Dealing with In-Law Drama

Hi W.! Are we related? :) My husband's family drama looks good from 3000. His parents too have been divorced more than 25 years, yet there is still a great deal of bitterness. When we go home to visit we make it a point to set a schedule so that we see both sides of his family and his sister can see us whenever she chooses - with both his mom and dad.

Now that we have a child, my husband makes the effort to visit, but he has told him mother she needs to see someone if she is not over the divorce - since then, she doesn't say much. Neither of us engage in conversations with his mother or sister regarding his father or step mom.

No one really speaks to me regarding the drama because they know I will put them in their place - especially since I want my daughter to know them all, but I will not tolerate them saying anything negative in front of her.

Try being frank and telling them to grow up and move on, or you are done with them. Also, is your husband supportive - make sure he stands up for you and to them. It is important that your two children have the benefits of both of their father's parents, so remind them what is at stake - they must behave and be polite to maintain a good relationship with the grandchildren/niece and nephew.

It is so unfortunate that we - the outsiders have to deal with drama that occurred long before our entrance, but such is our draw. Good luck and feel free to email me if you need to vent. Honestly, reading your request reminded me so much of our situation, we are just further away, so the excuses for not visiting are easier!

K.

W.,
Hello W.! I wouldn't go...too bad for them. You married your husband not his family. ARRGGG...In-Law Drama.
Good Luck SISTER!!!

LADIES....SAY NO TO TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS!!!!

Hi W. -
Sounds like you need to get some distance from the drama clan. What I've learned is that those kind of people NEVER change. The only thing you can do is stay away from them. My own mother-in-law has been so nasty to me, I won't have anything to do with her anymore. When she wants to see my son, my husband takes him to meet with her, and I go have "Pamper L. Day" which nourishes me.

Please don't compromise your own happiness for petty people, there is no way you can win with them. Trying to make them happy at your own expense just turns you into a doormat. Boundaries are healthy. And if your husband is supportive of you staying away from them, then you are very fortunate.

Only you can stand up for you. Let them think what they want. Take care of yourself first.

Good luck, L.

With people like this, NOTHING YOU DO WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH. They will always find something to fault you with. Some people will never let others "live their life" and will not leave others alone, much less honor their choices.

I'm glad your Husband has the wisdom to tell you that their "problems" existed even before you came into their family. Good. He supports you. BUT... perhaps, he could "correct" them when he witnesses "lies" being told about you. Then again, I wouldn't want to even talk to people like this. They will make trouble no matter what.

I have a friend, who has in-laws JUST like yours. She and her Hubby have, through MANY MANY problems dumped on them from her in-laws... basically dis-owned them. They were made to feel so miserable, no matter what they did, and it ruined their family and almost caused the 2 of them to divorce... which her MIL had wanted. NOW, they are really much much happier. They cut ties with them... and no longer tolerate their dysfunctional behaviors at all. Her husband did not want his nasty family to cause harm to his wife or children any longer. This was their solution. However, they are much happier this way. If there does need to be contact with her in-laws... only her Husband does. They no longer let his family "control" them and hold them emotionally hostage.

Yes, I'm sure you wouldn't want this vicious cycle of behavior to influence YOUR own children or peace. It is toxic.
Sometimes, people put up with a lot of suffering all in the name of "keeping the peace and relations with the Grandparents...." BUT... really think... are THEY concerned for you & your children's best interest??? I think not. Your dear MIL already makes it known that she does not like you nor her Son's choice in a wife. This also shows deep disrespect for her own Son. Again, Toxic MIL.

I know it's not for everyone to "dis-own" their in-laws.... But to "change" the thoughts of a mass crowd (in this case your in-laws), is not always possible, and many times impossible. You are dealing with YEARS of dysfunctional behavior...that cannot always be "fixed" with pleasantries and fake smiles.

Just stay home. You have your husbands blessings and support. BUT, be prepared for them to "talk stink" about you for not showing up. This is very likely.

Take care, and be strong,
~Susan

Hiya W.:
Wowww My first thought was....Thank your lucky stars,they don't live right around the corner!! lol.Your fortunate they live so far,but Your unfortunate, that the telephone was invented!: ) After hearing your plight, I thought,If I were in your shoes,I would stay home.What the heck do you care what they think or say,about your absence at the reunion? It sounds to me as though, They never have really thought of you as family anyway.You get along with your husbands step-mom,and I'm guessing that your children are far more attached and consider her their (Grandma)Thats wonderful!Do you really believe, that your kids would miss a thing,if they stayed home with you,rather than go? You know full well, that they will be subjected to all the backstabbing, and bad-mouthing of you or their (Grandma)who they are close to.They don't need to hear all that.I would stay home with my kids, and let my hubby go.I'm guessing, that you won't miss A thing.I'm guessing, that once your husband makes this trip, it will be a long while before he wants to go back!You have your Own family to consider now. You want to protect your sons from all the havoc,and bad blood between family members.You just concentrate,on keeping your home harmonious.The very best to you and (your family) W..

Questions:
How long have you been with your husband? How long have you known his Step-mom? Did your sister-in-law have any idea that the person she was talking about (that someone that knew the object of gossip) was behind her?
Reason: You have kids 6 and 5... if your husband is the father then you have know about this problem for sometime.
If you go to the reunion keep the kids away from the drama.
If you don't go then they will find another reason to keep the drama going "You are trying to keep the kids away from them" their reasoning not mine. Stay at an hotel/motel during your stay ... takes the that pressure off a little, Just tell people it would be better for the kids.
If you knew his step-mom for awhile then there is a thing call jealously on their part. You should know it isn't a reflection on you. You and your husband seem to have it together with "we can't let it effect us".
Sounds like your sister in law is someone that I would stay away from ... since I don't know her she sounds like she is one who likes to stir things up and keep them stirred up.
All families have some type of drama but it is up to us on how to deal with it.
You nor your husband made this drama up but you can put and end to it. Tell all involved that the issues of the past should stay in the past ... Life is to short to waste it on things that are not rewarding.

My mother and father have been divorced for ever and my mom is still bitter also. It is difficult.

At times I have had to tell my mom not to contact me, at all! When you are around your family set your boundries and gently but firmly patrol them. These people know they are pitiful and don't need to be reminded, but you can take the focus off them and let them know that you are not a garbage can. Personally I would go because you have a chance to model great behavior for your children. Don't just protect them, tell them that there are hurt feelings in the family and some people are sad about things that happened a long time ago and that they may say mean things. Explain that it is because they are hurting, so if your child repeats the talk it is not ugly words. I am closer to my step mom than my mom too. She loves me for me and doesn't need my constant petting and attention. This is a subject that my mom and I don't talk about. I refuse to go there if she brings it up. One thing that worked was asking her if she thought it was a bad thing that my "love Mommy" loved me? Was she not glad for me that I was loved by another person?

Good luck on all this. The stay away advice may work for a while but unless you are willing to let these people die alone and your children to live without them you have to deal with it.

I would go, and enjoy myself....I would love to have some words with your sister in law. I would flat out tell her the reason is because your mom doesn't accept me as who I am and the step mom does. mama needs to get over the fact that your husband choose you. IF the drama was there before you got married they will take it to their grave. Can't mope over it for to long, so enjoy your life with your beautiful family, and don't let their drama ruin a minute on the family reunion. Enjoy the ones that like you!

I agree. Dont go. Best part is that you have your husbands support about staying home. Some people are just toxic.
Sounds like you need to create some boundries with your inlaws. A great book to help with this is "Boundries" by Cloud and Townsend.
Best of Luck. Heidi