kind of like a mechanic writes down that you need something, but your car isn't going to explode if you don't get it.
Get a copy of the treatment plan and see what that says first. Then I would have a sit down with the dentist (don't call) and find out exactly what he is suggesting and have him write that up. If you all can't agree, get a mediator involved rather than drag this out and just argue about it.
Good luck!
