Children Fighting

I've explained to my daughter that some people are still learning how to be a good friend. It's not their fault that they don't know how to be a good friend yet. Just like not knowing how to ride a bike doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you haven't learned it yet.

You shouldn't be mean to someone just because they don't know how to be a good friend yet. But you also don't need to be around them while they're still learning if you don't want to. They just need some time to learn how to be a good friend.

My daughter is very sensitive and empathetic. This has worked great for her. She's even had a few "friends" who were mean ....but then started being real friends about 6 months later.

Have you heard of love and logic? This is so not your problem and you need to let your daughter figure this out on her own. From what I understand and remember from my own experience as a young teen there is alot of drama! So get ready for lots more of this stuff! Take care of yourself mom so your daughter has a good role model!

Lots of parents are wacko, my mother was just like that woman you describe.

I've found that when the girls get pissy in the classroom/playground, the teacher is very willing to intervene by pulling the nasty child aside and explaining what kind of behavior is expected of her. This is relatively easy for the teacher to do. There's no need to involve the principal. (You can explain the bad behavior to the teacher via email or phone call -- it's extremely likely that the teacher already knows how difficult that child & mother are, and she WILL go to bat for your child.)

Also, don't separate the children. There will ALWAYS be nasty children, and unfortunately your daughter will need to get used to them. She'll also have teachers who don't like her, difficult co-workers, and possibly outrageous in-laws one day. It's okay to discuss all of this very matter-of-factly.

When I was a kid, nobody ever told me that adults could be wrong or mean or not too smart. (My mother was a witch, and I thought it was because I was unlovable and stupid.) Whenever they did something dumb or mean, I always figured that there was some problem with my reaction to it. I finally figured out many years later that dumb children turn into dumb adults and mean children turn into mean adults and smart or kind children turn into smart or kind adults.

p.s. there's a lot less of this bad behavior at Christian schools because they have rules and behavior standards which they actually enforce. We've seen a world of difference at my older daughter's school.

You know this is all so familiar, amazing I have had to deal with a crazy mother of a classmate of my daughters all year too. My daughter has a love/hate relationship with a classmate and I got too involved and the other mom pissed me off big time.

She went to the principal because she heard my daughter was being mean to hers. The counselor pulled them into his office and talked to them both, both are guilty, however the mom told her daughter she could not play with mine anymore. So of course mine ran home in tears! I think that is so wrong. This issue is just ridiculous to be honest and I think at this point us parents need to let the girls work it out alone.
Due to the issues coming into the classroom they had to stay on seperate sides of the playgrounds alternating every week for three weeks! It was so stupid! They are in second grade. It did help to a degree and my daughter just adores this other girl. There was another girl involved which always adds chaos as three can be tough as someone is always in the middle. I tried explaing, lecturing you name it.

She seems to think her daughter is flawless and I have heard the way these girls hurt each other with words, MY DAUGHTER is no saint and I hold her accountable completely. But I have also seen her daughter in sass action and it isn't pretty.

However, that all said, you cannot fight the battles for your child. I am learning as I go. You just need to teach her to use her words carefully, to realize nobody can take her friends away and that she needs to walk away if the situation gets hairy.

Yesterday I made a blanket statement to my daughter "you choose who you are around, if you choose to be around someone that is mean and nasty then you are going to get your feelings hurt, then it is on YOU, not them". "True friends will be there for you and not purposely try and hurt you, be with people that make you feel good about you". I explained she knows it is a matter of time before feelings are hurt. She wants to be friends with this girl so badly and I have no idea why. When they get along it is beautiful, however it is back and forth constantly, but not my problem to solve anymore.

I explained being mean with words to hurt someone is VERBAL bullying, it is no more acceptable then regular bullying. You can only reassure your daughter that nobody can control another person, so her friendships are something that this little girl cannot disrupt, it is freedom of choice. Ultimately I always remind my daughter that if someone talks behind someone else's back it will end up biting them in the rear end and to ignore it.

Just yesterday she said that the girl said she didn't like her and made a mean face at her...., WELL HELLO!! STAY AWAY THEN! Of course that falls on deaf ears so I just ignore it really at this point.

I have tried to just bite my tongue. The other moms continues to interfere to the point of telling her daughter to tell me that she isn't fond of me! Who does that? I don't even really know this woman. My daughter relayed the information and asked if it hurt my feelings, I responded with "you know it doesn't bother me at all, we all have a right to our opinions and she doesn't know me, so I cannot take it personally". I would try and set up playdates outside of school thinking that would help, the woman was bold faced rude about it, saying her daughter is timid and it isn't a good situation, her daughter is two feet taller then mine and both girls are fickle and can lash out!! Neither is guilt free.

You say you "think" this is due to the falling out with the other mom, if so then you should address it with her but be certain that it isn't just basic peer issues going on. If you know it is pointless then I just suggest you maybe realize school is almost out, they have all summer to be apart and kids grow and change so much over the months. You taking the high road will set a great example for your child.

I can personally say I don't advise going to the principal and pick who is what class next year, that makes you involved more then you should be. I see that as overstepping in my opinion. They will still see each other at recess and lunch times and what are you really sending as a message?

They can play together or not, if they do then your daughter has made her own bed if she ends up in tears.
I told my daughter I will be sympathetic until you choose not to take control of the situation and walk off before it esculates, if you choose to put yourself in the line of fire then I have a hard time feeling badly any more about it. Sounds harsh but NOT everyone is going to like everyone, it is about self esteem which needs to be worked on at home and hoping they carry themselves in a manner at school that doesn't allow them to be hurt. Being hurt it is bound to happen even if you have no issue with the other parent.

Sorry for the blather of the long post....I just know how you feel, however I think it is a fine line when parents need to be involved. I think it is best to let the school year wrap up and move forward.

Hi D.!

I have three girls -- all teenagers. It appears that your daughter is still in elementary school. Sadly, what you describe is normal behavior for some girls. You might try reading "Mean Chicks & Dirty Tricks" (something like that) for later years. In the meantime, although taking the high road is the right thing for both you and daughter, it is easier for you than it is for your daughter. You are avoiding the mom, let her avoid the girl by requesting they be in different classes next year and until they leave elementary school. Odds are (sad, but true) that your "mean girl" will find a new target.

Best wishes,
L.

Dear D.,
I agree with the other moms that this is normal kid behavior and normal obnoxious mom behavior and you are handling it very very well. So relax, support your daughter and ignore the other family. You don't say how old your daugther is, but rest assured that this will happen again and again - middle school is notorious for cliques, for example - one week all the girls aren't speaking to one girl and the next month it's someone else. So just keep doing what you are doing - teach your daughter good manners and how to ignore someone without good manners. Her real friends will remain that way, and the others will fall by the wayside. When your daughter's feelings get hurt, comfort her, and know that she'll recover over time - you can't protect her all the time.

Honestly I think you are a little to involved in this "fight" between grade school kids. Listen to yourself. Sometimes you have to let your kids deal with this on their own. You are making it worse by going to the school, talking to principles, trying to sit down with her parents. Your daughters REAL friends will stick by her. She needs to handle some battles on her own. Especially something like this where one girl said another girl doesn't want to be friends, or whatever. If you are always stepping in and getting involved how is your daughter ever going to learn how to deal with difficult people and life in general??

I think it is great that you realize that you are getting no where with the other mother and the key is to support your own child and keep her strong. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women who never grow out of this drama stage. In my opinion, drama would not be so exciting if they all had good self-esteem. I would suggest that you just give your daughter all the self-esteem you can to deal with these issues because it is a never ending battle. Positive self image helps a person just ignore the situation. My daughter is 18 now and we dealt with these same issues all the way through elementary school and then she realized that she was holding herself back by getting involved in the drama. My son is 14 and he tells me that he still has to deal with drama. This is out of the ordinary for a boy (I thought.) Just remember that you are her greatest role model and if you don't play into it then she won't be as likely to even care. I don't like my life in a constant state of confusion and drama, but I guess so people do.

Dear D., She sounds nuts!!! She is supposed to grow out of this, not teach it to her daughter!
There is not a woman reading this that did not have the same situation in their lifetime or go through it with their daughters. We are emotional creatures and we care who likes us and who does not. My son could care less who liked him or why they were no longer talking to him. I would tell my daddy, "she does not like me" and he would say, "so what!!" We girls are so different! I worriedd that my daughter might hurt herself over broken friendships, who pulled up the jumproap to make her miss or who won't let her sit with them at lunch anymore. A group of three girls can be downright dangerous. I alway's say it took one little girl one week to tear down my daughters selfesteem that took me 10 years to build up.
I agree with you, change her class for next year. That is one thing you can do in public school that you can't do in private school. The school staff should understand. The teachers moved my daughter to a different class as she was too chatty with a group of girls. Surely, they would understand if a parent needs to do the same thing.
Our emotions, and deep feelings are a good thing, a "woman" thing...WE CARE!