"Daughter" Pulling Away-Needs Space

Invite her out to lunch or coffee and sit down and talk with her about all of this. She's an adult now. You needn't guess. Simply explain your concerns and ask her just what role you are to expect to have in her life, if any. Ask her to be honest and forthright, and do the same. There's no reason to circle around one another, nervously trying not to offend.

ETA: I think you should be the one to make that contact. Out of the two of you, you are the more mature and should take the mentor role. In order to relieve either of you feeling that you're being pushy about it, maybe just hold off until after the wedding. Send a lovely card and gift, but just let the whole situation be for now. Once she returns home after the wedding, call her and ask her out to lunch. At that point, all the stress of the wedding will be over, all the family drama will be through, and you can speak to her about your relationship without wedding weirdness muddying the water.

Make contact occasionally, and then take it from there. You sound like a reasonable person, she will come around eventually. This is one of those times where you take your cues from them -- keep taking the high road and reaching out, letting her know you will be there when she needs you.

Most kids need "space" at some point in their lives. It's just part of their development.

i would text her about once a month to see if she wants to have lunch. I don't think you need an agenda or to ask her what role she wants you to take - she may not know the answer to that. Just have lunch every now and then to stay in touch and develop an adult-to-adult relationship.

I think you need to talk to her about if she is looking for more of a friendship with you than a mom figure. I think you need a heart to heart with her about why she thinks she doesn't deserve your attention and if there's really something else going on or low self-esteem. You say she's not inviting you to the wedding, so I have to wonder if any outside pressures are making her unsure of where you fit in her life. You already said you understand and wouldn't bother her, but if you want to get to the bottom of it, you need at least one more face to face conversation, or at least a phone call. She may be "breaking up with you" but the conversation may give you closure. Young adults need to figure out who they are, and if she's getting married at just 22 or 23 (not that I'm against it - my sister married young) but marriage affects a lot of different things.

Anyway, have one more talk with her and see where you fit.

ETA: You need to talk with her to find out her definition of "once in a while". My "once in a while" could be very different. I call my mom about once a month, email a couple times a week, and see her in person every few months (she is not local). But that may not be what you need or she meant. You need to talk like adults.

I'd say 'every once in awhile' might be once every 2 or so weeks.
Adjust as necessary.
When I finished college, got a job in my profession and moved away from home to a different state - I just didn't have time to be talking to my Mom all the time.
Her schedule and mine were different - it was hard to touch base sometimes.
But once every few weeks (unless she was traveling - she'd let me know when she'd be out of town and this was before cell phones) was fine to talk.

I wonder if someone is giving her a difficult time about inviting you to the wedding and that grew into them angry about her elationship with you. Perhaps she is asking for space because she is trying to make time spent with family easier. Weddings can be quite stressful. Or, perhaps she needs space because she is close to you and interfacing with you while she has to deal with parents with whom she's not close.

I find it odd that you weren't allowed to have contact with her after the divorce. This suggests to me that her father was insensitive to her needs or was being pressured by someone else. I wonder if she has to keep her relationship with you very much separate than hers with family.

I also wonder how her fiance has responded. Perhaps he has access to her phone and he's complaining.

I'm hearing that even tho this is painful, you're honoring her wishes And asking how to do this. I suggest you wait until after the wedding to contact her asking for a face to face meeting. Talk about how you feel and how to go forward from here.

In the meantime text her every 2-3 weeks. Doing this will show her you still care. I imagine she may be worrying if you'll still be there for her after asking you to do this. She'll let you know if that is too often.

You are so sweet for wanting to be a part of her life, she is very lucky. Of course I don't know either of you, and the whole situation, but I'm wondering if she doesn't really know what she wants either. I'm sure as she continued growing up without you, she had this fantasy of contacting you once she turned 18. And though it sounds like it went great, I'm sure reality and fantasy weren't totally the same. Now she is getting married and imagining a new family that she is creating. I think like anyone else growing up, she is trying her best to get through these life transitions. And because of the complexities of her family- including you- it is going a little more clumsily.

So I think it's great that you aren't pressuring her. I would continue to honor her wishes, and text her maybe 2x per month to start. And maybe things that don't require a lot of effort on her part. Just a text with reference to a show, book, restaurant, something that you two had in common... just an "I saw this and it made me think of you or the time we..." then she can respond however she likes. Hopefully you can build from there.

Bottom line is this time in her life sounds rather fluid, and she is just putting her adulthood together the best way she knows how and is having a hard time. The way you are handling it will let her know that you are always there for her whether she needs to lean on you more... or less. I'm sure it's tough to watch this play out! You are quite a blessing for her, I know she knows that on some level.