Dear G.:
You are a giver, and if you have lasted this long and done this much, you must be a bit organized. IS EVERYONE CRAZY, how can you possibly make time to jot a note, take a walk, get some exercise allow yourself to do these things, when it has taken you 8 kids and running a household and being a full time teacher, and being a full time wife, and having a full time job. How many people do you know, that have 8 children to care for, teach a full time job, take care of the house full time, have time for a date night, be a full time chief, do the grocery shopping, get the kids dressed, cleaned, and stay on top of your mental health and healing for yourself. SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE. If you have lasted this long and now are coming up for air, YOU ARE WONDER WOMAN, and about to have a nervous breakdown. The breakdown is because you are doing everything. Thank GOD that you are asking for help, and even in the gentliest most kindest way, making sure that you are being kind without even mentioning anything about you until the bottom of the page.
I found out about myself, because I felt that I was going to break. It turned out that my daughter had ADD and we did not find out until the 6th grade. I found out that I had ADD in the process. That's why I kept adding on all the things that cause stress. I also had anxiety, and I am a giver, that what makes me happy. Unfortunately, I gave up everything that I loved as a child, teenager, young adult, before I got married, and then when I was married (which I have been with my husband - married for 20 years, and together 8 years before that). I have a wonderful husband, but being a giver, I had the energy and desire to do so and loved it. BUT, I did not give myself the caring. I am on a track to do so, and it starts with baby steps. I did take medication, and found that I never knew what regular people feel like mentally. The reason that I took on so much to begin with, as I had anxiety and was not able to relax in the first place, thus I created my own stress and anxiety by not saying no, living the crazy life, never a dull moment. 8 KIDS come on. Enough being said, your husband may be a great guy, but if you changed jobs for a day, a week a month, there is no way he nor ANYONE could handle what you have done and are doing.
MY RECOMMENDATION, would be first to get some medication, that will make you slow down, the anti-depressants (YOU CAN ALWAYS STOP), again the personality that I can take care of myself and do it my way (by the way, I felt the same way about medication, for myself and my daughter, but it was out of ignorance and not being educated. I then read Driven to Distraction and learned about ADD. I went to a great Psychiatrist, who treated my anxiety (the inability to slow down, the need to keep active, the need to be the one doing everything), then she treated me for my ADD. I can only say what has worked for me. I used to love sports, and got back into it. Doing something that I love. For you it could be reading, sewing, drawing, bird watching, whatever it was that you enjoyed before you found yourself dating, married and a mother. You have been who you are prior to getting married, and I'm sure that you were able to manage a lot, as a young girl, and had the desire to do so. What was your mother and father like, the apple does not fall far from the apple tree. Also we take on so much, to run away from ourselves. Givers love to feel great from giving, there is nothing better that feeling that you can be the one to help a lending hand, and be there for your children, BUT HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING TO YOURSELF? HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING TO YOURSELF, HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING TO YOURSELF? HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING TO YOURSELF. --- Yes you have 8 kids, a husband with two jobs, a girlfriend (DATE NIGHTS), a full time job (RUNNING THE HOUSE), a full time job (TEACHING), 8 full time jobs (PARENTING each child), and your not getting any sleep (I wonder why), there are only 8 hours in 12 hours in a day for keeping how many full time jobs? HOW ARE YOU POSSIBLY GOING TO KEEP ALL THOSE FULL TIME JOBS (if you had a time clock and had to clock in and out for everything you do (AND THEN, have ALL THE WORK THAT IS NOT GETTING DONE), without a full time staff, and then I mean full time staff with there assistants in check helping them out. YOU ARE RUNNING A COMPANY, more than one, with out staff, and then you are supposed to be in a good spirits, and getting sleep. HOW COME YOU HAVE NOT BEEN GIVING TO YOURSELF? HOW COME YOU ARE NOT GIVING TO YOURSELF? HOW COME YOU ARE NOT GIVING TO YOURSELF? Here the real problem lies. You cannot even think about this for one minute, because you are running HOW MANY COMPANIES? and why do you have the need to run these companies? HOW COME YOU ARE NOT GIVING TO YOURSELF?
First, of all you have to start somewhere, but where? Thus the anxiety. I never knew that I had anxiety to start with (THUS, HOW COME I WAS NOT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!), how come I was a caregiver all the time? How come I was so spontaneous, how come I TOOK ON SO MUCH. I treated my anxiety (which I did not know that I had with medication, I treated my ADD, which I did not know that I had, and I treated my depression, which I did not know that I had, because I WAS HAPPY, I LOVED TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD, I was anxious, I never slowed down, I never TOOK CARE OF MYSELF, because I did not know any other way. NOW, I work out, I have gone back to work, I am happy (I've always been happy, or so I thought), but I WAS NOT CARING FOR MYSELF). My most important job (TAKING CARE OF MYSELF); was not one of my CORPORATE COMPANIES.
My kids are much happier, I have my date night (which I might add, is no fun with all your responsibilities on the back burner), because you have overloaded yourself.
WHAT IF YOUR KIDS ALL OF THEM, WERE IN SCHOOL, DAYCARE, WHAT IF YOU HAD A FULL TIME MAID, WHAT IF YOU HAD SOMEONE TO DO ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF RUNNING COMPANY (your home), TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND (emotionally, and sexually), WHAT IF YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WHAT WOULD YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO? WHAT WOULD YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO?
That in itself, would probably be a scary question for you, WHAT WOULD YOUR PURPOSE BE? HOW COULD YOU MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY, without the need to be a GIVER?
I LOVE THE ADVICE FROM THE PERSON, SIMILAR TO MINE, WHO AS AN OLDER PERSON, WHO WAS DIRECT -, I DON'T THINK I CAN REMEMBER HER NAME, AND ALSO THE LaTASHA, the one who spoke about prayer. I'll look them up after sending this message, and write back.
Also, I have a friend who put her son on medication. I did not think he needed meds, as a matter of fact I was against anything about medication. I used to think it just because those parents don't want to take the time and patience, to mother their kids. Just have them pop a pill, etc. After my daughter got tested, and she had a 99% test rate in math without time limitation, could solve any problem giving to her, then a 30% test rate under time, with even the easiest problems thrown at her (multiplication), that we agreed to try meds. It was like night and day. She had suffered emotionally, socially, and intellectually from her add. Her brain is like a race car, and she can hyper focus, and also be totally unaware of details, and in social situations, unaware of body language, etc. The medication has helped her so much, I cannot even begin to explain it. Myself, I have gone on medication (only because I would rather go on meds, than my children (because I was a encountering so much frustration and anger and resentment), that I wanted to help myself to be a better mom, wife, friend. I WANTED TO HELP ME HELP MYSELF. I WANTED TO HELP ME HELP MYSELF. HOW CAN WE BE A BETTER CORPORATE MANAGER, if we are not educated. BEFORE YOU MAKE A JUDGMENT ABOUT MEDICATION - become EDUCATED about medication. BEFORE YOU CAN BECOME A CHRISTIAN, you have to experience the change of accepting CHRIST. You can tell someone about JESUS, you try to explain how it can change your life, but until you experience it for yourself, WANT IT, SEEK IT, you will never know what it is like to have CHRIST in your life. TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, you will never know what it's like. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, to take medication and see how it affects you, if it is right for you. YOU CAN ALWAYS not take it. YOU CAN ALWAYS not seek to be educated about it and still have the same feelings about it, because you see it as taboo. MEDICATION has saved peoples lives. HOW ABOUT Antibiotics, how about motrin for headaches, how about insulin, for diabetics, how about blood thining medicine. How about dialasis, how about by-pass surgery. How about children's tylenol or motrin to bring down a fever that could erupt into a seizure.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT ARE ON DRUGS AS ADULTS, IS BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT EDUCATED ABOUT THEMSELVES. ADD people especially. They have anxiety, there are extremely creative and in the moment. They are not organized and good with money, balancing a check book, having a schedule, being able to conquer time management, they are in the moment. IN ORDER TO FUNCTION as adults, to slow down, or speed up with there spontaneous personality, they self medicate. WOULD IT NOT BE BETTER, to become educated, find out if there is a problem (HOW YOU ARE HARD WIRED, WHY YOU ARE A GIVER, IT IS BECAUSE OF ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUES AS YOU GROWING UP, A CHEMICAL ISSUE OF HORMONE INBALANCE IN YOUR BRAIN, JUST LIKE ONE DOES THAT NOT HAVE ENOUGH INSULIN THAT THERE BODIES PRODUCE, THUS THEY ARE DIABETIC, THEY HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, THEY ARE BORN MENTALLY RETARDED (the most obvious form of an in balance, being born blind, another obvious indicator of a child with special needs. What about the child that has a weight problem, is it because of thyroid, is it because of emotional issues. That child becomes an adult - WHY ARE THERE people that have a weight problem, WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE, who are so DRIVEN to success. WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO TAKE ON SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY? WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE, who are not motivated? WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE THAT are depressed, lonely, suffer?
EDUCATION is the first step. If you are born blind, you can either be proactive (learn to read braille, get help (get a dog to help), take action. If there are people that are diabetic, they take medication, or ignore there problem.
FOR YOU, WHO IS A CORPORATE MANAGER OF MANY CORPORATIONS, you have probably become quite educated ON TEACHING, RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD, BEING A WIFE, but maybe not on TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, and why you have so many full time jobs, as a caregiver.
WHAT if you did read a book about medications and what they can help do (like you have the time to add one more thing on your plate in your 12 hours of climbing mount everest, without staff to carry your gear, as you prepare to have a party on top of the mountain, and serve 8 children, take care of your husband, teach your children, bath them, feed them, read to them, give them emotional love and support, and keep a lid on your frustration, emotions and feelings, fatigue, loneliness - inside, if you were to stop to take enough time to look at it - because by doing all these things, can you be intimate? Intimate with yourself, your husband, your friends, your children. SURE YOU CAN KEEP BUSY (you have no choice).
EDUCATION is first (whether you make an appt. with a doc, JUST TO GET INFORMATION, no obligation, CHECK OUT A BOOK, order it online - which you probably can do, if you took the time to inquire herein.
BY THE WAY, YOU HAVE TO BE A CORPORATE, EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT, ORGANIZED, person to be able to handle ALL YOUR FULL TIME JOBS, and still have time to write a request.
and NOT BE COMMITED TO A HOSPITAL for lack of sleep, emotional distress, when I say commited, I mean pneomenia, some sort of sickness, from all of the above, or even have a breakdown. YOU ARE SMART enough to take the first step in writing a request here.
I HOPE THAT I AM NOT PRESUMPTIOUS ENOUGH to feel that YOU HAVE A NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, maybe you are doing this very thing, and are feeling just a bit overwelmed temporarily in the moment, because you can do all that you do, and you are just fine.
I WONDER HOW MANY WOMEN could do what you do, MEN that could do what you do, FAMILY UNITS, with everyone pulling together TO DO WHAT you do?
Please do not take this in an "holier than thou way". I do not want to seem like I know what I am talking about, but I DO KNOW FOR ME, it has been a journey of education, taking baby steps, to find out WHO I AM, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes my family happy, what is best for my family, A HAPPY MOMMA IS A HAPPY HOME. HAPPY CHILDREN IS A HAPPY HOME, A HAPPY DADDY IS A HAPPY HOME. It's like a mobile, when the one part is moved, the rest moves. When one part changes, the rest changes. You cannot change anyone but yourself, You cannot make the mobile move for them, you can ONLY BE THE ONE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. HOW DO YOU DO THAT, when you probably have never taken a second, nor do you have a second, TO SEE ABOVE THE FOREST into the trees.
WE ARE HERE IN THIS SURREAL UNIVERSE, THIS INCREDIBLE MAGICAL, BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS, THE MAGINIFICANCE PRESENCE, to be alive, to see the sunset, the feel a hug, to have our special finger prints, from a polar bear, that loves ice, to a scorpion that lives in the desert, from a butterfly to a great white whale, from the color of a flower, to the drop of a snow flake. We are living in an existence, a realm, a rainbow of life that is inexpressible to even try to describe to an alien that has never experienced the sound of a bird singing, the wind blowing, the smell of the ocean, the feeling of an organism, the taste of a sweet strawberry the chemistry of our bodies, the blood flowing, the brain sending signals to our fingers to type this letter, to be able to think, feel express.
We are human, the realm we live in is not perfect, yet it is. It is in balance -- our brains, our bodies are the most complex organism there is. We are multifaceted,
YOU HAVE A FACET TO BE A CAREGIVER, WHO ARE YOU, what are the other parts of your being - WHAT WOUD YOU DO IF YOUR CHILDREN WENT TO SCHOOL, DAY CARE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF SOMEONE TOOK CARE OF YOUR HOUSE, YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES, YOUR JOBS?
MEDICINE - WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT FOR? Why do we have hormones, blood types, why do we wear glasses, orthodics, why do we need water? Why are we spiritual? Why do we think? Why do we need food? What foods are best for us? Why do we have eyelashes, hair on our bodies, sweat glands, tears?
As in LaTasha's lament, in the need for Christ, to help, yes! Yes, in your need to be a caregiver? Why not have your kids in school - do you feel that you can do a better job? Are you concerned about social issues for your children growing up in western culture. Do you feel that you can teach them best (intellectually? or is it you do not like our society and their values?)
Have you noticed that I have not actually spoke about your husband? This is not about your husband, your children, your jobs, it is about YOU! Are you happy? overwhelmed and why. WHY, please, please, WITH ALL YOUR FULL TIME JOBS, WHEN DO YOU HAVE TIME TO SLEEP, EVEN FEEL? EVEN GO TO THE BATHROOM to read a magazine article, maybe a paragraph if your lucky!
Maybe you can do these things and want to do all these things. I just want you to be able to experience some time for yourself, in this incredible, incredible realm in which we live, what ever that may be.
My love is for you to love yourself, REMEMBER your passions when you were a child, teenager, young adult, you probably had responsibilities out of the womb, and were the type that sought out being a giver, so this may be a great big facet of who you are, but remember you are multi-faceted, and there may be another side of the mobile that has not experienced the soft movement by a gentle wind, or maybe it will experience the eruption of a volcano in the sea, or maybe the gentle movement of the earth, to let you know there are other parts of your being that maybe need to be reawakened, and given love and attention.
I hope that this somehow helps in a little way, because change is new, it is scary, it is exciting, and what would you do if . . .
Love D.
p.s. - It was Sue C. advice - I can't find it in my transcript above.
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