Dating..For Mommy

I would have to say if she doesn't like him then he's out. She should be the barometer. Her little psyche is the most important thing!

I was a single mom for nine years. I dated off and on and I found that the best thing to do was to not even bring anyone I dated around my son. It just added confusion to his life. There was no reason he needed to know them if it wasn't serious; and the majority of dating relationships are not serious enough for marriage so they are not serious enough to bring a child into it. Kids have no idea who this man/woman is and why he/she is there. My son's emotional well-being was much more important than the convenience of having a boyfriend over when my son was home. It was hard, it was inconvenient but children bond quickly and when that person is removed it impacts them tremendously. They will grieve at the loss.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am very passionate about this subject.

Just my suggestion, but it may not be the best thing to bring around the guys you are dating until you know it will be a serious and committed relationship. For children, especially young ones, people coming in and out of their lives is a lot more stressful and traumatic than for adults. Children that young can't quite grasp the concept yet of "dating" and why people enter and leave their lives. Sometimes, this may end up causing questions in their minds as to whether or not it was their fault or something they did. I'm not suggesting that you don't have a life and stop dating or anything, but I would highly recommend that you keep the boyfriends away until the dating evolves into a more committed relationship.

Okay! Boy have you gotten it from both ends. You are a mom, but you are a woman also. So if you want to date then do it, but not with your 3 yr old. She could be trying to protect herself from the possibility of his leaving, or the possibility of not having all your attention, losing mommy to this person, OR she has a real bad feeling from this guy. You need to be very careful here. Where'd you meet him? Who does he hang around? What does he do when your not around? You can surly think of some other ones. These are all good questions for you to be asking yourself and him. Because as many of us know there are terrible predators out there and they know how to make people relax and comfortable around them. Predators don't look a certain way so that we can pick them out in a crowd. I'm not saying he is one, just keep your eyes and ears open and maybe trust your daughters 6th sense.

She could be acting that way and not wanting to get attached, for the fear he may not stick around. Kids are funny. They can sense good and bad in people. She could be telling you something about him or just like I said before acting out cuz she dont want to get attached.

Children have instincts like animals do...trust them. You are too close to the situation to see anything that would be negative with the boyfriend. I would cool it for a few weeks with him and see how your little girl behaves.

But I would have to trust my child's instinct at her age. Don't you find it odd that your past boyfriends did not bother her?

I think children are wonderful judges of character, so you might think about that. Especially if this is the first boyfriend that has not settled well with her...I would proceed with caution and trust your daughter. Good luck!

i agree with gale that probably she expects him to leave and is afraid of getting hurt - it's amazing what kids catch on to. they're smarter than we think sometimes! try not to beat yourself up over it - you have a right to a life too. but maybe since he's "fairly new" it might help your daughter if he didn't come to the house as much. i know it's hard - my mom went through it too, and she had two older boys at home so it was compounded by the "man of the house" syndrome too. try to take it slow for her sake - my personal motto is "everything on their schedule". just like with anything else - potty training, new foods, whatever...the more you can go by "when they're ready" the easier it will be for them. good luck!

T.,

I can't speak specifically about the b/f issue but I can share with you something I learned about my little one this year -- trust their instincts! My son had just turned 4 when I wanted to start a weekly evening class. It required having someone watch the kids for 12 consecutive weeks and I got the name of a babysitter from a friend. She was 18, and drove herself over and came from a nice, Christian home. She seemed pleasant and responsible, if a bit shy during our interview and I hired her.

My son was excited the first time she came over but as the weeks went by, he became more and more withdrawn. Finally after a month, the Tuesday morning after my class, he looked me dead in the eye and announced: "I don't like her." I was shocked! My son had never said anything like that before and I though it was a ploy to get me to stay home. I just explained that she was in charge and was nice and we all had to work at getting along.

Boy, was I wrong! 2 weeks later, the girl never showed up. She totally blew us off. When I asked what happened, she said she fell asleep. I was becoming uneasy, but didn't know of anyone else who could take over the job. The very next week, I tried repeatedly to call and confirm on that afternoon and I couldn't get ahold of her, so I called her mother. She was just arriving home from work and had no idea what was happening. The girl then called and told me she was staying at a friend's because her mother threw her out of the house.

After much discussion, it turns out the mother had grounded her because she kept sneaking out at night to be with "questionable friends," one of whom the girl talked with on the phone every night she was at my house. The girl decided to wait until her mother was gone and she packed up and ran away. If it hadn't been for me, the mother would have had no clue where her daughter was. I learned a few weeks later that the "friend" was in juvenile detention for running a drug-selling business out of her house.

I shudder every time I think of what I could have been exposing my two kids to with this dangerous person. It was humbling to me to think that my 4 year KNEW on an instinctive level that there was something wrong with this person and I ignored him. I'm not saying this is the case with your little girl, but I am encouraging you to look at her with new eyes and try to find out WHAT exactly is bothering her, rather than pushing her to accept him.

I hope this helps and I wish you good luck.
S.

Kids are pretty intuitive and sometimes sense/see things we don't as adults. So it could be that she is used to having you all to herself and feels threatened or it could be that she's subconsciously concerned about him and really feels unsafe. Maybe you could just meet him out without her to see if you really want the relationship to continue or not. Obviously she's uncomfortable and I think your kid comes 1st.

I've not had the experience of being a single mom who dates so I can imagine how hard it is but I'm speaking from the other side of the tracks because my mom was single for a time and dated while I was a little girl. Best wishes!

I'm not a single mom - so I may be way off...but, I would put the b/f on hold. Your daughter is telling you loud and clear that this is not a good situation for her. Your daughter must be your top priority. If you decide to continue in the relationship - I strongly suggest that you keep the men in your life completely separate from your daughter, until you know that this is a very long term or permanent relationship. The expense of a good babysitter is better than causing your daughter to stress.

She probably has a wall up. Just like we do when a man brakes our hearts. It is hard for a child to be open to new people in our lives when the old ones completely drop out. I can speak from experiance. I made that mistake, and it took a while for my son to get close to my husband. Respect her, let her have her space. I wouldn't include her with your b/f for a while. Let her make the pace, when she see's that he'll be around she'll be more open to him.

T.,

I too have been where you are now... a single parent trying to do the right thing for your child and yourself. It is hard starting over again and those who have been in these shoes can completely understand.

My son was 2 1/2 when I divorced and 3 when I began dating. It was a hard decision, but the right one to protect him by keep him in the "background" until I became serious with my b/f.

I don't agree with the others who say you should shut down and completely focus on your child. NOT that I'm saying your relationship with your daughter isn't important, but you shouldn't put your life on hold either. I'm sure that you're an intelligent person who can manage to make both relationships work.

I do agree with the others who say you should protect your daughter emotionally and possibly physically by keeping the men in your life out of your daughter's life. She is still too young to understand what is completely going on.

I introduced my son to my b/f after getting to know him and knew that I could trust that he would stay around for the long term.

Best to you in this delicate situation.

~~V.

Dear T.
Good Morning. I had a thought your daughter is probly
senseing that you are more comfortable with the guy you
are dating now and is afraid he will come between you
too. and so wwon't have mommy to her self. Kids have a
way of senseing things before we see it. Some how try to
talk to her so she can understand tht we are to be nice
to people and not be unkind. Try and have her help you make
her favorite meal or dessert when your boyfriend is coming
over to where she a part of it.
Have a great week. B. K.

I'm a single mom, too, so I am intrigued as to what others are saying. The one thing is that children are very intuitive. There may be a reason for it. Or maybe she still misses the last gentleman, or she is protecting herself from dealing with another loss. You obviously are sensitive to her feelings to see that she doesn't like this person. Have them not spend time together for awhile. If things continue to move positively for you and the beau, re-introduce them later.

I have a guy friend, that I see occassionally. He is from Atlanta. We are co-workers but work in different places now. We have been friends and co-workers for many years. We also have been involved on and off during this time. But we have never been a serious "couple". She is used to him being a part of my (our) life in this way. He calls her for her birthday and they will talk on the phone for a few minutes once every month or so. But if he and I were to become serious, I do not know how she would deal with this or how she would be with someone else "taking my attention" from her. Life has been this way for us since she was born.

I personally decided that if/when that time comes, if it is someone new, I am going to hold off in her spending any significant time with the individual until it is serious between he and I. However, I'm not going to act like he doesn't exist, as I do not want to spring him on her either. After I start to feel confident in the relationship, I will talk about him or maybe let her meet him (as my friend) for a short period of time a couple of times before they actually spend a longer period of time together.

All I can do is wish you luck! I certainly can understand and sympathize with you.

It is clear your daughter sees something you do not. Don't force this guy on her. Maybe you should think about not bringing men around her if you are going to date. Don't bring someone around until you are certian he is the one, otherwise you are just showing her a revolving door way of life. It is not healthy for her.

I would go with your daughter's instincts. Maybe there is more than meets the eye. You know, children and dog are usually creatures that can see through people and their intentions.

If she really does not like the man, and you want to make a family with him, you might be making a huge mistake. You must keep in mind your daughters happiness. I have seen families ripped apart by boyfriends and their mothers new husbands. The kids, especially the daughters, feel that their mothers are abandoning them for their own pleasure or happiness.

Don't ever let something as silly as a b/f come b/w you and your kid(s).

Good luck.

V.

Keep the guys away from your kid until it gets REALLY serious. I guess it's too late now, but from now on (assuming this one doesn't work out) I would not be introducing guy after guy into my kid's life. It's just too hard for kids to deal with that. Plus, if you're having all kinds of guys spending the night, it doesn't set a very good example, whether your child is a girl or a boy (I'm not saying you are, I don't know; but if that is the case, it is not good). If the guy is worth keeping, AT ALL, he will understand your position and respect your limits where your kid is concerned.

Unless you are engaged or close to it I don't know why you would have a man around your child. They do get attached to some and unless you know it is real serious (not sex) then I wouldn't involve the kids.

She feels something you don't. r u n

I have been a single mom for the last 12 years. Some hard times but my kids are healthy and happy 16 & 17 yr olds.

You've gotten great advice so far. I'd agree that it would be best to keep him at a distance until things progress further with you. It would still be hard for her it she then gets close and it doesn't work out, but you know how things go & how things sometimes just won't work. If you find that out before she meets someone, all the better. Then you're the stable thing in her life & she doesn't even have to know about others. This will be healthy for her too as she grows up and has to make her own choices.

If you're thinking that you'll be meeting someone who you'd like to settle down with, I'd introduce the two of them. But if you're in a time of your life where you're dating and not wanting to settle down, you may avoid having her meet future people at all. There's nothing wrong with just dating in my opinion....but she shouldn't be part of that. Too confusing. And, sad as it is to think about, keeping your daughter out of your relationship with someone new may help weed out a weirdo who is interested in the fact that you come with a daughter. Awful to think about, but necessary, I'm afraid.

Good luck to you. I know it's hard not to be able to have all parts of your life, each of which is important, fully interactive, but it doesn't sound like it's working for her....

G

Sounds like your little girl has been heartbroken one too many times for her liking. This may be why she is shutting down with the newest man in your life. She doesn't want to get attached to him for fear of him not sticking around like the others. She may come around if he stays around longer and she may not. This seems to be a defense mechanism for her. Explain to your b/f that it isn't necessarily him, but her way of not getting hurt. Keep dating him and bringing him around or go places together, the three of you. Eventually she may let her guard down and get to know him. Just know that if you break if off with him (or vice versa) then your daughter may do the same with the next man. What she is doing is very normal. Good Luck and God Bless.

Just remember, she is your first and most important responsibility. There has to be a reason. Maybe you should back off for a while and see if she talks to you.
I would not move forward in this relationship if she is not comfortable.
Good luck and God Bless
C.

I am the child of divorced parents who dated, and I do have divorced friends that are dating. I have learned through my own experiences and those of family and friends that it is better not to bring the boyfriend around right away. Give it time. Get to know the person. Establish a relationship with the two of you before you bring anyone else into the equation. While I agree that he will need to build a special bond with your child and that for the long haul you are all in this together, you are not at this point yet. Don't rush it. Trust me. Take some time. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Tiny children can be VERY perspective. Take her feeling seriously, please. You may be glad you did.

Your daughter is reacting in this manner because she is tired of being hurt. She learns to trust the men and then they are gone from her life so she figures it is better to avoid attachment than to get hurt once again.
I would strongly advise giving her time and allowing her the space. If the relationship becomes serious, then you can begin to try to get the two of them to spend some time together at the park, playing a board game, etc, but do not push it. She has to learn to warm up again. She has had her heart broken and her trust broken too many times.
Also, if the current relationship does not work out, then do not introduce any future boyfriends until the relationship is a very committed one (preferably permanent), so that she can learn to trust and love him just as you do.
Good luck and be patient. She is only three. She will come around with time. Best Wishes! Kati

T. I compleatly understand where you are comming from, as i am also in your shoes. To those women who are incouraging you to not date and give your whole life to your child, in my experiance I have noticed most of these women are in fulfilling marriages and have thier husbands there for helpand incouragement and none of them are alone at night or with out other adult companionship. It is very easy for others to judge when they have never lived throught it. I would say to be very careful who you allow around your babies and to give it time. Try to spend the most of your tiem with him out on a date or wait until your daughter goes to sleep. ( I usually have to wait until they are sleeping because my ex-husband lives out of state, so it is just me and the babies all the time.) After you are very sure that you care a great deal for this person, then i woudl say introduce her to hm while you are all out doing something fun ie: park, zoo, ect. Things are hard when you are by yourself butyou will make it and be happy in the end.....

You've gotten good advice. Of course, you want to date, but in this day and age (boy do I sound like a grandma, which is okay, I am one) I think its important that you be very careful about who you let around your daughter. I would hooe that you don't leave her alone with your dates. Its sad but there are too many creepy people out there. I would guard her carefully and since she won't have anything to do with him, I would look further into that before I saw him again.

Unfortuately there are those men who court a woman to get at her children. They can be very charming and too many woman want to be with someone so badly that they don't trust their own instincts.

well, it's obvious that she has learned that if she gets attached, they end up leaving her. So why does she want to set herself up for that pain again. So she's using her coping mechanisms to protect her feelings. Kids are very very smart and they have feelings. I personally can't understand why you would subject your daughter to this. You say there haven't been many men around, but a few is more than enough, especially with her being so young. I can't imagine where you find the time to even entertain the thought of dating, when your focus could be more on building your relationship with your precious daughter. If you just can't stand being without a man, then at least leave her out of it, and date him away from the home, until you're sure this one is THE one and there will be a committment of some sort. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I have a younger sis and a niece, and this has been played out, and they both have daughters. I think it sends the wrong message to our daughters to bring different men around them. Time spent with a man is being taken from the time that should be spent with taking care of and making lasting memories for your daughter. You'll have time to date and play house later, but this time with her is precious.

I am a single mom also, I went through the pregnancy on my own and everything. When I was pregnant I made the decision to wait to date until my child was older, and just devote all my time to her. I did start dating when she was about three and a half, as she was gaining some independance. I did not involve her in my dating AT ALL. I dated when she was a t my mom's house, or when she finally started spending time with her father. I didn't want her to get attached and then the guys just disappear. I went on some dates with guys who would say, "I don't mind if you bring your daughter" but that wasn't the point, and it shouldn't be the point. It doesn't matter if the guy your dating is comfortable with your daughter, it matters if I'm comfortable with my daughter meeting this guy, and if she's comfortable with the situation, which it sounds like your daughter is not. Luckily I met a great guy, after meeting a couple not so great guys, who I've been dating for almost five years, and he loves my daughter, my daughter loves him. But he knows he has a responsibility to her, as well as to me, it's part of the package, and if we ever broke up, he would remain in her life. My advice to you, would be to get a babysitter, and to not involve your daughter in your dating life, not that you do, but at first, try to only have them around each other for short periods of time, doing things that she enjoys. If she was attached to these other people, she needs to get used to the new situation. Dating is hard when you're an adult, imagine being involved in the process when you're so young.

Please be very cautious in this situation. Talk to your daughter, even though she is so small you can still let her know that you love her and that she can tell you anything and you won't be mad at her (and of course that means you've got to stick with that!) Some guys are not nice to children when mom is not there. Hopefully that is not the reason that your daughter doesn't like him but I'm sure she has a very real reason for her not liking him--even if it is just that she is jealous and misses her "mommy" time.

You mentioned that your daughter had been attached to other men in your relationships in the past, again please use caution for your daughter's sake. The break up of a "family" has such serious emotional affects on children. My advice would be to avoid bringing any guy home at all until you are sure this is going to be a "forever" relationship.

God Bless

I too have been (and still are) in your shoes. All though unless it's REALLY serious, I don't introduce somebody I'm dating to my kids, for that fact, they get attached. My son is 7.5 and STILL remembers the guy I was engaged to when he was 2.5. Unless you and this guy are serious, and HE'S willing to work with you to get to know your daughter, DON'T bring him around her! Obviously she doesn't like him! That has to tell you something?! If it does end up being serious, then slowly introduce them again later on, take her to do activites she enjoys, with him tagging along. The one thing about being a single Mom dating, is you HAVE to keep in mind your child, and how it's going to effect them IF it doesn't work out! Otherwise, they'll will be just as heartbroken as you! Good Luck, and I hope they eventaully become friends if you all are serious...
P.S. I'm not trying to be mean, or criticize you, just offering advice from my experiences...

If you daughter doesn't like him, then quit seeing him. Your daughter comes first. You should also not bring men around your daughter unless you believe the relationship is going to stick. She is probably afraid of getting attached and then be hurt in the end because he will end up leaving.

T., Hi I so know where you are coming from on this. My oldest did the same thing around the age two when I started dating again, and saw two others leave b/4 the third showed some interest and wanted to stick around. He threw things at him, hide in his room tell he leaved. One day I finale just told my then b/f we needed to do something out side of the house let them know they realy like the child. It being nice weather make a trip to the zoo, chucky cheese, let her see that he wants to spend time with her as well. My oldest still to this day will block out my b/f's he did the one I have been w/ now for over a yr tell just recently cause he started shown more interest in the kids and spending more time w/ them. And I know my b/f now has no kids, does yours? Cause kids seem to sense that I think, they can tell if the person is a parent or even used to being around them.
But I will quit bla bla I hope things work out just try to get him to do more things out side of the house, with both you and let him push her in the stroller or swing. Gosh I hope it works keep me in touch holler any time.
Manda

Your daughter may not accept him because she may feel that he will leave like everyone else. Maybe you should wait a while before you introduce her to the men you date. Make sure that it seems to be long term so she won't see different men in and out of your life. Trust me she will notice the pattern and it will have an effect on her.