Dealing with Teens

Hi D.:
I would recommend reading the book " how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. The authors are Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It is very good and it has a lot of examples on how to talk to teens. I hope it helps. Somebody recommend it to me. I borrowed it from the library.
M.

D.,
It sounds like your son has put up some sort of wall toward your new husband. I'm assuming he's resentful. It seems like typical teenage behavior-rebelious, acting out, etc. Will your son talk to you? Or does he act the same way towards you as well?
My advice is this: Keep the communication lines open! Make sure you talk to your son frequently. Stress the importance of everyone getting along and living under the same roof. Remind him that you love both of them and that you deserve happiness just as much as the next guy.
If your son has all the information as far as your feelings and such, he should at least TRY to act better.
I hope the stress of all this isn't making your blood sugars go through the roof! I've been a diabetic for nearly twenty years now (I'm 32 years old) and have seen what stress can do to an already sick body. Hang in there and keep us posted!

Well you didnt say how old your kids were or how long you and this guy dated before you got married. Which could have a lot to do with how you deal with this.
Im a mother of 3, single for 2 years now..and one of 8 kids who went through our parents divorcing and remarrying a couple of times each.
The only things I can tell you is that it will take time. Try to be understanding and keep trying to talk about it, but you cant let him control the situation.
A very important thing to remember though, is any punishment or consequences cannot come from your husband. I know alot of people who try to let the step parent be the disciplinarian but it doesnt work. Your kids didnt pick him, you did..and they will resent the hell out of him and you. You must take control but you both must love them. and you both must try to be understanding.
It wont be easy, but they love you and if they see that your husband loves you and cares for them, and isnt trying to replace them in your life, they will come around.
Good Luck

Ok, so far I agree with the rest of the women here. I HAVE BEEN WHERE U ARE ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO!! And I agree with the other mom who said this is something that's just going to take time.....patience.....and understanding. Just be patient with your son right now because my oldest did the SAME EXACT THING and acted the same way u are describing. Your son feels like if he bulks enough it will come between you are your husband, and like the other mom said, you have to be sure that you don't let him feel like he's in control of this situation and that he KNOWS YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE! GOOD LUCK AND HOPE THIS HELPS.

I lived in a broken home also as a child. My mother remarried when I was 10. I always blamed my step father for breaking my parents up. Eventually my stepfather grew on me though. He used to take me fishing and camping. He also made sure that he made an effort to not leave me out of things. Before I grew older and started raising my own children I never knew how much I really appreciated all that my stepfather did for me. He taught me a lot of things about life and really did make a difference when he helped with homework.

I agree with the others. TALK to your kids as much as you can. Encourage them to spend time with your husband. If they come to you asking for help... send them to your husband tell them how smart he is and what a good man he is every chance you can get. Eventually it will get to them and they will start to understand.

Tell your husband to plan special things with them. Fishing is inexpensive and where I live there are a lot of places that cater to those with disabilities. Maybe your kids can help him. Let him teach your children interesting things. Throw a ball, build a birdhouse, things like that. If your kids are involved in clubs or sports both you and your husband should get involved. Tell your husband to be a mentor before trying to have a relationship. Being a mentor will eventually earn a childs friendship.

You don't have much longer before the kids are going to be grown up and on their own. Maybe they like me will cause problems in the house now but maybe they will eventually learn what your husband has to offer. One last thing. When you child argues.........IGNORE IT>>>>>>Don't let him get to you. My daughter is 8 and she knows that I WILL NOTTT....argue with her. If the case may beee PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN let the kids know that they are stuck with your new husband and thats the way its going to be because you are the parent they don't have any other choice. If they love you they will learn to deal with the changes. Also try asking the boys what they want you to do, make sure that you tell them to be realistic. Hope this gives you some ideas.

I would check into family counseling. The kids are not adjusting to the change well with your husband and they need some help. It is a matter of respect and they probably feel he is not their dad so why should they have to listen to him, and that is the wrong attitude. I would get into family counseling as soon as possible with the whole family. The counselor may want to meet with you or the kids or your husband separately to try to gain some perspective about where everyone is coming from and then try to help the family as a whole get along better. I wish you the best.

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS A LITTLE ON THE SNEAKY SIDE BUT BUY A NANNY CAM AND RECORD WHATS HAPPENING WHILE YOUR WORKING IF YOU FIND THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS AS HELPFUL AS HE SAYS THEN SHOW THE SON THAT IS SO USED TO IT JUST BEING YOU AND HIM JUST HOW HE IS ACTING!!BUT I CAME FROM A HOME WITH A STEP-DAD THAT TOLD MY MOTHER JUST HOW HELPFUL HE WAS TO ME.KEEP IN MIND I GREW UP IN THE 70'S. SO I USED A TAPE RECORDER TO CATCH ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS MY STEP-DAD WOULD SAY TO ME WHEN MY MOM WAS GONE.BUT MY MOM CHOSE TO STAY WITH MY STEP DAD INSTEAD OF TAKING MY SIDE AFTER SHE HEARD THE TAPES!SO THEREFORE I LEFT HOME AT AGE 12. BUT I MADE IT THANKS TO THE GOOD LORD AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.I HOPE THIS HELPS AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY!!!

Hi! I couldn't help noticing you said mostly "my son." So I'm wondering if your other son is your step son? Also i noticed you recently got married. The age frame is important too. I can tell you from my own personal experience. I'm 25 so it was not long ago. First when I lived with my mom. She got remarried like 4 times. So i did the same thing agrue but alot of it was the fear of building a relationship with someone just for it to end and lose someone again. Sometimes it was giving things up or moving that I took it out on them because they were the reason my world was changing. Then issues arose with my moms last husband. So i went to live with my dad. Then came my step mom. I was 15 when I moved in with my dad and step-mom. They had a kid together he was like in 4th or 5th grade. But I didn't get along with her at all. Mostly because she treated us differently. i would see the favortism she would show my younger brother. They always went out of there way to go to events that were for him but didn't care about mine or what I was involved in. So in order to fix this you need to see where the problem lies. Your son could be feeling left out or maybe feels like he's not getting enough attention and he acts out to get that attention. Because negative attention is still attention. Try to have an outting just the two of you do something he likes this may help him to open up and communicate. You could try the same with your husband. I'm not sure how extent his disability is but if there is something they can do together to maybe be able to bond just the two of them. I hope it works out and just remember how it is to be a teen. Sometimes maybe the problem isn't at home. Maybe there is something he is trying to deal with out side the home. He's just taking it out at home. Hope it works out.

Family therapy (counseling). It really does work. I have been where you are. We got to counseling a little too late for my daughter who was like your son. She has gone to live with her dad. She has always wanted that, even before I got remarried. But, we always said we never had the time for it, make the time. I think you will be surprised. Best of luck to you. Hang in there, hopefully your husband is a patient man like mine is!

Sounds like a typical response of a teenager to something he resents. I feel for you. I know it's hard for you husband, but I hope he isn't taking it personally.
I don't know what youv'e tried before. Have you tried making your son a part of the solution. Sit down with your teens. Tell them that your husband is trying, that he doesn't want to be their father, but wants to be a part of their life. Ask your son what he thinks will help the situation. Then make compromises. Maybe if he feels apart of the compromise, he won't resist so much.
Also, have tried finding out from your other child, what's eating at your son.

well i can tell you that growing up my mother was a single mother to, and we were use to only her direction, and felt very angry even when our own father tried to step in and do parenting things. It may be something that he just has to go through. But it may help if you and him spend more time toghter. Just you two. Maybe a movie every now and then.
Good luck,

D.,
you are asking a lot of your son. until you remarried he was the "man of the house". plus at his age he is trying to pull away and become a more independent person getting ready to go out on his own in a few years. be glad it is not you he is doing this with. in my family, my son who will be 18 in dec. is pulling away from me to show his independence. though he will listen to his father. so since i am the problem solver i give the ideas to his dad. after he accepts and it works, his dad will let him know it was my idea and he will thank me. go figure? my sisters tell me this is how he is trying to grow up and solve his own problems. teens, you gotta love them! is your son close to his biological father? if so this may be a good time for him to step up to the plate. the more people a teen has who care about them the better chance they have of maturing into an adult. take what you will. remember you married your husband not your son.