Could It Be Because We Are Moms?

Oh, yes. I do it all the time. I think after the age of 40, most of us moms have a pretty good idea about what life is about because we've experienced so much by that time. I have to catch myself sometimes and remind myself that younger people just don't have the experience about certain things than I do, so cut them some slack and not be such a grump. Looking back at how my mother raised me, I recall some of the things that she said and did and I thought back then, wow, she's clueless. But, now, I perfectly get why she did what she did and said what she said.

With age, comes wisdom.

J.:

For the younger ones - yeah - I talk to them as I would talk to my daughter.
Like you - there are a couple of mom's who ask for advice but then come back with another post like they didn't listen to anyone the last time!

i've been called condescending here and patronizing (wait - they both mean the same thing!!) any way - they can't see my passion nor can they see my concern. The problem with "type"

For other people? I respond to them as I would like to be responded to. With the truth and what they would do.

GOOD QUESTION!!!

Life experience and maternal instinct factor into answers, of course.

I think I know the post/answers you refer to in your question and I've gotta say, a lot of the blatant nastiness to that particular poster makes me sick.

For some reason....there's a consensus among some that because someone is "young, unmarried with a child" it's OK to blast her for every.single.question. she asks. Not cool.

Think about it--if someone is responsible enough to be young with a child, work, be engaged and faithful to her child's father, then she IS trying to do the right thing.

Sure, we can offer ideas, opinions, support and personal experience. That doesn't mean it has to be taken. Nor does it mean people are wrong to contiinue to reach out for information, ideas and support.

As moms, with life experience, we should realize that being plain nasty is not going to reach someone--much like it wouldn't "reach" our own kids. So the "because we are moms" things works both ways.

I think most of us tend be 'fixers' simply because who honestly wants to watch another human being fail. Once we have children, I think that instinct is sharpened. Yes, lessons learned the hard way are often learned the best way . Also the old adage about free advice and getting what you pay for it. Then again not every lesson needs to be learned the hard way. If your experience could offset that damage or pain for someone else, then I would and do freely give it. Also I try very hard to listen to those lessons to avoid those mistakes myself. Advice is like receiving a tiny piece of someone’s experience/self and that is always valuable and to be appreciated.
I am at the age where I am both mothered and doing the mothering. I have been mothered/fathered because I am typically the age of my coworkers’ children. It is within the context of a work setting but it still counts in my opinion. I have been counseled so many times to avoid pitfalls, traps and so on. The advice ranges from how to act professionally, how to best work my projects, how to be a better engineer and how to develop my career. Honestly I appreciate people care enough to reach out to me to help me. It speaks well of both of us I argue. Conversely I may only have a baby but I catch myself doing it already to others both at work and at home. For instance, I jump to point out bad ideas or poor choices. I can't imagine what I’ll be like with older children and more experience/wisdom.
As for this forum being limiting, of course it is. What I wouldn’t give to shake people sometimes and to give friendly pats on the back at other times. The written language has bitten most of us in the ankle in one form or another here. I chalk the mothering and the forum limitations up to human nature. Personally I am grateful people care enough to try hard to fix things within in themselves and within others. Also I value your frustrations with the limitations of this forum. It speaks well of you and I think most of us glimpse that care/concern in your posts. You may be a touch gruff but it comes from a good place which is often true for so many posters. I believe if the person’s heart is in the right place, then you can read that through the lines of a well intentioned post despite tone/word choice/etc.

with some of the questions posted.....it's hard to sway from the "mom" tone!

yes, it happens.....doesn't mean we haven't anything important to say, tho'!

Sometimes I do that too . . . job hazard I suppose!

Other times I just tell people what worked (or didn't work for me). But ultimately the best and most long-lasting lessons - you learn for yourself, imho. Frequently I ask my kids "what if there was no one else in the world to ask that question - what would you do?"

I think we all have an innate instinctual intelligence that we have shut down to a certain extent in the modern world. We just have to learn how to tap into it.

No I did not pick that up from your response to that particular poster. What I picked up was disdain.

There are other people on here, which shall remain nameless, that post more ludicrous things but because they are held in higher regard they do not get blasted like this poster does. So no I do not equate it with being a mom thing. It is right on par with the popular girls ganging up on the less popular girls in high school. Something I thought we had all moved way past.

Do you do this at work? If you don't particularly care for the person on the receiving end than you probably do.

Well I'm not entirely sure I understand what you are thinking. But my husband accuses me of treating him like my child.

I think it is partially because we are moms and some moms on here COULD be my daugther based on our respective ages, even though I only have a 5 year old... but I think generally it is the nature and tone of the question that more elicits the "if you only knew" response.

Let's face it, not everyone on here or even in life wants an answer to their question. They want to hear what they want to hear so they can go make bad decisions and share the blame.

But I agree, it is difficult to truly understand where people are coming from and put their questions in context because we don't know each other.

I don't think I answer my questions as just a "mom". I answer them as a mom, wife, step mom, business owner, friend, woman and homemaking diva. And *try* to respond to the person ASKING the question and not just the question itself. Hence my harshness at times. =)

I think I know what post you are referring to. I happened to be on here last night because my dog ate a Hershey's Kiss and I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to die on me. :)

Anyway, some of the responses made me sad because of the tone and nastiness. I think it's important to remember that most of us DON'T know one another personally. Something that you'd feel comfortable saying to a friend/family needs to be toned down on this site. Please consider her age and naivete. I know that there are some people that marry, have children, buy a house and take on responsibilities at a very young age, like my parents, a totally different generation. I certainly was not in that camp. Some of the things that were said, or more HOW they were said, would have really thrown me for a loop at age 20. Consider that this "woman" is barely over her teenage years. What we certainly don't want to do here is damage others with our words. If we can't tone it down or are frustrated with the question/poster, consider not responding.

You can tell someone something until they're blue in the face. But the real learning comes mostly from experience, not necessarily "advice."

some people just speak mom and yes it happens at my work. I usually just answer what I think might work or what has worked for me.

I don't look into peoples profiles but I suppose maybe I should. I just want people to respond how you normally would. Yes, sometimes you all aren't very nice but a lot of times I remember that if I am in a foul mood or sad not to take it to heart. Its kind of like emails, sometimes it just comes out wrong.

I may have asked the same question but I didn't remember asking it because I don't bother you check what I already asked.

Wow. That actually gives me great insight into your answers. I dont read tham as condescending. To me, they usually read more like a dad than a mom. Straight to the point. No fluff or hand holding. No disclaimers. You pull no punches, but I can tell it's very practical, real advice. Not ask Ann Landers, but more like what your dad would tell you.

I think my advice comes from years of making bad choices. I've had to learn the hard way what should be common sense to most people. So, I try very hard not to make value judgements. My 1st thought is always kindness to the kids in the situation, not necessarily to the adult asking the question. I'm not seeing the poster as my child, but thier kids as the ones I'm trying to help.

I think that we give as we like to get. I am a straight shooter so I can't stand for anyone to beat around the bush when I need advice.

I hear so many moms here say that they only want a listening ear for example when they are talking to a MIL, I rarely can listen without giving advice. And that is because if I am venting I want the listener to give me advice otherwise I feel like I am wasting air.

No right or wrong answers. Maybe someone likes to hear mom ralk too.

I don't think I do. I mean.... my kids aren't OLD ENOUGH to be on this board... so I am going to assume, for the most part, that anyone who IS on this board posting questions SHOULD have a little more life experience and maturity than my 13 yr old and 10 yr old. So when I think someone is doing something ridiculously stupid, I tend to not answer at all. Because I probably won't be nice about it if I do. And I don't want to be so "judgmental". But seriously... I get really annoyed sometimes by how many people in this world do some seriously dumb stuff (particularly financial stuff) and have seemingly no idea that they are making poor choices.... Just no clue...

I'm not sure if I know the post to which you are referring, but I know one that immediately comes to mind for me. Maybe they're the same one, maybe not. But all I can do is sit and shake my head.... nothing I could say would be very "helpful" because as one of the ladies (who responded to this post) pointed out--- the girl probably would tune me out, like my kids would if I started reaming them for something they did that was blatantly stupid.

I might, because my kids are grown, my youngest is 24;) But mainly I try to help if someone is having a problem! I think that is the benefit of this board and I do know that sometimes people get nasty and I think that if they need to remember the golden rule that I grew up with: IF you can't say anything nice, than say NOTHING at all...that way you are not going to hurt someone's feelings.

Nah. I don't answer like I would my kids. Mainly because my kids are 1 and 4, so I think the other mamas might get a little annoyed with me. LOL! I just answer like I would answer a co-worker--like a friend, but filtered.