CIO .. What Next??

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We used Ferber, it worked for us. I seized on something in your post, you said "so finally, we gave up." The point of CIO, is for the parents to stand firm, and for the kid to "give up" hope of getting parental crutches to fall asleep.

They get love from you, they get reassurance, but no rocking, swinging, patting, etc. Like Dawn said, you've got to allow longer intervals between each - "see I didn't fall off the face of the earth visit".

It will take as long as two weeks, but most kids get it sooner than that.

Don't be surprised if they cry even louder after you go in at 10, 15, 20, minutes etc. They just got a taste of you and they want you to do all your old tricks.

Sleeping through the night is a wonderful thing. Stick with it, everyone will be happier in the long run.

You didn't let him CIO, you let him cry, then you made him feel better and tried to repeat the process.. To M. that's way more unfair to him then just letting him CIO. If you are serious about wanting to take your nights back and you're going to do the CIO method then you have to actually let them cry it out. That means making sure he's dry and fed and then leaving the room. Trust M., once he figures out you aren't coming in he'll stop and go to sleep.

This is not directed at you personally, but of our society and how normal infant/toddler behavior has become an inconvenience. I still cannot understand why we expect our youngest, most dependent and vulnerable children to feel safe, loved, secure and comfortable all alone in their own room - darkened/dim, away from M., with strange noises, etc. Adults do not sleep alone when they have the option - most parents sleep in the same room and usually even the same bed - they gain comfort and security from each other yet feel completely justified to withhold that same feelings from their child.

I'm sorry I cannot help your son feel more secure and restful in his own room... I've had my children in my bed or the same room since their birth. Firstborn bed-shared from birth to 5.5 y/o and moved to her own mattress at the end of our bed because baby #2 was born 8/8 and is now sleeping in our bed. I've never had an issue with sleep deprivation due to a child not being able to stay asleep. Breastfeeding is easier when they are sleeping in your room too... but then again I'm not the norm in that area either (at least not to American standards). I also practice child led weaning.

My 17 month old is screaming now that I put him down for a nap. I let him cry it out for a little bit then go and nurse him and put him back to bed without talking to him. I do this over and over but make going in to him longer in between each time. Like going in after five minutes, then 10, then 20 etc. I start doing this around 2 months and it works. Usually, we have a time when he starts in again like right now, he normally goes down for naps well but he's screaming his head off. I'll go in there, nurse him and put him back to bed. If you're not breastfeeding, you can give him water or lay him down and pat his back for a minute but don't say anything to him and don't stay too long. Walk out and let him cry a little longer. Does that make sense? That's what I do and it has worked with all my kids. Good luck!

I do not think that one night was sufficient. Also, I would be curious what technique the daycare is using for naptimes and how that is working for them/your child. Consistency may be key here. Lastly, I think the bedtime is kind of late and that maybe he is overly tired. I know this sounds funny, but when my kiddos are overly tired, they sleep poorly unless it is flat-out shear drop-dead exhaustion (which I've only seen once in 4 years).

When using CIO, you have to stay steady and strong. There are different types of crys and you have to be able to distinguish them. There is the fussing "I don't want to" cry, the "I need something" cry and the "I'm in danger" cry (to name the most common....). The I need something and danger cries need and warrant immediate responses.

Is it possible that initially your child needed something like a diaper change and if you had kept things quite and lowkey (like using a motion sensored night light) that he would have slipped back to sleep after the change? If you have weaned, it is possible that he is looking for more BM and that it might be better for you to switch it up - get rid of the night time feeding and reintroduce one feeding during the day. Also, my kiddos find BFing time to be M.-time, so maybe that is the goal/desire? I know they have no actual recognition that they are doing this, it is more instinctive.

As for what works, we use a CD that is only for bedtime/naptime. You could play that CD at anytime and my kiddos slip back to sleep without much hassle. Also, the younger two love their LeapFrog Scout and Lilly dogs. They have a music playing sleep mode. It seems to work similar to the CD.

You need to decide how much is too much and follow your instincts. You have already gotten some good advice. Keep trying.
~C.

Help him find a new way to be soothed (bottle of water? blankie? lovey?), and then let him cry. The whole point of CIO is that you might make a quick trip into his room to say "shh, shh, shh..." but you wouldn't touch him, pick him up, talk to him, etc. Maybe just hand him his lovey, blankie, or whatever and leave. He knows you're there, just down the hall. He is upset because his entire life, every time he has fussed at night, here comes mama to feed him. Which was great when he was tiny and needed to eat at night, but he is a toddler now, and needs to learn to sleep through the night. So... let him cry. It's sad for you, but after a few days it WILL work. Stay the course and stop interacting with him at night.

I feel your pain but going back into his room and rocking him etc....that won't ever end unless you put a stop to it. If there is nothing bothering him, ie. sick or leaky diaper there is no reason he shouldn't be able to sleep through the night. He's more than old enough to sleep all night long. Do not nurse him at night as this is just for soothing and you wont' get any sleep. When he cries check on him but don't pick him up. Leave the room. check on him again and make sure he is lying down and keep repeating this increasing the intervals in between checking on him and leaving the room. He needs to learn to self sooth.

For three consecutive days, you need to feed him more than he is currently eating. I don't care what feeding schedule you have, or how full you think he is, if he is waking at night, he CAN eat more. Offer him non stop food all day long. After three days, his body will register the change in calories and feel more satisfied. AFTER THAT, try CIO again. He wont' wake up at night if he is full. Promise. I learned this from a mother of 10 and it worked with all of mine. It's not about comfort, it's about hunger. You don't want to let a hungry baby cry. They don't give up.

It's really hard when they get to be older and don't know how or don't want to put themselves back to sleep. They have much more stamina and much more awareness that if they yell loud enough or long enough Mom and Dad will come.

Do you put him to bed by himself or do you have a routine of holding or rocking etc...?

I would establish a simple routine that you can be consistent with... ie bath, story, song, bed. Don't read or rock him in his room. When the routine is over walk into him dimly lit room and lay him down. Tell him night night and walk out of the room. If he cries, go back in after about 10 minutes reassure him without picking him up and leave again. Keep doing this until he understands that you're still there, but that you aren't going to pick him up/nurse him/ rock him. Do the same when he wake in the middle of the night.

You might consider introducing a comfort stuffie or blanket that you give him during a certain point in the night routine.

At this age he knows what his bed is for and he is able to go to sleep and go back to sleep on his own. But he's also wanting comfort from you. It's really hard, but letting him learn to go to sleep on his own is best for everyone!!

Hope you get sleep soon!

Supernanny had a family that had this problem. The mom sat in a chair or on the floor next to the child, not touching, and kept moving closer and closer to the door. Whenever the baby would wake up, he could see mom still there and go back to sleep. Eventually she was able to leave the room. They had to do this for several nights in a row. Its not quite CIO, but its not giving in either, its letting them know that you are right there if they need you. Good luck!! don't give in yet, but also, if you are not going to stick with it, then don't do it at all, its too confusing for the little guy.

Oh, try making him a special blanket that is just his. I did this with polar fleece and let my daughter see M. make it and have the scraps and stuff. She loves it and knows that even if M. isn't right there, M. loves her and is close by. I wish you sleep eventually!!

A 17 month old does not need to be fed in the middle of the night, he is using nursing like a kid would use a pacifier. That you need to stop. That might be the only issue, that is how he is used to being soothed. He needs to figure out a new way to be soothed.

You will love this, your husband not so much, but you husband needs to deal with him for a while. He associates you with breast feeding so every time you come in he thinks he got what he wanted. Just sell your husband on it is the quickest way to get a full nights sleep.

My daughter is 16 months old and we had an issue with her waking at night several months ago. We used Ferber and it has worked PERFECTLY for us. I can't recommend it highly enough.

If you are unfamiliar with it, this is the premise....your son needs to learn to put himself to sleep on his own. At night, you put him in his crib, drowsy but not fully asleep. If he begins to cry, you wait 3 minutes and then go in and lay him back down, give him his pacifier, etc., then leave the room WITHOUT picking him up out of the crib. Now wait 6 minutes, repeat. The third time wait 10 minutes and repeat every 10 minutes after that until he gives in. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, repeat from the beginning.

This lets him know that you are NOT going to get him out of his crib and he must go to sleep, but also that you haven't abandoned him and are still nearby. I never could do the CIO where you left them in there indefinitely without going in at all, I needed to go in periodically for my own peace of mind.

The first night my DD cried for a total of 40 minutes, but then never woke again. The second night she cried for about 20 and the third night, NONE! She has been sleeping consistently 11-12 hours a night and on the rare occasion that she does wake up, we institute this method and she gives in within the first 3 minutes. Each child is different and your son may hold out longer, but keep with it and be consistent!! I will pay off in the end!

p.s....I've probably just jinxed myself into a bad night by talking about how good my DD has been sleeping. LOL!!

Good Luck....I hope some good sleep is in your future!

I'm not speaking from experience but I wonder if he was unable to get to sleep and stay because of the first 15-20 minutes of CIO combined with sensing your frustration. I suggest he became afraid that he was abandoned. He's still unable to know that you are still around if he can't see you.

I suggest that Dawn B's suggestion of a way to train him will be more effective. You do respond to his need before he gets overly emotional. Then you respond again in a small period of time. When you gradually increase the length of time you are teaching him that you will return while getting him used to the longer length of time. This should increase his sense of security.

At 17 months he old enough to talk to. Seriously. Decide what you are going to do and EXPLAIN it to him before he goes to bed. If you want to do CIO, you'll have to let him cry. it. out. , otherwise you're just kind of teasing him, which isn't what you want. Tell him "if you wake up tonight, you need to go back to sleep. I will see you in the morning when the sun comes up." When you say goodnight tell him again "goodnight. I'll see you in the morning." Then don't go back in there!

If you're willing to rub his back, tell him that. "If you wake up, I will rub your back, but I won't nurse you. You can nurse in the morning." Then stick to that.

If you are willing to sleep the rest of the night in his room, say that. "If you wake up, I'll come sleep in here with you until the morning."

Whatever you're planning to do. Explain it to him, and then DO THAT.

HTH
T.

It's not called cry it out when you go to him after 15 minutes :) Sorry, you need to be consistent and let him CRY. If my son woke at night, I would check on him ONCE (since it wold be rare for him to wake) - make sure he hasn't pooped or something and then let him be. Turn off your baby monitor so it doesn't torture you, leave him a sippy cup of water in his crib and also I would try an earlier bedtime - he should be going to bed closer to 7 or 7:30 pm. The more tired they are, the harder it is for them to sleep. Try it :)

Also - if you let him cry for 5 minutes or 15 or 50 and then go to him - all he is learning is try cry longer and harder to get you to come to him. You're nest bet to change this quickly is to NOT go in there. He is way beyond old enough for this to be okay.

My son was exactly that. My husband and I were doing that too. Our son would wake up a lot during the night, we'd go in and he is screaming and crying. It was awful, and we tried everything. We have a solid bedtime routine, that we do every single night, same time etc.

He never slept through the night, until we started stuffing his belly full, and then we put extra blankets and cozies in his crib with him, only put him in shorts to sleep (he hates wearing a shirt to bed) and put a night light in his room, along with music. We tried a lullaby CD but he didnt like it, so we changed it to a Classical radio station.

Now, I can finally say for the first time in his 18 mo of life, does he FINALLY sleep through the night.

We also had to put him on Lactose free whole milk. He has always had a problem with it, and now he does so much better.

Also, you can do CIO without having to feel bad too. Your son needs to learn that you mean business. He has come to learn that if he cries enough then he gets what he wants. My son as well was like that. We became more firm, when he cried we would go in there and readjust him, give him back his binky, and his blanket and then walk out. We consistently did that and then he learned that it was sleep time.

These are the things that helped us immensely. Maybe a few changes for you too will make all the difference. Consistency really is the key. Be firm and consistent and you should see results.

Best wishes!

I agree that you have to decide what you are going to do and then stand firm!!!!

What time are his naps? I had a non-sleeper (not kidding - I used to read her the books where it talked about a baby getting 15 hours of sleep each day.... clearly my daughter never read these books when she was a baby cuz she certainly did NOT sleep that much). But my daughter used to nap from like 10-1130 and then from like 3-5. Then she was up until around 10 but then slept straight through until 6am. That worked for her - not crabby or tired during the day.
But I had a friend whose son went to bed at 7:30 and slept until 6am. So, every baby is different.

hang in there!

you did not let him CIO, you let him fuss for a few minutes and then went in to soothe him back to sleep. you are on a path to having him sleep in your bed until he is a teenager if you dont cut it out now. it is simple, lay him down in his bed, close the door and that's it. If he starts crying and getting out of bed then put a baby gate up in front of his door. yes, it will suck royally for a couple of nights, maybe even a week though I highly doubt it. It is NOT mean or abusive or negliegent to let your child CIO. they have to learn to fall asleep on their own and you are not helping him by going in there like he were still a baby.

Updated

Does he just want the comfort of nursing? Do you let him nurse when you are with him during the day? I work 3 days a week and am at home with my 13 month old the other two. I weaned him for night and continue to nurse during the day. Yes, when I work, I have to pump but it is okay. My son goes to sleep about 7 and sleeps until 4ish - gets up to nurse, then sleeps until 7 on the days I don't work. Sometimes he skps the 4am nursing - I can't figure out a reason for either way. If he gets up to nurse, he is done in about 20 minutes and as soon as he thinks he wants to play I put him back in his crib and tell him night-night and close the door and walk out. Sometimes he talks (practices his words and babbles) but he always goes back down. Unfortunately, on work days he has to get up at 6am. He naps 1.5 hours in the AM and 1 hour in the PM.

Your son might need to get to bed earlier. Is he doing one nap or two? If he is still doing a PM nap, he may need to consolidate to one in the mid-day.

What to do? Try to put him to bed earlier - don't let him nurse until he is asleep. Put him down groggy so he is used to putting himself to sleep. When he cries, wait two minutes before you do anything - watch a clock to be sure you waited two whole minutes. If he is still crying, then go in, check his pants and make sure he is okay. If you want him to go without eatting then you need to tell him night night and leave. I would let him cry up to 20 minutes if you can see him on a video monitor. If not, at least 10 minutes. Don't pat on back constantly, one or two pats, then night night and leave. He'll get it eventually.

Good for you for nursing your son this long. We did cio with our son and followed the dr. weisbluth method, but I did it at 6 months. You need to do what you are comfortable with, but I would let him cry and do not go in and rub his back. it might take awhile, but it should work. you can pm M. if you want more info.

I so understand what you are describing about kids that wake frequently at night. 2 of my 3 kids didn't sleep through the night until after age 2 and I'm still waiting for my third to sleep all night and he's 20 months. So, yes, I empathize with your exhaustion and frustration. Some kids are naturally good sleepers and some are not, but they can become good sleepers with a lot of patience from the parents and consistent bedtime routines. Your child is likely going through another time of insecurity that will pass and his sleep will improve. Since he's at daycare all day, he likely needs more of your attention at night. Please don't push him away (I know it's tempting), but rather bring him closer to you to meet his needs. This is very important phase in social development of learning to trust and rely on others. Did I mention that my older 2 sleep 10-11 hours at night now that they are 3 and 6. Both were horrible sleepers, often waking hourly at night especially during teething (the molars were the worst!), but now they finally sleep. There is hope for your little guy!
Knowing that this stage would pass, I just get up and comfort my little ones. Sometimes I offer them a drink or Go Gurt if they seem hungry and it's early morning hours. Yes, I'm exhausted sometimes, but parenting is a 24/7 responsibility. Some of us just have to work harder and longer hours than others! You are building security and trust in you toddler when you meet his needs even in the most inconvenient times---like 2AM.
Before you let him CIO again, please see this research article:http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-....
Know that you are not alone. There's more of us out there that are up a lot at night tending to children.....we are just too tired to talk about it. Nurse Midwife Mom of 3

My kids LOVED to get up EARLY (4am) about this age - and were UP! They also struggled to sleep through the night from time to time. I came to accept that is what they needed from M. (to be there) or just went through a phase of getting up early. I can't do CIO (a wimp I guess). So instead I'd lie in her room with her until she went to sleep or rub his back until he went back to bed. The phases passed. The two suggestions I have are 1 - maybe try to put him down earlier (actually will sometimes sleep later and will be easier as it's getting darker earlier). My kids loved music or sound in their rooms... only played at sleeping time - a cue for them that it was bed time. AND don't be so hard on yourself or him... hang in there : )

I agree with Meagan M. If you are going to let him cry it out you have to let him cry it out, period.
I didnt have to do this with mine, but I know at 17 mos he's old enough to know that bed time is bed time. I'd let him cry till he falls asleep. You might have to do it for 2 or 3 nights but then your problem will be solved.
If your husband can tolerate better than you can, put some earplugs in so you don't have to hear him and start reading or anything else that would distract you. My ex DIL had to do this with our grandsons, they were much older when she finally did it, but they were horrible sleepers for the first few years.... she FINALLY had enough and let them cry, it lasted 3 nights and the 4th night they went straight to sleep without fuss.
Good luck.