Dealing Tactfully with a Whiner

I am the mother of 2 whiners. My son will whine if no one seems to want to play with him and one of my girls will whine if all the others do not want to do what she wants. If the whiner's mom is looking to you to correct your child, then she is not helping her own. When my son whines that he has nothing to do because the others do not want to play, I tell him he either needs to go ask what the others are doing or actually ask if he can help/play, etc. When my daughter complains that the others won't play with her, I ask questions and then tell her she needs to understand that not everyone wants to do the same things and they need to come up with some kind of compromise. If this doesn't work, they can sit it out. They usually don't sit out very long. Granted, there have been times the others were just being mean because they knew what the result would be. Then I have stepped in to all-though I have gotten some looks from other parents. If you are close to the child, maybe you can say something to him. Otherwise, you will need to talk to the mom.

I think the only thing to do here is to ignore "the look". If your kids are behaving and this one is a twit... it is his parent's problem! Smile and find something else to do besides being aware of her glare. I go thru this with my SIL's kids every year. Over the years I have gotten close enough to look at her kid and say... quit whining and find something else to do.. but it doesn't sound like you are comfortable with that.
So smile politely and ignore them!

This can't be that uncommon for that age - it seems like half the playdates my 5yo has end up with one of them whining that the other one won't play the game the first kid wants to play. I think pointing the finger at one kid is a little unfair, unless your under-5s are pretty extraordinary. They all whine! They all want their way! If the dynamic always works out they way you describe, I wonder if something else is going on.

It might help to set up some more organized activities for the kids to avoid the problem, since it sounds like some of the kids are pre-K age. Maybe each of the parents could plan to spend 15 minutes with the kids leading a game or craft until the kids are playing together comfortably. It also wouldn't hurt for the other kids to be reminded that you can't play a game and exclude anyone when you're at a family gathering. It's amazing when you observe what the kids do, how the dynamic isn't always what you think it is at first (my kids have 13 cousins under the age of 12 we see during the holidays, so I have some experience in this area. Some kids are great at looking innocent - don't automatically take your kid's side until you know the facts.)

I know this probably won't help you because it is not your child, but after the initial explanation of why my child is in the wrong, I just say "WENDY" and she gets that I mean Wendy Whiner and she stops. Fo my son, I use Wendell and he gets it. Then there is the whole "Do you want cheese with that Whine?" It usually turns to laughter. I guess I would have to explain to this child that we let all kids take turns choosing the games we play. If we play school, he isn't always the teacher, restaurant, he isn't always the chef, ect... Hopefully he gets the hint, and if not, maybe his parents will. Good luck to you! : )

I would sweetly intervene and tell the young man that the kids do want to play with him, but now it is someone elses turn to pick the game and if he just goes over and plays their game everyone will be happy. Maybe sit down and explain that you can't always be the leader....you have to take turns. Everyone has to have a turn picking the games that are played. And then point him back to the direction of the kids and tell him to go play. Be nice about it and talk down at his level. That way the mother and the boy understand that everyone is onto the game and he has to change his ways. Keep doing it every time he whines. Maybe even sit with the kids for an hour or so and referee so that you can make every whining moment a teaching moment.

I have to agree w/ Diane...she hit it on the head. I have a home daycare, so my own kids can be whiners at times, too...w/ a bigger group of kids, they aren't all going to want to do the same thing all the time. If one comes and tells me no one will play w/ her/him, then I ask if they were asked to play what the others were playing...if it's 3 to 1 on what they want to play, you either want to be included and play their fun thing, or not. I have found that sometimes, the whiner is just being difficult and pouting because they want everyone else to do their activity. It does go both ways though...sometimes the whiner is actually the one being left out.

So...if I were you, I would try to observe their play and see what is actually happening...if whiner is just choosing not to play, you can nicely tell him (in front of his mom) that he was asked to be included and it was his choice not to play. Also, try to plan some fun crafts they can do together...that always works for us! Best of luck w/ this!

Wow, you described my family gatherings to a T!

For years we had a whiner, I'll call her "Ashley." Ashley was bossy and liked to tell all the other kids what to do. Eventually they'd get tired of being bossed around and so they'd exclude her. Then she'd come whining to her mom who would try to "make" the other kids play with Ashley (usually by telling the other kids they were being mean and making them wrong). Then the other parents (her brother) would get mad because his kids were well-mannered and her's was the brat and they'd fight. *sigh*

So what I started doing is keeping an eye on the kids myself. And if I saw Ashley being bossy I'd pull her aside and tell her to stop (not in front of her mom). I knew if she went to her mom, her mom would act like she was the angel and the other kids were being mean. For some reason Ashley listened to me and she'd stop...for a while...and the kids would get along OK.

Eventually she grew out of this, but it took MANY years. She had no friends at school (of course Mom believed that the other kids were "jealous" of her daughter's smarts) and I think she got the picture.

Maybe take turns keeping an eye on the kids with someone else who shares your feeling and try to stop the whining before it happens. Good luck!