Dad Has Custody of Daughter and I Have Visitation a Week a Month

As someone who has (reluctantly) practiced family law, I can say with absolute certainty that the courts do not arbitrarily give custody to one parent when the other parent (particularly the mother) fights it unless there is a basis for doing so. For extremely young children overnight visits are not the norm. For slightly older (school age) children who are extremely bonded with both parents, 50/50 custody is more common because, as you are seeing, three weeks with one parent followed by one week with the other parent is WAY too disruptive for a young child. Your custody situation absolutely baffles me but I have no doubt that this is a significant factor - as is the underlying issues that resulted in this bizarre custody arrangement. I'd recommend the parenting classes and therapy that another poster mentioned - and maybe a consultation with a lawyer to try to straighten out the custody mess to try to give this poor little girl a more stable situation.

A.,

I have a home preschool. I am chasing 8 children at a time. I will tell you what works for me...since I see all sorts of interesting behavior caring for children from 8 different families.

1. Install locks on all exterior doors that she can't open. They can even be temporary fixes, once she realizes the door won't open...she will move onto another way to get your attention.

2. Install gates preventing access to the living room (if possible). Gates are a visual reminder about the rules of that room. If that won't feasibly work, gate the kitchen or source of the food. This will corral her in...until she understands the limits. The gates can come down after she realizes eating happens in the kitchen. If she leaves the table and eats on the run, remind her that eating happens at the table...and remove the uneaten food. She will learn quickly, that if she wants to eat it she must stay.

3. If she won't eat...tie this to some activity she enjoys. For example, if she would like to watch a show, she must eat her meal first...and show comes second. You can use any activity she enjoys or even certain toys...you decide the rules, and she will learn what she needs to do to get what she wants.

4. For bedtime, I would install a gate in her doorway. She goes to her room at a specified time. Gate is closed. She may pitch a fit for a few days, but she will soon come to learn that bedtime means room time, even if she doesn't choose to crawl into bed and go to sleep. We did this with my third child...it got to the point that we had her trained to go into her room, look at books, etc. and then turn out her reading light when she was tired. We always left a bright hallway light on until we went to bed.

If you have other specific questions, let's hear them!
T.

PS. The trick to parenting this age of child is to be firm and consistent. If you aren't consistent about what your rules are...they will instantly take advantage of that. Also, schedule really mommy and daughter time...I am sure being away for 3 weeks at a time, leaves you needing to reconnect...and in a position to want to spoil her. Firmness doesn't need to be mean in any way...you attitude should be...these are my rules, and I love you, and for us to get along we will work toward following these basic rules. That's it. No regrets. She will need to follow rules in school, what better place to practice them than at home. Also, a great way to empower her
is to give her responsibilities, like making the food together...this has always helped me to get kids to eat!

Everyone had great words of wisdom for you! Particularly Jerri, who already said everything I would. From a fellow shared-custody standpoint, this is definitely challenging...but not impossible! I have had stepkids from ages 3 & 4, and now 11 & 13. If you set the ground rules now, she will understand how your house works as she gets older. Our situation is that we have rules, mom does not (and is not interested in coming up with a united front for both parents to present to kids). So we had to make it very clear that "different houses have different rules" and you will obey ours while you are in our home. This has worked fairly well. We have had to repeat it many times over the years. Set the expectations and be consistent with follow-through of consequences. If she does not want to eat, then she does not get to until the next meal (this is a rule for our own children as well as stepkids, and you eat what is served to the entire family, not something special - I am not a short-order cook!) I would get her into helping you prepare meals, choose foods at the store, and browse cookbooks to select recipes she can help make. Also, the bedtime routine. I work at home, often evenings - so bedtime is tough for us. When I make a distinct effort to do bedtime routines, everything goes so much smoother! This means a regular set bedtime of 8pm, and I will start teling them at 7pm, "one hour til bedtime", "45 minutes til bedtime", etc. to help them wind down. It also means a toothbrushing/potty time, storytime, tuck-in, butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, lights turned down low for 15 minutes, then out completely. So we wind them down slowly. If I do NOT do this, they do NOT go to sleep, there are temper tantrums, etc.

A rewards chart for this age (at both homes if you can) is also useful (you brush your teeth - you get a star, you clear your place from the table - you get a star) which did work wonderfully for my stepkids as well. I have posted job lists and lists of what is expected (treat others with respect, obey your parents, no lying) from day 1 with my stepkids. They are well trained by this age, but before they were very old (even old enough to read), they also responded well because they KNEW that there was a written list. This seemed to be like the word of God in their minds and they never questioned it.

Also make time for fun. Simple things like cooking together, walks, time at the park...this is what she will remember when she gets older.

I will keep you in my prayers. If you can talk to Dad, try to present a united front. It is definitely easier! I would love to hear how this works out after a few months. Keep us updated!

A.,
Your daughter is so young to not have discipline at her dads house. That is shocking. I have a son who is going to be 5 in just a few days. He too tries to "rule the roost" so to speak. I have been so sick of it that I started setting rules. I used to let him do what he wanted and now I don't. If he doesn't like what I make for him to eat, I ask him what he wants and I get that for him. If he doesn't want anything or gets nasty I don't waste my time. I make something for me and he usually becomes interested, has a taste and shares it with me. The only reason I do this for him is so that he eats something. I don't believe in the philosophy that children will eat what you give them when they are hungry. That is such a farce! (It never worked for me when. Believe me I have spent many hours at the dinner table with cold food on my plate.)
It seems to me that the lack of discipline from her dad is causing a problem. If the two of you communicate, set up a meeting, just you and him, to set some guidelines for your daughter, that would help. Having consistency in both households is crucial.
My husband works swing shift so I am a single mom all week long to our two boys, 5 & 7yrs. On the weekends he is home. Our methods of discipline were completely different and our boys were getting mixed messages. Recently I realized this and had to speak with my husband about having clear rules and consequences for not following the rules. Our boys love video games and TV. The solution was two hours of combined video games and TV, no exceptions, not even weekends. Once their two hours are up, they get no more. This weekend was pure Hell as well as today since our older son used to play his Nintendo DS all the time and on the bus. Making a poor choice this weekend resulted in it being taken away. Punishment for making poor or bad choices is video games gone for one week. Making good choices is rewarded with praise, hugs and high fives only. I don't give treats or toys for making good choices, only praise. It saves you from going broke.
If you and your ex can't communicate then, set rules for your home and gradually ease her into them.
Don't let food be an issue. Find out what she likes and get those "special" foods for her, even if it's macaroni and cheese for every meal. Find healthy snacks that she can eat when she wants, like NutruPals. Don't make her stick to celery and carrots, that just sucks when you're a kid. Trust me, from experience, it does.
Put a slide bolt on the top of the front door so she can't walk out the door put locks on backyard gates that she can't get to.
Play games, dress up or dolls with her. Take her to the park or Chuck E. Cheese. Enjoy your visit. You only have her for one week, I don't think modifying or bending your rules slightly for her is too much to ask. Allow her to enjoy time with you and your husband so that she will continue to want to visit instead of dread it, like I did as a child.
I hated going to visit my mom and step dad so much that I would throw up and run a fever everytime I visited her. What a great memory for both of us. (We have an excellent relationship now, and my dad never talked bad about my mom to me.)
No matter what your ex and his family tell her about you, if you continue to have great visits with her, she will make up her mind for herself that you are not the person they make you out to be and love you for being a great mom.
One last thing, when our boys are being bad, we say they are being a "Stinky Pete". (From Toy Story) They understand that they have made a poor choice. They use this phrase too about us and others. It is a kind phrase that isn't name calling. It lets us know we have made a poor choice, yet we still love each other.
Take care. - A.

Your daughter is seeking boundaries.
I hope you talk to the father. She needs you both on the same page. Make clear boundaries for her. Children also seek any kind of attention, good or bad. So try 'catching her being good'. Meaning when she's doing something good, praise her for it. Try getting her involved with chores, my 5 and 2 year old love helping with the laundry. I also got a broom thier size, they love it, those kinds of things. Do girly things with her, painting nails, etc. Find her an outlet for her frustrations, like coloring, or playdough, I have a cabinet just for art supplies, maybe even a rubbermaid container just for her stuff, does she have her own room? She may feel out of sorts when she's at your home. Talk to the preschool teacher, they work with children for a living. They can be very helpful!

Read DARE TO DISCIPLINE by Jacobson immediately before your problems get any worse. It has changed my life, and that of my 3 year old and the rest of our family. Children NEED boundaries so they feel secure, learn to be respectful, and don't become self centered. Since she behaves well at preschool, but not at home, she is obviously very smart and is "working" the system. You need to show her how much you love her by being a good leader and giving her consistent discipline. If you don't make any changes, then you will be doing a disservice for your sweet little girl. I was afraid to be what I thought was harsh with my son. But when I started showing authority, it was amazing how quickly he responded in a positive manner. His outbursts and tantrums are at a minimum, and I'm not even half way through the book. Good luck!

What type of behavior is she showing that you fell like you constanlty need to be disciplining her for? That might help people respond a bit more to your question...

Find just one or two big rules to enforce and let those be what she learns at your house. No eating in the living room. Eating at the table together. Be with her whether it is a snack or breakfast. Drink something if you are not eating. Make it a talking time or a time you read to her. Put some reward in the rule.
Bedtimes should be pleasent. Give her a bath with relaxing herbs in it like rosemary and linden flowers so she is ready for bed. Read or sing her to sleep.
You will have less discipline to do if you don't try to do it all at once and you make the rules work with time spend together as the goal.
You only have her one week a month so devote that week to her.

L.

You haven't provided enough information. How old is she? Why do you not have custody of your daughter? What type of behavior is she engaged in? How does she react/respond around your husband? How does she behave when she's at home with her father? Assuming she is school age, how does she behave in school? What kind of grades is she getting?

I would recommend a parenting class and/or a coaching session with a parent educator (to help you learn how to set and enforce appropriate rules and boundaries) and probably recommend family counseling for the two of you.

It's never too late for parenting classes! You both share a common interest, your daughter, and you both want the best for her. You will all benefit from the lessons learned (setting boundaries, communication, etc.) I highly recommend the books or videos of Parenting with Love & Logic by Drs. Klein & Fay. A lot of churches hold their classes. I started using the examples when my son was three, and they worked! Now ,I'm reading Parenting Teens with Love & Logic. Children feel they are safe & loved if you love them enough to set boundaries.

If you and dad are on speaking terms, I would absolutely put your heads together to come up with a united front. It is the best thing for you and your daughter. Then, as soon as she steps in your door, have a sit down chat with her. I would let her know of your plan for the evening and following days so that she has lots of warning as far as what she will be doing. I would also set very clear boundries. When you eat, eat together and in the dining room. Keep her in your sight for the first day or so, so that she knows you are watching her. My number one advice, is to work really really hard at forming a strong relationship with her. Like Super Nanny Jo said last week, " get on the floor and be silly together." Without a relationship, it is impossible to have the trust to discipline! Good luck!

A.,

First I will keep you in my prayers cuz a custody situation can't be easy! When your daughter is with her dad does she do these same things?? Has she bonded with your new husband? She is only 4 so you still have time to break the cycle. When she is at your home what are things she likes to do??

As far as the bad behavior she is just trying to get your attention in anyway that she can. So as far as going outside without permission, put chain locks on the door that she can not reach then she can't just go out. Eating in the living room, why is this not permitted?? I am guessing that maybe dad lets her. What about if one night a week and make a big deal out of it that everyone eats in the living room or the family room. Just one night and make it a fun happy meal. then the rest of the time it is the dinning room. Maybe even make a tent with tables and chairs and blankets and eat in there. maybe reward the positive things big time and give her more attention when she does the good. Remember who the adult is but love her, never stop loving her. That is what she really wants. She is angry because her mommy and daddy are not living together. She is confused and maybe might feel rejected or like it is her fault. Set the rules and stick with them, but be flexible and make things fun. You don't know what dad or dad's family are telling her.

If it continues counceling might be where you need to look. Does she have a pet?? Maybe getting her a kitten or puppy. They are a great source of unconditional love!!

Good luck and let me know how things progress!!

L.

By 4 years old, your daughter is old enough to understand that there are different rules at different places, and she is old enough to obey them. She shows you this by behaving at preschool. The reason she does it because preschool has concrete rules that she easily understands and there are consistent consequences for not following them.
I recommend you come up with the 5 most important rules for your house that she is having trouble following. Find a coloring picture online to represent each rule. For example, find a coloring page of a family eating at the table, a child in bed, etc. Write the rule on each page and let her help color them. Explain to her that these are the rules at mommy’s house (for everyone). Tape them up on the wall where she can easily see them (but maybe not reach them) and refer to them often. “Does the little girl in the picture look like she is throwing a fit about going to bed?” or “Where is the little girl in this picture sitting to eat?” Let her help you enforce the rules and maybe even break one or two so she can correct you. Have another picture of what the consequences will be for breaking a rule, and draw a big red X or circle with a slash through it on that picture to show it is the naughty picture. A child in time out, or whatever your family’s discipline is. Tell her that this will be the punishment for disobeying one of the family rules and stick with it! Even if you really need her to get into bed because it is late, remove her from wherever he bedtime protest is going on and give her 4 minutes in the naughty spot. Try to stay calm and blame the discipline on the family rules and her choice to break them… as if you have no choice in punishing her.
In time, if you are consistent, she will come to understand she does not run your house like she does Daddy’s and she will follow the rules.

It may seem hard now, but the structure and discipline will help in the long run. Kids thrive on routines. Having boundaries makes them feel safe. Just balance out the discipline with love and positive attention. Keep the lines of communication open. Know you are doing the right thing for her future. Research has shown that girls succeed later in life when they have had strong guidance.

Have you talked to her preschool teacher? That's a good place to start. Developing a relationship with her would be a very good idea. See if the two of you can put your heads together to see if there are any differences in her behavior at school when she is with you versus when she is with her dad (even if her behavior is "good" there will probably still be differences). Also, find out if there are "pay attention" and "ask permission" and "where to eat" rules and how the teacher words them. Then use the same wording in your home. Consistency between school and your house, even if it doesn't maintain when she's with her dad, will help alot.

Developing that strong, clear communication with her preschool may also help you down the road if you go back to court over custody.