Dealing with Depression Regarding Stillborn Birth

I CAN NOT EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE THE HURT AND SADNESS YOU MUST BE FEELING INSIDE. HAVE YOU TALKED TO A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST OR SOMEONE? SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING PERSON WHO WILL LET YOU CRY YOUR HEART OUT...GET MAD...CRY AGAIN...BE SAD..AND DO IT ALL UNTIL YOU ARE ABLE TO SMILE AGAIN. IF IT TAKES YOU BREAKING DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF WALMART, BALLING YOUR EYES OUT...OR AT YOUR OWN HOME ..WHATEVER. YOU NEED TO LET ALL OF THAT HURT OUT. YOU ARE A MOM AND MOMS ARE JUST MADE TO BE STRONG.....AND WHEN YOU CANT BE SO STRONG, REMEMBER GOD MADE DADS TO LEAN ON TOO. IM SURE ITS DIFFERENT FOR YOUR HUSBAND...BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU MAY THINK. I MEAN YOU CARRIED AND NOURISHED YOUR BABY FOR A LONG TIME...BUT YOUR HUSBAND SAW THE CHANGES IN YOU..YOUR BODY...MAYBE EVEN FELT A KICK OR TWO. TALK TO HIM..YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE OK. HE IS STILL YOUR CHILD SO CHERISH ALL OF THE PREGNANCY MOMENTS YOU HAD...THE MOMENT YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT ...WHY YOU CHOSE HIS NAME...ANYTHING EVEN THE WEIRD CRAVINGS YOU HAD. WHATEVER IT TAKES. IT MAY SEEM LIKE HARPING ON IT, AND I DONT MEAN FOR IT TO BE THAT WAY. IM JUST SAYING TO REMEMBER ALL OF THE GOOD EVEN IF YOU WERENT GIVEN IT COMPLETELY. YOU STILL HAVE MOMENTS TO CHERISH.
AS FAR AS EVER WANTING ANOTHER BABY, THAT IS ONLY SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL KNOW IF OR WHEN IT IS RIGHT. I WISH YOU THE BEST. I TRULY AM SORRY FOR ALL OF THE HURT YOU ARE FEELING.

T.,
Honey I know you probably hear the same thing from everyone,
that it will get easier to deal with; and it will, but it takes time. I lost 2 (miscarriages) I was blessed with more children but the pain and the what if's seem to always be there in one way or another. I can tell you with time and healing YOU will get better and you WILL want to try again. Steer towards your faith and pull comfort from that and your husband and even your daughter. No one can replace Tyler and you will never forget him. It may hurt right now to do this but you might try and make a memory/scrapbook/journal of anything you have that will remind you of him.
If you feel you just can not deal any longer please, please remember you are not alone and seek help. God Bless-T.

Hi T.,

I am so sorry about your loss. That seems so cliche to say that to you. I can't imagine what you must be feeling.

I am writing to let you know that I believe St. Vincent has a grief and loss program for parents who have lost babies. I don't know any of the contact info. There's also a place called Brooke's Place for children who have suffered death of a loved one. ###-###-#### They may have some resources for you as well. Finally, you may also have some postpartum depression going on. (Not to minimize the loss of Tyler) It woudl be a good idea to talk with a doctor about that as well. Maybe one-on-one therapy and/or an anti-depressant would be helpful to you. You are not alone. Hang in there! I'll be praying for you! C.

T., First off let me send my deepest sympathy. I have had a few miscarriages and one eptopic that has scarred me emotionally for life, but to carry the baby that long I just couldn't imagine. God has blessed me with two wonderful boys, 2-1/2 and 6 months. I know that you shouldn't give up. It just wasn't intended for Tyler to be here with you now, you will meet with him again someday, but I don't think that he would want you to continue to suffer. It will decrease, but you did lose a child so you will always have that empty spot in your heart. My suggestion is to try again and again and again if that's what it takes. Me and my husband didn't think we would ever be able to have children after all of my misfortunes, but we were doubly blessed! God has a plan for you, whether you believe it or not, there is a reason that you didn't get to keep Tyler here with you. If you ever want to talk about it I would be happy to help you through this. I know that if you don't talk about it, it will eat you alive.
Good luck in what ever you decide.
My prayers are definitely with you and your family.
K.

T., I am so terribly sorry for your pain!!! I have been pregnant 4 times but we only have 1 child. Although it has been 3 years since the last miscarriage, I still hurt and cry when I hear someone else is pregnant. I don't think the pain ever goes away from losing a child but it will lessen overtime. There is nothing wrong with giving yourself time to not go into Tyler's room. Have you looked into a support group in your area or online? That is very helpful. If you want another child and when the time is right, you will know. Until then, focus on the wonderful family that you do have! Feel free to email me anytime!!

They say it takes 2 seasons to get through a loss. My heart goes out to your family. Sorry for your loss.

M.

T., from my experience I can tell you that your pain will subside and one day you will be able to help another women with your story.
I would like to recommend you contact Caleb Ministies. It provides support for women dealing with the trauma of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth and early infant death. www.calebministries.org or you can contact Sandy Day at ###-###-####.
Take care of yourself and take the time to mourn your loss.

Hi T.,
First of all I am very sorry about your loss, I can't imagine the pain you have been going through. Saying that, my husband is a child and adolescent psychiatrist and also is a board certified adult psychiatry. He told me that real intense pain and overwhelming grief can be a natural part of the grieving process especially the first 8-10 weeks. However, that this should get better with time. If you are experiencing severe signs of depression after this 2 month period, not sleeping, not eating, withdrawn, hopeless, or even thoughts of death, you should see a professional for therapy and even consider medications if symptoms are severe enough. There is a form of therapy "Interpersonal Therapy" that can deal specifically with grief. Many people with a stillborn child go on to have more children. A close friend of ours lost twins 10 weeks before the due date, and now have a happy little one year old boy (they waited about 8 months before trying again). They honored the twins with planting two trees in their yard. You should have a legacy for your lost child at your new home and eventually create new life. Best of luck to you.
F.

I do not have any advice really but I did want to tell you that I am so sorry to hear about your loss of Tyler. Although he is not with you in life, he will forever be in your mind and heart. You should, and I say this with all respect, try to understand that Tyler is not alone and he is a better place. Babies are the most innocent of God's creations and sometimes, even though we do not understand his plan, terrible things happen to good people. I know you and your family are devastated by the loss. Myself and my family's prayers are with you. If you are a religious person, I say rely on your faith in the Lord because he will see you through even the darkest of times. Do not let it keep you from trying again if you are able, nothing can replace Tyler but you can share your love with another child and know that Tyler will always be smiling at you from heaven and be your little angel.
TheresaT

I CAN NOT imagine how you are feeling. Oh my, what pain! I don't have any advice but I will be praying for you. That just has to be soooo hard. I am so sorry for your loss!

I am so sorry :o( I can not say that I understand where you are coming from because I have never experienced this; however I have experience a few miscarriages and I know the hurt and emptiness you are feeling. My first miscarriage was in high school and definitely was a god send. My second was after my daughter(who is 4 now) and before my son(who is almost 2). While they hurt the same each time...I give that extra love to my son and my daughter each time. It gives you something to keep your heard up about.

I have not read your other responses so I am not sure what all you have bene told, but I hope that you are finding comfort in everyone here and if you need someone to talk to...one of us is available. I have Yahoo Messenger and MSN Messenger and I check email several times a day. I am new to this site(today new) but I love it already and will be on it quite often.

Please don't hesitate to talk to me. Like I said...I don't know exactly what you are feeling but I know how hard it is to get through everyday when you have been let down. And by let down...I mean that you have everything planned and then for the plans to crumble right below you. I hated God with my first miscarriage but then realized that it was for my own good. Your body always has a way of rejecting things for whatver the reason.

Take Care and *hugs*
C.

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I do not know first hand what it feels like but I do know about pain. I had my son last September who was born at 26 weeks. He was in the hospital until mid-December. There were a few occasions where we almost lost him. I watched him lay in the incubator day in and day out, go through numerous amounts of surgeries, and struggle just to live. I would say it was the hardest time of my entire life, especially being at a young age (I'm 23). Although I still have him here with me, I always catch myself going back to those days and wondering what I would be doing right now if he had not survived. The pain will lessen as each day goes by and soon enough you will get the courage to go into his room and eventually consider having another child. I learned that the more I was open and talked about how I was feeling, the easier it was to get through it. I had him at St. Vincent Womens Hospital and I know they have a lot of resources and stuff for help. It was a big help to me. If you need to talk or vent please feel free to email me at: ____@____.com. I hope your pain fades away fast but let the memories last forever!!

Dear T.,
my name is D. and I am very sorry for your lost. I am 34 year old and a mother of 3 living childerns. I had two sons at the time when i found out that i was pregnant. At that time they where 6 and 3 yeras old. About 24 weeks in to a non complicate pregnancy one morning a felt weard but the following morning i had an appointment to find out the sex wich I always knew it was a boy (Jose). His heart stop beatting..... as simple as that. I couldn,t allowed my selft to cray. My husband was away (working) and so as the kids (summer time visiting the grandparent). I was in a shock. Everybody came home but because of the kid i hidded it.... it was already enough for them to deal with the lost and also having to deal with mommy's dipression. My husban saw my craying from time to time.... or air mind. It took me time to heal. I named him, i talked about it with my husband, i talked to the kids about it (for their ages). I named him and that helped me to think of him differently. I dried some flowers that were send to me and i still have them in a nice base. It is ok to take time to go over his things and room. It will get better..... It been over two years and now we are bless with a 10 month old daugther wich we never tough that we will going to try again. God Bless You.

My heart is breaking for you and your family T.!!
I would have had a child who would have been 10 this year..but while carrying my baby I lost him or her. We had to name the baby and I had to have a memorial service for my child. At the time I had a child who was going to be moved from the baby bed to "big girl" bed, but when I first lost my baby I remember walking in to check on my oldest child...and it hit me that I wouldn't ever hold my child.
It helped me to talk to people about the baby, I have wrote letters to my child, and I reading a book about how that children who are young die and go to Heaven to wait on us... T. if you ever need to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience I am here for you.

T.,

Let me first start of by saying I am truely sorry for the loss of Tyler. I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this pain. In 2004, I lost my twins. One died in utero and the other was stillborn. It is a very sad and lonely feeling when you lose your child. The pain will decrease but no one can tell you when. It could take four months or four years. You have to go through the grieving process at your own pace. As fas as wanting another child, that is something you and your husband are going to have to decide. I have heard some people say they don't want anymore while others did. My husband and I decided to try again and we now have a 14 month old.

I am not sure how you and your husband will deal with the grieving but what helped me is I joined a support group called consoling parents. I also read a lot of books and talked to people. My husband on the other hand, talked to me and grieved on his own. Just whatever you decide to do, make sure you grieve for Tyler.

I wish you and your family the best.

First of all, I won't say I know how you feel. I have been very lucky with my pregnancies, but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry about Tyler. I can't even imagine how hard this time is. I will be praying for you, and I hope other moms who have gone through this will be able to help you!

C.

T., I have two friends who went through this. Plus I have an older friend who experienced this in Charlotte, NC. I can get her information if you would like to talk to her. She is a wonderful Christian woman and a dear friends of my mom.

My other two friends didn't deal well with it. They both lost their marriages.

Unfortunately, I can't do much but to send prayers to you and to lend an ear if you need to talk.

God Bless,
C.

I experienced a miscarriage about 14 weeks into a pregnancy a few years ago and can understand your pain. It does get better, and the desire for more children may or may not come back. I am now at a point where I really don't want to have an infant my daughter is 5 and we are pretty set, but that doesn't mean that you will not want more children. I would recommend seeking some counseling. Either from a psychologist, or a lady in your church, or even a counseling center that caters to women. I believe that it is normal to be hurt and experiencing pain from the loss, but you need to be careful that you do not withdraw into a deep depression, and I think talking to someone who is a professional would help tremendously. I wish you the best.

I know another woman who recommends Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy (a Bible Study) which is available through Amazon. I hope you find it helpful.
J.

First of all let me say I am sorry. Secondly, I gave birth to twins in 2003 at 22+6 days. They weighed 1lb 1oz each and both died shortly after birth. I can say I understand your pain, grief, loss and emptiness. I cannot say I know completely how you feel because everyone grieves differently. I belong to an online support group through yahoo that has helped allot. The name is The Angel Connection. Also, email me privately and I can give you my phone number. I live in Greenwood and will be moving to Franklin the fall.

I am so sorry and can't imagine the pain that you must be dealing with. I will pray that your pain subsides.

L.
Waxhaw, NC

T.,
You have suffered an enormous loss, quite recently, and are still in great pain from the emotional blow. It's hard to predict how long your healing will take, but you will start to feel better as time goes on. Whatever comfort you can draw from your healthy 2 year old & your husband you should take; you can tell your daughter that you are very sad about Tyler and that you love her completely. Talking honestly about feelings will help lessen the power of the anguish.
Seeking professional help is a good idea, since having someone to guide you through grieving can be enormously valuable, particularly if you plan to try for another child. You won't always feel this way. You have my deepest sympathy and understanding and I hope that the pain will start to ease soon.
S. O.

I am so so sorry to hear about your son. I can't even imagine going through something like that. I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist regarding your depression. I would recommend Dr. Stephanie Boyd at Harbison Psychological Services. She specializes in depression in women. I think she could really help in dealing with your situation. I wish the best for you!

I am so sorry for your loss and pray for your healing. If you would not mind sending me your e-mail I have a friend who lost two children. One through stillbirth the other caused by heart problems within a few months of birth. She has a great deal of information on this subject, has done a lot of work with women and may be able to point you in the right direction for healing. She lives in South Bend. God Bless.

I am so sorry for the pain you are dealing with. Loss is so difficult, but the pain can be eased by finding others who have experienced something similar. You have to find people to talk to about this. Talk to your doctor about finding support groups and a good therapist to help you work through this. You do not have to go through it alone. My life was turned upsidedown 1 year ago with a major loss, and the only thing that made me feel any better was talking to others who were going through the same thing, and going to my therapist once a week. It is important to learn how to feel the pain, cry about it, give your self time to feel all of the feelings, and then learn how to manage them. It took every ounce of energy and will I had to start taking a shower and putting on makeup every day. Then I added a 45 minutes of exercise before my shower. When I conquered that, I was able to start adding other things to my routine that were "normal". I still well up and cry at least 2 times a week, but it is getting better. And my husband and son are happier because I am happier. You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. I wish you the best.

T.- I am so sorry. I have had one premie that was still born and one that lived 30 min. after birth. I was 40 and 42 when that happened. I had 3 children. It is very painful- you may deal with post partum stuff too along with grief depression. Get together with understanding friends often. I went into a long depression- dr. just didn't get it- he told me you will be "little" sad from time to time. No as you know it feels like someone put a hole in your heart. My relationship with Christ helped too. Give yourself time- you never get over it but the pain isn't as sharp after awhile. My sister had a stillborn too- she had another baby a yr later. I because of all problems I was having was afraid to try again- I would have loved to have more children. Not being able to go in his room sounds normal to me. Just give yourself permission to do things little at a time. I had to take down all new born pics, I gave my friend all baby clothes I'd collected and said I need you to give them to someone this is just too hard for me. If you would like you can e-mail me again if you need to talk, sometimes you do. j(____@____.com) I kept all stuff- I haven't made my memory book for the girls- it's been 12yrs since I lost 1st one- 10 the second. You will watch people's kids that would be his age. 1st Annv. of his death, birthdays will be hard - do something for you and yourhusband.

I want to start by saying it is the worst pain u will ever feel, but it will get easier. It will never be gone completely but it wont be as hard. I gave birth to my son Jacob on 06-01-02. Due to complications in labor I lost him when he was 5 days old. I didnt think I was going to be able to handle it, but with talking to friends and family, I was able to get thru the hardest days. You will be able to go in his room when you are ready. Dont force yourself to try to get thru it. It will all come in due time. If you need to sit on the floor in his room and cry for 2 hrs. then thats what you need to do. You will know when you are ready to start working thru it.

As for having another baby that will come in time too. When you feel ready to start trying for another you will know. You just have to trust yourself and listen to your heart. I have my heart now (he is 3 months old). I didnt think I would ever want to try for another, but as time went on and the pain eased some that was all I could think about. Dont get me wrong I drove my doctor crazy with questions and needing the reasurance that everything was ok, but she knew my history and helped me thru it.

there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You simply just need to do it your way. I promise it will get better, and with everyday that passes it will get a little easier. The pain never goes away completely and there will always be a place in your heart for him...but it will not always be the blinding pain that it is now. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to contact me thru my e-mail (____@____.com). I am a stay at home mom and can talk any time of the day or night. I hope this has help you even if only a little.

T.,

I used to work in a hospital in Virginia. I floated from working in the nursery over to labor and delivery and I have to say, seeing a mother go through that is heart wrenching. No parent should ever have to experience that kind of a pain. There is nothing like the loss of the child.
The pain will decrease, however, it will take time. You will also get through it at your own pace. To compare your recovery to another person's is not fair to you. Your time frame for recovery will be completely different from another's. Our bereavement team encouraged talking to a therapist. Sometimes the best listeners are the ones that aren't directly involved.
Go to your doctor if the therapist cannot prescribe medicine because you might benefit from an antidepressant. An antidepressant will help you even out your moods so that you can start to feel that moving on is possible.
Try to involve your husband. Therapy is something you can do individually and together. Try to keep in mind that everyday, you are making progress in getting through this.
I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through. I hope this helps even though it is almost a month after you posted it.
Take care!