Communicating with My Children

This is tough. I have been married for 8 years and we have a blended family. Our kids felt loyalty to their other parents. While they wanted us to be happy, by letting themselves like the new person, they felt like it would be a betrayal to the other parent. The fact that it has just been you and them for the past 9 years makes it especially difficult because there is also that fear that this new man is going to replace them in your life. There is no easy answer on this and if you do get married, the children will be a point of contingency in your relationship so be sure he understands that going in. As for advice, take it slow. Understand that they are not going to love him as much as you do for a very long time. Also understand that while he will grow to love them and care about them, he will probably never have the same attachment to them that you do (side note: this can be a good thing because he can provide you with a non biased opinion during the difficult teenage years). Give the kids time individually to get to know him. Find common ground between your friend and each child and then figure out a way to incorporate it. Example, my son doesn't play sports but he loves the outdoors so, my now husband took us hiking some place we had never been. Took my son climbing and doing fun stuff that he hadn't gotten to do before. Remember, and maybe even point out to your kids, that they are not always going to be around. In a few years they are going to be grown and on their own and you will be all alone. It is time for you to have someone in your life that cares about you. Make sure they see how well he treats you and be sure they understand that he is not going to replace them in your life. You will have to have this conversation may times over the next few years before it finally sticks. Good luck. If you can get past this part, it is worth it.

I was the outsider in my situation. I met my husband when his son was 6 and his daughter was 2. I got some what lucky because the kids where young enough. It was harder on my step-son because his dad moved away. There were many many times that he would cry to me and his dad, just out of the blue, wishing his mom and dad would get back together. Once my husband and I got engaged and the kids realized I wasn't going anywhere, they seemed really on board. Their mom has brought a lot of men in and out of their lives, and I was the only other person their dad dated after him and their mom split. You just have to sit down and talk with the kids. Having your ex-husband talk with them will help as well. They feel sorry for him, and he needs to be the one to let them know that he is ok with it. IT's not an easy thing for kids to go through, but I have always felt that being upfront and honest with your kids gets you a lot further than telling them this is how it is like it or not. (especially in this kind of situation)
I want to say I completely applaude you for keeping your dating/personal life away from your kids for so long. I think that is a smart thing to do. My husbands ex does not do that, and every new boyfriend she has (there have been many) ends up moving in with her and the kids and these strangers are forced on them.
My step-son now lives with me and his dad, and he calls me mom. Nothing I pushed on him by any means, it's something that he came to me all on his own and asked if he could call me. As they say give it some time. Time heals everything.
Good luck with your situation, know that you are allowed to be happy. Once your kids see you happy they will follow too.
Sorry I rambled on so long.

Talk with your children explain to them that things are over between you and thier father. If they don't understand bring in your Ex' husband to help out not only you and your new boyfriend but to let them know that you and their father will never get back together. They shouldn't feel guilty for having another person in their lives and you should explain that to them- their are many blended families and he is not going to replace their father.
Good Luck

hi
maybe if your x husbond talks to them and lets them know its ok with him they will look at it in a different way. maybe if your new boyfriend lets them know that he doesn't want to take there dads place that will help too. good luck and let me know how things are working out.
K.

The only advice I can give you is talk with them and that it takes time. I was that outsider with my husband, not my husband at the time, and he had two children from his first marriage. It just takes time and communiucation. My bonus kids, as I like to call them, have adjusted and even my 11 yr old guy hugs me now. You might also account your 15yr old's comments to being 15, my 14 yr old is a handful and we like each other. There is no quick fix to this, sorry. Just keep talking with them and remember you raised them well and this is totally normal. Good luck and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

My mom, now nearly 80, says that when she was in Weight Watchers years ago that her group members warned her that her family would find the "change" in her threatening. That was a natural response to change. Still true now. Your daughter and son seem to be responding that way to your new partner now that he is becoming a real threat to their status quo. They are both old enough to be challenged, politely and calmly, to look at their behavior and evaluate it for what it is. Are they afraid they'll lose their dad in some way if this new guy comes into your life? Are they afraid they will lose their special position with you? Have you thought about those issues yourself and have some answers if they begin to have questions? Talk to them; listen to them. Allow them to share their very real and not so real fears. It may improve...