Crying/whining Behavior and How to Minimize/help It

If everything you have try fiales than you may just have to put her in her room and let her cry until she stop. When she see that you are ignoring that behavior she will finally close her mouth because she see that you have had enough and will not tolerate the crying anymore.

Mine did that for a little while. Man, is that maddening!

I told mine that it was okay to feel frustrated or sad and that a good way of dealing with those feelings was to do something about it if possible -- to make the best of whatever the situation was (learn to mix red with the pink for a darker color, for example). She could talk to me and ask if there might be a solution we could come up with together but sometimes (like landscapers moving on to the next job), things just are.

If she was unable to get a grip, I'd take her to her room and tell her that she could come back out and join us when she felt better. Then I told her I loved her and was hoping to see her soon and walked out shutting the door behind me.

It worked well for us. I think part of the fit is for attention and when we take away the "reward" of attention, the fit gets less worth it.

Good luck!

I hate to say it but...no attention whatsoever for that behavior. Say, " I can't understand you when you whine. Use your words. If you can't, stay in your room until you can communicate nicely." and, most importantly, no exceptions.No attention at all when she is doing it, bad or good.She has to know you will not say fine and cave to get her to stop. After a while of it not benefitting her hopefully she'll get with the program. I have identical twin girls that are now 9 that I dealt with that way and it worked well.

K.:
I would have what I call a whiny baby for a son. He is 5 1/2 and it probably hit its peak around 4. I actually asked out Children's minister at church what to do. He was always crying when he would get "hurt" playing soccer, with other kids, etc. She told me point blank that it was 100% my reaction to his "hurt" that was his "benefit" to use a dr phil term. She said I had to change my response to his crying and whining. Well, at first I was not real happy with hearing "this was my fault" which it is not, but it perpetuates the negative behavior. As soon as I could wrap my head around that I could proceed. That said, I have seen GREAT improvement in his crying and whining (not gone 100%) but SO much better. I did not hug and coddle him after every little ouch, I sternly said. Are you hurt, Do we need to leave? If we were at a soccer game or friends, this worked great, as he was not really hurt and did not want to leave. If we were at home, I would ask either Do we need to go to the Dr and get a shot? or do we need to go to the hospital? without all the hugging and coddling and positive attention. Just a void tone of "blah" really made a difference. I noticed this year playing basketball in our church league another mom was dealing with a HUGE whiny baby for son (both of us with our 1st child had this issue) She asked me how my son responds to the calm voice I use, etc. I had to laugh, as my son was almost as bad as hers the year before. I told her what the minister said (she was a little taken aback as I was) and she said she was going to give it a try. It comes down to they get some payout (dr phil again) by acting that way, and the only reasonable payout is our reaction. I used to hug/snuggle and coo at him when he was "hurt", this makes him feel safe/loved etc...so he would do it all the time. Now, with the calm Do we need to leave? I don't get that reaction anymore. When I tried the "you are too old to be acting like this" or "your friends are going to think you are a baby" that did not work at ALL! Just give the non-reaction a try and see if you don't have a change...it does not happen over night, but we have had long term benefits for sure. Best of Luck. Have a great day.
C. in Alpharetta

I have a four year old daughter, who, on occasion tries that. She started a long time ago. I think she likes to test the waters, to see if I will let her get away with it, every now and again. I just let her know that we use words, not sounds. If she doesn't use words, I either put her in time out, or tell her that she will have to go whine in her room. When she is ready to speak, she can come out, and we will continue doing what we were doing. I think that is what some of the other advise was pointing to: Don't reward whiny behavior, with attention.

I would not ignore this behavior because if you do she will embarass you when you are out in public! You need to stand firm and tell her face to face on her level that that kind of behavior is not exceptable AT ALL. You need to get down and make eye contact with her and say with a very firm voice that she is not to act this way because you don't like it. If she continues to do it when you get home or if you are home give her whatever punishment you do. Many people don't believe in spanking but the bible says you spare the rod you spoil the child!! But if you do timeout then fine, but let her know you will not put up with it because when you are out in public it is bound to happen and just like you don't want to listen to it others in public don't either! If you don't get her to understand this now she will run your life forever. You have to let them know when they are young that you are the parent and they are the child and you are to teach them not them run you.

I can relate, I have 3 girls 8, 4 and 3 yrs. old and I know exactly how you feel, but hang in there very soon she'll stop.

I always tell my daughters to use their words, that there is not reason for the whinning or crying.

It's get better when they have more vocabulary and express their self with words and not crying.

Be sure she got enough to sleep, some time they cry for everything when they are very tired.

Good Luck and pray God to help you with this issue, for him nothing is imposible and he can make your daughter stop crying.

I completely agree with Barb E below. We do the same and it works pretty well. If they say anything with a whine, you tell them that you don't understand whining and they do not get what they want when whining. Crying, unless they got hurt, gets them sent to their room until they stop- no toys, tv, etc. It will take some time, but it will get better. Have a relaxing weekend!

There are some pretty good responses here. I also have a whiny four year old. She's pretty good most of the time, however she does have her whining jags. I just tell her that when she is ready to get her self control back and talk, then I'll listen. Sometimes she can't do it where she is so I have to put her in her room to get her self control back. Sometimes this makes her lose all control and she starts repeating a "mantra" of one sentence. But she's not allowed out until she can get her self control back. On some of these occasions she falls asleep. This is a child who won't take a nap if you tell her to, but she still obviously needs one some days since she does pass out rather hard. This could be a possibility with your child. She may just be tired but thinks she is too big to nap anymore. And I hate to say it but if she does it in public, the best advice is to put down your stuff and leave. You can likely return to the store and do your shopping later (I know sometimes you can't and in that case move to check out with only what you absolutely need asap) either without her or when she has more self control. Great idea to not give her a reaction because this just perpetuates it.

Hi K.,

You might try just ignoring her when she does it. You are giving her attention which is probably what she wants. Even though you are trying to distract her or change the subject, to her that is attention.

I have a 4 year old too. And when he was about 3 1/2 he started that same kind of behavior. What seemed to work for me was simply ignoring it. If he was upset about something that we could not control, I would explain it to him and then stop talking about it. I also made an effort to tell him how great he was when he acted like a big boy. It seems to have worked. He used to get mad when the garbage truck went up the street and he missed. Now he just says "That's okay. I'll see it next time." And goes back to whatever he was doing before. Hopefully, this will work for you.

I agree with most of the responses on here. My daughter tends to do this (she is 5 1/2, it was worse at 4) and now I just "blah" tell her that I can't talk to her about "whatever it is" until she can talk in a regular voice. Then I just ignore her until she talks normally. At first I had to remind her several times but now she knows exactly what I am talking about when I tell her to use her real voice.
There is also a book about whining, called "Let's talk about whining." IT is a series of books that deal with everything from being bossy, tattling, whining, etc. I have enjoyed using the series to help my kids understand, first of all, what it is they are doing that is annoying or wrong.

I can relate. I am working through a similar issue. "This to shall pass."

A few suggestions for you:
1. How do you react to her?
-Do you get upset and/or frustrated. In her eyes this is a great way to get mom to react
-Do you fuss over her when she is crying. Then do you moreso fuss over her when she does something positive. Which lead me to the next question...
2. How is positive reinforcement going?
-Does she get your undivided attention when she is crying/whinning
-when she is crying/whinning do you say soooo much more than when she is doing something positive
(I had to work hard on this one. When I am consistently showering my son/daughter with positive, the crying/whining last seconds. When I spend more time with the crying/whining the episodes are more frequent and last longer. For my son, the best respose was saying....nothing. Then he would realize, "Oh, Mommy is not going to play along...I guess I will stop.")
I hate to say this last part, this will stop. For some children this is a stage. And the truth is she will work faster through this stage when you are able to grasp that this is temporary.

You are not alone. Each day, I have to tell myself, I decide on how the situation will process. Then take a deep breath, pray for happy hearts. Then go from there.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention....another thing that has helped me when my kids are in great mood, we discuss what is and is not encouraging. I know in time the seeds will take root.

Good luck.

I'm not sure this is going to help at all, but I have a 2.75 year old who can become whiny at times. First, we have reviewed many times what is "appropriate to cry about: if you get hurt, if something makes you scared or very sad, even if you get mad...but that you stop crying quickly and "use your words" as soon as you can. I have told him that whining or crying about something for a long time "carrying on" is a sign that he is tired and needs some rest time. That means he has to sit/lie on his bed for a little while (5-10 min) If he does whine or fuss, I remind him that he sounds tired. If the whining stops...great. If not, he goes straight to his bed. Rarely now does he make it to his bed, but on those occasions, he calms down pretty quickly. And, yes, once he did fall asleep. I wish you luck...

Greetings, K.!

I am a single mom of 3 so I do know what you are going through. First, please be patient with YOURSELF. You have your own emotions being separated from the other parent and having to take on more responsibilities. More than likely your daughter is feeling your emotions. They know us so well :). Continue to pray, have faith that God will provide you with EVERYTHING you need and enjoy your daughter. She will grow out of it.

You should try to ignore the behavior. If a negative behavior doesn't get the response they want, they will stop the negative behavior. More than likely she whines because it draws your attention. Even though it may be negative attention, it is still attention. You just have to play around with until you find something that works. But NEVER give in. You could resist 100 times in a row and then give in once and then you are back at square one. Good luck to you!!!

Let her cry. Unless she is injured, let her cry it out. Don't give in to her, only because that is teaching her that if she cries long enough, she will get what she wants. Trust me, you do not want that type of manipulation happening! I would just walk away, because then she is not getting any reaction at all from you and it will probably work wonders. Good luck!

Ok, I am sure that I will take a different stance than most everyone, but my kids, my 2 nephews, and my goddaughter all did about faces with their behavior when the food was changed. You can try all the behavior modification consistencies and I am sure they will either work some or all. Your daughter seems to be melting over each transition or change that happens. That does indicate that she "does not feel well" and does not have the coping skills to handle these little things when they happen. Until you know for sure she can control it, I would be very gentle and supportive like "Gosh, that really is dissappointing when the landscaper noise goes away, I bet you are sad. Can Mommy hug you for a minute." You are not giving in or giving her her way, you are just supporting her through what she sees as a big deal.

If you want another take, assume your daughter, like many kids I know, are responding to their bodies not being regulated and their tummies are out of sorts. Food sensitivities and allergies will cause big problems for their level of tolerance. No, they don't tell you that either. Futher, they often crave the foods that are the most problematic.

First, remove milk (substitute rice or almond) and all milk products. Two weeks later, begin phasing out wheat. Usually, this behavior is more related to the milk, but wheat is always a big one as well. Be sure to notice what frequency the behavior occurs now and what frequency happens within 2 weeks of the removal of milk and 1 month from the time wheat is removed.

There is lots more health work you can do to improve behavior, but usually, you will see an very nice improvement in behaviors with just this. Do not tie the change of foods to the behavior, though, it will back lash on you. Just say it is to get her tummy better.

Just my 2 cents, J.

Hello Kriten,

I was also experiencing the same issue and concern;however it is my son and he is seven years old and his crying is being labeled in the classroom as a behavior problem and disrubtion to the class. I have also being trying to try many diifferent tactics to stop him from crying, which he seemed to do only when he thoought he is going to get into trouble. I really think it has something to do with seeing his father crying. So we explianed to him that it is okay to cry, it all just depends on what he is crying for becuase he shouldn't waste his tears which would eventually run out, and he needs the to see. I know what you are probaly saying, but it has been working so far.

My son is younger, but I read something in a Parenting magazine that might help: The article said it is important to let your child know that what they are saying is important, even though their manner of communication isn't appropriate. It said to try saying something like, "I really want to hear what you are saying, but when you whine/fuss I can't understand what you are saying." The hard part of this is that you have to endure the frustrated whining when you don't acknowledge what they are saying. But, it might help change a pattern. I don't know if this will work, but, hopefully, it will help. Good luck!

Number one- I agree that walking away is the best idea. Removing your attention from her will show her that she won't get your sympathy except by talking her issues out calmly.
But sometimes you may not be able to do as such (in public for example) or you may be wanting to pull your hair out from all of the whining. In that case you can also try the "whining seat". It is pretty much the same as time out, only she stays there until she calms down. It works by showing her that in stressful or disappointing situations the best thing to do is stop and take time to listen to herself and evaluate. Oh, and you can do this in the middle of a store too. Most people will just walk on by. When she stops whining and crying, she can come out and talk about what bothers her and learn that not everything will go her way, but she will be heard- calmly. Also get creative. If she likes the landscapers- find out why. That's just an example, but by getting into her head, you can come up with some fun things to do. Was it that she wanted to plant things too? Did she like the creativity of making the land change? did she just like the tractors? Those are the makings of lots of field trips and crafts- and special time together.good luck.

Walk away or remove her from the situation and be consistant. Calmly explain to her that she cannot have the crayon she wants because it isn't there. She cannot have the cookies in the grocery store because it isn't on your list. Put a timer on and explain to her when it goes off, she has to go to bed. No matter how emotionally painful it is to hear your child cry, you have to set limits. Children despretly want to know where the limits are. If there are none, they will not feel secure and will act out. HTH!

Have you had her evaluated by a physician. She seems to be hypersensitive. My 7 yr. old boy is the same way, physically you can't hurt this kid, emotionally, he cries over the color of the kool aid. Good Luck, I still can not find a solution, we just deal with it one battle at a time. And I won't let him cry until he pukes, I'm sure that response will be put up sometime. I just comfort and hold him until he gets a grasp on his emotions.