Children Playing Their Mom

I am sorry you are in that position, but I think it will be difficult to find many people who can say they have been in your shoes... Sorry

I am a stepmom, been through this garbage. Best thing that worked was both of you stay honest. Never say anything bad about their Mom even with what you know! As long as you never lie to them, it will evently backfire on her, especially since she is lying! My stepkids figured it out and there was an 1100 mile difference.

T.,

Who really cares what the kids thought when you got married and your husband sold his house. Are they paying any bills? I'd tell them if they can do better on their own, then they need to move on.

As far as the mother telling them one thing and you and your husband another, I'd put them on the other phone whenever she called and just let them hear for themselves that she doesn't want them.

You just need to nip it in the bud. The 26 year old...well, I can understand that one's perspective because I would feel awkward having a step-mother younger than myself, too. Does that one live with you, too?

I can't stand people like that. She sounds like a manipulative b-word who doesn't deserve to have children. Maybe that is why she is divorced from their dad. My advice, tell the kids the truth about what happened, they are old enough to know it and also ... whether they admit it or not when they're kids, they see their parents for who they really are. Sadly its usually not until they are adults and their most important thing in life isn't which parent gives them the most freedom that they will admit who the better one was.

if they want to go, let them...
but always make sure they know they are loved and wanted by their dad and you because she will try her best to fill their heads with hateful lies.

i agree with Heather, get her on the phone with the kids there, don't let her know she is on speaker or everyone can hear, and confront her..... let the kids see how she lies.

Church will only get you so far. Unfortunately its not the answer for alot of people who are hurting and miserable and obviously resentful of situations. I myself have never been in this situation, but she's probably got alot of resentment with someone younger coming into the picture and living with her kids. Her saying No was a way for her to stick it to you because she KNEW that her kids would ask her themselves! So of course she's gonna make you look like the bad guy.
I'm not sticking up for her, but I can see both sides of the story. Maybe your hubby can fill you in on why she's so bitter? How were the divorce proceedings---amicable or hostile? Or she could just be one of those people you just can't communicate with, despite numerous attempts, and chooses to react to every situation with hostility. This leaves me to wonder how she runs her school....
Good luck and hang in there! You're doing a great job and remember, you stepped into and married a pre-made family---it's a tough job and an uphill battle that you had to know when going in. But it sounds like you're getting everything under control. You can only do your best and what's right by the kids. Whatever she thinks of you or no matter how bad she tries to make you look, stick to your guns and hold your ground. After all, it's you and him now...it's your life together with those kids.

I agree with Jo Ann K about the age thing, also, unfortunately, you will probably always have to work harder for their love and respect because you are so close to them in age and entered their life late in their childhood. She is probably jealous and already knows things haven't been great between you and the kids so she is playing to their weakness out of her own insecurities, she is trying to make things harder between you. I think the speaker phone idea is great. They might be more sympathetic with you when they realize they are being manipulated and used because she is selfish.

man o man lots of people saying what you need to do....lol. It's hard to be in a blended family but do the best you can. And of course your kids are slaves cleaning up their own mess!!!! I have kids that are maids as well cleaning up after their own messes. Thats what you call teaching them to be clean. If you let the children go they will more then likely want to move back in with dad and you soon after they see how their other mom is. You should be just as big apart of the decision with letting the kids go as your husband and their other mom. I agree with the one person that said have the kids make a list of the to stay or the to go's. It helped my daughter alot and made her quit thinking of the emotional parts like pools, tramplens, her bike, the kinds of food she gets to eat, her bed, her tree house, etc. It allows the child to really think about the benfits of being with each parent and their thoughts of what they really want.

I know this may not help any I just thought I would let you know that no matter what everyone says you need to do It is best that you do what you and husband want to do since we only see a part of what your saying and thinking.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you deside to do.

the children are old enough to decide where they want to live. if you and your husband have already decided to let them live with their mother, then you should tell the children that and let them know that what their mother said is not true. also, as old as the children are, i don't understand why they even believe that you don't want them to live with their mother, they sound a bit naive. i have 2 step daughters, but i have been around since they were very young, they both call me mom. having had 2 stepmothers, i've always just tried to learn from the mistakes they made and also the things i felt they did right. my husband and i have an additional 5 children together and i always treat my stepdaughters just like i treat the others. in my opinion, your 3 yr old is big enough to do a few things around the house, like picking up after herself and helping you do things as well. my 3 yr old has to pick up his toys, any messes he makes, helps me put clothes in the dryer and remove them, he puts his clothes in his drawers and plenty more. my point being, if the children saw that your 3 yr old also had some responsibilities, they might not resent it so much. even though she is a principal, she is obviously ignorant. don't let her manipulate ya'll, your husband should let her know that he is aware of her little game and won't be letting her mess with the kids heads like that. the children are not playing their mom, she is playing everyone!

Woah...happens all to often and so sad! First thing is first- you are one year younger then your oldest step daughter. There is no wonder why there's resentment there with the ex and her children.

I would definitely tell the children that you wanted them to stay because XYZ but you agreed to let them go because they were so unhappy. But as long as they reside with you, here are the house rules that everyone must follow, and that includes responsabilities around the house. If they were your bio children you might say "Could you please keep an eye on the little girl while I cook dinner?" so it wouldn't be any different with steps. IT's just a typical household responsibility. now, if you want a real babysitter, you might offer to pay them for it AND TELL THEM SO. "I think you'd be a perfect babysitter for me while I go to the store. Would you be interested in ...for payment or maybe I can bring home something special for dinner? It's so difficult shopping with her and I can do it really a lot faster without her."

Anyway, my point is to make sure they understand where you are coming from (house hold responsibilities and why you'd really like them to stay but it wasn't your decisicion it was their mothers'.) Make sure you only tell them this if their father will back you up on it. otherwise, you really will be the bad guy. It's also best that you just try to be friends with the two oldest and not a parent. They resent parenting from bio parents, there's no way they are going to accept it from you.

Some people think that you should do your best to make the children think well of their mother, even if it means letting them believe a lie about you. That might work if they live with their mom, but since they don't you really need them on your side.

I hope things work out well for you,
S. mom to four girls

T. ,
you opened a can of worms when you married a man that has kids your age .the ex-wife is jealous plain and simple .It's that way and always will be no matter what
L.

T.,
Sounds like she's jealous b/c u are so much younger than her. Do ya'll attend church together? Be strong.

God Bless,
J.

Hi, Dont forget who you are.... in the mix of all this going on.Sometimes we try to hard to please or to be accepted.Just be the person you know you are.Try to let your husband do more of the talking when it comes to the children and their mother.Yes, its wrong to deceive the children and play them against you and your husband but if thats how she wants to raise her kids then... sometimes things are better left unsaid.But when a decision does need to be made make sure its done while everyone is there.The kids are grown and teenagers they are old enough to hear whats what.If I was in your shoes Id make it really clear to all the kids from oldest to youngest Iam here for you if you want me to be here for you and once I clarified it ...I would not think about it anymore.Honey occupation has nothing to do with jealousy and its very appearent she's somewhat jealous maybe you are a tad bit younger then her(((::::Maybe her school can offer parenting 101 for her.(smile)Don't worry it will blow over but do try to talk to each child and make it clear its up to your husband and their mother to come to an agreement on living arrangements and you support whatever decision they make together.Good luck

Not to be rude darlin' but you're a year younger than his oldest, he could be your dad and the ex-wife's being upset probably has something to do with him marrying you, not YOU as a person but you as a young woman who is practically a kid.

This is going to be a sticky situation, you probably need family counsiling to help you all get through it without permenant scarring.

My 'dad' did this too, the gal he married (20 years ago) was 21 a mere 8 years older than me and I still dislike her. She took my dad away. I honestly believe that if it weren't for her, I would have a good relationship with him and in turn my children would have a grandpa who actually had time for them, this is the worst part for me because my stepdad (who was the better dad to me) died not so long ago and now the only grandpa my kids have is too busy for them.

I wish you the best of luck in a really bad situation.

I'm not sure what to tell you to fix the problem, but the fact that one of your step-children is 1 year older than you may provide some insight into why the ex is so bitter...
Not that it justifies her bad behavior in any way. Perhaps you should just make it clear to the kids that the decision does not involve you in any way (nor should it) and then do your best to remain uninvolved. Your husband and his ex need to work this out, and the kids are all plenty old enough to be involved. This solution may not decrease the amount of animosity toward you, but the bottom line is that you need to stay out of this altogether if at all possible.

Dear T.,
When I married my husband, he brought 4 children into our family. His ex wife was never good to me or to him; but, she never insinuated that she in any way wanted the kids to live with her. Let me tell you that she did tell all of the children some things concerning major issues that were totally untrue. The more you attempt to "set the record straight" the worse it becomes. The siblings want to believe their mother and that is a fact. They are grown now. The results are that 2 of them have a relationship with us, 2 of them do not. This is their decision, and so be it.

You stated the ex is a School Principal. Does that make her a good person ? It should speak volumes for her; but, apparently it does not. How sad for all could this be ? T., don't get down on her level. Be the best person you can be in all aspects of your life. If your conscience is clear, and you have done everything you possibly can to unify this family, you can rest well at night and will be resting well in the life hereafter when that day comes.

T., you are too young for all this stress. Do what is best for you and your daughter. I will remember you in my prayers. Best wishes and God bless ! This entire scenerio began long before you were in this marriage.

I don't know if this will help you any but when I read your post I knew I had to respond. I don't have any bio children but I'm 37 soon to be 38 and the step-mother to a 37 boy (I'm 6 months older), 31 yr old boy, and 23 yr old girl who has a 6 month daughter, all of whom have lived with us at one time or another as children and adults. My husband and I have been together for almost 18 yrs. We have had many ups and downs with me being the step-mother from hell (sometimes justified, sometimes not) to the best step-mother in the world. I am not called Mom and never tried to be their Mom. I have always told them that I do things for them becasue I love them not because I have too. They have a Mom and Dad for that. The key to my success has always been being totally and completely devoted to their father and to only get involved when asked.

Yes - the best part of the day is when my husband gets home too!!! He and I are 20 yrs apart. He has 3 children by a previous marriage (31, 27, 22) and I have 3 children by a previous marriage (12,11,9). His children hate me!! They solely blame me for the breakup of their parent's marriage despite the fact that their parents had not lived together as husband/wife for 10 years prior to the divorce. I am not allowed in their house, to visit with their small children, to attend any family functions involving them, and his kids drive right by our hom,e often and will not stop in to visit their father. It is infuriating that grown children can act this way. My husband has spoken with them on numerous occassions and to his ex-wife about this...he might as well be talking to a wall! Since I can't make them like me or accept me, I have just accepted that I will never be a "grandmother" to my husband's grandkids nor will I ever be a part of that side of his life.

You cannot control the ex-wife. Unfortunately, she will always be their mother and you can't disrespect the mother - even if she is a bald-faced liar. The older kids may see what is going on and not 1) want to admit that their mom is a jerk or 2) realize it is a lot more profitable to play the parents against each other. As far as the younger kids, you can try and maintain a positve relationship with them the best you can.

There are many good books out there about step-parenting and blended families. Buy a few and see what works. Another suggestion is to get hubby and ex-wife together in a neutral area (aka therapist) so they can hash out their feelings and try to make THEIR relationship more productive when it comes to the kids. Once their relationship improves, you can begin on the blended family concept.

Both mine and my husband's divorces from our previous spouses were final over 7 years ago - only now are the post-divorce relationships BEGINNING to improve. There is still a long road ahead.

Good luck!

Sounds like you have a full plate. No disrespect; but you are, in fact, younger than your oldest step-daughter. Your age could very well be the source of the ex's issue. Don't let this woman run the show. I would have your husband, with you also, sit the kids down and explain the situation. Don't lie or tried to hide things from them. Kids will figure it out and only resent you later. Anyhow, have your husband explain why they can't go live with their mother and then explain the rules of your home. Don't forget to discuss consequences. This will let them know (1) their mother said no (2) they are not permitted to bully you or their half sister and (3) you ARE a family and both you and your husband love them deeply. Speaking to a family counselor may not be a bad idea. It may help your transition go more smoothly if the kids feel they have someone else to vent to.

As for the babysitting thing, I have 9 years between both of my children. There are times that I do ask her to watch her sister while I run to the store. We've decided that any babysitting I ask her to do that benefits the whole family (running to the grocery store or to home depot, etc.) is considered being a part of the family and there is no payment for her services. Now, let's face it...I'd rather have my oldest child babysitting than some stranger. So when my husband and I go out for the evening and she babysits, then we pay her for babysitting since that takes up her personal time.

Good luck. Stay patient and stand your ground. Things will smooth out.

the problem is the age difference. Youre younger than his oldest daughter. If you love him that much you will just have to deal with it. They may or may not ever accept you. The goal is to run you off. If you were not their dad's wife they would probably love you to death. Their mom is smart, she can blame everything on you and your husband. She is the perfect victim.

T. if this is really about the children doing a power play have them sit down and write out the advantage to living with Mom then the advantage of living with Dad. They are old enough to think outside of emotional oneuping and trying to destroy Dad's happiness. Don't try to be a Mom to them, they are already mad at you for taking their Dad (in their little pea brains) You and your husband need to set rules in writing for living in your home and how everyone is expected to do thier part. If the children really want to live with MOm they can apply to the family court and have thier legal rights and reasons heard then let the courts decide if change is in the best interest of them. Best of luck.

Take the kids to her house with all their stuff. When she answers the door tell her the kids really want to live with you and I agreed. I know how much you love them and I just can not stand in the way of the love between you and your kids.

I know this sounds cruel for the kids, but they need to know just how their mother is. They have to have that wake up call or they will always hold it against you and your husband.

My daughter-in law was always told how bad her father was and would not go see and did not want anything to do with him. Well, she just found out 20 yrs later, everything her mom told her was not true and now they have a wonderful relationship. So, you see it is better now they know the truth and hate ya'll for no telling how long.

The truth is always best.

Dear T., Wow, you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place! Take the blame and let that woman lie about you, or tell these poor nieve kids what a lieing selfish b**** their mom is and oh yeah, she doesn't want you kids! Being a step parent is hard, but so is being a stepchild, I have been both! I am in my second marriage and my second family with yet another step child ! He hates me because I am a reminder that his mom died and his dad re-married. He would rather his dad be lonely and miserable (like he is) than to be happily married to me or any one else for that matter. He is 26 and thankfully he does not live with us. I don't really have any good advice for you, You have to do whatever you have to do. I feel for you in your circumstance. I can say that I think that all of these kids are old enough to clean up after themselves including their own laundry, and they should help with the regular household chores as they all live there and if they were your bio children They would have each a list of help out around the house chores! and they should be willing to help care for their baby sister because she is a "blood" relative even if only half! It sounded like "you" were the only "slave" in that house to me anyway! If they want to live with their mom ; let them go, it's less hassle for you to deal with! less drama is good for everyone, but be prepared, as they will probably want to come back home once they get a reality check with mom! I bet she will have them doing their own laundry and cleaning the house! Best of luck to you and your hubby and baby for making this all work! Peace in the home is essential for everyone's health and contentment. God bless!

T.,
Go to counseling NOW before it gets worse and it will. Sounds like resentments all around. Let his ex be miserable but work on your new blended family. The baby is part of those kids and probably makes it harder for the ex to deal with. Also, make the chores and responsibilities fair for the kids so they won't resent the baby. Keep the chores like picking up baby toys out and limit to chores not having to do with baby stuff because you will soon hear something like "it's your baby we didn't make the mess"!!! Goog luck!

Hi T.,first of all there is no simple sollution, remember you will always be "the stepmom" no matter how much you do for these spoiled kids. I too married a man with grown kids after he had been divorced for 2 yrs.I didn't take him from her but the kids feel that if we hadn't gotten married maybe there would have been a chance for the parents to get back together.They caused me so much misery and he always took their side,they would tell me things behind his back just to turn around deny it to their dad,saying I was making things up cause I didn'tlike them.Needless to say we divorced after only 4 yrs.I still love him and we still see each other but the kids are always in the way. You need to speak up stand up to these kids or you are sure to loose. He has been in another relationship and his kids have been able to break that up as well..kids don't seem to understand that he will endup avery loney man cause they will one day be tired of him and he will end up alone..