Daughter Rejects Daddy

Sounds very familiar. My 3-year-old is the same way, but it goes through phases. Having certain activities that are just with Dad helps.

Hi J., I also have a 21mo old daughter and had the same problem. I decided around Christmas that they needed to have
"their thing" without me. I signed them up for a Saturday morning Gymboree class and then they go to Target to get supplies (I give Dad a list). Sometimes she gets a coloring book or a special book at Target. It has worked out great for everyone. It has really made a difference in their relationship. Good luck!

Hi J.,

I can totally understand what you're going through. I have a 6 year old and she has always been that way and still is. It is frustrating and exhausting to have your child always at your feet.It got to the point where I was tripping over her. Fortunately, she has started full day Kindergarten so it gives me a little break during the day. I call her my little puppy dog following me around, that is now kind of a joke between us. She says "here comes your puppy dog". I've noticed the more I acknowledge it the more she would do it, so I've tried to make light of it, because it was really getting to me when she was younger. That might help you. I am also having my husband work with me to give her more attention when we're all home together, because she is also fine once I leave the house and it is just them. Once we had our second child, who is now 17 months, it did get worse and she did resent her baby sister a little but has now grown to love her. I find it is hard to show the baby attention when my 6 year old is around, she wants all my attention all the time and it just isn't possible. My 17 month old has no preference to who she's with. I think some kids just might be that way and have a closer bond to one of their parents. Hopefully it gets better for you. The one thing that has helped me deal with it mentally is reminding myself they are only little for a very short time. I try to stay patient and appreciate the time I have with them because soon she will be all grown up and I'll be wishing I had the days back when she did follow me everywhere (I sometimes already miss when she was in diapers). I know it's hard but try to enjoy it, sometimes just giving her a big hug would also help, not only her but me, sometimes that would be all she needed. Hopefully this will help a little.Good luck!

Hi J.,

I have had some similar experiences with my two boys (21 months and 4 yrs). I'm also a working Mom, and since I don't know your husband, or how involved he is with parenting, it's hard to give your specific advice. However, here are a few things I've learned:
1. As a working Mom, my kids absolutely cherish Mommy time. Santa Claus could be standing next to them and they wouldn't bat an eyelash. Since they don't get to see me much, they exhibit what often appears as odd behaviour - like ignoring Daddy.
2. I've found that when I am with my kids, they can be very clingy in foreign environments. My oldest hates when I leave him at pre-school at church. If I stay, he pretty much refuses to participate in the class and sits curled up on my lap. But if I'm not there, he's interactive and engaged. I'm his security blanket. He wants special time with me. He'd rather sit with me than play with the other kids because he views our time together as so very precious.

So I wouldn't worry about the anti-Daddy phase. My oldest still refuses to say good-night to Daddy at bedtime. On occasion he'll wisper it as we're leaving the room. Haven't figured that one out yet, but I know that he loves his Daddy and he tells him so at other times of the day.

As one seasoned father told me once, just when you can't stand the phase they're in, when you're at the end of your rope, they change and move into another phase. I guess they somehow know that it's their only way to survive :-)

Good luck!

D. C.
Mother of two toe-heads

Every daughter goes through stages with their dad. Mine is now almost 18. Through the tough teens and other power struggles along the entire way, i am her rock, dad is her adviser on matters regarding his realm, math specifically and technical matters, from finance to cars, they need their dads, to be proud of them even through tough times and even when rejected. Boys may do the same. We are the soft hug for them, we are their shoulder to cry on. Dads, help them with planning, organizing, learning (as do we, but maybe in different ways). Dads think future, we think about what they are eating today, what they ate yesterday, when their next appointments and activities are. Through all the years dads need to understand as do moms that rejection is normal, favoring is normal, we all fill a particular need for our children in the natural state of normal every day life. Fear not dear dad, baby girl will come to you if you open the door every time she looks for it. Advise for mom, for sanity purposes, take a weekend sabatical once a month or so, or volunteer for some position in your town's historical/recreational or religious group that takes you out of the picture at least one or two nights of the seven a week. You may find your young lady will find comfort in having dad and things will swing. Just advise, not applicable to everyone in every circumstance. Good luck with the blessing of your daughter both mom and dad. Sincerely, B. l

Hi J.
My granddaughter is 4 years old and she is still like this with herdaddy.She won't give him a hug or kiss him when my daughter is around Like your daughter Katie is fine with her daddy when mum is not around but as soon as she comes home she wants mummy. the only thing you can do is what you are doing now and leave them to have some time alone together. Does daddy bath her or put her to bed and read stories to her. This is what my Son in law does he makes games out of bath time and reading to her to make it enjoyable. She as started to respond more now. I think children seem more comfortable with mummy or grandma. katie is also like this with granddad if she visits and mummy goes shopping she only wants me but i try to give her some time with granddad by making my self busy so she will have to go to him. It is hard as granddad gets upset when she won't go to him. Tell your husband it is not personal it is just what children do

Hi J. - give it time. This is natural. My advice is to back off a bit on it and gradually work Dad back into the picture. Eeesh - one day it might be you! Hang in there.

it happens.. my niece did this too.. she'll eventually come around. just keep leaving them alone together .. good luck. it's a phase, a long one, but a phase

My daughter is 4 1/2 and has been that way since day 1. I had to do everyhting for her or she would scream hysterically. She is very affectionate with me but will not hug or kiss anyone else (Especially daddy). Now it has become a silly game with them. He always kisses her goodnight and she always wipes them off and laughs. I think some kids are just this way by nature. My daughter is #3 and none of the other kids are like this. My mom almost broke out in tears recently because she actually got a hug from my daughter. Don't push the issue just keep him as involved as possible and they will bond in thier own little way.

It's normal--don't worry about it. They'll find ways to love each other more & more as time goes by. As far as exhausting goes, you can either push the issue, which may actually backfire, or roll with it for now. She probably misses you and wants to stash up on good mama stuff for all the time she can. Realistically, and despite all the articles saying it's possible to change this, mama gets preference. You're already doing all the right thing making sure she gets time alone with her father.

Thinking this through... I really do think that trying to get her to direct her clingy energy to her dad while you're there will backfire. It's best just to leave that for the times when they're alone together and test it a little every now & then. It's his job to bridge the gap, not yours to send her away from you to make his job easier.

I can totally relate. My 30 month old son does the same thing. Recently I was sent an article from Globe columnist Barbara Meltz that she wrote on the subject saying this is normal behavior. An interesting point from the article is expressing hurt feelings to a toddler won't work, that they are too young to understand. It also says preference for a parent is not permanent but it can last for 2-3 years during infancy and toddlerhood, and that it can swing back and forth from one parent to another over the years. I think my son prefers me because he was breastfed until 15 months and associates me with comfort more...also typically I'm the one to get up with him in the AM, my husband likes to sleep in. The situation hasn't improved for us and cries of "Mommy do it" are heard on a daily basis. I can forward the article to your email, if you contact me at ____@____.com