Daddy/Daughter Issues!

My kids get this way sometimes with my twin sister. She wants to give hugs and kisses, and they don't want any of it. Then she gets her feelings hurt and its a big mess. You are not alone. I stand by my kids. I tell her, that they are trying to tell you something and you are not listening. Don't force them to do something. At the same time though, I don't let them run and hide behind me.

What usually works for us is for her to walk in the room, say hi, and then ask for hugs, kisses, whatever. If they say no, its dropped. If they say no, usually after a few minutes, they will come over and hang out with her. It HAS to be on their terms.
Good luck.
M.

My husband has always whished our daughter was daddy's little girl. He too worked late and was not home very much when she was little. She has always come to me for most of her comfort, especailly when she was younger. Emma has always been pretty independent so she got affection on her own terms...even from me as she got older. She is now 4 and even today if you try to hold her when she is not ready she will wiggle away. She does go to daddy more now than she used to. Hopefully your hubby will let her start cominging to him instead of insiting on holding her. I fear that if he keeps forcing her to be held she will not grow any closer to him and actually start to try to aviod contact with him more. My hubby was good about letting our daughter come up to him, no matter how much he wanted to hold her. He would try to play something with her she enjoyed...he would do airplane...she also loved to be tickled.

Good Luck!

I am sorry, but your husband sounds like an abuser. It does not show much good about his parenting skills nor his husbanding that he is behaving so poorly and selfishly. The fact that he never gets to see his daughter should make him defer to your judgement more, not prompt this petulent behavior. There could be serious emotional damage being done here, and if he's numb to that, he may need a jolt from you to realize it. If he doesn't care .... well, I'd say that's not much of a father.

On a nicer side? If physical contact is something he's feeling lacking in, perhaps *you* can cuddle him more? You say you have another little girl on the way, so I assume you are at least in your second trimester. Has this pregnancy made you tired and less physical with your husband? Perhaps he's feeling the deficit and not self-aware enough to realize why. We all crave human contact.

Not to alarm you, but if your daughter does not seem to crace human contact, that may be an issue. My son at 16 months old did not like to sit down and be held for long. He didn't seem cuddly, and I thought he was just far too active to want to sit still. At 19 months old, he was diagnosed with Autism. Since then, it's been much easier to get people to back off and let him have the space he seems to want. For that, I am grateful for the diagnosis. It is like a big shield I wield to get people to back off from my kid when he's feeling overwhelmed. I am not saying your daughter is autistic, but that perhaps mentioning this behavior to the pediatrician would help lead to a means of shielding your daughter from this behavior as well. Good luck, and I hope your husband does better.

Sounds like your little girl is not the only toddler in the house. I'm sorry to be so blunt and to offend, but your husband is acting like a complete child. It sounds like he has security issues. My son is very independent and always has been and I felt kind of hurt about it in the beginning, but I let him be hisself and now he is almost 3 and he will sometimes hug me/kiss me or sit in my lap and be affectionate without me prompting him. I have not always been able to be around him a lot as he has been growing up, in fact my husband has spent more time with him than I have. Your husband needs to learn to be patient, all children need patience. It is not a good idea to force a child to be affectionate at such a young age. It could possibly cause her to grow up and either demand affection from others or only feel comfortable with affection from others when it feels forced to her, and not mutual. I am not saying she would seek out this kind of behavior in a partner, but deep down inside that may be all she feels comfortable with. A father plays a very important role in a daughter's life. It is the kind of behavior he models that usually influenceswhat she may one day seek in a partner. He should allow her that freedom and independence and allow her to feel comfortable, instead of being selfish and only seeking what he wants. I am not sure what you should do to get that through to him. I can tell you my Mom was in a pretty unhealthy relationship with my stepfather for several years. He ran the house and it was his way or the highway and she allowed him to rule everything. It was only years later that we saw the damage that he had done, not just to her but to her children as well (his too for that matter, they had 2 together). She did not stand up to him and put her foot down as she should have. I do not hope to cause any problems in your marriage, but if your husband continues to act as stubbornly, it will be up to you to decide if you will put your foot down or not. God bless.

It doesn't work to say play first to make friends, then cuddle? Rats. Does he dance with her to music? Some girls love to be carried, twirled, and dipped to music as one way to be held... Does reverse psycology work? My daughter would never let even me give her a good-night kiss before bed until I started giving toys good-night kisses instead of her. Maybe he could pick up a doll, dance with it, give it hugs, say what a good daughter it is, tell it he loves it and carry it around. Even if this last idea doesn't make your daughter beg to be picked up, it might at least be amusing for you to watch... :) You could also work on the kid-side of things, pretend with your daughter that a teddy bear is a daddy and play a game of sneaking up and giving it a hug, and making the teddy bear laugh and smile, etc.

My son went through a phase where he absolutely HAD to be on my lap or in my arms no matter what. There was Mama and everyone else was NOT the Mama. He'd accept Daddy over anyone else if I was not available, but the minute I walked into the room he'd lunge in my direction and it would be hard work making sure he wouldn't fall out of Daddy's arms. The phase passed. Before you knew it, he was Daddy's little helper and going for horsey rides on Daddy's back and really enjoyed looking at firetrucks with Dad on firehouse open house days. It's frustrating for your husband right now, but it will pass and he shouldn't try to force it. Your daughter will warm up to him. Maybe he could try by starting to play something she enjoys that she could join in when she's ready. She might be clinging to you now especially because she senses a sibling is on the way.

Who is the toddler here, your daughter or your husband? He is supposed to be a grown up, meaning he's supposed to know that what he WANTS isn't always what he's going to get. Your daughter can't be expected to know this yet of course. So the situation is he WANTS to hold her, she WANTS to get down. The logical thing here of course is that he put her down and find some other way to spend time with her. I can't believe that he won't listen to this. It seems like common sense to me. You might let him know what the long term consequences of his behavior are. You already have an example. Already he's driven her to not want to go to him because she knows he'll restrain her. Since you have another one on the way, maybe suggest to him that he stop trying to hold your daughter and just wait until the new one is born. He can hold the baby all he'd like and in fact you should really encourage this because it'll make things easier on you. I'd also be willing to bet that when your daughter sees him holding the baby so much, she'll have a change of heart and want him to hold her too.

I am 100% in support of your earlier Responses. They gave you great information.
You are your daughter's only advocate now. If you protect her from unwanted "touching" IN your house, it will help her protect herself from unwanted touching outside her home and getting older. Let her know (when she comes to you) she is protecting her "personal space" and you want to help her (this will help her trust her own 'instincts'). If your husband argues with you about it, You stay calm and tell him you will protect your daughter's right to say "no" when it deals with personal space. Remember, YOU are the ONLY adult present at this moment!
When you and your husband can talk (daughter not present), tell him about setting up a plan of "asking for a hug, (see the Response about the twin sister) or to hold her while reading a book to her- or her "reading" a book to him, (brainstorm together what ways to be together that will help) and work with the adult part of your husband to "see" the situation (like the warnings given in previous Responses like how she'll treat her baby sister). Once "no" is accepted (give it days or weeks, or however long he's been forcing her to cuddle), she'll begin to stop running. If he asks you to support him, let him know you can support his appropriate adult behavior, like when he....
What you said to him in your request was right on the mark: he needs to play with her - next to her= and slowly relate. Find a counselor for you (Invite him to join you, so you may work together, but don't wait for him, he sounds really busy-) Offer to share what you learn about parenting and relationships if your go alone - keep him in the loop. If his work place is as dysfunctional as my husband's, it'll be really hard for him to relax his control right away.
If you can have a place to feel "grounded" (like with a professional who can keep you in touch with your goals in the family, and skills on how to avoid "enabling" any inappropriate childish behavior), then you'll model a safe family home for your family to embrace.
A word about counselors: my experience is that for every 5 counselors you see, 2 might meet your needs and style of learning. It's up to you to know if, in one or two sessions, you've strengthened who you are, or diminished your internal voice. Based on your solution to your husband written in your request, you can trust your inner voice. The right "coach" will help you respond to that voice at home, before it gets to the point of your daughter needing to run away. Instead, it will be at the point she first spoke for herself and said, "no" back in the beginning.
A word of warning, I don't know your situation, but worst-case scenario might be he puts all his energy in the second daughter's cuddling and gives the first daughter the insecure message she "missed her chance to be loved by him", now he can say, "no!" to her, and still get his cuddling fix... SO ACT NOW.

maybe you should adjust your scheduals to his. wake up when he does and go to bed when he does so that you and your daughter see him more.

one thing he could try is being the tickle monster or say i'm gonnnnnaaaa geeeetttt yyyyoooouuuuu all silly like and run at her like he's crazy. this way its a game to her and when he finally gets her he can hold her just long enough to where she thinks its part of the game.

This is a tough one as I have a 16 month old little girl too. My in-laws get terriably offended if my daughter doesn't go to them immediately. I finially just said you can't be all over her the minute you walk in the door and smother her with kisses and hugs. It is so consistent with this age to be very strange around certain people (sorry I know it's your husband)and I feel if he got on the floor and played blocks or read her a book she would warm up.
Usually by the end of my in-laws visits my daughter has warmed up but it takes a while. They are very much into the "stranger danger" thing at this age. I have the same thing with my daughter sometimes only want ingto go to me. I think you've just have to tell your husband to back off on this and that he's better off not to make a production out of walking into the door. Kids get scared it's alot of commotion when she's probably use to a quiet house.
Like you said 16 month olds don't want to be held at all they are too busy and indepedant.

It sounds like you are trying your best to guide him in how to respond to her, but he is not listening (to you or her). I am not sure how to solve this, but her avoidance of him is a natural outcome of his insisting to hold her. At some point, maybe he will realize his approach is not working and change it. Unless he is physically hurting her when he holds her, I would stay out of it and let the two of them work it out. Good Luck.