I have a friend that is having trouble with her children (mainly her 8yr old boy). I'm trying to convince her that she cannot be a parent completely alone (husband/dad is a truck driver). She is fully convinced that she made her kids they are ONLY hers to take care of, no help should be required even a baby sitter to watch them for a girls night out....in that case she's "pawning" them off even though she SERIOUSLY wants a girls night out.
because her husband in on the road 90% of the time, she is feeling deprived in every way possible, depriving herself to take care of her kids, her feelings as a wife are deprived because she and her husband get no time alone and the intamacy is pretty much dead. i'm mainly looking for ways to convince her that it's ok to tell the kids to leave her alone for the moment and to take time to HERSELF and help her find ways to talk to her husband about the "malnurishment" she is feeling where her and her husband are concerned. bible verses would be AWESOME!
she is taking my suggestions on what to do. she has watched me with my daughter who is very well bahaved and my marriage, which is wonderful despite he and i are 23 years apart. when we get together, she let's me "play mom" and watches how i control the kids. Of course she knows that it will not change until she fully enforces her rules in the home. it's already started making a difference. Her son this morning gave her no arguments and has been told by HER that he needs to gain her trust back.
of course people have told me i'm too strict, but i can usually control just about any child that comes into my home, some take more time than other's but she is also watching that; She knows she needs time to recouperate, and it's taken me a week of talking to her about that, and now she wants that time, maybe i should look into being a family counselor, or something of that nature, been told i'm good at these things..would be nice to get paid for it :)
thanks for all your suggestions
S.,
You might suggest that she see a mental health care professional. It kind of sounds like she is isolating herself by using these "rules" that she is helpless to do anything about. She so wants to go out, but "can't" enjoy herself, etc. It can be a sign of clincial depression or irational thought processes that will improve with therapy and treatment.
M.
I am a very independant mother. Husband is in the military so sometimes I am essentially a single parent. My mother was also very independant, and ironically taught me two very important lessons.
1. My biological father was an abusive drunk. When I was almost 2 she left him.... and moved in with her parents. I grew up with a very close relationship with my mother and grandparents, and the lesson I learned was: As a parent, you often cannot afford the luxury of pride. The best interests of your child should always outweigh your own desire to "do it on my own."
2. As I got older and saw my mother trying to do for others so very much, sometimes her exhaustion would get the better of her and I would tell her.... "Mom, if you don't take the time and energy for yourself, you're not going to have as much to give others.... including your children." That would often get her attention.
There is a reason why, on airline flights, if the oxygen masks drop down from the ceiling, adults should secure their own masks before attending to their child's. Take that as a metaphor and run with it.
Best of luck to you and your friend.
Your concern for your friend is admirable.
It sounds, however, that she is not really receptive to suggestions at this point. Just be there as a friend. Listen to her. Offer suggestions if the topic comes up; but let her cope in the way she is most comfortable. We each define parenting and responsibility a little differently. There may also be influences from her past that are guiding what she does today.
Ultimately, accept your friend for who she is and be there for her when she needs to vent.
It sounds like she is trying to be the martyr mother. I understand that mentality, but she is isolating herself and if she can get out once in a while, it will make her a better mother. Is it possible to offer to watch her kids and have her go get a massage or something? I am in a similar situation. I feel like I shouldn't leave my kids, especially since I work, and want to be with them as much as possible, but it makes me a much better, and patient mama to get out occasionally. She had to take care of herself to take care of her kids.
Ask her this question." If your child was in this situation, what would you suggest they do?"
"Would you want your child to ever feel the way you do?"
Do you think it is a sin to ask for help?
Do you like helping other people?
I LOVE helping people but I would not ask for help, because I was taught, to be very independent. What I began to learn is that asking others for help, is a gift to you give to the person who wants to help.
You are allowing them to be your friend, allowing them the pleasure of helping. It is part of Maturity, to know when to ask for help. It is not some sort of weakness or a sign of failure.
Does she ever reach out and help others? Is so, maybe you could try some reverse psychology.
It sounds like her beliefs are getting in her own way. I can relate to this because I always felt like I could do it all - and was quite good at it!! I cared for everyone else first. (It finally caught up with me, of course!) It's only been recently that I learned giving and receiving go hand in hand. Very basic, I know. lol I learned that when I receive, I have so much more to give. I learned that by not receiving I was taking away another person's opportunity to give.
It is up to her to make her own changes as she sees fit. But perhaps some different strategies (and you've tried many it sounds like) like having some girls over with kids and have a babysitter or 2 there to take care of them. Maybe something like that would help 'ween' her and the fun time with the girls might propel her to reconsider her options. It could be she feels overwhelmed and really can't see other options for herself.
And I second Christina O's post.
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It's part of maturing for both parents and children to spend time away from each other and hanging out with friends. Remind her this is a part of life for all of us, not just the kids. Her children will also benefit from time with a sitter because "mom" will be more rested and happier. My husband has always traveled a ton with work and I felt the full responsibility of raising the kids. I loved it but then realized that I needed to cut the strings just a bit and let some others keep the kids when I wanted to do something "just for me!" It wasn't every week, but more like once every 6 weeks or so and it was/is wonderful! The kids fully understand and it's good for all of us. I don't make my husband feel guilty about not being home much. He's working hard for our family. Especially when their dad is away, the mom must be firm on discipline but full of love for them or the kids will sense her weakness and walk all over her. My husband and I are not together as much as we would like, but when we are, we remember why we got married. Encourage her to enjoy life as all three - woman, mom and wife. It won't just happen. She'll have to do some personal planning but it can work.
Sounds to me that somewhere in all of this she has lost her self identity and now her only identity is "super mom". Everyone needs their "story", what makes them who they are. Even if it is a negative one. I agree with asking her if this is what she'd like for her children when they are parents. I also suggest playing to her "super mom" side and say, if you step away and have a little girl time, you come back recharged and even better able to tend to your kids because you've lessened the stress within. But also if she is not receptive to any of your suggestions then you have to just be her friend and listen. If she is constantly complaining and won't take your suggestion then you need to tell her can't hear the complaints anymore if you don't want to change.
I wonder if she has a special needs child? Or is there no one in her life she totally trusts. Sometimes leaving your kids is more about that. Whether this is true or not she still needs the time you want her to have. You can't necessarily change her mind, but this is what I would say to her:
It is in the best interest of her children to model taking care of herself. It's good for the kids to see that although Mommy loves them beyond belief, Mommy has other important things in her life (like time with her friends or with Daddy), a job, a passion. Tell her that this is good for the kids because she wants to teach them how to take care of themselves. That's truly the most important part of parenting! Modeling is the best way to teach. You can't take care of yourself if you only take care of others. Truly, it's as simple as that. Plus, she WILL be a better and more patient mother if she takes better care of herself.
