My 5 year old son is in Kindergarten. His teacher tells me she is worried that he is not mature enough for the classroom setting. I don't think he has enough issues to warrent ADD or ADHD, but he has a terrible time staying focused with the tasks at hand. He receives a red light for bad behavior sometimes and has to miss recess and acts like it's no big deal. I have exhausted myself trying to teach him that he has to listen to his teachers and I have given him consequences for his decisions. I have taken away videos, toys, games, even after dinner treats. I have even taken them all at once and he doesn't care. He is getting past the angry at mom stage and moving on to the "whatever" mindset. I sat down with him last night to practice some schoolwork and he took 2 1/2 hours to write his name twice and numbers from 1-50. I have seen him do it much quicker. He just kept losing focus. Any advice?
Thank you all for the great advice. We've spent this school year just watching and waiting to see how things would go. When we saw no improvement and even some worsening in the focus our son could keep while doing work at school, we decided to talk with his doctor and get his advice. We also spoke with the school counselor. The teacher and I filled out some evaluation forms about his behavior and focus in different situations. The counselor and doctor have both come to the conclusion that he has Inattentive ADHD. However, his doctor and I agreed not to start him on medication yet. We want to give him the rest of this school year and summer to mature a little and try Kindergarten one more time next fall. If we see the same pattern or worse, then we will discuss medication. My husband and I, as well as the doctor and teacher, want to let him just be a kid for now, but we are keeping a close eye on the situation so he doesn't get too far behind. Once again, thank you all so very much for the advice. It really helps to know that there are other parents struggling with these issues.
He is quite young. You could pull him out and hold him back for a year. If you did, I'd say you homeschool him until he is ready. I wouldn't want him to get the idea that it's ok to just quit.
Suzi
We had a similiar problem with my 1st grader last year. He was able to focus, but did not retain his letters well. He was fine in the other area's of his class though. But the important thing I learned about him and my older boys is the harder you push, the less they are willing to try. So they give up.
With my youngest I purchased interesting learning games and computer games for at home to make it different then school. I let him make his own flash cards with 3x5 cards and markers. His teacher sent home a packet of learning games. I also read up on dyslexia and how they teach children with dyslexia. Dyslexic children learn using different areas of the brain and the teaching methods offered variety. If one method didn't work we tried something else. Our efforts are beginning to pay off. My son was able to go on to 1st grade. After completing summer school and with the understanding that if it wasn't working withing the first semester he would go back to Kindergarten. About the second month of school things started to click and there has been an extreme amount of improvement.
The important thing is not to let your frustration out on your son. Work with your school, your pediatrician and your child. Keep trying and if your child repeats Kindergarten a fresh approach from a new teacher might just be the thing. There is are a large amount of kids graduating at 19 and 20 in Missouri, so your child won't feel left behind with his peers.
I work in a school and it could be that your child is just immature. It is ok to keep him back a year so he can mature and understand what school is all about. If it is just a maturity factor keeping him back will benefit him tremendously! Good Luck!
Hang in there. My six year old started kindergarten at 5. When we hit a 'bump' I found it much more effective to reward his good efforts than taking away. Otherwise if I just took stuff away it just became a power struggle of who was going to cave-in first? And we're both pretty stubborn! If I reward him, then it's really his choice although I always snuck in some questions or information during conversations or throughout the day to help reinforce whatever we needed to work on. I try not to reward with food. I was giving gold stars stickers on a chart and he earned .25 for each one. After he got 4 stickers he could get a $1 and go buy what he wanted at the dollar store. This way he started to learn about money and parts of a whole too. Gold starts also worked for lots of other things! I also only worked with him on school stuff a few minutes at a time throughout the day wherever we were as the opportunity arose. Your son may have something else going on there too. I found out when my son acted out the most, he was having problems with some incident or kid at school or on the bus. I learned a whole lot that first year of school! We talk now right when he gets home about his day and if there is anything I can help him with. If he has problems, I let him know I'm there for him. In other words, I'm his advocate. He needs to trust me that I know best so he will let me help him with his school work too. Of course, I'm honest with him too. Sometimes he brings problems to himself. But that's part of learning how to get along and succeed. Now learning is just part of our family culture. We're always talking about how things are spelled or added or subtracted and we read a lot.
I've also heard mom's talk about how changes in their son's diets have helped them focus and settle down. They take out the sugar and preservatives, etc. I think even Whole Foods has some kids vitamins that help too. We eat pretty healthy here, but I sure can tell if they've had too much junk! They're crabby and obstinate. It's the same with TV. They're almost always crabby after I let them watch a movie or a show.
Ultimately, I think they all want to succeed, they're so young and just don't have all the tools to help themselves. It's a lot of work! But we're all they have! :-)
To be honest I wouldn't totally rule out the ADD or ADHD just yet. When he plays does he switch out toys frequently or change activities quickly. I was sure my daughter was not ADHD. But we tons of bad days at school. And then she stopped caring. Finally, we did have her assessed and it made a world of difference. She is on medication. But now she can whip through her school work in no time. It didn't change over night though, but in a few weeks. By the time we started medication she had given up on being able to focus. We had to really encourage her to try again. But once she did... she start reminding us to give her pill in the mornings, because said if we didn't she didn't feel good and had bad days at school.
My daughter is in Kindergarten also. What I have found is that right after school she needs some down time that is just hers. If I give her that then she focuses better later on when she does her homework. She also has had some trouble with learning in certain areas. I had to find what she like to do most and change how I helped her at home teaching the subject she needed help in. Example, She loves art so I used art projects to teach numbers and counting. Do not spend 2-1/2 hours working on homework at this age. You just make them hate school.
C.,
It may be immaturity or it may be ADD/ADHD or something else. My oldest son who is going on 16 has ADHD. It was suggested/diagnosed when he was 3, 5, 8, 12 and again 15. In the beginning I didnt want to believe it and I never wanted to medicate him because of the taboo our society has placed upon the over diagnosis/over medication situation. Thru the years, as I became more educated on the subject I began to accept it more. Only recently he has been medicated and I probly should have done it sooner. (Not in the early years but probly in middle school).
During the early years, I watched his diet and educated myself on ADD/ADHD and learned about different education techniques that I used at home with him. ADD/ADHD has to do with brain processing and an inability to focus and can come in varying degrees. However, the lack of focus does not pertain to everything, their brains just work differently which often clashes with the public school system design.
We did public school and I supplemented afterschool with techniques I learned. (Just as Aurora suggested, It would help you to read up on techniques for dyslexia and ADD/ADHD because they may help regardless of him having it or not.) If time passes and he doesnt lose his symptoms then you should look at it closer. By the way, it turns out that my son is also dyslexic as well. We just recently started the meds a few months ago and it has made a world of difference for him and his self esteem.
Good Luck!
M.
If you can move your son into a Waldorf kindergarten or play group, he would flourish in this non-academic, play-centered environment. If a Waldorf group does not exist in your community, keep him home and provide opportunities for him to play with other children by getting together with the other moms in your church. Today's kindergartens are really trying to start first grade learning with children who aren't ready for such academic pursuits. Such early learning does NOT make your child "get ahead," and it sounds like he is not ready for the curriculum in your kindergarten. This does NOT mean he is developmentally handicapped--it means he is NORMAL!Let him have another year of development, engaging in creative play, storytelling, play acting, crafts, and music, and see how he is next year. He may be ready for first grade, or maybe he would benefit from kindergarten again. Read the book: The Hurried Child. Also, "You Are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin. (And keep the videos away, too! That was an excellent move!)
J. Wynhausen (former Waldorf kindergarten teacher)
I have three kids, 2 boys & 1 girl. We did not send our sons to school until they were 6 and 5 years 11 months. This was one year after the state said they were eligible for kindergarden. My oldest son is a freshman in college, engineering, and my middle guy is a junior in high school. The maturity has made a difference. We feel they have been able to make better choices among their peers. I hope this helps! Maybe consider starting your son next year.
being a daughter of teachers and a daughter in law of a retired school counselor/kindergarten teacher. i've heard so many stories about boys and kindergarten and them not being ready. girls mature faster than boys, even if the boy turns five in may, that doesn't mean he'll be ready for kindergarten. my husband was started a year late for this very reason and i will be thinking about doing the same when my son turns five this coming may. ADD is a possibility,but it sounds more like ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). ODD usually isn't diagnosed unti 7 or 8 years of age; not properly diagnosed anyway. Since my oldest is autistic (SID/Aspie) and in her case it's genetic (hubby is add/aspie, mil is adhd/aspie), i worry about my younger two exhibiting signs of any of the ASD's (autism spectrum disorders) as well. I often wonder if I should get my four year old son evaluated, but I always come back to "he's just a boy, a four year old boy". this could very well be the case with your bubs as well.
good luck!
My 5 year old daughter (who is 22 now, by the way) had the same sort of problems as your son. The teacher pulled me aside and said she'd done everything she could think of to help my daughter adjust, but that she was really just too immature yet. I turned to a counselor, who told me that you can't "discipline in" maturity - you have to wait for it. Together, the counselor, teacher, principal and myself decided the best route was to put her into kindergarten again, to give her another year to mature, and to make sure she didn't end up having bad feelings about school.
I did do that and I've never been sorry. We moved her the next year to an all-day kindergarten, so that she didn't see all her friends move forward while she "stayed back." I made it into a thing "our family" does - we go to half day and then full day kindergarten. Some people only do half day, some do half and full day. Just like people have different churches and different kinds of birthday parties, etc. I went through that entire story line because she was bright enough to know that other kids were heading toward first grade.
Anyway, I didn't have to be at war with her to do something she wasn't mature enough to do, and she didn't have to grow up so fast! She was my youngest, and I postponed the empty nest thing for a year. That was really a side benefit for me.
There are lots of good suggestions here from all the ladies. I'm sure one of them will ring true for you. Let us know how this all works out.
The same thing with my son and the problem was just immaturity. Trying to make him do things he is not ready for is not the answer, only creates a little unhappy boy who feels like a failure. My son repeated kindergarten and the next year was completely different.
C., I am sorry I can not help you with this, as my first born is only 3 months. But, I noticed that you stated that you attend college online, and I was just curious as to which college, and how does that work out? That's something I've been wanting to do, but not sure how and where to start. I know I need to apply for grants first. When you take online classes do you ever have to attend the college for tests or anything? Just wondering and trying to get something going! I'm wanting to go into speech pathology and work in the elementary schools. If you'd rather not respond, I totally understand and respect your privacy, just thought I'd ask as it's something I'm interested in!
please let me say first I know what you are going thru . I have never shared the anquish and pain it causes a mother to think she may have a child with adhd....You feel like you have done something wrong .. I have a son who I know is adhd and I refused to accept it when he was in school, that he had it . I thought he was just all boy and was ready to go play when he stared out the window and did no homework. I struggled to help him with his homework and would cry to know that he was unable to do it alone . I told the school to deal with it because i was not going to drug my child . I did not end up treating him and I know that i did not because of my unexceptance of the condition. In doing this I allowed him to have to struggle all the way thru his school years. I was not going to drug my child . I know what i did was not in his best interest. I do know they have the best drugs to help them be normal and get thier work done and cope with life instead of being edgy and cranky and feeling they were retarded.. all theses things I have gone thru with my son whom is now 24 and a marine . They are not retarded when they are adhd they are challenged and need whatever we can do to help them be normal. If I had it to do over i would think of him and not myself. I regret not treating him... there where many times that were so hard on him and I could have helped him feel and be normal until he out grew it . It will go away and get better as he matures. Please use my advise and at least entertain medication and dr visits for your son . He has all the symptoms my son did , a good boy just distracted and , and... and ......we have to think of them first ...I didn't! I hope you will at least think about what I have said and go from there. R. in oklahoma
Hello there. Just wanted to let you know, my son who is now 10, was just like this in kindergarten. Even preschool. It never got much better. He is always in trouble for chatting with classmates, blurting out answers without raising his hand, having difficulty waiting in line, losing focus, etc. I could go on and on. I didn't think that this was related to ADD or ADHD, I just figured he was a social kid that didn't like having to do his schoolwork when he'd rather be doing something else. We tried all sorts of punishment but nothing seemed to work, he too had the "whatever" mindset that you mentioned. It has been so frustrating. We finally did get a ADHD diagnosis last month. I'm not saying that this is what is going on with your son, but please keep an eye on it and let your pediatrician know. Don't waste the years that I did by thinking he would "outgrow" it. Good luck.
C.:
Hey there! When my son started kindergarten, I was worried about all of that myself. But, if your son is anything like mine and likes rewards for doing well, well here may be a suggestion.
Before my son started kindergarten, I had a nice visit with his teacher just to get a good read on her and to find out what was going to happen. She informed me of the light system and how it worked so I figured out a system to help him. For every Green light he gets, he gets a quarter (up to 5 a week), for every Yellow light, he doesn't get a quarter, and for every Red light, he gets to give me a quarter back to me. He really likes this system and at the end of the day on Fridays, we come home from school and he gets his paper out for the week and we first count how many green lights he has, then I pull out the appropriate amount of quarters and as I put them in his hand we count how many I give him, then he gets to put the quarters into the special jar we have.
At the end of the school year, we will put half of the money saved into his savings account and the other half he can spend on whatever he wants. Now granted, we aren't the most well off family in our community but I do save all of the quarters from the loose change my husband and I collect and put those in a container for safe keeping. My son loves this set-up and he enjoys the fact that it's giving him resposibility and I get to find out from him as to why he got a Yellow light and from the teacher too.
Good luck to you and I hope all goes well.
M.
It's not uncommon for kids this age to not enjoy doing "paperwork". My suggestion...homeschool him. I know a lot of people have stereotypes about homescool families but seriously research it! There are tons of moms that have had the same issues with their children...they just need to take a different approach to learning...an approach that the public schools can't and won't. You can homeschool a 5 year old for an hour or 2 everyday rather than sending him to school where he will be bored or lack interest for 8 hours.
Instead of writing his numbers from 1-50 on paper, maybe you could use chalk and a chalkboard, or a dry-erase board. Make it FUN for him, not work. Many kids don't pick up good writing skills until they are 6 or 7...there's no need for pushing.
I would consider alternatives :)
I am a teacher and have 5 year old triplets in kindergarten and one of them is "all boy" just like your son. He has gotten in trouble several times. When he gets in trouble for something like talking during learning time, he get punished. I have told him if he is not listening he is not learning. So he knows how important that is to us. A few times he has gotten in trouble for things like throwing playground mulch at his brother and I have just kind of let that slide. That is just normal kindergarten stuff and the teachers can handle that.
Since he is tuning you out now, try some positive reinforcement. Do some things to put school back in a positive light so he doesn't dread it and school work. Make a game of letters and numbers. Let Dad take over for a while.
Then at the end of the year see where he is at and what his teacher says and know there is no shame in holding him back a year to let him mature some if that is what you decide is necessary. Boys are notoriously immature at that age. I don't know of anybody who regretted holding their child back in kindergarten. If he still has trouble next year, then look into ADD or ADHD.
You sound busy. Do you have enough time to spend with him? Have you thought whether he is seeking attention? Kids really NEED their parents attention. It's not "just" seeking, it's him letting you know he needs you more. Just something to think about, I don't know how your days go, I just know my daughter (only 3.5) acts out MUCH more when I don't give her time.
K.
I am in the same situation w/ my 5 year old son. I opted to stay in preschool another year as his birthday is in August. It is way too early to think about an attention deficit disorder. My son has been getting in trouble for hitting, calling names, and not keeping his hands to himself at the table. He was sent to the office and I was called at work last week. He was academically ready for kindergarten but I thought he could use another year for social development. I am thinking my son is bored. Whenever he is separated from the other kids, he is an angel but when he gets around the other kids, he can't keep it under control. I have spoken w/ a friend who works in education. She suggested I get something for him to squeeze or keep his hands busy to help him stay focused during listening activities. His preschool teachers last year would do extra things w/ my son to keep him busy and he did really well but his teachers this year don't seem to listen to my requests to do the same thing. I really recommend you speak w/ his teacher and discuss other strategies to channel his energy in a productive way. Not all students are going to sit and listen and be able to adhere to the classroom setting BUT it is the teacher's job to find different ways to teach according to each student's needs. Not every child has the same learning style. Good luck and if you find something that works, let me know.
Dear C.,
I have a friend whose grandson is in pre-k, and he is just like your son. He was always getting "red light" days or "yellow light" days (bad or iffy days). But now he is always getting green light days. When I asked her why he was doing so much better, she said that she told him whenever he got a green light day, he could get a happy meal at McDonalds. I kind of thought it was like bribery, but it's not really-it's a reward. Some kids couldn't care less if you take their stuff away, but promise them something they really like (it doesn't have to be big or expensive) if they do well, and they respond in a positive way.
